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JG's 5/23/05 Raw Insanity: McMahon. Bischoff. Heyman. Hot Dog.

By James Guttman
Apr 14, 2007, 11:23


...

The following short film has been approved for all audiences:



Now back to your regularly scheduled insanity…

Hey kids! Did you love ECW? Probably not or else we wouldn't own it! We here at World Wrestling Entertainment realize that the one thing missing from Philadelphia's favorite not-for-profit wrestling organization was fun for the whole family. Now, thanks to a US monopoly, WWE can finally give you the EC F'n W that you deserve. Remember…the F stands for fun!


ECW Cereal

Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

In the mood for a violent breakfast? Feel the need to chomp down and bite into some hardcore grain? Look no further than ECW cereal. With 100% of the daily vitamins and nutrients needed to make your blood thinner so it can flow easier, ECW Cereal is part of a nutritious breakfast. Take breakfast to the Extreme! Look for it in the band-aid aisle.

ECW Cereal - It's Bloody Great!



Garbage Wrestling Kids

Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

We here at WWE debate constantly about what ECW really means. Some of us here think it was a waste of money. Others feel it was a way to keep Paul Heyman busy for a while. The one thing we all agree on here is that it's garbage wrestling. We don't mean that in a bad way. Now it's time to show you what we mean with WWE's Garbage Wrestling Kids trading cards, inspired by Kevin Dunn. Take your trading cards to the Extreme! Collect them all: Jobbed Rob, Jobbin' Stevie, Spike the Jobber, and many more.


ECW Wrestling Buddies

Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

Are you lonely at night? Afraid that the bed bugs might bite? Well, bite 'em back with new ECW Wrestling Buddies! The dreamtime Sandman is no match for your cuddly Sandman. Unleash an asskicking on everyone in dream world with the hottest toy of the summer. It's time to take bedtime to the Extreme!

Warning: Dolls are filled with sawdust, broken glass, teeth, and thumbtacks. Handle at your own risk.


FTW Lunch Box

Get World Wrestling Insanity: The Book Here

Those few people that watched ECW the first time around know that Tazz's catchphrase when he entertained there was "FTW" and it stood for "F the World."

Now it's time for you to say FTW. Only now, FTW stands for…Food That's Wonderful! Take your lunchtime to the Extreme with this orange and black lunchbox. Each one proudly displays the FTW logo and includes the words "Hardcore Lunch." No one will mess with your puddin' cup after seeing that logo. The FTW lunchbox is the only lunchbox endorsed by Michael Cole's co-host on Smackdown.

"Two Thumbs Up! Yambags!" - Tazz



***

Are you ready to take your Monday night to the Extreme? Well, buckle up, because tonight we're going to party like it's 1999 (literally) with a little ECW inclusion. Can WCW's VP Raw's GM Eric Bischoff finally do away with the bad rubbish that is "Extreme Championship Wrestling's" pay-per-view? What will those who once proudly wore the ECW letters have to say about all this? Will pseudo-Long Islander Chris Jericho be able to coexist with the Jerry Lawler-prejudged Shelton Benjamin long enough to take out Hassan and Daivari? Or will the Arab American Males once again take down the Wall Breaker and Mr. Ain't-No-Stoppin-Me-Now? Has Hunter had enough time out of the spotlight? Should we expect him to intervene in Edge's title match with Batista? Speaking of the Edgeman, is he sick of Lita yet? I mean, it's been like a week. You can't expect a guy to stick around forever, right? Well, when the time comes you know, Copeland's just a gigolo and Raw goes on without him. So kick your heels up, grab some ECW Cereal, and prepare for the rest. It's time for Raw. Read on. David Lee Roth commands you.

Last week, Edge wrestled and then hooked up with Lita. It's pretty much the same thing he's been doing all year, only now it's filmed.

We start things off with Lita and her new man, Edge. Leets begins the festivities by addressing all the self-appointed judges in the audience. Deal, people. None of you are saints. Miss Amy, happy in her present relationship, goes on to explain why her previous union with Matt Kane didn't work out. She then proceeds to undo months of booking and show why WWE stories have about as much continuity as a Choose Your Own Adventure book read page by page. She also fits all the symbolic statements in and answers her critics. How? Well, see for yourself. (JG Note: I'm not putting it into italics because it's long and I know that it grates on the eyes. See? I got your back.)

