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JG's 4/2 Raw Insanity: Hardys Win Tag Gold, Lashley Strips Lillian, and Bald Vince Has a Camera Up His Nose

By James Guttman
Apr 3, 2007, 02:24


Monday Morning...NBC's Today Show...

Matt Lauer: Welcome back everyone to Today. It's 9:00 on the East Coast and we're about to be joined by two men that dropkicked and body slammed their way into your homes last night. Fresh from WrestleMania, welcome Donald Trump and, now bald, Vince McMahon.

Donald Trump: Thanks, Matt. Good to be here.

Vince McMahon: Yes. Thank you for having us.

Matt Lauer: So, Mr. McMahon, tell us a bit about what it's like to be bald.

Vince: I'd think you'd already know about that, Matt.

Matt: Up yours.

Donald: Oh no, Vince. You offended him, Vince. Vince, why did you do that?

Vince: I don't care who I piss off, Donald. You know me. I'm hawwwwd. In fact, rather than tellin' Mr. Katie Couric over here about being bald, I figured we'd sing about it. You down?

Donald: Like a clown about to drown on a Merry-Go-Round, son.

Vince: Aight. Dunn, give me some snare in my headphones. I'm ready to turn this mutha out. Let's do it.

Let's get this party started

Sung to the Tune of "Hi, My Name Is" by Eminem

Follow along with the original song and lyrics by clicking here (Not Safe For Work)

Vince: Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [scratches] Bald Vinnie
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [scratches] Bald Vinnie

Ahem.. excuse me!
Can I have the attention of the crowd… for one second?

Trump: Hi kids! Do you like Bobby? (Yeah yeah yeah!)
Wanna see me hug and kiss him in a Detroit hotel lobby? (Uh-huh!)
Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did? (Yeah yeah!)
Attack Rosie and tell the world how disgusting she is? (Huh?)
My hair looks great, but I'm trying to get my head straight
Tune into the Apprentice to see which wannabe I terminate (Ummmm..)

Vince: And Stone Cold said, "Vince McMahon you a baldhead!"
"Eh Eh!" He laughed at me and then Donald Trump got assualted
Well since age forty, I've felt overly horny
But bald is beautiful so now the ladies will adore me
Got pissed off and ripped Tara Connor's crown off
And smacked her so hard she thought she was Jim Ross
I confiscated RVD's grass and knocked him on his ass
Then pissed off Batista by putting Cena on last
You win, John! (Vinnie, wait a minute, the crowd's mad, dog!)
I don't give a poop, God sent me to piss the marks off!

Vince: Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [scratches] Bald Vinnie
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [scratches] Bald Vinnie

Vince: Bob Costas tried to embarrass me in '01
I made him my Belzer and in the end, I won
I got in his face and was irate, told him it was too late
And treated him like I was Vader in Kuwait(Owwwwwwww!)

Trump: Walked in the arena, had my hair done up
Did a skit with the Boogeyman, then ate some worms and threw up

Vince: DVD extras to sell to the pedestrians
Next year - Orlando while TNA screams: "DON'T TAKE OUR FANS!"
Ninety-nine percent of the net is a lie too
I just read that we're bringing back Captain Lou (Nope)

Trump: I told Bobby I'd train up to be a famous performer
Told him to help me get big and he asked if I was a government informer.

Vince: Michaels vs. Cena got delayed when some moron jumped from the stands
And try to touch John's hand like some eight year old Chain Gang fans (Word Life!)
This guy at the arena asked for my autograph
(Mac, can I get your autograph?)
So I signed it: 'Dear Kurt, hope you drank that coffee, A**HOLE!'

Vince: Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [scratches] Bald Vinnie
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [scratches] Bald Vinnie

Vince: Stop the match! Edge needs to be stretchered away! (Giggidy!)
Jeff Hardy, what the hell?! That ladder cost your month's pay

Trump: I'm all ready to leave, with my trench coat and pink tie

Vince: You can always return.  Maybe the Bash in July?

Trump: No.

Vince: When should Hunter return? I can barely decide…

RVD: I just found where you hid my weed -- dare me to drive?

