JG's 4/9 Raw Insanity: A Little Kid Outbooks Coachman, Shane McMahon vs. Someone Who Could Eat Him In Real Life, and Carlito Doesn't Win Much Anymore
By James Guttman
It's another installment of...Rasslin' Comics:
THE FAR SIDE
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Pack it up, pack it in. It's time to begin. J.R. came to win and the King came to sin. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are goofy as two pet coons over tonight's edition of Monday Night Raw. Gear up because there's some decisions that need making tonight. When Randy Orton steps into the ring with Shawn Michaels, we'll determine the number one contender to John Cena's title. Will it be the Legend Killer of the Heartbreak Kid going on to face Cena? Speaking of the Champion, Johnny Boy will be the special guest on Edge's "Cutting Me" talk show. What will the R-Rated Superstar do to get under the skin of the Marine? Only one way to find out. Let's do this…
The Money music plays out and that can only mean one thing. Shane McMahon is getting this party started. Jim Ross makes sure to keep all the smart marks like you - yeah you - at bay by mentioning that Shane-o's appearance isn't a surprise as it was announced on WWE.com. Little Mac takes the little mic and lets us all in on the plight of the McMahons. That name means something. It means Sports Enterwrestling. For four generations, the McFamily is reigned supreme. Not anymore, though. Thanks to his dad's haircut at WrestleMania, his family is mocked! They're mocked! That simply won't do. You, Robert Lashley, have sullied the name of Dancing Shaney's family tree. For that, you must pay. Get you're gigantic mack-truck self out here right now and let's settle this - giant man to pale regular ol' man.
You know what's crazier than Bobby Lashley in a suit? Nothing. Nothing is crazier than Bobby Lashley in a suit. It was huge. He looked like the guy who collects the strippers money at the start of a bachelor party. With the ECW Title in hand and his Sims suit on his back, Lashley got in the McSon's face, but quickly learned that his fate was already decided. Big news story, kid. Tonight you're defending that ECW strapparino against the one and only…Shane McMahon. The man who killed Kane three times and tried to stop Test from boffing his sister will now become the undisputed sneaker-wearing King of Extreme! Oh yeah. Before anyone can react, the Jungle Boogie rings out.
Umaga is here and he's screaming at invisible people. This is no good, though. The mythically tough
When the McTerminator returned to the ring, Bobby had a better idea for their match. How about we make it the ECW Title…vs. your stringy-ass hair, Porkchop? Huh? You put them locks up against the Sci Fi Gold and we'll call it even. Stephanie's Brother lectures Lash about how he doesn't make the rules…then agrees to them. That's right. ECW Title vs. Shane McMahon's hair. Tonight. You know, Shane should have made him the deal that if he loses, he'll get his head shaved. But if Bobby loses, Shane-o gets to chop his head off. Either that or scalp him. That would be awesome. If there's no plans to have Bob lose, then why not? Could be fun. King! Will Bobby Lashley get decapitated? We'll find out! But first, that guillotine in the ring is brought to you by Fruity, Fruity, Fruity - holy Cow Sh*t, they're fruity - Skittles!
Commercial Break. Note to the Truth.com guy - Only Adam Duritz can look like Adam Duritz. Anyone else who tries to do that style just looks homeless.
1. Mickie James and Candice defeated Victoria and Melina when Mickie pinned Victoria
During the match, Jerry Lawler asked Jim Ross if he'd shave his back for Candice. Even J.R. was thrown for a loop. Kinda weird but also pretty funny in a, you know, kinda weird way. Nothing big here. It was just sort of, yeah. Nothing. Then again, it wasn't meant to be much. It's just a way of advancing the women's division every week so there appears to be some movement. It also seems to be a way to make us all forget that Ashley exists. Nice magazine, sweetheart. When was that? Last month? Pish posh. That's sooooo thirty days ago.
Commercial Break. Ring of Honor had a commercial for an upcoming show. By the looks of the ad's quality, I'm guessing the card will be taking place around 1987.