Lita: "What I did to Kane, women do all the time. They use their husbands. I mean, can you blame me? Can you really blame me? Where do I start? Maybe the kidnapping, the whole boiler room incident. Maybe forcing me into having sexual relations with him. Then I got pregnant. Oh and let's not forget the marriage I didn't want to be in either. And because Kane couldn't protect me, I lost my baby. The way that I see it, Kane owes me. So I used him. Big deal. I used Kane to take care of Trish and anything else my heart desired. All I had to do is close my eyes and pucker up and give him a really gross, big, wet kiss. But I had Kane wrapped around my finger. Let's get one thing straight…just because I've had more action in the last few months than any of you have had in your entire lifetime. Don’t' be jealous of me, OK? Let's get one thing straight. Kane, I never loved you. I could never love a sick twisted sweaty freak like you. While you were running my errands, doing whatever I wanted, you followed me around like a cute little puppy dog, I was busy falling in love. I fell in love with a real man. Kane, you could never satisfy me. In fact, no man that I've ever been with could have satisfied me except one - the man I've been seeing behind your back for months now, the next World Heavyweight Champion. Edge."

So now we remember that she was raped, kidnapped, and forced to marry? That's the explanation? I guess we could figure that the "change of heart" she's had can be attributed to using Kane out of revenge. The only problem is that she's the bad guy! Let me understand this. We boo her because she cheated on the guy that raped and kidnapped her? We cheer for the rapist? Will there be t-shirts for this? The insanity with Kane continues later. Stick around.

Edge follows up this speech by telling us that we can chant "slut" at her, but Lita is his slut. He says he doesn't own anyone an explanation. Everyone's just jealous of how hot the two of them are. (JG Note: You want Edge's hair, admit it. You dig Lita's carpenter pants. Give it up for carpenter pants. ) Laughing, Edger says that he got the gorl and tonight he will get the world title. He won the Money in the Bank match at Wrestlemania and last week he won the Goldrush Tournament. There's no better than the Edgeman, people. Tonight Batista goes down for the count. On that note, he "kisses" Lita. Actually they sort of slobber on each other's mouths. It's a weird kiss. Why do all of these people kiss so strange? On a side note, Adam Copeland is lucky that he committed adultery or else he'd have no gimmick right now. However, he did and he does and the character that came out of it all is pretty solid. Sinning is the way to go, people.

Backstage, Kane is watching in the locker room. He's rocking back and forth and appears to be in some sort of trance. My heart goes out to you, kidnapper. I can't imagine how hard it must be to see your prisoner with another man.

Still to come: Mr. Lita meets the Deacon for the Title and Shelton Benjamin teams with Chris Jericho to meet Hassan-n-Daivari. Don't you dare go away. If you do, then that's just messed up.

Commercial Break. Adam Sandler stars in the Longest Yard. I loved that Adam Sandler movie where he played the dimwitted but likeable love interest who easily loses his temper. Which one was that? Oh yeah - all of them.

Eric Bischoff is backstage with a guy who looks like a bald Michael Cole. His name is Richie and he wears a white barber jacket with scissors in the breast pocket. Bisch tells him to construct a barbed wire ECW wreath. At this point, it becomes clear that Richie is a florist. (JG Note: Either that or he's a barbed-wire wreath maker and there aren't too many of those.) Why? Well, Richie, EB is having a funeral for ECW. It's something that he should have done "a long time ago." You're goddamned right, Eric. I'd say around four years ago. What time warp are we all being sucked into? Richie exits stage right. Shelton Benjamin runs in to talk to Uncle Eric too. Hey, Bischy, Chris Jericho isn't here. If he's not here then Shelly has no partner against Hassan and Daivari. What's the IC Champ to do? Easy E has no time for this, Benji. This is your problem. Eeebee has to deal with more important things like the Draft Lottery in two weeks. Did you see John Cena last night? Whoo-hoo! He'd be great on Raw! Anyway, if you have no partner, then you'll just have to go it alone tonight. You can face the Iron Sheiks in a handi-cap match. Cool? Cool. Annoyed, the champion accepts his fate and tells the GM that while Cena on Raw would be good, Bischoff sent to Smackdown would be sweeter. The crowd pops and Eric's annoyed. A General Manager jumping brands? I hadn't thought about that. Ooooo! Maybe we'll have another sheriff gimmick! Remember that little golf cart? Beep beep! Whoo hoo!

