LAST WEEK ON SMACKDOWN:  Rey got really caned, Scotty almost beat a champion and someone really needs to remind Khali what show he’s on every week…

THIS WEEK…

What a bitch.  Due to respond to Batista, and yet, you're held up at your day-job...

Even though this week is all about Undertaker talking, we kick off this week with another dose of Dave Batista, who this week is in a "SWEET JESUS, WHY????" white turtle-neck jersey and white trousers.  Anyway, he grabbed a mic, let the crowd say his name for a few moments, and then got to jabbering again.   He said that last week, he explained himself, but he is there to compete.  He said he was honoured to be chosen by Undertaker to face him.  Batista said he knew why he chose the Deacon, reasoning that Taker didn't want to face a push over, before saying they were going to have a war, and it was going to be ugly.  Batista said that while he had respect for Undertaker, he wouldn't be intimidated, at which point the gong went off and Taker graced us with his presence...

...via video!!!  We see a video of a graveyard as Undertaker narrates that there will be hell to pay and that "all things must die", before seeing Undertaker shovel some dirt into an empty grave.  He finished by saying at Wrestlemania, Batista's reign as Champion will Rest In Peace.  Or will it be in Peas?  Tune in April 1st to find out...  And that was, as they say, that.  Batista looked "wondrous" as we went to commercial break.

To be honest, I'm seriously losing excitement for this match, and it's only the clear thought in my mind that Undertaker is going to win that is keeping me going.  I mean, they went to lengths to pimp Undertaker's "response" this week, and all there was was a 2 minute video at the top of the show, which said precisely NOTHING new.  I'm not saying that, in an objective way, this is bad, but I subjectively expected bigger and better things.

Matt Hardy def. Joey Mercury to qualify for the Money In The Bank match at Wrestlemania in a "I guess this really is the Hardyz/MNM payoff..." match

Well, with Jeff Hardy in the Money In The Bank match, a Hardyz/MNM match this side of Backlash ain't happening, so, we'll call this the payoff and keep hoping for something later on.  We come back to the show with King Booker and THE NOSE~! walking around ringside to take up guest announcer spots.  As they made their entrances, Booker said that he had nothing to do with Khali beating down Kane last week during Booker's victorious match last week, while, once again, this MITB match got the "Main Event introduction" treatment.

And the first 30 seconds of the match is taken up with nothing but Booker doing ALL the talking.  It was back and forth in the early stages, until Hardy got a cool rib breaker and a nice front suplex.  However, Matthew missed a moonsault which gave Mercury an opening.  A corner whip was reversed, but Mercury slipped out of a crucifix powerbomb position and rammed Hardy's shoulder into the steel post as we, in the UK, took a mini-break.

Back from that, Mercury was in control, with an arm drag scoring a couple of 2 counts.  Hardy's arm was then wrapped over the top rope before things spilled outside.  Mercury then hit a nice move using the apron itself to hurt Matt's arm.  Joey pulled Hardy's shoulder into the ring post for 2 again.  Mercury went to a top-wrist lock, but Hardy made it out with a jawbreaker.  However, a swift kick to the injured arm saw Joey stay on top.  He continued to work on the arm, before going up top.  However, Matt caught Mercury and threw him off.  They started to slug it out, but the momentum went with Hardy as he hit a clothesline in the corner followed by a bulldog.  Mercury avoided an axe handle off the middle rope, but walked into a Side Effect.  Hardy ripped off Mercury's face mask, but missed a haymaker.  Mercury went up top, but Hardy punched him clean on the second attempt and hit a Twist Of Fate from the second rope to advance to Wrestlemania.

Thoughts - 6.5/10 - This was decent enough action between these two, with Mercury working over Hardy's arm well.  However, I feel that Booker took away a lot from the match.  If he EVER decides he wants to start commentating regularly, he desperately needs to shut the hell up at times.  He talks incessantly.  He often repeats the same phrase over and over.  And over.  And over.  I found it hard to concentrate on typing this, let alone watch the match because of Booker's drawl constantly in my ears.

Don't write cheques your ass isn't going to cash...

