Canadian Bulldog's Breaking News: Flair Suffers Breakdown; No One Knows Difference
By Canadian Bulldog
Above: Flair (seen here in a WWI News file photo) has had better days.
By Canadian Bulldog, World Wrestling Insanity News
(Charlotte, NC) - Ric Flair suffered an emotional breakdown this week following a World Wrestling Entertainment live event, but no one noticed any outward difference in the sixteen-time world champion.
Following an inexplicable clean pinfall loss to Victoria in his adopted home town, Flair returned to the locker room to take a shower. When the "Nature Boy" re-emerged, he began a vicious tirade that, observers say, was quite similar to his typical promos.
"YOU!" Flair shouted in the general direction of journeyman grappler Val Venis. "Do you honestly think YOU have what it takes to get to the top of the mountain? The cream - WOOOO! - always rises to the top, punk."
Before Venis - who later said he had no aspirations of getting to the top of mountain - could respond, Flair took off all his clothes and headbutted his towel. And while stripping down in a locker room might not seem so unusual, he had just changed into a three-piece Armani suit before doing so.
"Gorilla - WOOOO! - by gawd, Monsoon - it takes a lot to set 'Slick Ric' off, but when you mess with one of the Horsemen - WOOOO! - you mess with all of us," Flair said, strutting up and down the length of the room.
He then attempted to tie up his pants in a figure-four leglock.
"Great promo, champ!" exclaimed Shawn Michaels, patting Flair on his back before leaving the locker room, none the wiser that his friend was experiencing a form of panic attack.
Nor were any of Flair's brethren the least bit concerned when "The Dirtiest Player In The Game" procured a baseball bat and began repeatedly striking the men's room urinals.
"NOBODY takes this job away from The Nature Boy!" Flair screamed, his face beet-red and covered in sweat. "FIRE ME? I'M ALREADY FIRED! MAKE ME QUIT? I'VE ALREADY QUIT! WOOOOOOOO!"
Even WWE employee Dusty Rhodes, whose relationship with Flair spans more than three decades, didn't bat an eye when his contemporary lay naked in the corner of the locker room, begging for mercy from an opponent who wasn't there.
"You still got the magic touch, daddy," said Rhodes. "Wait - did you just blade? The cameras are turned off now, baby."
From there, Flair took a running start and executed his patented "Flair Flip" over top of a toilet stall, before stumbling out, taking a few steps, and flopping head-first onto the ground.
"WOOOOOOO!" cried a semi-conscious Flair, his hair now red with blood.
According to noted wrestling psychologist Dr. Sidney M. Basil (hey, it was either him or the guy who taught George "The Animal" Steele to say "How Now Brown Cow"), Flair seems to be feeling the effects of still competing in a business where he once reigned supreme.
"This eez a very normal thing for Mister Flair to be going through at his age," Dr. Basil told World Wrestling Insanity News. "He believes that, to be ze man, you have to beat ze man."
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Canadian Bulldog's Transcript of Ric Flair's Breakdown
Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and Online Onslaught and has published his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers. See his obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG for more details. He welcomes your comments at CanadianBulldog@worldwrestlinginsanity.com
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