Carlito: Pretty good show, but the fans were deprived
I watched from the back, ate apples, and tried not to cry (SPIT!)

Drowning my sorrow in applejuice

Vince: So Mania was good, even without The Hulk

Matt Hardy: Fans hate when I talk.

Great Khali: I'ah pin anyfeeng tha' walks (YAH!)

Shane McMahon: When I was little I used to dream about being champ like Donald Trump.
When you gonna repush me, Dad?

Donald: I was awake last night as I laid in my bed
Put a Lashley shirt on and wished that Rosie was dead. (BANG!)

Carlito: I'm steaming mad (Arrrggghhh!)
And by the way when you see my dad? (Yeah?)
Tell him I beat 50 guys in a dark match I had.

Vince: Hi! My name is.. (what?) My name is.. (who?)
My name is.. [scratches] Bald Vinnie
Hi! My name is.. (huh?) My name is.. (what?)
My name is.. [scratches] Bald Vinnie Members, Check Out -

JG’s 4/2 Raw Insanity Extra:

JG's 23 Things I Realized During WrestleMania 23

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Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the Grandsonny of Them All, Monday Night Raw. We're following up RassleMania with a show that's guaranteed to knock your socks on your butt. So saddle up and get ready for Jerry "The King" Lawler, Jim Ross, and all the fallout from last night's super card. We're not gonna make you wait any longer. Let's bring out the man you came to see…John Cena! (Vince McMahon Note: Wait. Why are you booing? You came to see him. Didn't you? Didn't you?! You wanna get pinched? Huh?! Do ya?! Yeah. That's what I thought. Now go put on your Chain Gang shirt, camouflage shorts, and shut the hell up.)

John Cena's in the house and, yes, The Champ is still here. And also, yes, he's still not the most popular belle at the ball. The Marine seems surprised by his mostly-negative reaction, but continues on anyway. He stands still for a moment and absorbs the chorus of boos. He answers by raising his title in the air, which gets a few cheers mixed in with all the hatred. Unfortunately for him, I think they were cheering for the title belt. People like the title belt. They just don't like him, it seems.

"The Champ - is - here."
- John Cena

Know who else is here? Shawn Michaels. Yup. DeGeneration X's own HBK is here and he's wearing his favorite accessory - an oversized forehead bandage. Kid Heartbreak strolls to the ring and, with a microphone in his hand, prepares to address his tag partner.

"The Champ is here. And so he is. Oh, this is like reliving a bad dream. Well, Champ, this is usually the time, the day after WrestleMania, where I come out here, talk about the awesome match we had, and how once again the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels - the Showstopper- and his opponent made history. You see, John, about our match…Our match it wasn't about screw jobs. It wasn't about mind games. It wasn't about massive egos, 'brother.' It wasn't about who got cheered and who got booed. And it sure as heck wasn't about a handshake to show good sportsmanship. No. It was a match about winning and losing. You won and I lost…and I don't like it. I am sick and tired of having to come out here, look guys in the eye, extend my hand to them, and lie to myself and tell them they were the better man. That ends tonight! Not again. John Cena, you may have won last night, but you are not the better man."
- Shawn Michaels

Bam. Take that, Rappy. Not a bad promo by Shawn. The crowd didn't go wild or anything.  It wasn't crazy booking like John got, but nothing overly welcoming. They didn't pop for the Hulk Hogan "brother" dig either. I know that it gets over with some people, but considering that fans continue to cheer Hogan out of the building every time he shows up, I'd say that the live crowd might not be in agreement with Michaels on this one. After tearing down his tag partner, The Boy Toy awaits a response. Cena pauses and lets him know that while he can accept some anger, he can't accept having his manhood questioned. Tell you what, Ben Franklin, the Doctor of Thuganomics will take you on any place and anywhere. This sounds good to the DX Member. Any place? How about here? Any time? How about now? Put up your hands. It's knuckle junction time.

This brings out "Mr. Buzzkill" John Coachman. Coach exists for two reasons.

1. He can be the authority figure made to look ridiculous on free TV so Vince McMahon can save his ridiculous things for pay-per-view.

