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JG's 3/12 Raw Insanity: The Rock Returns To Raw, Steve Austin Threatens To Beat Up Donald Trump, and The Rockers of Thuganomics Run The Gauntlet
By James Guttman
 ...
Everyone's talking about WrestleMania. The yearly supercard is mere weeks away and, as always, the company has made it into a week-long affair. With autograph signings, fan conventions, Twister contests, and all the other festivities on the agenda before Mania, no one's talking about the agenda after Mania. Well, we are. Thanks to our special top secret contact, we were able to get a copy of WWE's post-WrestleMania agenda out of their trash. Don't ask who the contact is. We can't tell you. All we can say is that it's definitely not Duke "The Dumpster" Drose. Ooops. I've said too much. Read on: WWE's POST WRESTLEMANIA AGENDA * Offer Bob Backlund induction into the 2008 Hall of Fame. * Find Ric Flair's pants. * Film DVD Extra Interviews with: ECW Originals - (Production Notes: Make sure talent states, "WrestleMania is awe inspiring. It puts anything ECW did to shame." But, you know, in their own words.) * Auction Mr. McMahon's hair on WWE's Auction website. Include the following blurb: "You watched it at WrestleMania. Now YOU can own a piece of history. For the FIRST TIME EVER, WWE CHAIRMAN VINCE MCMAHON has put his hair up for auction. After Bobby Lashley's victory over the Samoan Bulldozer Umaga, Mr. McMahon was forced to have his head shaved BALD! Donald Trump may have won the BATTLE OF THE BILLIONAIRES, but the REAL WINNER IS YOU! Order today AND receive A bag full of MR. MCMAHON'S prized locks! Serious bids only. Seriously. Don't f**k around. You buy it, you buy it. Capice? " * Bring back Rene Dupree then suspend him again. Maybe fire him. Who knows? * Check on future celebrity crossover possibilities. Names: Paris Hilton * Apologize to Ivanka Trump for Randy Orton's behavior. * Check on Ashley.
* Bring back K-Fed for another run. Also, bring back George the Animal Steele to come out in a dress and play the role of crazy bald Britney Spears during a Raw segment. * Call Chyna and remind her that she's still fired. * Figure out where the hell we left Cryme Tyme. * Offer Sting induction into the 2008 Hall of Fame. * Leave a comment on J.R.'s blog under a fake name and berate him for keeping Randy Savage out of the WWE Hall of Fame. When he responds, write two more. When he responds to that - four…and so on. * Bring back Goldust for one week. That's it. Just one week. Have him do a backstage segment where he puts his wig on Mr. McMahon's bald head. Then, release him. Immediately. Just one week. * Prepare Triple H's return promos regarding other Superstars: "I was straight edge before it was hip and cool like some of these other poseurs." "Meet the man who made you care about John Cena." "Great Khali sure is big, but I got something bigger right…down…here!" * Bring back Paul Heyman for a brief run right before the next ECW pay-per-view so that when the ratings tank, we can blame him. * Offer Abyss induction into the 2008 Hall of Fame. * Do a WWE.com "Where Are They Now?" Story on Brock Lesnar. Start the rumor that he works at Pizza Hut. * Beat C.M. Punk with a rusty pipe. If he complains, abruptly end his push and say it's because he has a bad attitude.
* Negotiate with Hulk Hogan. End negotiations with Hulk Hogan. Negotiate with Hulk Hogan. End negotiations with Hulk Hogan. Keep this cycle going until WrestleMania 24. * Convince Gene Snitsky to get a big tattoo of Mr. Belvedere on his head. Tell him it'll earn him a title shot. * Give Roddy Piper an Intercontinental Title run. Put him over Carlito…a lot. * Send Vince Russo a check for his fine work in that top secret mission we assigned him. * See what Batista is complaining about. * Prepare work on the sequel to Piledriver: The Album, entitled "Powerbomb: The Album." Songs to record: "Powerbomb" by Bobby Lashley * Offer Samoa Joe induction into the 2008 Hall of Fame. * Bring in a new tag team. Give them weeks of vignettes. Have them debut by defeating the Tag Champs in a non-title match and a six-man. Push them for two more weeks and then send them to Heat. Repeat this process every 3-4 months * Have JBL go into the ring and deliver a 30 minute speech denouncing minorities, homosexuals, and midgets. If possible, have him say they should be put in a box and sent to the bottom of the ocean. Just as the crowd is about to riot, send out Ron Simmons to say, "Damn!" Everyone will laugh. Anyone who's still offended will be told, "Can't you take a joke?" We will tell them this through a WWE.com article entitled, "Can't You Take a Joke?" * Have an angry bald Vince McMahon force Brutus Beefcake to join the "Kiss My Ass Club" on Raw. * Explain to Mick Foley that - No, WrestleMania wouldn't have been more successful if each match on the card had been Cactus Jack vs. Terry Funk. * Send an email to Kurt Angle that reads, "Hey. Looks like all your friends are getting into the Hall of Fame." CC Dixie Carter on it.