Uh, Johnny Ace? Can I talk to you for a second? I see that I'm scheduled to have a two-on-one match against Daviari and Hassan.

That's correct, Shelton.

Well, on the run sheet, there's a notation next to my match that reads "BAA." What's that?

Oh…that's just a simple little system we came up with. It stands for "Black, Arab, Arab." That way we don't get confused.

You what? What? Wow. Wouldn't it be easier and, uh, less offensive to just put our names down?

Ah ha ha ha. You're so young to the business. Now get out of here, B. Bling bling. Ah ha ha ha.


(1) Hassan & Daviari defeated Shelton Benjamin when Daivari scored the pin This match fit well into the current storyline and is a smart move for WWE to do with Hassan and Daivari. While Benji and Jericho go through the motions with each other before their feud, Shawn and Muhammad get the rub from being the guys to defeat them in the process. Between tonight's victory over the IC Champion and last week's clean pin on Y2J, Mu and SD has been on a roll. The teaming with Khrosow has shown a new dimension to this gimmick and given them more options to work with. In a dilapidated tag division, a title win by Shawn and Hassan may be enough to breathe new life into it. The Mu-Man and Dai represent the old school tag team in so many ways. They have the same gimmick, look, and work as a unit. Plus, as a hot-button gimmick, they'd make the tag scene seem important again. Couldn't have that. In the end, it was the Hassanator ambushing Shelton and hitting the Downward Spiral. Daivari capitalized and scored the pin. JR wonders where Jericho can be. Personally, my guess would be the Shiny Pants Store.

Commercial Break. Castrol GTX - High Mileage. Makes old cars feel high again.

Chris Jericho has arrived at the arena and he's ready to fight. Hold up, Fozzy. Todd Grisham stops Chris to say that his match is over. Sorry, CJ, you missed it. Jericho rolls his eyes and goes on about all the things he's had to do lately. Benjamin can deal with it. He's still champion. Tell you what, Grishy. Tell Eric Bischoff to book a match between the Fozzmaniac and anyone on the roster. After all, Chris equals ratings. TG seems surprised and asks if he feels guilty about bailing on his partner. Shut up, interview man. The Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah said he'll fight someone else. Now get over it, eh.

There's more Canadians aboot! Christian is chilling with Tyson "Crazy Face" Tomko. The CLB tells his funny bearded friend that Smackdown has a sweet roster, as they look at a SD Magazine. It's the type of roster that Captain Charisma could destroy. John Cena, Booker T…please. Tian could destroy them easily. Tomko squints and asks "Who's Mark Jindrak?" Sister Christian says that he doesn't know, but he'd beat him too. Ouch. Take that, Mark. That'll teach you to not get over. The couple is approached by the new couple, Edge and Lita. Adam tells his fake brother that if he wins the World Title tonight, he has no need for his title-match-in-a-briefcase. If Chris and Mr. T help Copeland take the strap later, a title shot would be in Captain Charisma's future. Sound good? The Captain tells the Ladiez Man that he might be seeing him later. Refreshing to see an Edge and Lita segment not specifically designed to make Matt Hardy punch himself in the face.

Commercial Break. Cedric the Entertainer is starring in the Honeymooners. I guess Cedric had to become an actor. After all, when your last name is "the Entertainer," it just seems like destiny.

Uh, Mr. McMahon, can I talk to you?

Sure thing! Stevie Richards, what's up?

Well, I got my copy of the Raw script. I'm thrilled to be on the show. Really, I am. There's only one problem. Next to my match, there's a little asterisk that says "Chris - Break Steve's Nose." What's that about?

Oh…uh, you weren't supposed to get that copy of the script. Uh…ah ha ha ha. Hey, how'd you like to be on the ECW pay-per-view? You would? Great! See? We're friends. Now go out there and try not to end up in a wheelchair. Godspeed.


