JG's 5/7 Raw Insanity: Edge Wins Back The Bank From Kennedy, The High and Low Landers, and Khali Takes The WWE Title Home With Him
By James Guttman
Dear Mr. McMahon,
As per your request, we have revamped our future WWE film projects. Below you will find a list of upcoming movies, media releases for each, and some information about the contents.
PS: We've been searching for a good spin on the Condemned that J.R. can use on Raw. So far, all we have is that it's was "The 2nd highest grossing film among 12-13 year old blind Mongolian-Americans named Rusty." We'll keep crunching the numbers though and see if we can come up with something better.
Randy Orton in:
THAT F**KIN' HAMSTER!
Release Date: November 2008
Concept: Randy Orton plays Randy Cortin, a young athlete who just wants to do well. Unfortunately, a small talking hamster named Ping-Pong (voice by Queen Latifah) convinces him to be naughty and annoy his superiors.
Randy Orton: Wow, Ping-Pong. This plane ride is great. I'm really looking forward to the in-flight movie!
Eenid: Yo. Check it out, son. Is that chick taking up three seats? Three seats?! What the hell!?
Orton: It's OK, Ping-Pong. Let's just enjoy the movie.
Eenid: What you say, bitch? Oh helllllll no! You didn't just say that. Get your crewcut ass up and go pour some sh*t on that girl over there. Damn. What's wrong with you? Move it! Once this plane lands, you and me are gonna go f**k up a hotel room! Booyah!
Other Notes: Based on a true story (all except for the talking hamster thing)
This November…Who Can You Blame?
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA LASHLEY
Release Date: January 2009
Concept: None as of yet. All we know is that while there is a copyright on "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," there's no copyright on the individual words "teenage," "mutant," and "ninja." So…yeah. We figure we'd do something where Bobby turns green because he's bitten by a radioactive turtle or something.
Person on the Street: Hey. Are you a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?
Lashley: No. I'm a Teenage Mutant Ninja Lashley.
Other Notes: None. The picture says it all.
Hero in a Half Shell - BOBBY POWER!
Ric Flair is
Release: April 2009
Concept: Ric Flair plays Ric Jones, owner of a baseball factory. He spends his days and nights creating baseballs and selling them to stores. Then, one day, he's robbed by some bad guys and they kidnap his wife…and his entire supply of baseballs.
Ric Jones: (driving police car and speaking into C.B.) Hello! Hello! This is Mr. Richard Jones. I'm hot on their tail. They have a hostage…it's my wife!
Dispatch: OK, Mr. Jones. Is that all?
Ric: No. He also has my balls. Wakka-wakka-wakka! Whooo!
Other Notes: We originally chose Balls Mahoney for this role, but we haven't seen him in a while so we figured we might as well give it to Ric.
TRIPLE H: THE MOVIE
Release: July 2009 (re-released in October, November, and December as well)
Concept: What's it like to be the Game? In this, WWE's first full length documentary, we follow around Triple H so we can learn everything that makes him tick. The film contains over two hours of Hunter grooming his facial hair, giving fans the true Helmsley experience.
Scene: None, as footage hasn't been shot yet.
Other Notes: Hunter has requested that no one refer to him by his real name in the film. Not "Paul Levesque." He has no problem with being called that. He doesn't want anyone to bring up his secret real real name - Seymore Winkel.
July 2009 -
*Note: Editing Error. Should Read: "Game On!" We will work on correcting that.
Gwyneth Paltrow and The Boogeyman in
LOVE IN SPRINGTIME
Release Date: January 2010
Concept: A touching love story of a pristine socialite who falls for the last man she ever thought she would. The satanic Donnie Devil (played by Boogey) spends his nights in a cave where he eats worms. Sara Socialite (played by Paltrow) spends here nights uptown - on the right side of the tracks. What will become of a love that no one saw coming?
Other Notes: Gwyneth already signed on to do the project. We dressed up like UPS people and had her sign the contract under the impression that she was signing for a package. Ha ha. Yeah. The Boogeyman's package. That's what she was signing for. Alright!