ClubWWI.com Members, Check Out - JG’s 3/12 Raw Insanity Extra: More Items From WWE's Post-WrestleMania Agenda Not a member? or go to CLUBWWI.com
Last week, John Cena arrived too late to save Shawn Michaels, but HBK made it in time to save Cena. However, he stopped and pondered the situation first. God was just testing him. The Heartbreak Kid made it his goal to ensure that nothing happens to John Cena before WrestleMania. He'll be sure to have the Champ's back…or will he? Muwahahahaha! Welcome to Raw, people! Jim Ross is at ringside and he's with this week's guest on JG‘s Radio Free Insanity, Jerry The King Lawler. Yup. In case you missed the giant banner and the press release, The King joined ClubWWI.com this past week for an unedited 62 minute shoot interview about a number of subjects including things that are more important to him than watching TNA, mixed feelings on his Hall of Fame induction, Hulk Hogan's Memphis Misconception, Vince McMahon's hair, Billy Graham's long-winded acceptance speech, Jim Ross, Paul Heyman, Lou Thesz and so much more. Be sure to check it out. You hear him every week on Raw, now hear him when he's really raw. It's a rare opportunity to spend over an hour in the presence of wrestling royalty.
Anyway…where were we? Oh yeah. Raw. Anyway, Jerry's just as excited as his Southern Fried Companion over tonight's show. Hell, who wouldn't be? We have John Cena in the ring…now! The WWE Champion stands center-ring and lets the crowd in on something he notices. Tension in the air. For six weeks, John has wondered whether or not he should trust Shawn Michaels. He keeps waiting on that big back-stab to go down. When's the Pearl Harbor job, HBK? WrestleMania's around the corner. It's here. So with that looming in the future, Cena senses that you may turn baddie out of nowhere. You know, the ol' Paul Orndorff routine? Well, nah-ah. If you're going to turn from face to heel, you best do it now. No more playing. Dance your sequined ass out here and let's get it done! Shawn Michaels prances up the aisle and into the ring. Before the Boy Toy can utter a word, Cena speaks. The Marine has you all figured out, Heartbreak. Yeah. The only reason you have is back is because of what he has on his front. That's the WWE Title. You want it. That's the only reason you're being all friendly and junk. Fess up. HBK answers this accusation: "You got me, John. What can I say? I am not gonna win good Samaritan of the Year this year. I have one goal and one goal only at WrestleMania and that is to walk out of there the WWE Champion. But as I sit here and I look at you, you look pretty good. So as far as watching your back, I think I've kept my word. Now you come out here and you pine away and you ask the question, 'When is Shawn Michaels gonna turn on me? When is Shawn Michaels gonna knock my head off with some Sweet Chin Music?' You know, I wanna know why nobody's asking the question of when is John Cena gonna turn on HBK? Because I see that look in your eye, John Cena, and I know that you will do whatever it takes to stay the WWE Champion and to be perfectly honest kid, that' what I dig about you! But you have to understand one thing. As badly as you want to keep that Championship, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels wants one more day in the sun that much more!" This triggers some theme music that I completely don't recognize. Oh. It's Coach. I go through this every time he comes out. What was wrong with the old theme? It was catchy. Now, every time he comes out, I think it's Mark Henry. Anyway, generic music or not, Coachman is in the house. He's here to inform you two battling bozos that there's still something to consider here. You two are fighting and fussing and you're forgetting that you share a title. The tag team title. You have a responsibility as a team. Now buck up and get along…for the sake of the titles. Please! We must remember the titles! To make sure you don't forget that you hold the tag championship, Jonathon is booking you two in a Gauntlet! He doesn't mean the 80s arcade game. Oh no. He means three title matches for the Rockers of Thuganomics in one night. What night? Tonight! Oh, and Commercial Break. Gatorade A.M. - It's just like Gatorade only you drink it in the morning. If you drink regular Gatorade in the morning, your stomach explodes. "Everybody" is talking about the Battle of Celebrities. Of course, by "everybody," they mean "all the people we asked about it." Yo. Does the back of your shirt say "Eat Spit?" Yeah, Randy. Leave me alone. No way. Yo! Ric! The