(2) Chris Masters defeated Stevie Richards via Masterlock submission Things start off with Richards on the offense, but that doesn't last long. The reason for this conflict is the injury bestowed upon Steve-o by the Masterpiece some time ago. Jim Ross says that Stevie was off for three months and "not making any money." (Triple H Note: As usual, he's never drawn any money - not a dime.) The time that it took to write that sentence is double the time it took Masters to squash his revenge seeking foe. CM gets all 1988 on him and locks in his patented full nelson. Richards goes down and Billy Jack Haynes would be proud. Someone get Chris a black and green hat and a headband to wear around his neck! Go Oregon!

Todd "Grishmeister" Grisham is in the Eric Bischoff room. Easy E is incredulous at the arrogance of Chris Jericho and tells Todd to inform him that he'll be fighting next. Also, it appears that Kane is in the building. Do your GM a favor and interview him. Uh oh…looks like we might be roasting marshmallows off of Grisham's ass by night's end.

Commercial Break. Who would win in a fight - Lance Krall, John Henson, or Striperella? I'm guessing Striperella.

(3) Chris Jericho defeated Sylvan Grenier via Walls of Jericho submission The gimmick going into this is that Sylvan and Rob Conway are having a friendly rivalry over their singles career. Well, good going, Syl. In a pretty uninspiring finish, Jericho hit Grenier with a dropkick. The Resister took an awkward bump, landed in the ring, and eventually tapped out to the Jericho walls. Better than being Viscera's hump buddy, I suppose. In some ways, this is a step up for Silly Van.

Following the match, Shelton Benjamin stalked the ring. He rubbed his arm and looked determined. What did he do to Y2J? Nothing. CJ ran from the ring, took the mic, apologized, and explained. Shelly, you're a tremendous athlete, but think about what Jericho has to lose! He's a radio show host and a singer and stuff! He has important business to deal with. That's why he was late. No matter what, though, Chris is convinced that his Jerichoholics will always be by his side! Well considering that they stuck with him through years of hamster wheel spinning midcard Raw nothingness, I'd say he has a strong point.

Still to come: Eric Bischoff gives ECW a funeral and the Undertaker's old music is used for the graphic. Time to take funerals to the Extreme! I hope Hunter returns and humps the ECW casket!

Commercial Break. ECW's One Night Stand is coming to pay-per-view. Vince is mad at himself for not thinking of this pay-per-view name when Zach Gowan still wrestled for the company. He could have made fun of him with it in a promo. Damn.

Where's Mr. McMahon?

He had to go home and change. Eric Bischoff asked him if WWE would ever put on a WCW reunion pay-per-view and he laughed so hard that he vomited all over himself.


Eric Bischoff is here and, I forgot to mention earlier, is clean shaven. The fuzzy gray General Manager is standing beside the barbed wire ECW wreathe and treats us all to a history lesson. We're here to celebrate the death of ECW. Before that, let's fill you all in on it's history...





Eric Bischoff's ECW History

1.
ECW was a young upstart promotion in the 90s.

2. They wrestled in a south Philly Bingo Hall, but thought they were groundbreaking.

3. In the end, ECW was crushed by Eric Bischoff and WCW.

4. This was done by putting on a superior product until ECW died.

So, Eric was shocked to see One Night Stand plugged on Raw. This is Easy E's show! Bischoff says that "I killed ECW once and I'm going to kill it again." (JG Note: No, Eric. I think this time WWE'll do it.) Over the next few weeks, Bisch is going to selecting some Raw superstars to buy ringside seats to the show. Oooo! It's another Invasion! Yay! That was a fun time, wasn't it? Anyway, no one is going to stop Uncle Eric. "Not Paul Heyman. Not Sabu. Not the Sandman." With that, EB bangs his fist in a really girlie manner on the podium. Now, you done heard Bischy's story. Let's here another side of the story. Let's hear from the man that writes the history books at this point.

Vince McMahon has arrived and he's got those magic quads. Has Big Mac come to mock Eric Bichoff's skinniness and fuzzy hairdo like he did to Randy Orton? Not this week. Vinnie is here to confront you, punk. He's here to stand against all this. You don't know history, Mr. B. You don't know nothing. Here's Vince's history of ECW. Turn your books to page 34 and take out a piece of loose-leaf paper.