A Wormy Romantic Comedy
Release Date: March 2010
Concept: It's the Marine only with a navy guy. Well, a horny navy guy. Copeland plays an oversexed sea-faring sailor that can't get enough of adventure and lady love.
Scene: None. We're still debating whether or not to make this a porno.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE SEAMAN?
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The Brand New Uncut Shoot Interview with Kevin Sullivan!
In today's 45 minute shoot, James Guttman and Kevin Sullivan discuss The Art of the Promo, Creating the Kevin Sullivan Character, The Trouble With Today's Booking, The Original Eugene Angle, Florida, The Real Story Behind the Brian Pillman Angle, When Chris Benoit and The Radicals Left WCW, Kevin's Plans For Them, Asking Sid to Tap Out, Ribbing Rick Steiner in Boston, Eddie Guerrero, and much more.
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Ring the bell and sound the horn, Raw is War emanates from Penn State and the announce team is thrilled as heckfire. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler know that you'll enjoy tonight's show. No time for that now, though. The enjoyment will have to wait. Let's go to John Coachman in the ring.
The Coach is standing by and he's proud to introduce... the ECW
Video Recap of all the people The Great Khali beat up. Khali only has one target in mind, though. John Cena...or, as he calls him, "JAHCEENYA!"
Crowd boos, but McMahon thinks it's impressive. Khali housed all those people in one night. One night! Bam! That man is the same man who will face John Cena at Judgment Day…The Great…
"Please do me a favor and don' t finish that last horrific line. Let me remind you, Mr. McMahon. It was the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels that was supposed to face the WWE Champion John Cena last week and let me assure you that I was gonna beat John Cena yet again and become the number one contender but The Great Khali attacked me from behind and took me out."
That's right. HBK is here and he's got ish with the notion that Khali could be number one contender. McMahon knows what Michaels wants. He wants to be named top contender. Well…
"Who, whoa. Whoa. Before you get off on a little pig trail there, let me assure you of something. You have never made me anything. For you to make me something would imply you have given me something or you have done me a favor and let me assure you Vince McMahon, you have never in all your life done anything for me. So I am here to earn whatever it is I want and I can't believe I'm about to say this… and truth be told, I officially lost it, but what I want is for right here tonight. One on one - HBK and the Great Khali."
(JG Note: Pig Trail?)
Mr. McStreme giggles and tells HBK that he's always had more guts than brains. Then again, the Chairman figures we might see your guts and brains smeared all over the arena tonight. Why? Well, you got your wish, Glitter Pants. Tonight. It's you and The Great Khali with no disqualification. Now get the hell out of here. There's more important things at hand. Namely…Mr. McMahon. The Boy Toy walks off and Vince begins to talk about the real subject on all our minds - his ECW Title reign. This cues Bobby Lashley.
"You gave Shawn what he wants. Now you give me what I want."
The problem here is that Bobby has a weird voice so that statement sounded kinda…well, creepy. Vince wasn't freaked out, though. Instead, he used the opportunity to provoke the Ninja Lashley. Why? Because if Roberto hits the chairman, he's out of the ECW Title hunt. The ol' No-Hitting Rule. That old gag. Makes no difference anyway, B.L. don't want no more of the McClan. Don't forget what happened to you at Backlash, Bobbo. Here. Let's watch another video package. Vince is not only the Champion of ECW. He's the Champion of Video Recaps. All hail the Recap King.
Video Recap of Vince McMahon winning the ECW Title at Backlash.
Mr. McChamp gloats over the footage and challenges Lashley to knock his block off. Sensing that Bob may snap, Vince turns up the heat again. Tell you what, pal. Vinnie has more things to show you. Ten hours after WrestleMania, WWE Magazine took a collector's edition cover shot. Know who was on it? The three champions. Yup. ECW, Raw, and Smackdown are all represented. One problem though, Lashley. You're on it! Ha! What a blunder! You're not the champ, anymore. VKM is. (JG Note: Not the tag team, the guy.) Here. Let's look up at the Titan Tron and see what the cover should be like…
WWE Magazine Cover Photshopped to have Vince's head on Bobby's body. It's official - Vinnie Mac loves the Photoshop, baby! Love ya too, Uncle Vince.