back of his shirt says, "Eat Spit." Hey. If I spit, will you eat it? Seriously, man. Leave me alone. What the…! Ha ha. It wasn't me, man. It wasn't me. Ric put the used Blowpops in your afro. Not me! Ha ha. Ah….no. It's good. We're good. Friends? Friends. Ahh….OK. Let's go out there and make history, Wishnik 1. Money in the Bank Qualifier: Triangle Match - Randy Orton vs. Carlito vs. Ric Flair This one worked the way you might expect at first. Ric Flair and his own personal Gilligan, Carlito, ganged up on Randy Orton. They felt they rightfully deserved a second one-on-one chance considering this match was originally between them, but ruined by Great Khali. That big ruiner. Since the contest was elimination style, common sense dictated that two men should team up on one. In this case, the mentor and the student joined forces to take on the Legend Killer. Well, until dissension set in. After a brief disagreement, The Nature Boy pie-faced his Chia-Student. Carly stumbled and slammed Ric with his patented Backcracker. All this in-fighting was their downfall, though. Randy recovered, sent Cool over the top rope, hit the RKO, and eliminated Naitch. (Sting Note: Oh. Your friend turn on you, Ric? Huh? WELL BOO HOO! BOO FRIGGIN' HOO! Doesn't feel so good, huh? Huh? Yeah.) 1a. Randy Orton pinned Ric Flair after the R.K.O. With Slick Ric out of the picture, Carlito was left to fend for himself. He started things quickly with a surprise dropkick on Orton, sending him crashing to the mat. It was a momentary advantage for the Apple Spitter as Randy regained the momentum and proceeded to pound his prey with reckless abandon. From the Orton Stomp to the Chinlock of Doom, the Rated R Tag Team partner kept Carly at bay. The Caribbean One made quick comebacks, but seemed to be all but finished when his opponent starting sizing him up for the RKO. Carl responded with an unexpected Hurricanrana and surprised Ort with a series of near falls. It ended as quickly as it began, though. Afro Joe found himself crotched on the top rope and nailed with the dreaded Diamond Cutter O. Three seconds later and Randy Orton takes the predictable win. 1b. Randy Orton pinned Carlito after the R.K.O. The full list of participants in the Money in the Bank match is: Edge, Orton, King Booker, C.M. Punk, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Fit Finlay, and Mr. Kennedy. Last week on ECW, Bobby Lashley squeezed Vince McMahon's hand really hard. He vowed that next time around, he'll "break it off." Break his hand off? I wonder how much they'd start the bidding on WWE Auctions for that. Commercial Break. Mary Shaw is sending her puppets after you. Yeah? Well I'm sending Chucky after her! Friends to the end, hi-dee-ho, ha ha ha. Last week on Smackdown, Great Khali attacked Kane. This video footage is brought to me by TMNT. Yup. The Ninja Turtles told me about it. What's that? Yes. Yes I do believe everything that talking turtles tell me. Chris Masters is in the ring and he's not getting any challengers. Maybe they don't recognize him because he's growing a beard. I swear. This guy's a master of disguise. It's as if he's hiding from the law. He shrinks. He grows. He has a goatee. He has a beard. I'm waiting for him to show up with a beehive hairdo and a fu man chu. He's like Eric Bischoff with all his makeovers. Anyway, no one is here to take the Masterlock Challenge. No one is steppin' up, as the kids say. So… Chris turns his attention to Lillian Garcia. Whatcha say Diamond Lil? How's about if you take the Masterlock Challenge? Huh? Come on, baby. Chris' Masterlock brings all the girls to the yard. So park yourself down and let him put his tender lovin' full nelson on… I am Super! I am Crazy! I am Super Crazy! That's great. I am Bob. I am Jones. I am Bob Jones. I'm here to tell you they're playing your music. That's great. Yeah. Funny. Now, seriously, they're playing your music. Commercial Break. Mick Foley has a new autobiography, Hardcore Diaries. He talks about all the problems that he saw with WWE's product. Mick offered suggestions, but WWE didn't take them. Hmmm. So strange. I wonder why they wouldn't take creative suggestions from a guy who's been dropped on his head 700 times. Video honoring WWE Hall of Famer, the late Ernie "The Cat" Ladd. Ernie passed away yesterday at the age of 68. Edge and Randy Orton are backstage in the Rated R Locker Room. The two aren't seeing eye to eye anymore. Come WrestleMania, all bets are off. The former Tag Team Champions will be on separate sides of the ring for the Money in the Bank