Vince McMahon's ECW History

1.
For years, Vince supported ECW financially.

2. It was a secret.

3. VKM felt that "ECW's stars could become WWE superstars." Examples: Mick Foley, Dudleys, Steve Austin.

4. Vinnie Mac supported ECW while Eric was raping and pillaging the ECW locker room, forcing them into bankruptcy.

5. Look up that bankruptcy and see that WWE was owed $587,500 by ECW.

6. Vince had to buy the company in order to protect his interests. Now he wants it to be successful.

7. The ECW commercials are from McMahon. He puts them on.

8. Mac is putting on the ECW Rules Match between Tajiri and Chris Benoit next.

9. The only dead brand around here is WCW.

10. Vince: "Eric, I killed WCW."

So, for those of you keeping score, Vince McMahon was God of ECW. He made it. This interview, while gaining momentum, still portrayed ECW as a farm league. It looked like OVW. I don't understand why he would go out of his way to call their wrestlers mere "stars" when he's planning on selling their show. All that said, the way they've put this together is intriguing and different than the current product, which is stale in some cases. It's just that there's so little for them to do new nowadays that they need to go for the nostalgia kick. I cringe at the thought of what things'll be like when that well runs dry. After the good old days, we're out of stuff to sell around here. You know what would have been great in this McPromo? When McMahon mentioned the money that he lost with ECW, Bischoff should have said, "You know what, dude? Compared the loss you took with the XFL, that's nothing." That would be awesome. Anyway, let's move on. Bring out Heyman.

Here comes Paul Heyman and he tells us all how amazed we should be to see Vince McMahon, Paul Heyman, and Eric Bischoff in the same ring. WWE, WCW, and ECW all in one spot! Wow! This would be amazing... if it was five years ago. Now Bischoff and Heyman work for Vince, so it's not so spectacular. Paul E. informs Mac that while WWE is doing the funding, he will be doing the creative stuff. He then tells Bischy his version of ECW history.





Paul Heyman's ECW History

1.
ECW wasn't garbage wrestling.

2. It was Rey Mysterio and lucha. That started in ECW, not WCW.

3. ECW did pure wrestling. Chris Benoit was ECW, not WCW.

4. ECW involved the crowd. Case in point: RVD. He encouraged people to use their thumbs. He did that in ECW.

5. Bischoff was right. ECW was about barbed wire and tables. Tommy Dreamer, Sandman, Foley, Sabu, and others all did that.

6. ECW was counter culture. It was in your face.

7. Invites Eric Bischoff to attend the pay per view.

Vince McMahon then jumps in and tells Heyman that he not only supports ECW, but he supports Raw too. If Uncle Eric wants to bring some thugs to the show, it's all good. Mix it up. Fight! The chairman leaves the ring and allows Paulie to go off. He calls this "gang warfare" and offers to "take gang warfare to the extreme." He then says that EB has started a fire that he can't put out. On that cue, the wreathe goes up in flames. Segment ends and everyone forgot to mention one point…

* This all happened almost five years ago.

Although, I'm amazed that they've made this ECW feud out to be a war between two of Vince's brands about an old grudge between the company McMahon crushed and the one that he financially supported. Amazing.



Commercial Break. McDonald's takes credit cards so that your girlfriend won't find out you're cheating on her. That's the point of their new ad. Wow.

Clips air of Steve Austin in the Longest Yard. It featured comments from Chris Rock and Adam Sandler. A scene with Kevin Nash in it also aired. In the course of the two second clip, Nash surprisingly suffered no injury.

(4) Chris Benoit defeated Tajiri in an ECW Rules match I love how they do a segment claiming that ECW isn't all weapons and garbage and then feature a garbage can in the following "ECW Rules" match. The match was short and sweet and had some good action. Taj spit his green phlegm into Benoit's face and rushed in. He was caught in a German Suplex and forced to tap out to a Kendostick assisted Crippler Crossface. With an ECW pay per view on the horizon, this one could have gone longer to really get the point of what ECW is supposed to be. As it stands now, it doesn't look all that different than a 24/7 Hardcore Title match.

Commercial Break. Raw Rewind is brought to you by Stanley Tools. I don't know Stanley, but I guess he's a tool. Bit harsh to call him that on TV, no?