2. He stops any match that's about to happen that the crowd might want to see.

Tonight, he's doing the second. Coachman has an announcement "as per Mr. McMahon." No WWE Title match tonight. Know why? You have tag titles, dopes! (JG Note: You know, like Whatshisname and Whoshisface on Smackdown.) So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna put those straps on the line tonight. Yeah. Who are you fighting? Well, there's a twist to that. You're not facing one Raw tag team. You're facing…nine other teams from all over the company in a Ten Team Battle Royal.

Oh, and that match begins….ummmmmmmmmmmm, now.

1. Shaw Michaels and John Cena won a Tag Team Title Battle Royal over Dyskstra/Masters, Cryme Tyme, Eugene/Duggan, The Highlanders, Deuce/Domino, Striker/Burke, RVD/Sabu, and Finlay/Booker.

This was incredibly pointless. Unless WWE is planning to recombine the rosters, then this was just a throwaway. Making matters worse is that Booker T and Fit Finlay were in the Money in the Bank match last night. I get that they needed Cena, Michaels, and The Hardys to wrestle tonight, but they could have kept Book and Finlay off the show. So much for the "grueling" ladder match. Finny and King Bookah seemed A-OK to me. In fact, everyone seems A-OK. I know that it's not the early 80s and we can't check guys into pretend hospital rooms after every match, but this is just insane. It was a waste on so many levels. First, there were nonsensical teams. It made no sense to put Eugene with Jim Duggan without an explanation. Also, no one addressed why the ECW New Breed or ECW Originals wanted the Raw tag titles. Add to this that there were so many stars that shouldn't have debuted on WWE's flagship show to such little fanfare. A guy like Elijah Burke or even the Deuce/Domino team should be kept away from the stars of the other brands so that it means more when they eventually square off. To just throw them into a meaningless group battle royal didn't make much sense.

1. Kenny Dykstra (and Chris Masters, who's Kenny's tag partner for some reason) by Rob Van Dam.
2. JTG (and Shad) by Deuce
3. Eugene (and Hacksaw Jim Duggan, his partner…who I thought he turned on months ago by trying to kill with a piece of wood) by Booker T.
4. Highlander Rory (and Robbie) by Deuce
5. Domino and Deuce by John Cena
6. Matt Striker (and Elijah Burke) by Fit Finlay
7. Rob Van Dam (and Sabu) by Booker
8. Finlay (and King Booker) by Michaels

Winners: Shawn Michaels and John Cena.

I only saw 8 teams. Mallory said that Miz and Nitro were in it too during her real time recap, but they might have been invisible. Either that or I've just learned to subconsciously block Mike Mizanin from my mind. Either way, good news. The tag team battle royal is over. No more weirdly paired duos. No more wasted Raw debuts. It's all over.

With that, John Coachman comes out and declares another ten team battle royal. I kid you not. Unless the Beverly Brothers are in the second one, I'm not into this thing at all.

2. The Hardy Boys won the World Tag Team Titles in a Battle Royal win over Cena/Michaels, Kendrick/London, Cade/Murdoch, Miz/Nitro, Sandman/Dreamer, Cor Von/Thorn, Helms/Chavo, Val/Vis and Taylor/Regal