match. Orton knows that your days are numbered, Edge. Mania will be Randy's finest day. Christian Cage's fake brother informs his arrogant former-partner of his record. Adam Copeland has been in 12 ladder matches and is undefeated at WrestleMania! Bam! Eat that, Bag Pooper! Randall responds with the most predicable response possible. Come on. Everyone. All together now: Back in the arena, Lillian Garcia directs us to the Titan Tron. It's one of the only times it has ever paid to listen to Lillian Garcia. We see a man hidden behind a newspaper. The faceless voice is talking about the Battle of the Billionaires. When the paper is finally thrown down, the place goes completely insane. Actually, given the guest, it might be more appropriate to say that the crowd goes more insane than a monkey's nipple rectum. "Finally there's someone that knows the truth because finally…the Rock has come back to Monday Night Raw! Yes, that's right. The Great One. The People's Champion back on Raw. Now the question, who's gonna get their head shaved at WrestleMania? Well, the answer's simple. Vince McMahon. No offense, Vince. We've been through a lot together, a whole hell of a lot together, but there's no way that you and Umaga are going to beat Donald Trump and Bobby Lashley. Let me ask you a question. Do you even know what Umaga means in Samoan?" The Great One explains that he's half black and half Samoan so he can answer this, although most people knew that from Opie and Anthony. Umaga means - wait for it - "shriveled up monkey penis." (JG Note: Of course! Why didn't we realize this earlier?) Rocky asks the chairman how he can possibly win his Mania match with a shriveled up monkey penis. Badaboomching! The Scorpion King finishes the promo with this great line: "That is a guan-damn-tee courtesy of the jabronie beating - lalalalow - pie eating, death defying, electrifying, can star in a movie, can catch a pass, still have the ability to layeth the smackethdown on your candy ass! If you smellllll-a-lalalalallallaaooooowwwww what the Rock…is….cooking." That was truly awesome. There's no other way to describe it. It felt like he had pent up "The Rock" character for a few years and has to smile all the time for the nice photographers. It's been a while since he could say "penis" and mime "pie-eating" on television. Also, no matter who your favorite wrestler is, you have to pay respect here. No one can do what the Rock does. That guy can turn a crowd on its ear in a minute. It was great to see him back on the show. The audience was really into it too. John Cena has two belts on his arm and he's heading to the ring. He going to play Gauntlet…next! I call the Wizard! 2. WWE Tag Team Champions John Cena and Shawn Michaels defeated the World's Greatest Tag Team when John forced Charlie Haas to submit to the STFU Hi. We're the first tag team. We're not gonna win. You know that. We know that. Everybody knows that. Look. Look. We lost. Just now. See? Told you. 3. WWE Tag Team Champions John Cena and Shawn Michaels defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch when Cena pinned Trevor. The finish to this one was pretty good actually. John Cena had Trevor up in the F-U, but HBK stepped in. He threw a Superkick and smacked Murdoch right in the face. As Larry The Heat Guy fell to the mat, John looked stunned. Surprised by his partner's actions, the Champ was still aware that he had a match to win. He covered Trev and put match #2 to bed. Third match…that can only mean one thing! It's Rip vs. Zeus time, baby. In other words, lower the cage, jock ass! 4. WWE Tag Team Champions John Cena and Shawn Michaels defeated MNM when Cena pinned Joey Mercury. Team #3 is MNM. Johnny Nitro and Joey Mercury are on-again as a team, I guess. Either way, I'm not going to argue. MNM vs. Cena and Michaels is nothing to complain about. This one was violent and saw a maskless Mercury take things to an intense level. Nitro followed suit and did all he could to bring the tag titles back to kayfabe "Hollywood." Unfortunately for the Fur Coat Express, they weren't fighting the Beverly Brothers. They were fighting the WrestleMania Raw Main Event. In the end, Dr. Thuggy and Kid Heartbreak were too much for them to handle. The Tag champs took turns battering Mercury and bickering with one another. When they finally did take the time to end the contest, they did it with style. Shawn nailed Joey with a Superkick. The Stuff In The Thermometer Guy staggered backwards and right into the F-Uing arms of the Prototype. Whoosh. Splat. Tap. Tap. Tap. Ding.
