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JG's 5/14 Raw Insanity: We Thought We Knew Him - Edge Says Goodbye, Michaels Says Ouch

By James Guttman
May 15, 2007, 00:34


Entertainment Idol!

Entertainment Idol...Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are on stage with Cindy Darly...

Jim Ross:  Welcome back, everybody. This is good ol' J.R. and I'm standing by here with the King. We're live on NBC with WWE's all new and completely original singing talent reality show, Entertainment Idol. Before we went to break, Cindy Darly sang "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers.  Remember, you can vote for her at the end of the show by calling either of her two phone numbers.

Jerry Lawler: Woo-hoo! I wish she'd give me her two numbers, J.R.!

J.R.: Easy, Uncle Jerry. Before we give out those numbers, let's go down to our judges. First up, the new World Champion, Edge.

Edge: Thanks, J.R. Hey, Cindy.

Cindy: Hi.

Edge: You know, I think…God, you're cute. Step back. Let me take a look at you.

Cindy: Uh…ok.

Cindy takes a step back.

Edge: Mmmm. You know what I would do to you?

Cindy: I'm 16.

Edge pauses for a moment.

Edge: Well then. I'm done speaking.  The end.

Lawler: (confused) I don't get it. What's the problem with 16?

J.R.: Easy, Uncle Jerry.

Lawler: (angry) Stop calling me Uncle Jerry! I'm not your Uncle!

J.R.: But you had sex with my aunt.

Lawler: I know, but I didn't marry your aunt. Geez, J.R.

J.R.: Point taken, King. You're a total playa.

Cindy: Um, excuse me? What the hell is going on?

J.R.:  Shut up.  Let's go to our next judge. WWE Raw's own Shawn Michaels.

Shawn Michaels: Thank you. Thank you. You know, Cindy, sometimes a girl's gotta sing and sometimes a girl's gotta fight. I see you standing up there. I watch you sing your song. Having done all that, I can stand here…as a man…look you in the eyes and tell you that The Heartbreak Kid can dance all over your face because the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels answers to a higher authority. The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels is simply the Icon! The Showstoppa! The Main Event! And that's a fact, Jack!

Cindy: (confused) Does that mean you liked it?

Shawn: You know, Cindy, the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Micahels knows what he likes. Sometimes you gotta like something that you need to like because to be a man, you gotta know when to fight and when to fight like a man, Jack. Because the Heartbreak Kid…

(As Shawn continues speaking, J.R. leans in and whispers to Cindy)

J.R.: You had to ask him? You couldn't just leave it alone? He's going to be going on like this for an hour now.

Cindy: I'm sorry.

J.R.: You will be.  I'm gonna kill you.

Cindy: What?

Shawn finishes speaking and spotlight returns to the stage.

J.R.: (smiling and speaking into the microphone) Ah ha haI said, let's go to our final judge. From ECW Tuesday Night, it's…Rob Van Dam. Rob, what do you think of Cindy?

Meet the judges.

Rob Van Dam: Yo, Cindy. What's going on?

Cindy: Not much, Rob. How are you?

RVD: Yo. I'm good. I'm good.

Rob slowly nods his head…for five minutes straight. He stares straight ahead with a blank look on his face.

Lawler: Rob, you with us?

RVD: (suddenly alert) Yo. Hey. Sorry. Spaced there for a second. Did I miss the bus?

J.R: Right. Not sure what that means. Anyway, what did you think of Cindy, Rob?

RVD: Oh. Yo, Cindy. What's going on?

Cindy: Nothing. How are you?

RVD: True, dat. I hear you. So what's up? You gonna sing a song?

Cindy: I sang one before, Rob.

Lawler: She just sang her song, Rob.

RVD: (surprised) Oh. Snap. How was it? Good?

Lawler: This is ridiculous. I guess we should just show the phone numbers.

Cindy: Well, that was stupid.

J.R.: Young lady, those comments weren't stupid. They were valuable learning experiences. Most importantly, they were brought to you by fruity, fruity, delicious, fruity, fruity, friggin' fruity, you son-of-a-bitch they're so f**kin' FRUITY, SO FRUITY YOU COULD JUST GO CRAZY, FRUITY…

Enraged and screaming, Jim Ross grabs Cindy by the throat.



Lawler: (concerned) Hey. J.R. Chill man. Chill.

Ross lets go and slumps to the ground in tears.

J.R.: (rocking back and forth) They're fruity, King. Oh God. They're just so fruity. Sometimes I just can't take it.

Lawler: (putting his arm on Jim' shoulder) I know, J.R. I know.

RVD: Yo! Did I win?

Lawler: Win what?

RVD: The game. I didn't get any Whammies. Edge and Shawn lose.

Lawler: Sure. Whatever. Remember folks, you can vote for Cindy by calling either of her two numbers.  Don't forget, lines don't open until the show ends, Mike The Miz will be out here once all the performers have gone to read the numbers you can call. Great. That should go well. In the meantime, let's go to a commercial while we take care of Jim Ross here. Roll the ads.

J.R.: They're just so fruity. So fruity. So fruity. So fruity. So fruity…..

