Backstage at a WWE Live Event - Last week....

All the wrestlers are chatting in the dressing room as they wait for the meeting to start.

Last week, lots of people got bludgeoned by lots of other people. In the end, Shawn Michaels stood tall and Randy Orton had his head flattened like a Legend Killing Pancake.

What's up, butternuts? It's another fun-sized edition of Monday Night Raw. This week's show has Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler jumping out of their seats and reaching for the sky. In fact, we're kicking things off with your favorite active DX member. Yup. Shawn Michaels! That’s right. Come on, Shawn. Get out here and show us that smile. Where's that smile? Let's see that smile! There it is!

Break it down. DeGeneration X is in the house. DeGeneration X also happens to just be one guy now, but it's all the same. It's not about the members. It's about the theme music. As long as you have the theme music, you're good to go. They could give the theme music to Nathan Jones and people would still pop for it. Anyway, DX's theme song is here…along with Michaels. The Boy Toy takes the microphone and immediately starts dry-heaving or something. He asks Lafayette if they can feel the feeling in the air. It's a feeling that ol' HBK felt last week when he slammed that steel chair into Randy Orton's head. It's the feeling that tells Shawn he can beat up any bully on the playground. Now, for the last few years, the Rocker has tried to squash the feelings.

"That stops today. No matter what the odds. No matter what the obstacles. The Heartbreak Kid, The Showstopper is back! And he believes that he can once again be the WWE Champion. This Sunday, the road to WrestleMania begins. A 30 man over-the-top rope Royal Rumble to determine who will go to the main event at Wrestlemania. I'm going to take my new reborn passion and may God have mercy on the 29 other individuals who dare to get in my way! No mere mortal man is ever, ever going to keep me from fulfilling my destiny and I promise…"
   - Shawn Michaels, 9:07pm

It's a Destiny now? 12 years ago, it was a Boyhood Dream. Now it's a Destiny. OK. Anywho, the Boy Toy's promise is never heard. He's interrupted by the guy you thought you knew. He's the guy who sees clearly on this day. He's Edge.  Giggidy.  Giggidy.

Adam Copeland has his woolen cap snug on his head and his shiny gold belt draped over his shoulder. He stares down the Heartbreak Kid. Adam laughs at his hopes and dreams. You think the Rumble is your destiny, Shawny? Bah! Humbug! The Royal PPV is going to be a Royal disappointment for you, pally. You ain't winning! Edge is! Ha! Then, he's going to go to Mania and win the WWE Title! Double Ha! Cause Copeland has been to the mountain top twice and…

"Shut up! I got a feeling you need to come down here so I can tear you apart. You gutless coward!"
       - Shawn Michaels, 9:10pm

Edge walks the ramp and Shawn springs from the ring to meet him. From there, they embark on a huge pull-apart brawl that goes all through the crowd, to the back of the arena, and eventually out of sight. As his crazy Keith Richards hair flails to and fro, Michaels gets his shots in at the Canadian and vice-versa. Will they kill each other? Find out after the break.

Commercial Break. Hamburgers can't talk. Even if they could, I doubt they'd debate over how much they should charge someone to eat them. I imagine they'd cry a lot and try to hatch plans that help them escape from being devoured by hungry people.

Back from the break, Shawn Michaels and Edge can't be restrained. They battle all through the back of the building and even fall into the pile of precariously placed curtain rods that always seem to be leaning against a wall when there's a backstage brawl going on.

Wow! Look at you. You're in great shape, but your face is just a little busted.

Oh, sorry Joey. I was actually talking to Melina.

1. WWE Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy pinned Joey Mercury

Jim Ross takes us back to last Friday for clips from MNM's attack on Matt Hardy. (JG Note: J.R. is like your own personal Doc Brown. Only he doesn't have a Delorean, he has Barbecue Sauce. When you think about it, Barbecue sauce is better than a Delorean anyway. So it's: Ross 1 Doc Brown: 0.) The MNM-Hardys feud was on display here and I have to say that his feud is one of WWE's best put-together conflicts in a while. I know it's weird to have it stretched across all the brands, but, in a way, that works for them. Everyone has their own spots on the separate shows, but they can all get in the ring and work with each other when it comes to tag teams. In the end, Nitro got in his punches, but couldn't stay to do anymore damage than he did. Referee Jack Doan tossed Melina and John from the vicinity and ordered the match to continue. Continue it did. However, when Jeff nailed a Twist of Fate, it was too much for Joe's fragile face to take. He rolled around in pain and found himself the victim of a three count. Nitro and Mel ran back out to help him, but it was too late. Oh, woe is them.