This is completely whacked. Kendrick and London are in this one. Also, Miz and Nitro are here. I guess I didn't block him out. But getting back to Paul and Brian, how ridiculous is it to have the Smackdown tag champions in a battle royal for the Raw tag titles and not make a huge deal out of it? They were just like any old tag team. Also, wasn't Val Venis Viscera's partner two partners ago? Wasn't he just with Charlie Haas? Charlie goes back to Shelton Benjamin and Vis comes back to Val? Poor Venis. Another throwaway Raw debut here too as Marcus Cor Von made his first appearance and no one seemed to notice. In a funny moment, Lawler called William Regal "Steve Regal." J.R. quickly shot back, "That's William Regal to you." In an ironic moment, Ross says that Tommy Dreamer told him that he waited "17 years to be in WrestleMania." As soon as he said it, Trevor Murdoch tossed Tommy out of the ring with a thud. The highlight of the match was when HBK turned to Cena and gave him the two-fingers-to-the-eyes "I'm keeping' an eye on you" gesture. As soon as he did, John turned around and Shawn tossed him out, ensuring that his tag title reign would be over. The Doctor of Thuganomics protested, but the grinning Boy Toy just walked away and said that he had only one goal - the WWE Title. Good spot. Can't understand why they couldn’t just do that during the first battle royal. This one had a bit of a false finish. It looked like they were trying to set up a spot where the Hardys eliminated both Cade and Murdoch at the same time. It didn't look like it was going well and Trevor seemed to abandon it when Lance fell on the apron. He climbed the turnbuckle and Jeffery ran over and kicked Cade from the apron to the floor. The crowd realized that this meant the Hardys had won. They cheered, but Matt started screaming and it all continued. The Charismatic Enigma ran across the ring and dropkicked Larry The Heat Guy from the top rope to the floor. Now the bell rang…even though the match had really ended a few seconds earlier. Meh. No matter. In the end, Matt and Jeff Hardy became the new tag team champions. Jeff didn't have to hurl himself off of a building in order to win them either, which is a nice change of pace.

1. Val Venis (and Viscera) by everyone
2. William Regal (and Dave Taylor) by Tommy Dreamer
3. Tommy Dreamer (and Sandman) by Trevor Murdoch
4. Kevin Thorne and Marcus Cor Von during a commercial break. (What a great debut. I had to rewind the show just to see why I only had nine teams listed in this rundown.)
5. Johnny Nitro (and The Miz…because I guess they needed another "M") by Shawn Michaels
6. John Cena (and Shawn Michaels) by Shawn Michaels.
7 & 8. Chavo Guerrero (and, uh, Greg Helms) and Brian Kendrick (and Paul London) by each other
9. Cade and Murdoch by Matt and Jeff Hardy

Winners: New Tag Team champions The Hardy Boys

The crowd gave the new tag champions a nice response and the two whacky North Carolina kids with their carpenters pants hold the tag straps high for all to see.

Commercial Break.

Jim Ross seems to be losing his voice at a rapid rate. He sends out the obligatory "thank you" to all the fans of WrestleMania. Jerry Lawler then jumps in and thanks the people who made the WrestleMania theme song - Saliva. He's on his best behavior and doesn't talk about the sick things one could do with saliva.

In the crowd - Timbaland. I used to have a pair of his boots.

Backstage, Shawn Michaels is soaking wet. (JG Note: Triple H must have convinced him to do that shower-with-your-clothes-on-and-then-do-a-promo thing.) He's standing by with Todd Grisham and has all the answers he might need. He tossed Cena out of that ring for one reason. He didn't want to muddy the waters with tag team nonsense. HBK is here for one reason - the WWE Title. Guess what, Shawn? Randy Orton's here too for one reason - to interrupt you. Shut your face, Rockerboy. You had your chance and you blew it. Now John's giving you a rematch. Know why? Cause he can pin you. He won't give one to Randy, though. Again - know why? Because he can't beat Orton. So chew on that. Michaels shoots back that the Legend Killer isn't a better man than him. Mr. RKO tells him, "We'll just have to wait and see. Now won't we?" Yes. Yes we will, Randy.

Jim Ross is falling apart. His voice is so gravely that he sounds like he's doing a Jay Lethal impression. Lawler is there to catch his partner when he falls, though. The King sends us to a WrestleMania 23 video package. It's just like WrestleMania only shorter.

We go to the Leather Couch Room, where Vince McMahon is taking the weird camera angle thing to another level. After last night's baby-cam, we now get the Vince McCam. That's right. A camera angle from P.O.V. of Vinnie Mac, complete with head shaking. The Mac Cam follows Coachman down the hallway and stops to chat with some people.

