Couture's Championship Profiles: Los Conquistadors
By James E. Couture
Folks, it's the wrestling journalist equivalent of unfrosted shredded wheat--not all that good, but I'll always be there, me, James E. Couture. Now, I'm gonna mix it up this week and try something different. Whilst browsing my favorite wrestling newz site ever, 1wrestlinganswerincunlimited.com, I read a totally legitimate article saying that Edge and Christian had gone all Police/Van Halen and gotten the band back together. No, it wasn't to face London and Kendrick, MNM, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan in a theoretical 4 way ladder match, but for a book titled "If We Did It: The Truth Behind The Los Conquistadors." Aside from the grammatical inaccuracy of saying "The The Conquerors", I was intrigued. Then I read they did an interview with acclaimed wrestling journalist/ballet dancing frontman Kip Winger. What follows is a transcript of that interview... Kip Winger: Now, I'm sitting here with Edgerrin P. Freely and Christian R. Cage, better known to wrestling fans as Edge and Christian.
Edge: How's your wife doin'?
Christian: Hey, you don't mind if I call you KW, right? When you're in trouble you call KW!! Get it, Darkwing Duck!! Let's get dan-ger-ous!
KW: Moving on...Let's get to the real nuts and meat of the issue. Are you, or have you ever been, Los Conquistadors?
E: No way chumpstain!
KW: But on October 23, 2000, Mick Foley showed a video of you two conspiring in Los Conquistador jumpsuits.
C: Easy mistake, mulchbucket. Those were our golden dance suits. We were going clubbing.
KW: Clubbing, in matching skintight gold jumpsuits?
E: Listen, we're not Los Conquistadors, but if we were we totally whupped the Hardy Boyz butts for the tag team titles.
C: The only reason we would have had to be Los Conquistadors is because Mick Foley wouldn't let us have another shot at the Hardyz. But Mick Foley sends lewd IMs to interns at WWE Headquarters, and he's a racist.
KW: I'm pretty sure that's Mark Foley,and besides, it's okay if they're only seventeen. How, though, is he racist?
E: He called Canadians maple-sucking-goose-humpers, and that only happened one time!
C: Besides, even though we're not Los Conquistadors, I tried on one of the old suits yesterday and it didn't fit. If it doesn't fit anymore, we aren't Los Conquistadors!
KW: So you're sticking with your claim?
C: Absolutely, skunkchugger. Didn't you see Los Conquistadors wrestle Edge the night after we...THEY won the titles?
KW: Well, yes, but....
E: But nothing! How could I wrestle myself?
KW: Well, they turned out to be the Hardyz...
E: There's your answer!
C: The Hardyz. It was always the Hardyz.
KW: The Hardyz didn't win the tag team titles from themselves!
E: But if they did...
And it goes on for about 3 more hours. Now, if what actually happened did happen, Edge and Christian won the tag titles as Los Conquistdors from the Hardyz, then the Hardyz won the tag titles the next night by retaining them as Los Conquistadors. So, are Los Conquistadors zero-time,one-time or two-time tag champions?
Hmm...Well, until VH1 takes a cue from MTV and starts "I Love The 70's Wrestling", with more floppy ring ropes, vicious claw holds, and sloppy shoulder blocks than you can handle, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.
I didn't just write this column.
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