The Champion talks some more junk and then laughs in Bobby face before walking off. The Coach lingers behind, but only because he's an idiot. Yup. Like Dumb Alesandro Estrada, Dumb Coachman didn't realize that his name is not on the Do-Not-Kill List for Bobby. The only three name son that list are Vince, Shane, and Umaga. That's it. No one else. Lashley reminds Johnathon of this by pulling him back into the ring and beating the ever-loving snot out of him. He tosses John all around, chokes him with a cable, and Spears him to the ground.
Note to anyone not on Bob's List: Don’t' accompany Mr. McMahon to the ring.Segment was pretty basic. The gist here was the end of Rocky V. Touch me and I'll sue. Come on, punk. Touch me and I'll sue. The only difference here is that Rocky beat up George Washington Duke's lackey instead.
Sue me for what? YAY!
Backstage, Mickie James walks in on Candice Michele, who's topless. Dang it, don't ya know it, her back is facing the camera though. Candice asks Mickie to help her snap her bra shut and M.J. obliges. It's all good, though. After all, they're teammates. That's what partners do, right? Yeah. Sounds good until you start to wonder if the male tag teams do the same thing. Hey Trevor! Come over here and help me slide this cup into the little pouch here. Come on, buddy. Get in there. We're teammates! Yee-haw!
1. Candice Michele and Mickie James defeated Melina and Victoria when Candice pinned Melina
It's pretty funny, but during this match all four women really did some solid wrestling. It almost made you think that WWE was looking to breed respect for the diva division…until you remember that before the match the two baby faces did a lesbian tease. Hard to figure out what direction they want to go here. Are they sex symbols or wrestlers? The announcers kept trying to sell the improvements that Candy has been making, but it was hard to really take her seriously. The worst thing of all is that even though the females are performing very well, the crowd still doesn't react to them. It's just the way that the audience is being trained to react to female wrestling. Treat the divas like sex objects in one segment, then as wrestlers in the next and of course the fans won't react with much respect. It is what it is. It's like showing your audience two midgets reenacting the Oompa Loompa scene from Willie Wonka and then putting them into a one hour Iron Man midget match right after and wondering why no one's cheering. It's just counterproductive. Anyway, this one ends with Michele getting the pinfall on the Women's Champion. The Go Daddy Girl takes another step closer to the top of the ladder.
Up next: It's'a me! Santino!
Commercial Break. Don't smoke weed. You'll disappoint your dog. If that makes any sense to you at all…you're smoking too much weed.
2. WWE Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella pinned Chris Masters with a roll-up
Santino Marella is a huge throwback and the gimmick going into this one was that it was our chance to see if he's worthy to be IC Champion. Ross and Lawler referenced how he had been critiqued for Lashley's interference, but is now out to prove himself. King said that while Santino was a fairy tale, it might not have a happy ending in WWE. Luckily for Santa, he was able to hold his own against the Masterpiece. The new Champion took his lumps, but came back with some dropkicks and a neck breaker. When Masters ran in on Marella in the corner, he missed and hit the ring post. Chris stumbled and Tino rolled him up for the pin. Dinga, dinga, dinga. Nothing special, but not as bad as you might expect.
Still to come: The Boy Toy vs. The Giant Man. Also, The Marine vs. That F**kin' Hamster!
Cue Mr. Kennedy.
Yeah. He works for WWE.
But this is Raw. He's on Smackdown.
Ken Kennedy is here and Mr. K is going no further than the top of the ramp. The mic drops and he reminds fans that we're merely 300-something days away from WrestleMania 24...the day that the Money in the Bank title shot gets used…and the day that we crown a new World Champion in the form of Mr. Kennedy….
…wait for it…
…cough, cough - excuse me…
In the Event Center, Maria has been given the task of interviewing Randy Orton. The Legend Killer tells Captain Dimwitty that he's ready for Cena. In fact, Orton himself requested this match tonight. Yeah. Tonight Randy gets his career and his "life" back together again. (WWE Note: That'll stir up some smarky debate. Ha! Type away on your porn machines, plebeians! Hee Hee! Next segment we should have Jim Ross make some sort of backhanded remark about Randy Savage and the Hall of Fame. That'll make all their smarky little heads completely explode!)