First up is Candice and Maria. Vince asks them if they can help them out with something. They agree and he unzips his pants removes his wig. Both girls apparently don't go to because they seem to be a bit put off by it. We don't get to see it because, as I mentioned, we're sitting on the tip of McMahon's nose. The chairman walks on…

…straight into Cryme Tyme, who have had more TV time in the last two days than they've had in the last two months, and Eugene. Muta McAllister can't seem to stop laughing when the McCam approaches. The bald boss walks on…

…into Ron Simmons. He stops him from saying the catchphrase twice, but finally the Acolyte can hold it in no longer.

- Ron Simmons

I love Ron Simmons. I love him for one simple reason. If anyone else in the world had a gimmick where they said the same thing each time they were on screen and nothing else, I'd have been sick of it in three weeks. I'm still into "Damn" though.

As Vinnie Mac walks on, we see a shot of Viscera and Val Venis laughing at him. The owner grumbles at the Coach and promises to take his anger out on the audience. We go from his nose to ringside…Mr. McMahon is next!

Commercial Break. Snoop Dogg watches Raw. Of course he does. He smokes massive amounts of pot. He could probably do Spongebob commercials too.

Lillian Garcia announces Vince McMahon and the No Chance In Hell Anthem rings out. Sporting a fedora over his bald head, Mr. McMahon struts his way up the ramp. The chairman takes the microphone from Lil and addresses the audience.

"I expect most of you people think I'm going to come out here and eat a big slice of humble pie! I suppose all you people like the fact that I'm a bald billionaire! You find humor in the misfortunes of others. Let me just say this. April 1, 2007 will go down in the history books as a day - a day of infamy. A day in which a tragedy of justice was perpetuated against me. And the perpetrator of that injustice was a beer-swilling, loudmouth ,soon to be action movie star, guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin! Had it not been for Austin, Donald Trump, as we speak, would have no hair!"
- Vince McMahon

You suck, Bobby. It was all Steve, Sucko. Not you. Also, shouldn't Vince be mad at Umaga? Didn't he lose? Oh, and while I'm picking things apart, when did "soon-to-be action movie star" become an insult? (JG Note: It's like saying, "I'm gonna kick your stupid, ugly, no-good, wonderfully groomed, ass!")

The fans "What" it up and tell the boss that he sucks. Mac pushes on. In fact - get this - There's no more WrestleMania 23. Yeah. Vinnie Mac owns the record books. He's wiping Mania out of it! He even makes Lillian Garcia repeat after him that winner of the Billionaire Battle is "Vincent Kennedy McMahon."

Once that piece of business is out of the way, VKM addresses another. Bobby Lashley, you can't lose your hair. You have none. You can lose your ECW Title, though. Yeah. How about if you lose it tonight? Sound good? Right here…against Umaga! Booyah, Bobbo.

The fans respond to the announcement that their new hero, Bobby Lashley, will defend his title by chanting, "We Want Austin." Doubt that was the plan here. McMahon says that he doesn't want to see Steve here. Vince knows why you're all here tonight!  You want to Stone Cold Vince with no hair! People all over the world want to see his shiny tiny scalp. Nah ah! Ain't gonna happen. See this hat on the chairman's head? He had it surgically placed there. Yes. A hat transplant. His doctor, who obviously has a crazy man-crush on him, told the boss that his hair would grow back because he has "more testosterone than an all-male prison." So, sorry to disappoint all of you who didn't see Mania or the Today show), Bald Vinnie isn't going to show you anymore. Sorry to let you down, but you should be used to it by now. You bought tickets to Raw. With that, Mr. Hat Head starts to leave the ring.

Yo. I ain't going out there. They're chanting "We Want Austin."

No, Bobby. They're chanting "Boo-urns."

What the hell is Boo-urns?

You never saw that Simpsons? Mr. Burns was getting booed and Smithers told him they were…

No. I never saw that Simpsons.

Oh. OK. Anyway, I was just trying to lighten to mood. To be blunt, we don't care if they're chanting "We're Gonna Kill Bobby," get your ass out there.

Lashley is in the house and he's got his ECW title around his waist. The fans don't greet him with open arms, but that doesn't matter. Bobby finds his way into their hearts. How? Well, the best way to a fan's heart is through Vince McMahon's head.