Vince McMahon is all pissy backstage when John Coachman runs in to greet him. He assures the chairman that he has the issue between Edge and Shawn Michaels under control. In typical, Vince/Coach skit form, things wind up with Jonathon being clueless and the great VKM saving the day with his mental prowess. Vinnie Mac asks his apprentice what he plans to do about the Michaels-Copeland Conflict. When John replies that he wants to throw both men out of the building, Vincent offers a better plan. Tonight - The One Man DeGeneration X versus The R Rated Superstar in a…Street Fight! Ah! AHHHHH! Now, that that's out of the way, please Fair Coach. Leave the owner be. He has something else he needs to take care of. Uh oh. I bet that something else involves someone with a reality show and bad hair. Whada'you think?

Commercial Break. There's an election for an open Senate seat in New York. Craig Johnson wants my support. Poor Craig is like the kid who was sick when school started and didn't end up starting until two months later, so everyone picks on him. I can just picture Nancy Pelosi giving this guy wedgies and biffs.

Mr. McMahon and John Coachman are both here. Vince is ready to share his reply to Donald Trump's letter this week. As the fans chant "you suck," Jerry Lawler says "Used truck? Mr. McMahon would never buy a used truck." I laughed. After that, Mr. McMahon read his letter:

"Dear Donald,

Now that your issue with Rosie is simmering down, it's no surprise that her television ratings are once again in the toilet, which is where everyone's mind hair in Lafayette seem to be tonight. And while the Apprentice is doing well, it could be doing a hell of a lot better. How? By having a very special guest on the Apprentice. A huge star! And that star would be me! By having a special star on the Apprentice, uh, ratings would soar. Why? Because I've been on television for over 35 years. Wherever I go, people tune in to see me! Hell, I single-handedly carried the ratings for Monday Night Raw. My presence alone is responsible for USA being the #1 Network in all of cable.

If you're an idiot - say what!"

Crowd: What?

"What I thought. Proved my point here in Louisiana."
            - Vince McMahon

Lawler laughs and I join him. I thought that Big Mac had finally outsmarted the crowd. Guess what. No. It just made the chants a bit louder. When they finally simmered down…like Donald's feud with Rosie, Vinnie told the crowd he loved them and wanted to show his appreciation. The fans wanted to show theirs as well. They chanted "asshole." (JG Note: Jerry Lawler didn't think of anything else that the asshole chant sounded like. Not a "dump truck" moment, if you will.) Saint Vince forgives the crowd's chanting. In fact, as payment for their undying love, he promises to show his appreciation…next week.  I don't like the sound of that. 

Neither does John Cena.  The WWE Champion bops into the scene and mocks how Vince McMahon has become "Brother Love" with all his fake love. Come on, Daddy Mac. Listen to the people, "Pussbag." They don't want to hear you talk, yet you still do it! Yo. And what up with Donald Trump? You are obsessed with him! Come on, Boss. Remember when you were obsessed with DX? Well, you ended up with your head up Big Show's ass! Yuck! What about the obsession with starting your own football league? Remember that stupidity? Damn, son. Now you're all up on The Donald's jock. Why? Cause you're a shameless self promoting egomaniac just like him!

Coachman refutes all these accusations and said that Trump is a much bigger shameless self promoting egomaniac than Vince. In fact…

"Just because Donald Trump has more money than Mr. McMahon does not mean…"
         - John Coachman

This sends the boss over the edge. Vince takes the microphone and goes off. He claims that there's nothing that Donald Trump has more of than him. (JG Note: Patio Furniture? Wishnik Trolls? 5^th Avenue Bars?) Now, as for you, Champ. Here's what we're gonna do. You want to yak, yak, yak? Fine. Tonight, by order of VKM - the WWE version, not the TNA guys - it will be The WWE Champion John Cena versus…John Coachman! Everyone's surprised at the obvious eventual swerve as we hit a commercial break.

Commercial Break. Tomorrow night on Sci-Fi, Lashley takes on Bob Holly in the main event of ECW. No wonder USA is the #1 network on cable. If I had to choose between either ECW or Monk or Silk Stalkings or whatever else USA is playing now, I'd go with USA.

In the backstage area, John Coachman is still annoying Vince McMahon about Donald Trump. He kisses his boss' butt, but gets not love back. Vince, instead, gives him a small bit of leverage. Tonight, you have John Cena, right? You're fighting him? Well, tell you what…how about if you have lunch with Donald Trump next week? Coachman looks confused and Mr. McMahon makes things crystal clear for him - your match is still on! Growl!

Commercial break. WrestleMania is 69 days away. If they don't have Val Venis do a promo tonight, then they never will.