Fruity as hell. Members, Check Out -

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Before a single word is spoken, the opening bars of John Cena's "Shabadoo Anthem" ring out and he comes to the ring. John is sans title and Jim Ross, alongside Jerry Lawler, explains that Great Khali is the current possessor of the WWE strap. Mind you, Khali didn't win it. He stole it "like a thief in the night." That doesn't deter the Champion, who speaks slowly.

"I was just announced as the WWE Champion, but as you can see, I don't have the WWE Title. The WWE Title is in the hands of the Great Khali. Last week, during a match I had with Randy Orton, he just, uh, he came down and he took it and he left. He left and I couldn't stop him. I was knocked out in a pool of my own blood. I felt helpless. I was embarrassed and humiliated. Don't get me wrong. Ain't the first time I've been humiliated. Hell, I come down the ramp every week and there's always a group of you telling me I suck. What I'm saying is this is different 'cause regardless of how you feel about me, ever person out there knows I have a tremendous amount of pride and respect for his business and most of all for the WWE Championship. And he just took it. I can make any excuse that I want. Heck, he's seven foot five. He's 450 pounds. You guys know me better than that. I've been in the ring with giants. I've been in the ring with super heavyweights. I've been face to face with the baddest human beings on the planet. The thing about Khali, it's like he's not even human."
- John Cena

From there, John goes on to list Great Khali's resume in detail, explaining how awesome he is. It's as if Cena is Ron Popeil and Khali is his Rotisserie Grill. I get it, Johnny. Never been beat. Big guy. I get it. I get it. He's a tough one that Great Khali.

Now that we get why Khali is so awesome, we can understand John's point. He's the WWE Champion and he is capable of chopping the Great One down to size especially when his title is on the line. Now Greaty, you got something that The Marine wants back right now! You got the spinny gold! Get your gigantic butt out here right now!

Great Khali shows up...but on the Titan Tron. He has the WWE Title on his shoulder and his new translator an Indian Tony Danza Rajah (JG Note: Maybe Ronald? Rava? Rah-rah? Not sure. Hard to make out) Singh by his side. After introducing himself, Singh turns the floor over to Lord Khaliflower. What follows is the basic blubberish that he always speaks. This time around, we get a translation and a video package. Nice. Two fer. Rajah explains that Kal said that he has accomplished many things in the last few weeks. In fact, here. Watch this movie. It'll explain everything.

Great Khali Kills People: The Mini Movie

Back from the video, Khali blah-blahs some more and we learn that he plans on winning the title at Judgment Day. With that, he steps back, does the Rock's "Just Bring It" hand gesture and his interpreter tells the belt-less Champion that Gonzalez has said, "Want some? Come get some."

Cena responds by going to get some.

When he trots to the backstage area, John comes across Giagantor and his new Daivari chatting it up. Upon seeing Cena's arrival, Singh freaks out and runs away. Silly him. Dr. Thuggy ain't no challenge for the 10th Wonder of the World. (JG Note: Andre had 8. Chyna had 9. I'm sure there was may have been another 10 at some point, but I can't remember who, so screw it.) Khali whipped the Champ soundly and sent him to bed. After weapons and punches, the Great One finally put Johnny down for the count with a vicious two handed choke. The Champ is here dead.

Commercial Break. Verizon has a "Music Hunter" phone now. When you hear a song, you can hold the phone up and it will retrieve the information on the song. I gotta get one of those things just so I can sing into it and totally mess with its microchip mind. That's what my life has come down to. Tormenting electronic devices.

Before the commercials, Great Khali choked John Cena to death.

1. Jeff Hardy pinned Trevor Murdoch with an inside cradle

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler addressed the ever elusive "Why are Murdoch and Cade suddenly challengers" questions. Ross and Jerry both seem to think that the duo saw the light when they were given the opportunity for gold. According to the King, they figured out that wrestling the Hardys was "the way to go." (JG Note: That must be it. They didn't realize that fighting Bob Slob and Reno Riggins on Heat wasn't as good for their careers as fighting the tag champs on Raw? It took them a year and change to figure that out? Dagnabbit!) Before we can think too hard, the match comes to a sudden close. Jeff Hardy, out of nowhere, rolls up Trevor and scores the one, two, three.

After the bell, Lance Cade ran into the ring with his JBL hat and things looked ready to pop off the chain…or whatever the kids say. Well, guess what? Nope. No chain popping. None. Instead, the "heels" extend their hands once again. After getting the handshake from Matt and Jeff, Murdoch and Cade leave the ring. No harm. No foul. Lawler and Ross seem to think this new found sportsmanship of Garrison and Trev is "a breath of fresh air."  Fresh air?  Nah.  To be honest, I think their strong desire to touch the Hardys' hands all the time is a bit creepy, personally.

Still to come: Edge's Farewell Address. Also, ECW's Bobby Lashley takes on John Coachman. Even though Bobby's actually on ECW,  he wrestles on Raw because he keeps accidentally coming to work a day early all the time.

Weird Japanese Women's Wrestling/Car Commercial Break.