Bob pulls the surgery hat from the chairman's noggin and reveals his teeny, tiny, bald head. Jerry Lawler points out that Vinnie has a point on his head and, when you look at it, he kinda does. McMahon went into a rage over his exposed dome. He runs around the ringside area and uses everything from J.R.'s hat to Lillian's skirt to hide his baldness. Lashley chases him around and takes each covering off. In the case of Lil, he actually tears the skirt right off of her. I've never heard Lawler laugh so hard at anything. Embarrassed, the Bald MBillionaire scurries away while the ECW Champion poses for the crowd.

Commercial Break. Hillary Swank stars in "The Reaping." I still haven't forgiven her for The Next Karate Kid.

3. Carlito and Ric Flair defeated the World's Greatest Tag Team when Flair forced Haas to submit

Oh goodie. More tag teams. Is this some record? Officially, we've had 21 on the show. This match also saw the real descent of J.R.'s voice. It sounded more and more strained as the night went on. Jerry Lawler mentions that Carlito's dad is Carlos Colon, which surprised me. The story with Carly is that he had no passion until Ric showed up and became his Mr. Myagi. Once Afro Joe learned to wax on and wax off with the Dirtiest Player in the Game, it was a whole new world for him. The crowd was pretty quiet for most of this one, but when the Nature Boy made Charlie Haas, the first guest on JG's Radio Free Insanity, (show archived on ) tap to the Figure Four, they cheered pretty loudly. Whooo! Yeah. Whoooo is cool.

Recap of the WWE Hall of Fame. I really enjoyed the show this year actually. I watched the clips on and the show on USA Network. The speeches were all great and they really did a classy job with the entire event.

Up Next: Melina Photo Op. Yeah. This show has been pretty lame so far. Doesn't look like it's getting much better either.

Commercial Break. "Hot Fuzz" is a film about a great cop with a bumbling partner. Or, as Shawn Michaels calls it, "The Rockers."

Todd Grisham is at ringside with Timbaland. Tim isn't here to be Timbaland here tonight. He's here as a fan. He then rambles on insanely and says:

"I came here to see the Nature Boy because I am Ricky Bobby. Ha ha ha ha. I just came here to have fun and see the main event. How many…are you all wrestling fans like me? I mean, I don't just do music. I do wrestle too. I told him I was gonna slam him later on tonight. In the ring. What you gotta say?"

I swear. If the show wasn't an hour and a half old, presumably forcing Timbaland to stay in the building, I'd swear he was stoned. This was nuts. Poor Todd had to make heads and tales out of all this and responded by hyping the new album, Shock Value, and the WWE influence in the video for the first single.

Here is what Todd said: "Well, I understand have a new album coming out tomorrow called Shock Value. It's huge. It's big. And also, you have your latest single coming out. It's called Throw It On Me and you have a huge WWE influence on this video, correct?"

Here is what Todd wanted to say: "What the f**k are you talking about? You're gonna slam me in the ring? Who the hell told you to say that? Also, why the f**k would you ask an arena full of wrestling fans if they're wrestling fans? Holy God, you're a dipstick! You're here to talk about this album and the video. How much time you think we have here, you bastard?!"

Luckily Evil Grish stays inside and Happy Grish does the interview. He asks Timmy who will be the Diva to appear in his video. He hasn't decided yet, but he's thinking Ashley. Yeah. Nudie Magazine Girl is the frontrunner. Grisham does one more hard sell and tells fans of all music to pick up the album. Timber says it's great music "just like great wrestling." Todd repeats back what he said, only accidentally says "Lesling." (JG Note: The announcers must have been trained pretty hard to not say the "w" word.) From there, we go to Melina and her Photo Op…on TV. I don’t get this at all.

The Women's Champion is in the house and she has her paparazzi by her side. Melina stands in the ring and takes some shots before taking a microphone. She tells Timbalund that she's looking forward to starring in his new music video because if it's starring her, then it's going to be awesome.  While Mel hasn't been in Playboy, she's the Women's champion. Lina decides to take a few more photos from the Paparazzi before being attacked by…

Mickie James.