Following the finish, the first two teams ran back out to "get them some." Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, Trevor Murdoch, and Lance Cade all ran in to attack the tag champs. Luckily they were able to clean house.. and present a pretty awkward-looking spot. Cena stood in the ring with a steel chair raised behind the back of his tag partner. After what seemed like hours, Charlie Haas ran in. Michaels turned and saw Cena with a chair in hand. He ducked, but at half speed, and could be heard saying, "Go." John went, swung his weapon, and laid Haas out. As the WWE Champion left the ring, Jerry Lawler wondered if he might have hesitated because he wanted to hit his partner. Maybe he just suddenly flaked out and couldn't remember why he was holding the chair. He might have gotten confused and thought he was going to eat lunch or watch TV. Either way, in the end the WWE Champion used the chair for the reason it was intended…to smash another person in the face. That's what's important. Jeff Hardy's here and he's ready to fight. Unfortunately, Edge is here and he's ready to back pedal. The R Rated Superstar knows that you two have a match booked tonight. Fine. One small problem, Rainbow Warrior, Copeland isn't into racism. You learned that last week. Well, now we're in Washington…home of the Redskins. That's racist! You are a racist, sir! Well Edgar ain't racist. In fact, he's so against racism that he can't even bring himself to wrestle in a town that makes fun of Native Americans! No way, Chief Jay. Instead, Adam has a buddy standing by ready to take his place. That buddy is of Native American decent too. In fact, forget the ten little Indians, he's the biggest Indian of them all…the Great Khali! 5. The Great Khali vs. Jeff Hardy was ruled a no-contest when Kane interfered. Jeff Hardy spent the opening of the match getting tossed around like a Jake Roberts WWF Wrestling Buddy. Then again, that's what his job is lately. He's the resident tossing-guy for the giants. The beating didn't last too long, though. Luckily for the Charismatic Enigma, the Big Red Machine would be there to play the hero. You know what they say. Save the Rainbow Warrior - Save the World. After the red lights and the evil music played, Kane ran in and Khali scurried off like a gigantic bearded cockroach. Paul Bearer's bald little boy expressed his anger by attacking the announce table with a metal hook. Yes. A hook. He also appeared to be talking to the Hook. Mr. Hook-o. Backstage, Donald Trump is getting his hair sprayed. He asks the hairdresser if Vince McMahon's hair is real or fake. She says she can't say...but Jerry Lawler can. He talks about Vince's crazy obsession with toupees in his uncut interview right now on ClubWWI.com. What? I'm just saying... Commercial Break. Tomorrow night on ECW… Mick Foley! Yup. Two things that were supposed to be gone for good in 2001. Your next entrant into the 2008 Hall of Fame…Mr. Fuji! You damn right! Master Fuji was the "Devious One" for a reason. Watching him cackle as he ran around ringside in his tuxedo was just awesome. I don't think there will ever be another character like him again. He had a style all his own. Mick Foley's here and he has his book. He plugs it for a bit. Then, speaking of plugging it for a bit, Ashley shows up. She has her book too. Of course, her book is Playboy magazine. Foley offers to take it, but aww gee, he can't bring himself to look at his friends naked. It makes him feel weird, the big oaf. Aw. He's like Hurley. As Cactus went to read from his book, Ash held up her spread. Mankind got an eyeful of Ashley's assetts, and nearly fell on the floor. Luckily Ron Simmons was there to sum it all up. "Damn!" We go to an awesome Tale of the Tape for Vince vs. Trump. Donald's weight is listed as "Less Than Rosie." Vince's listed as "More Than Bob Costas." Hilarious. This made me laugh out loud. It's Vince McMahon's turn to get his hair done. The chairman asks his hair styling employee whether he has better hair than the Donald. Before she can answer, the Coach runs in. Mr. McHairy doesn’t want to see him, though. He condemns Coachman for his putrid bald head and sends him away. Get your hairless head out of here! Wow. Of all the reasons for the boss to not like Coach and he chooses his baldness? 