We go backstage to Kristal who is, as always, with Vicki Guerrero.  And this week, Vicki has dressed an awful lot like MVP...  Hang on...it IS MVP!!!  Well colour me in with a pencil and call me a dirt bike!  After all these weeks, you'd just assume it was Vicki, but no, there's Kristal and yet, no Vicki...  Anyway, MVP was here to pimp his chances at winning his Money In The Bank match qualifier.  He was, as he put it, "Ballin'!"

Jimmy Wang Yang, Shannon Moore & Scotty Taylor def. Chavo Guerrero, Gregory Helms & Daivari in a "At least Scotty didn't get the win or do "that move"..." match

After Maryse's weekly filler, it was time for our fill of the little guys, and yes, Shannon Moore is officially on Smackdown now.   And I bet Greg Helms rues getting new music since it made him lose his belt, while Cole got in a funny line about Daivari impressing while coming to Smackdown.  HE LOST TO SCOTTY!!!  He let everyone and himself down!

The former members of Three Count in this match started off, with Helms taking it to Moore.  Hardy was right in his recent blog, they SO need to find what Evan Karagias is doing these days.  Chavo came in, as did Scotty, who hit Chavo with a back suplex, but got distracted by Helms, allowing Chavo to attack.   Somehow this didn't last long, as Scotty was allowed to mount Chavo in the corner.  Thankfully, however, Helms knocked Scotty off the top, as he became the babyface bitch.  That's more Scotty's position in the scheme of things.  Enough with booking him strong.  Daivari took over with a chinlock, before Helms came in with s suplex, before he tagged out to the guy holding his belt, Chavo, who hit a wrist lock.

Scotty was released and managed to hit a superkick (of sorts) on Chavo.  Scotty made the tag to Jimmy Yang, who met Daivari in the middle, scoring a near fall with a standing moonsault.  Helms hit the old "eye Of The Hurricane" on Yang, and Scotty hit the bulldog.  However, as he primed himself for "that move", Chris Kay made himself my favourite referee ever by stopping the illegal man from hitting his crappy thing.  Everyone ended up spilling outside, except for the legal men, Yang & Daivari, where Yang avoided a corner splash, hitting his moonsault on the Arabian for the win!

Thoughts - 6/10 - Fast paced and decent enough, especially towards the end.  Too much of Scotty being strong though.  He better not get any shot at Wrestlemania...

I complain, they listen?  Not quite...

We're dipping into the Vault once again, and the first thing we see is Chris Jericho's TitanTron (and a pretty old one).  And then, a familiar name is said.  Hulk Hogan.  Then a very familiar date is shown on screen.  June 2002.  Do you know why these things are familiar?  No?  Let me shout it at you in a big vent of frustration.

IT WAS THE SAME MATCH THEY SHOWED US THREE WEEKS AGO!!!

This time, however, it was the whole match, rather than the last 5 or so minutes.  Seriously, this is the right direction, but whose retarded idea was it to give us the same match for the second time in a month?

Seems like Million Dollar Man was wrong all this time...

After a recap of Umaga's Mysterio-cide last week (which in an bizarre bit of juxtaposition, was before the Vault segment, and there was nary an ad break to be seen in between any of this...), the Chairman Of The Board made his way out to the ring.  Isn't it funny how when ECW & Smackdown get good, Vince suddenly cares enough to appear on the show?  Vince hit the ring and put over Umaga, especially for his beating of Rey.  He then went over the stipulation of the match, saying that this match had to do with ego and embarrassment.  Vinny told Donald to imagine getting shaved bald by the world, before saying that when he wins, Vince's ego will be larger than ever.  Vince then introduced a video of the announcement of Trump's rep, Bobby Lashley, complete with great pull apart brawl and then, as an added bonus, a video of the happenings on ECW this past week, which some smart, funny, generous and down right sexy guy reviews.

Back on Smackdown, Vince mentions the revealing of the special referee on RAW (why not here, Vince?) when Lashley made his way out, which Cole sold as if Lashley has never been on Smackdown before.  Vince figured that Lashley wanted to make a deal.  Vince offered Bobby twice as much money as Trump was giving him.  Lashley says that it was an honour to be chosen by Trump, and that it will be his pleasure to beat Umaga.  Vince slapped the taste out of Lashley's mouth, but Lashley gave Vinny Mac the ol' stinkeye, sending Vince running from the ring.