Ric Flair approaches Batista and has to get something off his chest. He has wanted to say this to Dave Batista all day and it’s gonna be heartfelt. In that creepy Flair-esque way, he says thank you. Thank you, Tista. Thank you for last night week. Thank you for saving Ric's Nature ass. You the man. With that, we get a handshake and a custody battle added to the eventual rekindled Batista-Hunter feud….either that or Ric's 20,000th turn since 2002.

Todd Grisham has been sent to interview the Big Red Machine Kane. How's it feel to lose Lita to Edge? Kane-o then goes off about how his whole life has been about pain. Pain was his best friend. (JG Note: His name was Pain McElroy and he could climb the highest trees! Hey Pain! Let's go play hopscotch! Oh, Pain. You are my best friend. I love you.) Now Pain sucks, though. It hurts inside! Kane says that he deserves this pain. He deserves it because of all the bad things that's done. You know, the rape, necrophilia, testicle electrocution, grave-robbing, tombstoning Linda McMahon, faking burns, killing dogs, and all that other stuff. No big whoop. On that note, he cries like a baby. People in the crowd don't react well to this segment. Who thought making him cry would be the answer? What type of world do the WWE writers live in where all big men rape people and cry?

Commercial Break. Raw rewind is a scene of Frenchie Davis auditioning for American Idol. What? Oh…no. It was Viscera singing to Lillian last week. Sorry for any confusion.

Backstage, Kane leaves the building to go back home and feed his Big Red Dog, Clifford.

Maria introduces Viscera and it's on, people. The JR christened "World's Largest Love Machine" comes out to greet her. He's in a black suit and she's ready to play her female Eugene gimmick.

She claims to have an "interior motive" for inviting Vis out to the ring. After last week, she's ascertained that the V Man digs Lillian Garcia. Lil, can you enter the ring please?

Garcia obliges and Maria asks Vis if he likes Lillian. The scary Barry White guy tells her that this is all true. He likes the female Finkle, but isn't sure if she feels the same way. Why? Well, LG never came to the big scary rapist's hotel room. Why on Earth not? Don’t sweat it, girl. Vissy has a surprise. With that, he screams out "Lights! Music! Hot dog!"

Hot dog? No one knows what he means, so he shoves Maria and tells her to fetch him a hot dog from a fan in the front row. He munches away and reminds us that you need a good meal to go with romance. He takes a bite and says "Damn, that's really good." On that cue, he breaks into a striptease.

I'm not kidding. Striptease. It makes me laugh and for that, I feel guilty. Vis takes off his coat and pants. He stood there in his red silk boxers, threatening to continue. Before the Man on a Mission can whip out his little Oscar, John Coachman stops the insanity.

Coach is here to stop any sexual harassment lawsuits from besieging Eric Bischoff. Listen, Monster, you best calm down. JC figures that Viscera is just stoked to be in Green Bay, where even he is considered thin. Uh oh. No he di'in't. Following the big diss, the camera closes in on big Vis saying "Mother F**ker." (JG Note: The missing letters are u and c.) Johnny calls him an embarrassment and orders him to leave the arena, orders care of Mr. Bischoff. Now step!

John turns away from the giant and approaches Lillian. A hand on a mission halts him and grabs Coachman by the throat. He pushes the announcer against the ropes, tears his shirt, and proceeds to chop away before nailing a Samoan Drop. Following this brutality, V holds Johnny down on the mat, climbs on his back, and thrusts his groin into the Coach's butt. Wow. This turns on Garcia, who is now cheering. She raises her sexual harassers hand in victory and is quickly dipped backwards. Big Vis then leans in and the two kiss. Big kiss, huh? I bet this segment is killing Matt Hardy at home…oh, wait. Sorry. Force of habit. On a side note, Viscera is the first man in wrestling history to hook up with both Lillian Garcia and the Coach in one segment. Congrats, Mabel!

Commercial Break. ECW One Night Stand is coming to pay-per-view. I'm glad they didn't call it "ECW - Vince McMahon Really Owned It."