Yeah. Guess that Ashley as a wrestler game ended pretty quick, huh? Mickie goes to town on the Women's Champion and leaves her laying on the mat after a DDT.

Still to come: Donald's friend vs. 1 ½ Minute Warning.

Commercial Break. Mick Foley does an ad for the Make a Wish Foundation. He says that next week on Raw, a special wish will be granted. I'm guessing that means they're going to let Val Venis win a match.

4. Great Khali squashed Super Crazy after the Tree Slam

Yeah. Come on. What were you expecting to read here? Super Crazy hit a power bomb. Yeah. He hit a power…no he didn't. Come on. He didn't do anything but get beat up and like it.

Vince McMahon is wearing a backwards cap now and he's going buck in the Leather Couch Room. Greasy Armando Estrada tried to calm the boss down, but has the opposite effect. VKM pulls a cigar from the manager's pocket and snaps it in two. You want to know where things are going tonight? You're about to find out. Tonight, Lalo, you will team with Umaga against Lashley in a handicap match! Yeah. Great. Just to make sure Estrada knows he's for real, the chairman slams him into the wall for good measure.

Commercial Break. So, uh, are those weird Skittles commercials supposed to make me want to eat Skittles or think I'm tripping.

Maria is in the Event Center with WWE Tag Team Champions The Hardy Boys. Jeff says that he and his brother are six time tag team champions. Matt replies that he's very happy. While this wasn't the best promo of all time, it was better than what these guys have done in the past.

Back at the announce table, we join Jim Ross, who's voice is so far gone that he sounds like Michael Hayes gargling with hydrochloric acid at this point, and Jerry Lawler. The King and The Cowboy are stoked over Stone Cold Steve Austin's new film - The Condemned.

The Condemned Video Package: Star of the Marine, John Cena, applauds the film. Not sure how much of an endorsement that is. Triple H is sure that the Steve line, "Game on," was meant for him. Man, I can't wait for this guy to return. Things are too happy around here.

There you go, Mr. Copeland. Your lasic eye surgery is done. How do you feel?

On this day, I see clearly.

Great. The bill is $2000. Should I send it to your home?

You think you know me.

I do know you. I just did surgery on you. The fee is $2000.

Uh…gotta go…bye!

Edge is here and he's wearing his army surplus store jacket. The R Rated Superstar reminds us of his Money in the Bank woes last night. He suffered a terrible fate at the hands of Jeff Hardy's weird highspot. If not for that, Adam Copeland would be your MITB holder. Alas, he's not. Now let's see if Mr. Lita has this whole thing straight. Shawn Michaels was all up in here earlier demanding a title shot? Not only that, but he got it? What the frig? The Edgecutioner don't play that.  Speaking of playing, Ed's former tag partner, Randy Orton, thinks he has it all figured out. He thinks he can stand in the way of Adam in his quest to be Champ again? Nah ah. You see, while all these other punk-ass punk asses use cutesy little names like "Legend Killer, Showstopper," and all the rest, Copelandsays he has but one moniker…"The Best."

…well, that and "R Rated Superstar," but that doesn't exactly jive with the point of the promo, so we'll forget about that.

With that, the See Clearly song plays over the sound system and "The Best" gives us all an evil look.

Up next: Jamala vs. Lindsay

Commercial Break. Between Skittles and Starburst ads, I feel like I'm completely out of touch with the candy audience.

Next week: Mick Foley grants a wish to someone. Then, Shawn Michaels faces off against Randy Orton.