The "Screwening" continues...

To say that Vince McMahon was unhappy would be something of an understatement, as we came back from break to see him berating a useless peon backstage when Ken Kennedy barges into the room, to see the boss.  Kennedy was in a Vince-calming mood this evening, as he desired a match with Bobby Lashley (boy, did he want it???).  This gave Vince an idea, as he made the match, made it for the ECW Title and made it a No Hold Barred contest.  Well, sort of.  You see, while Kennedy could No Holds Barred away to his hearts content, Lashley had to play by normal match rules, so could be disqualified or counted out, and if he were to be DQ'ed or counted out, then it would be TNA rules, and Kennedy would get the ECW Title!  Is it just me, or is that a step down from the 5 minute rule from ECW?  I always find it funny that even though Vince is the boss and he can do whatever he wants to screw with someone, he never goes that extra mile.  He has to ration it out I suppose.  I mean, I thoroughly predict there will be a match where the Powerslam and/or Dominator are banned.

Ashley def. Jillian in a "How can this be a shot when Jillian is hotter and a better singer?" match

Apparently, rather than any "American Idol" or Britney Spears reference, Jillian's singing gimmick is apparently a shot at Brooke Hogan, since things with Hulk aren't all that good at the moment.  Also, she also had a headset microphone Anyway, She gave us a couple of lines before Ashley started the match.  Jillian got the better of the early exchanges but Ashley got in some elbows on Hall, following up with a headscissors.  The latest Playboy girl then went for a crucifix pin on Jillian, but Hall turned it into a Samoan for a two. Ashley scored a schoolgirl for 2 before Hall whipped Massaro into the corner, The punk-grrl then tried a hurricanrana but Hall turned it into a nice and tight powerbomb.  Ashley slipped out of a scoop slam, hitting a reverse DDT, before hitting "The Star" (or whatever it was that Cole called it.  It was her elbow form the second rope, anyway) for the win.

Thoughts - 5/10 - Ashley keeps on improving, although she's still green.  Jillian seems to be having fun with her new gimmick too.  Possibly one of the best matches Ashley's had.

Finlay def. MVP & Chris Benoit to qualify for the Money In The Bank match at Wrestlemania in a "a Little Bastard no more..." match

Finlay was out first, as the previously-named Little Bastard started on the announcers.  Finlay chewed Cole out for calling him "Little Bastard", saying that his name was "Hornswaggle", leaving JBL & Cole looking entirely confused.  Very funny bit.  The guy who claimed he was "Ballin'!" was out next, followed by Benoit.  Benoit went after MVP, but Finlay went after Benoit.  That allowed both the heels to start working over Benoit.  Finlay got the better end of the deal though, as MVP generally took a beating while Finlay gave it.  However, there wasn't much of an alliance to speak of, as MVP slingshotted Finlay to the outside.  Benoit dived out to join them, but Finlay moved, with Benny-Wa hitting Montel, as things went to break.

The heels were still on top of the Wolverine as we returned, taking turn at beating on him.  Finlay took Benoit down with a short clothesline before going to a headlock.  Benoit turned that into an arm drag, but MVP tripped Benoit up at the ropes, before clubbing him down for a 2 count, followed by a snapmare.  The two worked over Benoit with punches and kicks and what not.  Finlay then speared Benoit in the corner, while MVP then gave him a scoop slam and dancing elbow.  The heel affinity ended there though, as Finlay clotheslined MVP down.  Finlay missed a charge on Benoit though, allowing Benoit to hit German suplexes on both opponents and then the Sharpshooter on MVP.  Finlay saved the day, but only walked into the Crossface.  MVP returned the saving favour though, with a pair of boots to the face.  MVP took an enziguri for his troubles though.  On the outside, Benoit gave Finlay another German, but it allowed Porter to catch Benoit on the apron.  Benoit got dumped back in, but MVP missed his high boot in the corner, Benoit hitting the Triple Germans.  He went up top, but missed the headbutt.