Mick Foley is backstage with the Make-a-Wish Foundation's special guest, Michael Pena. Apparently the eight year old will be Raw G.M. for the night. Mick and the boy meet up with the Highlanders and Maria. Foley explains that he can ask for their autograph…or put them in a wild stipulation match! (JG Note: Or he can just ignore them like the other General Managers would.) He decides on an autograph and then smiles big for the camera.
(JG Note: At first, I thought the whole thing was a bit ridiculous, but it didn't play out that way. The kid wasn't splashed all over Raw, but just used for the spot he was needed for. It was actually nice to see and handled well. Sure, it can't be done weekly, but as a one time thing, it works. After the segment, Lawler and Ross talked about how great this must be for him. You have to agree. It was one of those genuine WWE good-guy moments.)
WWE's answer to Three's Company, Carlito, Ric Flair, and Torrie Wilson hit the ring. Carly takes the microphone first and tells Ric that he's an inspiration. It's not every day that the Nature Boy gives someone a wake-up call. You don't associate with crap, Flair. Want proof? Check out the Titan Tron for this sneak peak of…
Back to the real world, it's time for some now stuff. The deal is simple, Horsy. If you and Cool win the following match, you get a tag title shot at Backlash. Booyah! Backlash, Mutha F**ka! BAM! Let's do this. Space Mountain style.
2. Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade defeated Carlito and Ric Flair when Lance pinned Carlito
Why does Trevor Murdoch have to wear short trunks? He looks terrible. With his gimmick, he can just wear a flannel cut-off shirt and Billy Kidman jean shorts. He would be fine. "Get 'er done" and all that stuff. Instead, they make him look far worse than they need to. During the match, J.R. announced that Backlash would feature all three brands this year. So it's all official now. The match was alright. Surprisingly, Cade and Murdoch weren't made to look like they suck out loud. I mean, you'd think they can only win by cheating, right? Not really here. This time around, Lance hit a lariat while Trevor nailed a legsweep. Carly collapsed and suffered a three count. Crazy. I guess it's push #2 for the Cowboys. Good to see them up on their luck again.
After the bell, Ric tried to talk to his fallen partner, but Carlito was having none of it. Despite losing the match, Carl still brushed off his partner's attempt to chat. He shakes his afro in a way that denotes he doesn't feel things are cool and walks off while Torrie Wilson attempts to talk some sense into his apple-eating head.
Still to come: Little Shane vs. Gargantuan Bobby.
Commercial Break. Monday Night Raw is coming back to Madison Square Garden in August. Crooked street salesmen around Penn Station should get started on their bootleg WWE t-shirt stock early. Come on, guys. Let' s go. Early bird gets the worm.
The Condemned Video. Is it just me or, in some quick shots, does Steve Austin look like John Locke from Lost?
Like Radio Free Insanity guest, Beyond The Mat's Dennis Stamp, Shane McMahon is getting ready for his match against Bobby Lashley by jumping. No tricks. He just jumps. Bouncing around like Q-Bert, Shane-o takes offense when Coachman enters without knocking. Coach quickly learns that little Mac is worse than Big Mac as he endures abuse from Jumpy. Johnathon is told to focus on his own ish and not Shane's. Get the hell out of here, John. Thanks to you, Mr. McMahon ended up beaten and bald. Lil' Mac ain't suffering the same fate. J.C. leaves and Vinnie's kid continues his game of one-player hopscotch.
Back in the WWE Event Center, Todd Grisham is chilling with Shawn Michaels. Shawn's chest is covered in mirrors and his shoulders are draped in leather. (JG Note: The only thing the outfit was missing was the ball gag from Pulp Fiction.) HBK starts to promo up, but Randy Orton steps into view. He tells the Boy Toy that he'll lose tonight and is confronted by sarcasm. Michaels congratulates Cowboy Bob's kid on being the 300th guy to make that claim. We get a staredown and, by God, it's about to explode in here! These two young hosses are gonna lock horns….next!