5. ECW Champion Bobby Lashley defeated Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada when he pinned Estrada

Jim Ross was done for this match, leaving Jerry Lawler to do Joey Styles duty. All on his lonesome, the King called each move and did a pretty good job in the process. You have to respect Jerry considering that he was forced to call a match that wasn't exactly…uh, good. I mean, it wasn't abnormally terrible. It was just Lashley vs. Umaga and Estrada. The worst part of the whole thing was that when Bob did finally come back and land offense, the crowd didn't cheer at all. It wasn't X-Pac/John Cena booing or anything like that. In fact, had it been that, it would have been better. At least it would have been loud. Instead it was that moderate murmur with scattered boos thing. The match suffered for it and you honestly felt that even if Lash was to suddenly turn into the reincarnation of Lou Thesz, no one would pop. Things moved slowly and the theme was that Bobby kept kicking out of consistent pin attempts. Unfortunately, with such a bored (and growing more hostile as the match went on) crowd, the dramatic parts of it all were gone. The only time the fans seemed to care was towards the end when the Extremist started to make his final comeback. He pounded Estrada and knocked Maga from the ring. With his Mania opponent out of commission, Big Bob hit Armando with his power slam and scored the 1,2,3. The ECW Title stays put.  The fans aren't overly thrilled either way.

Wow. I don't think WWE should be worrying their pants off about Lashley's spot just yet, but…uh, that wasn't a good sign. I mean, they already have one Cena. How many projects do you need to have at once? Why not just push someone that's already getting cheered? No muss. No fuss.

Mussy Fussy Bobby poses up on the ramp as Jerry Lawler closes the show out for his mute broadcast partner. We then fade to black.

All in all…Uh. Blah.

This was a bad Raw to follow WrestleMania with. There was nothing special about it and, if anything, seemed like a letdown following everything we saw last night.

Vince McMahon's bald head was the only real thing that made this a must-see show. It was something fans saw last night and again on Vince even acknowledged that during his speech. They had Lashley as the man responsible for showing Mac's bald head to the world. Hell, they even had him strip Lillian Garcia's clothes off. After all that, people still weren't cheering him. It's just not good.

I get that the live crowds during Mania time tend to skew more towards the cynical. I understand that. The case can be made that they boo most of the wrestlers. The trick is to pay attention to the ones they boo hard. Those people are John Cena and Bobby Lashley. Unfortunately, both guys are World Champion babyfaces. It's pretty weird and a growing problem with their top good guys. When you're struggling to get them over as heroes, maybe a switch could work. Maybe a switch against each other. Have one guy turn and the other guy face him. Force the fans to choose. Hopefully, they boo the bad one and all is right in the world. If not - whatever. At least they'll be booing a baby face and a bad guy.

The tag team thing was so insanely stupid that it blows my mind. I complained about it during the show, but it almost goes without saying that the thing was counterproductive in a ton of ways.

You had partnerships that made no sense. - MNM (Melina, Nitro, and Miz? Ugh), Eugene and Duggan (Despite turning on Duggan months ago), and Chavo/Helms.

You had people/teams appearing on Raw for the first, or one of the first times, but not getting any real exposure because they're surrounded by 18 other guys. - Deuce and Domino, Marcus Cor Von, Elijah Burke, Kevin Thorne, Sandman, and others.

You had ECW's New Breed going for the Raw Tag Titles. Twice.

You had the Smackdown Tag Champ going for the Raw Tag Titles…and no one seemed to care.

Also, the spot that it all was built around - where Michaels turns on Cena - could have been done in Battle Royal #1.

Hell, don't even have a Battle Royal. Have the Hardys come out to face John and Shawn in a straight-up tag match. Have Shawn turn there. People would have reacted harder for this as a two-on-two match than as a big sloppy clusterfudge battle royal.

If the argument is that they needed to fill time, it doesn't hold water, I mean, it's not like they had a lack of talent in the arena. They had 38 people in the first two matches. They could have put together any combination of matchups to make up for the time lost from not having two pointless battle royals.

What else? Umaga-Lashley? Ouch. When I first brought up this idea to Orlando Jordan on his Audio Show "Club OJ", he said that it wouldn't be a good match. I gloated when it was added to Mania. Now…I realize that Orlando was right. Not a fun match at all…

Not a fun night at all. This was a letdown. Plain and simple. I hope it's just a one-week cool down period and not the start of non-WrestleMania -selling TV. I wish I could have watched a tape of last week's Raw tonight instead.

That's it for me, guys.  Be sure to check out the new uncut interview with "The Former A-Train" Giant Bernard on  Also, stay tuned for another edition of one of our Superstar-Hosted Audio Shows and a new uncut interview.

Be Well.  Thanks for sharing the Insanity!

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