Commercial Break. I'm looking forward to 28 Weeks Later. Michael from Lost is in it. That's a relief. I was worried that Ben only lied about letting him leave the island. Now that I know he was able to make a movie, I know he's OK. Phew. Haven't heard anything from Walt though…
Robbie. Rory. Thanks for coming here. We're thinking about changing your gimmick.
OK, Mr. McMahon. What are we doing?
OK. Now what are we gonna do?
3. Umaga defeated the Highlanders in a handicap match
Wow. This was just. Wow. Umaga beat up both men and then put them in a 69 position before body splashing them both for the pin. Ouch. When you're a good guy and you're booked to be put in a 69 position with your partner before one guy kills you both, then I'd say you're pretty screwed. At least La Resistance were heels when Batista sodomized them with a flagpole. (JG Note: I can't believe I can reference Batista sodomizing La Resistance in the confines of a wrestling discussion.) This was just…ouch. It got over the Samoan Bulldozer, which was the point. Granted, the Highlanders didn't look good as a result of this match…but I don't really think that matters at all.
Condemned Video Package: Seven people in the United States saw this movie. Were you one of them? Find out what those seven people are talking about! Go see the Condemned today.
Commercial Break. Shrek the Third? He has a grandson?
Tomorrow night on ECW: Vince McMahon vs. Rob Van Dam. Not too many matches rhyme like that, huh?
In the bowels of Penn State University, a storm is brewing between Mr. Money in the Bank and the R Rated Superstar. Edge tells Mr. Kennedy that he's not a fighting Money in the Banker. No way. When Copeland held that case, he defended it against all comers. You? You're a punk-ass punk ass! Ken stops Adam right there. Chill, Canadian Dry. Kenny will defend that briefcase against you. Then, come WrestleMania, we'll have a new World Champ and his name is Mr.
4. The Great Khali defeated Shawn Michaels via referee's decision
Shawn Michaels started things off quickly and memorably. He hopped aboard the Khali train and pummeled his giant foe with punches as he laid, tied-up, in the ropes. When the Great One finally rebounded, he showed off his power by slamming Shawn to the ground with one arm. Seeing the situation's bleakness, HBK ran from the ring and grabbed a chair. When he returned, TGK took a shot to the head and laid on the mat while the Boy Toy climbed the ropes and hit his elbow. Rather than seizing the moment, the Rocker chose to tune up his foot for some Sweet Chin Music. Guess what? He didn't hit it. Lord Khaliflower grabbed the flying foot and chopped Shawn down to the mat. After some more offense, Great found himself on the defense. Michaels fingered him in the eye and then choked him on the ropes. This all lead to the big spot. HBK cleared off the announce table, stood on a chair and attempted to DDT his opponent onto it. Khali blocked the attempt and followed up with a table spot of his own. He lifted Michaels in the Tree Slam and smashed him through the table with it. Some fans chanted, "Holy Shit" because they wanted to hear their own voices on TV while the referee called for the bell. Apparently he felt that Shawn could no longer continue, which was lame. No reason the Great Khali couldn't just roll him into the ring and get a pin. The match itself wasn't bad, though. Then again, most of the credit goes to one party. Either way, a good match is a good match, no matter how many of the participants made it so.Commercial Break. WWE WrestleMania 23 - The Ultimate Special Edition. Why is it called "The Ultimate?" Because it hates gay people.
Backstage Todd Grisham is standing by with WWE Champion John Cena. He asks the Champion how he feels about the fact that Great Khali would be facing him at Judgment Day. Cena mocks the Grishmeister for asking stupid questions. How would you feel if a giant man that "talks like Charlie Brown's teacher" wanted to fight you? Not good, right? Well, duh. That's how John feels. Orton wants some tonight, but he's gonna learn a lesson. Then, at Judgment Day, the world will know that the only great thing about Khali is the "skid marks he leaves in the toilet." Well, that's just grand, John.