Commercial Break. Ice T is on Law and Order: SVU? How? I thought he wanted to kill cops. Who thought to give him a gun and send him to work with the police? Come on, people! Wake up!
3. Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels had no decision due to a referee disagreement
This wasn't one for the ages early on. Randy Orton worked that slow methodical Prime Time Wrestling style and it got a bit boring. Even a busted eye for Shawn Michaels didn't get them going wild. Bleeding from his right eye, Shawn took back control and went town on Orton's knee. Jim Ross called it the "Eye of the Tiger." I guess because "Eye of the Guy in Leather Chaps" didn't have the same oomph. Things stayed on the mat for a while and HBK took his time in taking down Randy's thigh. Just when things looked like they were going the Rocker's way, the Legend Killer yanked him into the ring post. That cued Edge, who walked slowly down the ramp. Angered, Mr. RKO told him to leave. This distraction nearly R.O. a three count though as the Boy Toy rolled him up, but only scored a two. The match continued and so did the Rated RKO dissension. The two former friends engaged in a brief argument that lead to a failed RKO attempt. Adam ducked Randall's attack and nailed a Spear. He rolled Ort back into the ring, but referee Chad Patton was down from a previous bump. Another ref, Jack Doan, ran to the ring and began to count both men down on the mat. When he hit nine, they got up, but not for long. Running on what seemed to be pure instinct, Kid Heartbreak hit some Chin Music out of nowhere. Dandy Randy crumbled like a a cheap Jenga knockoff and Shawny fell right after...backwards onto him. Jack counts three and all seemed to be over…or was it?
It seems the original official, Chad Patton, wasn't down with that. Chad appeared to have had a good view of Shawn's shoulders and they were both on the mat as well. It seems that no one has won here. As everyone tried to figure out what the hell was going on, Edge pleaded his case. No winner meant that Mr. Rated R should be Mr. #1 Contender. Good thinking, Edgy. Scream it from the ramp.
Still to come: Shane McMahon's hair vs. Bobby Lashley's belt. They Photoshop a pic of Shane bald. He looked like one of the Coneheads. Speaking of which, commercials are on…go consume mass quantities.
Commercial Break. Hot women want to smell me through the TV. Yeah. I'm pretty friggin' sweet.
Back from the break and the arena's still buzzing over the finish of Shawn vs. Randy. It's crazy! Even crazier…they found a way to prolong the shelf-life of that barber chair. It's back in honor of tonight's Shane-o Hair match. Yeah! Let's here it for long-term investments!
In another section of the arena, Mick Foley is still leading young Make-a-Wish Michael through the locker room. He's shown getting autographs from Val Venis and Super Crazy. Even Cryme Tyme makes tyme to talk to the tyke. That's when Foley spots Johnny Nitro. He tries to get Miz's new partner to talk to the young G.M. for the day, but he refuses. What a jerk. Jerky walks away and Jerky #2 arrives. That's John Coachman to you and me, Russ. Coachman kneels down in young Michael's face and mocks his power. Ha! You're just a stupid little fake General Manager. Coach is the real deal! Double Ha! Mankind leans in and tells the kid to let John in on the big surprise. Before the mini-GM can lower the boom, Edge arrives. He pulls Coachy away and the meeting ends abruptly. Cactus Jack smiles at Michael and says, "We tried to warn him." Uh oh. He's your worst nightmare, Coach. An eight year old with a badge.
Commercial Break. If I saw a talking gecko, I'd totally kill it. Wouldn't even think. Probably scream first. Then I'd smash it with something.
4. WWE Tag Team Champions The Hardy Boys defeated The World's Greatest Tag team when Jeff pinned Charlie Haas
This match was ok. I wish they'd do a bit more with Haas and Benjamin. They have a good chemistry and could be capable of so much more. Unfortunately, they're here at a time when tag teams are pretty much forgotten as soon as they debut. Had they been around twenty years ago, they'd have been tremendous. Now they're fodder for the Hardy Champions. It wasn't anything great, but filled the time it needed to. Jeff Hardy, or as Jim Ross called him, "He of Rainbow Hair," hit the Swanton Bomb and scored a pinfall.