Hornswaggle tried getting in the ring.  While the ref dealt with him, Finlay simply clubbed Benoit & MVP to death down with the shillelagh. pinning Benoit to move on.

Thoughts - 7/10 - Again, this was a pretty good match, although the finish was a bit sudden with Finlay just clubbing both guys down.  I like Finlay in the ladder match though, as he brings the stiff shots.  Plus, as someone pointed out, at this point, you have The Hardy Boyz, The King's Court and potentially Rated RKO, should Orton get the final place (and to be honest, I can't see any other spot for Randy on the card).

Sweet & (A Little) Sour

Cole & JBL get into the pimpage for next week, which is always nice.  And indeed, they have 2 matches on the bill.  First off, Undertaker will be taking on Finlay, which should be good.  Quite possibly VERY good, in fact.  Meanwhile, Batista will be taking on the other half of the "Paul Bearer-Connection", Kane, which if it's anything like I remember their previous confrontations to be, won't be so good.  But hey, we all live in hope.

Bobby Lashley def. Ken Kennedy to retain the ECW Title in a "See, Vince did take notes..." Kinda-No Holds Barred match

Kennedy's first point of business is to relieve some turnbuckles of their padding, which of course, was perfectly legal for him.  After that, Kennedy got his mic from the roof (I hope we see Sting on the end of those one day.  Just for laughs.  It would be funny.  Either way, Kennedy said he'd be winning.  Who'd have thunk that?

Kennedy tried to make early use of those exposed turnbuckles, but Lashley blocked it.  Lashley was tempted to make use of them himself, but remembered that he would have gotten DQ'ed for it.  Lashley sent Kennedy into a fully padded corner, but Ken slid out of the powerslam, and managed to bash Lashley's head in an uncovered corner.  He scored a 2 count from that as we took the final commercial break.

Back "live", and we see Kennedy whip Lashley into an uncovered corner, and dumped to the outside.  Kennedy caught Lashley coming back in with a nice neckbreaker in the ropes.  Lashley made it back up to the ring in 8, but got kicked off again.  Kennedy sent Lashley into the steps, and got Mickey Henson to start counting Lashley out again.  This time, Lashley made it back into the ring, but Kennedy stayed in control.  Kennedy unravelled some of his wrist tape and started choking Bobby with it.  However, Lashley powered up and sent Kennedy into a corner.  He went for the Powerslam again, but again, Kennedy slid out and chop-blocked the champion.  Kennedy brought in a chair and smacked Lashley with it.  That only got 2.  Kennedy then it a rolling Samoan for another 2.  Kennedy then got a measure of revenge for No Way Out, laying a few shots into Lashley.  Lashley blocked a shot and stopped just short of using the chair himself, lest he were disqualified.  See what I mean, Lashley was in a situation where he had a chair in his hands, but couldn't go postal with it.  However, in a pretty cool spot.  Kennedy went to chop block Lashley again, but Lashley jumped up over it, giving him the chance to hit the Powerslam for the victory.

Thoughts - 7/10 - Just like ECW, this match told a good story where Lashley had to keep his head on a couple of occasions while Kennedy used weaponry and even tired getting Lashley counted out.  Pretty good stuff all around.

OVERALL - 7/10 (+ 1 on last week) - Again, this was a pretty good show, with Money In The Bank and the Hair vs. hair match (naturally) taking precedence.  As I already wrote, I was rather disappointed by the opening segment, at least in terms of my own expectations, but I suppose the match is pretty much set, and selling itself as “Title vs. Streak” at this point.  But all in all, up to the current standard.

That’s all I got for now, but if you have something to say about this week’s Smackdown, you can e-mail me at dedicated e-mail address, or come hunt me down on the WWI Forums!

OR, you can find me along with the rest of the dribbling masses on MY OWN MYSPACE PAGE!

Well, I’ll be back soon enough, but for now, I believe I’ve fulfilled my contractual obligations.  For reading this, And continuing to support World Wrestling Insanity, you’re cooler than the other side of the pillow…

I’m out.