Backstage,. Maria is joined by former Philly and Met, Kenny Dykstra. The Dyker tells Maria to keep her eyes open for him at the Royal Rumble. He's gonna make him some history and win the whole damn thing. No matter who must fall, Ken will see it through and make 2007 his year. Yes. 2007 will be The Year of The Dykerino! (JG Note: Now that's a T-Shirt waiting to happen.  Yeah.  Money, baby.  Money.)

Randy Orton is all bruised up and pissed off when he runs into Edge backstage. There's a whole lot of bad blood between Cowboy Bob's son and Christian Cage's fake brother. Seems that Randall ain't too keen on being left for dead. Not cool, man. Not cool. Last week, as the RKO got slammed in the skull with a chair, R Rated took off. Whatever, Edgeman. Do your thing. Orton wants you to go out there and have your sissy little street fight. After that…whatever happens happens. The way Randy says it, it's meant as a threat - not a slick way of trying to get with a woman. Not like, "Whatever happens happens, baby." More like, "Whatever happens happens, punk!" It's a small difference, but a big one all at the same time.

Retro Commercial Break.

Your time is up.

Ahhhh!  Put the gun down!

The match is one and John Cena is here.  But, wait. Before the match starts, John Coachman confronts him with a microphone. Let's do this, Cena. But first, let's do the obvious swerve thing. Your match with the Coach is set in stone. However, Jonathon can throw in a special pre-match. Yes, sir. We're going to send some random guys down to the ring, Royal Rumble style. Instead of focusing on eliminating one another, they're going to focus on you! Muwahahahahaha! With that, the Coachman summons the resident tag team mid-card jobbers to the stars.

3. The Great Khali won some weird Royal Rumble-like match-thing over Viscera, Charlie Haas, Shelton Benjamin, Lance Cade, Trevor Murdoch, and John Cena

First two men down were Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. Duh. They're like the Stooges at this point. The Mean Street Posse. Beverly Brothers. Bolsheviks. They're never going to win the big one. If they do, it won't be in their current incarnations. Someone's going to need to break away before one of them is going over Cena. The Champion saw to that. He tossed Murdoch over the ropes and seemed to have things set. Until…

The World's Greatest Tag Team came down the ramp. Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin joined Lance in beating the Marine down. After mere moments of that…Viscera showed up and joined the fray. What can make matters worse than that?

Kane!

Big Show!

Heidenreich!

The Great Khali!

Yes. The Great Khali slowly walked up the aisle and cleaned house…on the heels! He beat up Shelton Benjamin. He pounded down Charlie Haas. He beat pounded up down Lance Cade and tossed Viscera to the floor easily. With his arms stretched out in the air, Khali basked in the cheers of confused fans, who hadn't figured out he wasn't turning good, but just beating people up because he's nuts. After no-selling a top rope attack by John Cena, The Great One dumped Dr. Thuggy out of the ring and had his hand raised as the winner of this weird, nonsensical, Royal Rumble-like mess.  Yay!  Mess!

4. WWE Champion John Cena defeated John Coachman via disqualification in a non-match

As soon as the last thingamabob ended, this one started.  Coachman ran in and covered the prone Cena. But, John kicked out at two. How was the white rapper rewarded for his amazing comeback? Umaga came down the ramp and beat the holy hell out of him. Sucks for him. Umi  pounded The C-Man into oblivion and finished him off by a sick looking table spot.

Well, maybe it wasn't the most spectacular table spot ever. I'm sure there were better ones. Then again, you don't see them so often so they mean more…hey! Wait a minute! Good call, WWE. This one seemed to stand out because it doesn't happen much. With the WWE Champ spread out on the table, Maga hit a top rope splash and put him straight through. Whitey Von Rappy appeared to be half dead. Officials ran down to assist him and we went to commercial.

Commercial Break. Maureen O'Connell doesn't want me to send Craig Johnson to that open NY Senate Seat. She says that he wants to charge me lots of money and played the sound of a toilet flushing. Poor Craig. He's not even there yet and he's getting hazed.

Before the break, Umaga cracked John Cena in half. The officials have made zero progress in getting him out of the ring for the duration of the commercial break. Pretty crappy job on their parts. With the WWE Champion dry heaving, referees helped him from the ring while the creepy doctor with the bowtie asked him questions. The announcers mention how this is out of character for the Doctor of Thuganomics. What does this mean for his Royal Rumble Last Man Standing match with Umaga on Sunday? Only time will tell. It's a very grave situation. Oh the humanity! Sniff, sniff Poor John. Anyway, switching gears - heeeeeeeeeeeeere's boobies!