6. WWE Women's Champion Melina pinned Torrie Wilson in a Non-Title Match Melina is looking more and more like a wrestler every week. Her Women's Title reign is working out so far and she gains credibility each time out. The weird thing about WWE now is how easily the company went from having a female roster on one side and the divas on the other to having them all do the same thing. It doesn't necessarily mean they're great at it. Torrie's an example of that. Her strange lunging clotheslines were particularly bizarre, but it didn't make a lick of difference anyway. Miss Melina hooked Wilson's tights and scored herself a crooked victory. Vince McMahon's giant hair is walking around backstage. Looks like Big Mac is ready to meet Donald. Oh it's awn. It's super awn. It's crazy old rich white men awn. Before it gets awn, Edge has something on his mind. He catches up to the Ruthless Agressor and pleads his case. Look, Vin. Bobby Lashley is a jerk. He needs to be taught a lesson for putting his hands on you. How's this - ECW: Randy Orton vs. Bobby Lashley? The R Rated Superstar will even be in Orton's corner! How's that? Sound good? McMahon agrees. That's when things take a devious turn. Copeland expands the deal and gets the owner to agree that if The Legend Killer no-shows then he loses his spot in the Money in the Bank match. For some strange reason, VKM green lights the idea. Looks like Randall is going to get screwed on ECW! Hey, at least Sabu won't fell alone... Commercial Break. Snoop Dogg is a member of Raw's Fan Nation. Then again, he smokes a massive amount of pot, so it only makes sense. Next week is "WrestleMania Reversal Night." Get this…JBL vs. Shawn Michaels. Oh, not enough…Chris Benoit vs. John Cena. It looks like another good lineup out of the gate again. For the first time in years, I can honestly say that Raw has been good for a while. Vince McMahon's gigantic hair is here and the boss isn't in a great mood. Vinnie Mac stands next to the giant contract table in the ring and chastises his audience for booing him. Well, you won't be booing when Vince punks out Trump. Yeah. You see, The Donald is going to live to regret this contract signing. After some back and forth anti-"What" banter with the audience, Mr. McMahon gets back to the task at hand. This here is Daddy Mac's ring. He owns it. He made it. He sewed it! So to make sure that Stephanie's Dad comes out of WrestleMania with his pompadour in place, we bring you Umaga! Umaga is here and he's with Hey, is that your kid? Yes. Mr. Trump. I brought him to work with me backstage at WWE so he could meet some of his favorite… Sell him to me. Nine Million. What? You want to buy my… Take it or leave. Two seconds. Clock starts now. Goodbye, Timmy. Daddy loves you. Have fun with Donald Trump Donald Trump is here and he's apparently purchased Maria and Candice for the night. The divas accompany the "Profit," as J.R. calls him, to the party. Once Daddy Warbucks enters the ring, the crowd begins a "Donald" chant and Trump assumes it's for him since there's no ducks around. He begins: "First of all, Vince, your grapefruits are no match for my Trump Towers. You better hold your guy back, Vince, cause he's gonna have a hard time on April 1st, let me tell you right now. He's gonna have the hardest time he's ever had in the ring. And you know, Vince, When my man was last time in the ring with you, he did a big number on you Vince. You were scared. You were frightened. You didn't want to be in the ring with him. And I wanna introduce him now, Vince. There's nothing for you to say. I wanna introduce him. ECW World Champion Bobby Lashley, folks. My man!" (Bill Rancic Note: I thought I was your man. You hurt me, Donald. You hurt me deep.) Also, does Donald Trump own stock in the word "Vince?" "We love you, Bobby…Do we love Bobby? Do we love Bobby?" Uh…well. That's nice to hear, I guess. A little strange Vince McMahon asks the infatuated Trump to pay attention and get to the contract signing. He does. Vince is the second one to sign and does so while the audience screams in the background. Of course, Mr. McMahon can't just sign and not threaten. He tells his Don that this is the last contract he'll be signing with hair. The Reality Star disagrees and assures the chairman that Bobby "is gonna kick your guy's ass." Umaga screams, but doesn't attack. Instead Mac continues his tirade. He imitates cartoon razor sounds with a psychotic look in his face, while Trump sits expressionless. That's when they hit a funny snag. Vinnie Mac announces that 95% of all the celebrities polled want to see Trump shaved bald. He leaves out that it’s