From here we go to the Homeboys Shopping Network from In Living Color. This time around, it's being "covered" by Cryme Tyme. They tell you all the things you can get your mother for Mother's Day and then shoot to footage of the people they stole it from. It went like this:
1. Get your momma a beefsteak sandwich
Viscera is shown preparing to pour A1 on his beefsteak sandwich. But when he removes the cover to his platter, the platter is bare. Oh no. He better go sexually assault someone. That'll cheer him up. Chin up, horny guy.
2. Get your momma some medication.
Eugene is shown going crazy (and growing back hair) backstage.
3. Get your momma a Hummer (JG Note: As in the vehicle - ya perv.)
Ron Simmons discovers that his Hummer is missing. He responds by saying the word that he says whenever he gets angry.
No, Ron! The word you say when you're on camera! Not the one you say in real life!
"Oh. Sorry. I forgot! Fiddlesticks! OK….ready? Ahem…DAMN!"
Think the segment's over? Nope. Out of nowhere, "Spiderman" runs in. It's a big fat guy (probably Big Dick Johnson) in a tight Spidey costume. JTG and Shad call him "Tubby McGuire" before beating him with a baseball bat. Why do they resent Spiderman so much? What? I said why do they resent Spiderman so much? What? Peter Parker? What? Toby McGuire? What? Made a lot of money. What? What? What? Eh eh!Commercial Break. PSP - Dude, Get Your Own. Screw that. It's more like - Dude, Get Me One.
5. WWE Tag Team Champions The Hardy Boys defeated The World's Greatest Tag Team when Jeff pinned Charlie Haas.
Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade did commentary again. Also, Jim Ross got a chance to have another one of his famous Fruity Skittles Orgasms. It wasn't a bad match, but it wasn't too hard to guess the ending. The Hardys got a chance to show what they could do. Haas (JG Note: The first guest ever on Radio Free Insanity. That show and over 60 others are up on ClubWWI.com) and Benjamin got a chance to rejoice that they're not the Highlanders. Cade and Murdoch got a chance to continue to play the are-they-fake-nice or real-nice gimmick. Once Jeff hit the Swanton Bomb on Chucky and got a pinfall, Lance and Trevor sprang into action.
Once again, the Cowboys offered their hands in friendship. With Jerry Lawler anticipating a Cadedoch beat down, the Hardy Boys accepted the handshake. Then…nothing happened. The heels continued to smile and stated, "That's all we wanted." Hmmm. That's it? That's all they wanted? They just wanted to touch your hands? Creepy. It would be less disturbing if they just attacked them. No worries, Jeff and Matt. We don't wanna fight ya. We just wanna touch ya.
Last week, Ric Flair was served his punk card by Carlito Cool. The world was shocked over this seven month long, drawn-out, played-out, tired, over-teased attack.
Carlito is speed walking to the ring. What does Fuzzy have to say? We'll find out…next!
Snitsky Video Package. Why? No clue.
Carlito is here with Torrie Wilson and he's no happy Appleboy. No. He's pissed! How can Ric Flair talk to him the same way each week? He would tell Carl to "grow." How? How can he grow? You kept screwing him, Ric! You screwed Carly out of the Money in the Bank! You screwed him out of tag team wins! You want to see passion, bee-otch? Well, Cool showed you passion last week. He'll show you more this week! The King mentions how WWE.com announced that Flair wouldn't be at Raw tonight, but Coolio doesn't care about that stuff. He challenges Naitch to come to the ring and face the music.
…Ric doesn't show up. That's fine with Afro Joe. That's fine. He doesn't have to kill Flair. He can kill someone else who the Nature Boy cares about. You know. Someone like...Torrie Wilson. Uh oh. With that, Carlito goes off on a Spanish tirade and Wilson, scared for her safety, scurries out of the ring. Cool continues his non-English monologue before throwing his microphone to the ground in disgust. Turning bad makes you forget languages.
English? Tha's nah cool.
More Condemned Propaganda. They claim that the film raises a deep pressing issue that we should all examine in regards to the world around us about reality TV and violence. Yeah. . Deep stuff. If anyone reading this is studying for a PHD, I'd dare you to do your thesis on it. I double-dare you.