Edge is wearing his sunglasses at night so he can, so he can…come to the ring and interview John Cena. Next!
Commercial Break. The National Treasure "Threepete." Same movie. Three nights in a row. USA - Forget characters. People With Major Memory Problems Welcome.
Time for the Cutting Edge. It's like Piper's Pit without the wall and oversized photos. J.R. notes the Edge had a sense of urgency while crowd notes that he sucks. That doesn't deter the host. Adam Copeland says that both Shawn Michaels and Randy Orton lost their match tonight. Yeah. No number one contender, I guess. Don't worry, though. Backstage, Copeland talked to John Coachman and he said that the new number one contender is…Edge! Ha! You heard that right. Adam is the new #1...
Not so fast, Canadian Girlie Hair. Randy Orton is here and he's pissed. Not a little pissed. Really pissed. Spitting and limping, the Legend Killer runs his former partner from the ring:
"I talked to Coach and he agrees with me that you're the last guy that deserves a WWE Title shot. One thing's for sure. I've never faced John Cena for the WWE title and come Backlash…"
This cues Shawn Michaels, all bruised and gimping up the ramp. With his t-shirt tucked into his probably disgustingly sweaty leather chaps from the match he just had, Michaels takes the microphone. Shut up, punks. Shawn is here to lay it straight. He's telling you that he believes the Showstoppa is the "better man." (JG Note: Ugh. I hate this better man thing. Unless Eddie Vedder is showing up, it's lame.) HBK says that Backlash is going to be one match and one match only. The Heartbreak Kid vs….you guessed it, John Cena.
John. Shawn said your name. You have to go the ring.
OK, Cedric. Save the material for the ring. Get out there.
John Cena's here and he's ready to bring things to a third grade level. Everyone's talking about packages. Randy never had one. Shawn isn't happy with his. And so on. Oh ho ho ho. HBK take offense, but John backs him off. He runs down everyone's chances in arguments:
Shawn Michaels: Seems disgruntled. What will make him happy? Recreating WrestleMania. Relive "the greatest moment in sports entertainment history." (Mike Tenay Note: See? That's how you sell this stuff, baby!) "You want some? Come get some."
All this talking brings out John Coachman. He needs to talk too. Shane McMahon is busy prepping for his match with the human refrigerator, Bobby Lashley. So that means that Coach is in charge of day-to-day business. At Backlash, it will be Cena vs. Rated RKO in a two on one handicap match! Ha! Whoever gets the pin, gets the title! Coachman keeps talking, but we're all too busy waiting for the Make-a-Wish kid to listen.
Cue Mick Foley and Rey Mysterio.
Ha ha. Good stuff…..Wait. Is that really him? Without the mask?
WWE's Hurley, Mick Foley is here in his Deter from Sprockets suit. Seems that John Coachman can't make that decision! No! Only one man can make it, his name is Michael Pena and he's the acting G.M. of the night! Michael, bust your bad little-kid self out here!
Michael Pena Fun Fact: His theme song is the Raw theme song with people screaming piped into it. The other choice was going to be Gene Snitsky repeating the name "Pennnnnnn....yaaaaaaaa" over and over again under his breath, but they went with the Raw song instead.
Mick gives him the mic and Michael makes it official:
"The new main event for Backlash will be John Cena vs.. Randy Orton vs. Edge vs. Shawn Michaels for the WWE Championship!"
This kid is better than the Miz.
Foley leads Michael in a thumbs up and I think we have just got a glimpse of what Raw might be like when Aurora Rose hits the age of eight. Segment ends with the Backlash Four looking at one another.
Up next: Salt and Pepper Hair vs. Sci Fi Title
Commercial Break. Coming to theaters - Next. Now there's a terrible movie idea. I can't imagine how many people deciding on what movies to see will suggest it to a friend and have them respond, "Next!" I mean. Come on. It's like naming a movie, "Nah - Sounds Stupid."