Warning signs of Edge's infidelity that his wife, Lisa Copeland, should have picked up on

Exhibit A - The Christmas Card


Dear Lita Lisa,

I want you to know how much I have enjoyed cheating on my wife with you having you as my wife. I just hope that Matt Hardy doesn't find out you know how wonderful it is having you in my life. For the rest of my life, know that I love you. You are everything to me, Lita.

Merry Christmas. I heart you.

You think you know me,
Your Adulterer Edge


Edge and his new lady friend hit the ring and await the champion.

Hi Dave.

Hi Ric.

Been a while.

Yeah. Good to see you again.

I missed your arms.

Thanks, Ric.

Can I lick em?

No, Ric. We've been over this before. I'm flattered, though.

You get my flowers?

Yes. You're still not allowed to lick my arms.

OK….so, so, so…hmmmm. Uh…whoooo…hmmmm. So, Dave, uh…how's about lettin' me lick your arms?


(5) World Champion Batista pinned Edge This one had it all. Christian interfered. Lita did her thing. In many ways, it seemed like tonight could be Adam Copeland's night. This new gimmick seems to fit him well and for the first time ever, he has a fresh feel to him. Batista did fairly well too. Without Triple H on the card, Dave has a chance to showcase his skills without being overwhelmed by the Game. Sure, Trips will be back, but these two weeks have been good for the upper carders and helped to divvy up some air time. During the match, Jim Ross makes sure to remind us that Edge's in-ring ability shouldn't be judged by his out-of-ring life. He says this:

"His transgressions, to the best of my knowledge, didn't happen in the ring…as far as Lita is concerned."
- Jim Ross, 10:50pm

This is followed up by Lawler telling JR to get over it. According to the King, "breakups happen every day." I think he's the last person to speak out about moving on after a breakup. After he broke up with Stacy Carter, he became the kid in the Starburst commercial that eats the statue's face. I swear, his website became the Carter Channel.

Everything came to a head in this one when we got an obligatory ref bump. With the official down, Christian and Tyson Tomko were free to jump in. To their chagrin, the save was made by Ric Flair! The Nature Boy ran out to the ring and went on the attack, eventually being overwhelmed by the Brood Brothers and Mr. Neidhart beard. They pounded away on Slick Ric, failing to see Batista recover while their attention was diverted. He knocked them all out of the ring…except Edge, who took Dave down by surprise with a Spear. The ref awoke and all looked done, but we only got a two count. Edgy was shocked and tried to follow up, but was nailed by a spine buster and a Batista Bomb. It's all over but the shouting. Ahhhhhhhhh! OK, now it's over.

After the bell, Tista's music plays as he stands over Edge. Suddenly, Triple H's song blares over the loud speaker and everyone freezes. The H Man appears with his sledgehammer and stares at both Flair and Dave. What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. Ric Flair punching Batista in the package is what's going on. Naitch sells out his buddy with a low blow and Hunter Hearst Helmsley steps into the ring.

The Game rips his shirt off and attacks the Deacon out side the ring. He throws the Champ into the ring steps. He pounds away on Tista's head, bloodying him in the process. It all leads to Flair holding Dave's proverbial crimson-mask face up so that Trips can challenge him to a Hell in a Cell match. Following the challenge, he Pedigrees the Animal and Jim Ross freaks out. What's going on! Game! Game! Game! Fade black.

All in all… Not bad. This was a pretty good Raw in some respects and bad in others.

The ECW nostalgia kick is frightening. We're getting WWE's ECW history and that's not good. If this angle was being done in 2001 or 2002, it would be money. Now it's just desperate. Where did this come from? When all else fails, turn back the clock. That's what WCW did, right? Oh…wait.

Viscera makes me laugh. He shouldn't, but he does. His segments don't make it seem like they have any long-term plans at work, though. How will they make money with all this? At least now we know that he's a baby face. So, we got that out of tonight's skit. Other than that, I'm at a loss.

Triple H is back. You missed him. Don't lie. Hunter-Batista: Hell in a Cell should be a good match, though. For all the Trips bashing we do, you can't deny that he excels in big matches like this. Provided they focus on getting Batista over in the Cell, things should go fine. Then again, that's a big "provided" there.

That's it for this week. I'll see you all next week with some more Insanity. Now go get some sleep with your ECW Wrestling Buddy!

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