Commercial Break. I really want to hit the Berries and Cream pixie man in the face. Does that make me a bad person?
Tomorrow Night: Van Dam. McMahon. Can-Can. Ram Man. Tam Tams.
6. Edge defeated Ken Kennedy to win the Money in the Bank Title Contract
Lately Edge has been really responsible for a shift in booking. He plays the heel, but fights other heels. Considering that WWE has gone back to "the tired formula of good guys versus bad guys" in the last few years, it's a pretty fresh change of pace. While Kennedy was a heel at the start of the match, he's apparently a good guy now. Copeland attacked him before the bell and left him laying after a TV monitor shot to the head. The referee offered Ken the chance to quit, but he refused. Ken Ken ordered the official to ring the bell. When he did, Adam ran in for a Spear and scored a pin. Click. Click. Boom. Just like that.
After the official word, The R Rated Superstar smashed his newly won briefcase over Mr. K's noggin. Kennedy has lost his Money in the Bank Shot. He's been beaten senseless on Raw. Seeing all this, Jerry Lawler figures that Ken will probably look back on alll this and regret this night. Oh…uh, ya think?
Commercial Break. Good idea. Eat Taco Bell before jumping out of a plane. If that doesn't make you soil yourself, nothing will.
Back from the break and it's time for us to feel bad for Ross and Lawler. They have no announce table because The Great Khali put Shawn Michaels through it. That sick bastard. How do you sleep at night, Khali? Huh? How do you just go about your life after the pain you cause? Sleeping in your giant bed, smelling the blood of Englishmen, and growing broccoli? Don't you have a conscience? Huh? How do you do it?
What? That's not real, Randy! You don't have five.
Yes, I do. R.K.O.J.J.
No. Doesn't count. You made it up. Has to be real - used in a match. I got four letters. I win.
Fine, John. Whatever….ya jerk.
7. Randy Orton defeated John Cena via countout…I think
It's so weird that Randy Orton has turned the chinlock into his own personal signature spot. When I think of chinlocks, I think of Randy. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Anyway, Randall made sure to hook the ol' Chinlock of Doom on early. John Cena didn't stay in it for long, though. He powered his way out and responded with his special move with masturbatory undertones, the Five Knuckle Shuffle. It didn't get him a pin. Nope. Instead, it signaled the Great Khali.
The Great One showed up and walked to ringside where he grabbed the WWE Title. With the belt in hand, Khali walked up the ramp while John could do nothing more than complain. Orton pulled him back into the ring and the Champion responded with his STFU. Randy reached the ropes and the referee forced the Marine to break. J.C. complied…but then chose to chase the title-stealer. He sprang from the ring and attacked the Giant.
Khali took his hamhock and coldcocked the Champion with his own title belt. Cena fell to the ground while T.G.K. stared at the spinny title. Is this a sign of things to come? Shades of foreshadowing perhaps as we fade to black.
All in all…Tough to say. Depends on whether or not you like the direction the show's going really.
If you hate Khali, well then you weren't too happy. There was a lot of him. He had a good match with Shawn Michaels. Then again, my refrigerator could have a good match with Shawn Michaels.
It was also a good night for Edge. Copeland took Ken Kennedy's Money in the Bank Title Shot. Crazy. Given that Ken had said he'd use the shot at Mania, there's plenty of time for Copeland to be a fly in his ointment.
Randy Orton's claim that this match would get his life in order seemed silly when it only went about four minutes. Nothing really happened and Orton's involvement was incidental. The real focus was on Cena-Khali. Randy could have been Val Venis for all anyone cared.
It definitely wasn't a great episode of Raw, but it wasn't bad either. Given the last few weeks, it's hard to continue with momentum like that. Tonight's show wasn't about in-ring action. It was more about advancing conflicts and moving characters up the ladder (Khali, Candice, Umaga, etc).
That's it for me, guys. Be sure to check out the Kevin Sullivan shoot and all the other stuff up at ClubWWI.com. Be well and thanks for sharing the Insanity.
|© 2005-2007 All content contained here Copyright 2006 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion.|