Yo. Any word on the plane?
We're in indoors.
So? I'm not a wuss. Dude. Totally. Not a wuss. Look. Look I can pinch my arm really hard and I don't even scream.
That's great. Maybe you should get to the ring.
OK. You look into that plane. Later.
5. ECW Champion Bobby Lashley defeated Shane McMahon via disqualification
The gimmick here is that Lashley knew Shane would "never back down from a challenge." That's why Little Mac agreed. It's because he's courageous…not stupid. Right off the bat, though, Shane-o took control. He speared Bobby as he entered the ring and rammed him into the ringpost. In one completely surreal spot after another, McMahon took down the ECW Champion with punches and tackles like Bobby Baklava. When the bell finally sounded, Mac failed to keep his opponent down. He followed up with some dancing kicks and Donald Trump's favorite wrestler took a pounding. When the Kid Lash finally gained control, the boss's son was pretty screwed. B.L.tossed him around with suplexes and kept the Mean Street Posseboy at bay. Seeing he was all but defeated, Shane-o Insane-o did the only thing he could do. He punched the referee in the mouth.
This cued The Umaga World Order. The Samoan Bulldozer, Armando, and Vince McMahon in his Abbot and Costello hat all showed up. Maga immediately went to work on the ECW Champ and slammed him with numerous turnbuckle butt butts. The Samoan Savage seemed ready to finish Bob with the Samoan Spike, Little Mac stopped him. Chair in hand, Shane swung and knocked Bobbo out cold. The McMahon/Headshrinker Connection pounded away on Bobert. With the Champion bloodied and semiconscious, Vinnie Mac leans in.
He removes his hat. People scream.
Vince informs Bobby that he's going to get some revenge. At Backlash, it'll be Bobby Lashley vs…
Umaga… (people don't react much)
…vs. Shane McMahon (people don't react much again)
…vs. Vincent Kennedy McMahon! (more reaction than the other two, but still not much. Can't image they'd expect people to go ga-ga for a screw-you-over match on pay-per-view.)
Oh, and it's for the ECW Title. Still no one seems all that enthralled. Umaga hits the Samoan Spike and Vince McHathead lands some silly punches to Lashley's noggin as we fade to black.
All in all…Seemed like it was going to be better than it was.
The show itself seemed shrouded in the notion that the main event was going to be huge. It wasn't. No haircut. No major ECW Champ change. Nothing. Just a big group attack leading to an underwhelming pay-per-view encounter. The only allure the match could have is that it's for the ECW title and could lead to in-fighting with the heels. The only problem with that is that the McMahons own the company. Silly to think they'd bicker over winning a title they already own. Just name yourself Champion. You own the place. We'd all probably do the same thing.
The Make-a-Wish Foundation appearance was done well. I wonder how many others are going to request the same wish now. That being said, they handled it well and it wasn't done in a way that seemed to exploit it. They also used the G.M. for a night gimmick to announce the Backlash main event. In a match that most people thought we'd get at Mania, it's Randy Orton vs. Edge vs. Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena for the WWE Title. We only know like three matches for Backlash and two are Four Way matches. Boo.
Other than that, the night didn't focus on much besides the major points. For that, it suffered a bit. With two major matches both with consequences ending in non-decisions (Shane-Lashley, Orton-Michaels), it definitely fell short. It's never good to promise your audience a match-decided number one contender, ECW title change, and/or haircut and deliver none. It just felt like a let down.
That's it for me, guys. Be sure to check out the new uncut interview with "Beyond The Mat's" Dennis Stamp on ClubWWI.com It was one of our most insane and unique interviews to date and lasts 74 minutes. Also, stay tuned for another edition of one of our Superstar-Hosted Audio Shows and a new uncut interview. All information on Club content (along with free audio clips) can be found on the main free page of ClubWWI.com
|© 2005-2007 All content contained here Copyright 2006 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion.|