Canadian Bulldog's Retro Breaking News: Hillbilly Jim To Dedicate Royal Rumble Win To Uncle Elmer
By Canadian Bulldog
(Bulldog's Note: "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it." I can't remember who came up with that quote, but the fact remains that someone, somewhere, once said it. To help maintain a sense of wrestling history -- generally speaking, whenever I have nothing better to write -- I will be presenting "Retro Breaking News" from time to time, headlines from years past.
Now, you may be asking yourselves "How can it be breaking news when it happened years ago? Also, how could you have written something for this website before, technically, the site even existed?" Both of those are excellent questions.
(Originally published January 5, 1993)
Above: The Hillbillies, in happier times.
By Canadian Bulldog, World Wrestling Insanity News
(Mud Lick, KY) - When Hillbilly Jim enters the 30-man Royal Rumble later this month, he will have some additional inspiration to help him win the big match: the memory of his late Uncle Elmer.
"I'm going to win the Rumble for my Uncle Elmer, holmes" an enthusiastic Hillbilly Jim said. "He's going to be so proud of me, looking down from heaven at his familia. Viva la raza!"
Uncle Elmer, who passed away in June at the age of 54 due to complications related to diabetes, didn't return repeated phone calls made by World Wrestling Insanity News seeking comment.
According to a special WWF Magazine Update, brought to us by Lord Alfred Hays, Hillbilly Jim will probably show up to the Rumble driving Uncle Elmer's customized pickup truck, while fans in the crowd will cheer "El-mer! El-mer!" in the background.
(How Hays knows exactly how the fans will react is beyond us.)
In addition, the Slammy-winning recording artist, best known for his stirring rendition of "Waking Up Alone" with the lovable porcupine Gertrude, has began dressing like his late uncle, copying his signature moves (including the bear hug and belly bump) and wearing a black "UE" armband during all of his matches.
For the first time ever, the winner of this year's Royal Rumble will receive an automatic title shot against WWF World Champion Bret "Hit Man" Hart at WrestleMania IX in Las Vegas. Hillbilly Jim feels that, with Elmer's memory guiding him, he can main-event the big pay-per-view, even though he's currently lower on the company totem pole than, say, Doink The Clown or The Warlord.
Still, not everyone shares Hillbilly Jim's optimism (which may be the first time in history that particular sentence has ever been typed). Longtime rival Bob Orton recently goaded him on during an episode of Prime Time Wrestling, suggesting that "Elmer's not in heaven, bro. He's down there…" (pantomiming hell).
Orton's comments prompted a pull-apart brawl between the two grapplers, which had to be separated by referee Joey Marella, who is still very much alive in 1993.
"Next time, I'm going to finish what I started!" screamed Orton backstage, before going off to take a dump in the gym bag of Alundra Blayze. "Your lucky horseshoe won't be able to save you next time!"
Top insider sources within the industry such as Pro Wrestling Illustrated Weekly suggest that after Hillbilly Jim wins the WWF World Title at WrestleMania, he will begin a feud with Cousin Luke, who will claim that his cousin has been "living off of the memory of my uncle."
Uncle Elmer's widow Joyce, whom he married on an episode of Saturday Night's Main Event, is then expected to turn heel and side with Cousin Luke, culminating in a pay-per-view showdown between the two hillbillies. Okay, fine, on an episode of WWF Wrestling Challenge, then.
Cousin Junior, the fifth family member, is not expected to be involved in the angle. And that's the first time anyone has ever written down that sentence before.
"This is yet another example of the WWF exploiting someone's tragedy," wrote a prominent wresting magazine such as Wrestling Eye in its editorial (although, it probably wasn't actually Wrestling Eye because they knew how to spell "WWF" properly). "Don't they know by now, you don't go messin' with a country boy?"
Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and Online Onslaught and has published his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers. See his obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG for more details. He welcomes your comments at CanadianBulldog@worldwrestlinginsanity.com
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