because 95% of them know who Donald Trump is and get "Vince McMahon" confused with "Ed McMahon." This is where Donald was supposed to say that he polled the crowd and had 95% vote for Vince to have his head shaved. Instead, though, Trump said that he conducted a new poll and 95% of "Hollywood celebrities" want to see Vince McMahon have his head shaved. It was weird because it was exactly what McMahon had just said, only the opposite. It was like a mind trick or something. To his credit, the Boss didn't miss a beat. Vin-Man told Trump that he may have the support of the audience (the group he meant to say in his Donald Poll), but "those people are idiots." "To me, they look like a very smart group of people." From this quote, they immediately go down to a shot of a guy chewing on an unlit cigarillo and clapping. I love it. Just as the segment appears to be on the verge of completion, the glass breaks. If you think Vince McMahon is going to win - give me a Hell Yeah. If you think Donald Trump is going to win - give me a Hell Yeah. 95% of the crowd wants to see Vince McMahon shaved bald. The other 95% want to see Donald Trump shaved bald. After the research is completed, Stone Cold introduces himself to The Donald as only he knows how. "My name is Stone Cold Steve Austin and you're standing in my ring. If you're standing in my ring, what I say goes. Do you understand that? You don't have to answer that because I hope you understand that. That's a good looking tie you got there. You doing OK? You look a little stiff. Glad to have you here. You know lately, Donald, I've been seeing you on a little TV show and all the only thing you got to say is telling people, You're Fired. Let me tell you something. You're not gonna tell Stone Cold Steve Austin he's fired because he don't work for you. Never gonna work for you. Do you understand what I'm saying? I think it's only fair that you give a man fair warning op I'm gonna break it down for you like this. Donald, in this ring, don't get under my skin. Don't rub me the wrong way. Don't ruffle my feathers. Basically, long story short, I'm telling you not to piss me off. Because if you do piss me off, I'll whoop your ass. Now look at me when I'm talking to you because I did my research on you. I don't give a rat's ass if you're worth a billion dollars. Two billion dollars. Three billion dollars. Four billion dollars. Five billion dollars. Six billion dollars. Seven billion dollars. Eight billion dollars. I'll open up an Eight Billion Dollar Can of Whoop Ass and serve it to you and that's all I got to say about that!" He not only didn't do that, but The Donald didn't laugh or even crack a smile. Who'd have thought that Donald Trump would be able to sell a wrestling segment, but Steve-o couldn't? Great stuff on a number of levels. Vince McMahon thought so, too. He was laughing. Stone Cold caught him. The Bionic Redneck got up in Vinnie's face and called him out for "goosing and giggling with that stupid smile on your face." He yells at the chairman for talking so much trash about bald people and asks him to explain his problem with the folically challenged. At this point, the camera zooms in past McMahon's face to Bobby Lashley. The chrome-domed ECW Champion stares a hole through the chairman and the crowd cheers. It was pretty funny, actually. The fact that the audience cheered showed how closely they were paying attention to what was being said. Stunning Steve puts the exclamation point on things. At Mania there will be a winner and a loser. One guy's getting shaved bald. And that's the bottom line because Referee Steve Austin says so! The Stone Cold anthem plays over the sound system and the guest referee takes his leave. Still in the ring, Vince McMahon tosses out one final threat to Donald. You're gonna be bald come RassleMania, pal. So there! "No Chance" rings out over the PA and the chairman walks out of the ring. We fade to… …oh wait. Not just yet. Billionaire Donald stops the promoter in his tracks. Trump has seen your Photoshop stupidity these last few weeks. Duh. Photoshop. How silly. Well, you want to edit pics of Trump as a baldie? Screw that. Look at the Titan Tron. The Apprentice Master has a pic for you. Up on the Titan Tron, we see a picture of Vince McMahon edited to make him bald. It's a shame that they didn't need a photoshopped picture of Vince McMahon and Triple H as Michelangelo's David. Anyway, this pushes The World Wrestling Insanity Coverboy to grow more irate than before. His blood pressure rising, Vinnie asks his Mania foe if he wants to battle tonight. Donald agrees and dismisses Bobby Lashley from the ring. Mac enters. We get a staredown and then a shove... Vince McMahon goes flying over the contract table. "The Donald Dance" plays over the audio system and the Billionaire takes his leave. Mr. McMahon is left in a pile of his own sadness as we fade to black. All in all…this was one of the best Raws in years. No doubt. The Donald Trump thing was terrific. While it's a celebrity-crossover guaranteed to get attention, some will say that Steve Austin is still the name being featured. Bobby Lashley is getting over big too. The spot in the contract signing when the camera zoomed in on his bald head got a genuine reaction from the crowd. It was a sign that they were hanging on every word being said and totally engrossed in the segment. That's something that's been lacking for a long time. Vince McMahon should have been doing cartwheels backstage after this segment. Creatively and from a publicity standpoint, it's been nothing short of amazing. This is the WWE that we all know. Finally…the Rock has come back to Raw. Well, sort of. The Great One on the Titan Tron drove people into a frenzy. He was at his best and seemed like a Brahma Bull Volcano ready to explode. Sure he can teach football to prisoners and hang out with Stiffler, but when was the last time he could say "Shriveled Up Monkey Penis" on TV? Only WWE can give you that, Duane. Come back. Join us. You're one of us. One of us! One of us! In all this, Shawn Michaels and John Cena found time to advance their conflict on air. If anything, they got more than enough time for that. With all these other big moments, you forget than on any other night a Gauntlet would be the main attraction. It's also a good reminder that the duo still have the tag team titles. If they decide to keep the belts on them until WrestleMania, it'll be an interesting hook. Tag Team Champions facing one another for the WWE Title. Sounds good. Melina got ring time. Randy Orton won a three way match that advanced the Carlito-Flair storyline. All this and a Masterlock Challenge. Wow. What happened to Raw? Remember when Mondays used to suck? WWE gets a ton of complaints tossed their way when it's deserved, but they should get a ton of praise when they deserve it too. Right now, they deserve praise. The show they presented tonight was unlike any we've seen in ages and a reminder of what this company can do when they have direction. Hopefully this is the start of a new era and not just a momentary escape from the everyday while we ride the road to WrestleMania. Don't forget that tomorrow on ClubWWI.com, we’ll have an all new edition of "Smack Talk" hosted by former WWE Women's Champion Lisa "Ivory" Moretti. Lisa. is just one of the four in our Insanity Army (or as D-Lo Brown calls it "The Nation of Insanity.) You can check out free clips from all the new audio shows - Club OJ with Orlando Jordan, Smack Talk with Lisa "Ivory" Moretti, Kevin Kelly's "Big Picture," and "The Lo-Down" With D-Lo Brown by going to main free page at ClubWWI.com and clicking on the flash player at the top of the page. For more information on any of the show, simply click the appropriate banner at the bottom of the page. Also on the free main page of the Club, you can hear clips from Jerry Lawler's 62 minute uncut interview, Kevin Nash's uncut 47 minute shoot, and Diamond Dallas Page's 80 minute interview. They're just three of over 60 interviews currently available on the Club featuring everyone from Samoa Joe to Koko B. Ware. For a complete list, go to ClubWWI.com and scroll down. For a listen to what you can expect to hear from the Club, you can check out this week's edition of JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Jerry The King Lawler. This week's 60 minute show is available both in MP3 download or flash player. We present a new free interview each weekend here on World Wrestling Insanity, with uncut versions available earlier in the week on ClubWWI.com. There's plenty more coming too. Remember, :Lisa Moretti will be at the Club tomorrow and we'll have a new uncut interview with a new Radio Free Insanity guest in the next few days. Keep an eye out on the site for more details.
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| © 2005-2007 All content contained here Copyright 2006 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