Snitsky Vignette. I miss the old Snitsky. The one that kicked dolls into the audience. That Snitsky was awesome. This one is lame.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler explain the situation a bit more. Why are these vignettes playing? Could Snits be on his way to Raw? Ross knows that he's a remorseless individual. Considering that Gene Snitsky had been on Raw for like two years up until a few months ago, I'm not that impressed by J.R.'s trivia tidbits on him. Anyway, enough about Gene. Let's go to the Samoan, the Coachman, and the Dancing Queen.

Umaga, The Coach, and Shane McMahon are all chewing the fat over tonight's shindig. Get it done, Coachy. You can take Lashley out. Little Mac runs down Coachman's accomplishments and convinces him that he has a chance. No fear. You'll have Shane-o Insane-o and the Bulldozer backing you up. Not only that, but you'll have…in his white do-rag…Vincent "Extreme Champion" McMahon! Vinnie Mac arrives witha  smile on his face, but seems to get some hard looks from The Samoan McSlave when does.

Cue Santino Marella.

That weeble-wobble looking Boriqua guy?

That's Savio Vega.

Oh yeah.

2. Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella pinned Chris Masters with a sunset flip

Santino is from New Jersey now. He's in Patterson. (JG Note: In the 80s, that last sentence would explain why Marella was a titleholder in the company.) Kinda weird that we get two Masters-Santino matches in a row. That seems to be a Masterpiece calling-card. He wrestles people over and over again. He doesn't have a few matches with Carlito, he has a hundred. He doesn't wrestle Super Crazy a couple of times. He wrestles him a million times. Its what he does. Despite Santa's win last week, the commentators still sell him as a massive underdog. Well, Under Dog flew high today. Thanks to a Sunset Flip, Marella claimed a pinfall victory over the Narcissist.

As the blaring operatic theme song of Santino played out, Masters went on the attack. He locked the lovable Chef Boy-R-Tino in his patented Full Nelson Lock. With the match over, the referee had no bargaining chip and could do nothing more than stand by and watch the Intercontinental Champion flail around in pain.

Still to come: Oh Edge. Tell us a lie and say that you won't go. Look in our eyes and hold us, even though…we rea-a-lize, you have to walk away. No more yesterday…

Also, Lashley-Coach. Yay.

Commercial Break. Ozzie Osborne is coming to Smackdown. He probably doesn't realize it. He'll think he's at the zoo.

3. Candice Michele pinned Victoria after a running heel kick

Melina did commentary here and she should have done it a long time ago. She really worked nicely and didn't beat you over the head with her hellish tendencies. When Candice walked up the aisle, all she said was, "Ew." It made me laugh. During the match, Victoria faced many obstacles. First, she chose to wear a visor. Smart move. Let me ask you, Vicki, would a lady that ain't one to mess with be silly enough to wear a hat in a match? Huh? Of course not. Michele used the visor to her advantage and covered Toria's eyes with it. Had to see that pun intended.  When the bout finally came to a close, it was Candy getting the pinfall. Once the count was made, she stood up and looked to the Women's Champion at the announce table. The GoDaddy girl signified to Mel that she would soon have the Women's Title on her waist. Sarcastically, Lina said that Michele was merely pointing out that she had belly fat. Meow. You know, with her new lighter hair color and face, Candice is starting to look a lit like Trish lately.  Maybe they're hoping we won't notice.

Commercial Break. Ding dong! Wii would like to play. Uh, I don't know who Wii is, but who told him where I live?

Edge's music hits and the R Rated Superstar arrives. Jim Ross slips up and says that  he made sure to watch Smackdown last week because of his title win, quickly adding, "I watch Smackdown every week." Yup. Gotcha, Jim. Me too.

(JG Note: Here's a quick trivia note. When I interviewed Christian Cage - available on  - he said that he wished that he and Edge could have been World Champions at the same time. He mentioned it again in his TNA Conference Call - also available at Last week, for a few days, they were. Cage was NWA or TNA or TWA Champion at the time and Copeland was Smackdown World Champion…whatever that boils down to lineage-wise.  So it finally happened.    On a side note, remember when the champions were easy to figure out? Flair. Hogan. The end. Now it's nine people and all their titles bleed into each other somehow. Ugh.)

The new SmackWorld Champion, Edge, takes to the ring and quickly shows us all the reason for his big celebration. Watch this video. It's sweet. It's of your Horndog Hero defeating the Undertaker for the title belt. Here. Grab some popcorn and check this out.

Video of Edge Defeating Undertaker for the Smackdown World Title. Wham. Bam. Thank you, Dead Man.

You know, Adam Copeland thought about giving you all a goodbye match on Raw, but doesn't feel he can. First, you fans don't deserve it. Secondly, Great Khali has left the building (JG Note: Bada-boom-ching.) As for the Smackdown Title's future, well now that the American Dead Ass is out of action, Edge can focus his attention on the next challenger…David Batista. Tista, Adam will check you at Judgment Day. Come J.D., you're gonna burn like V.D. Giggidy, giggidy, eh!

His theme plays, but before Edgar can leave the scene, the Heartbreak Music interrupts and his fellow Entertainment Idol judge, Shawn Micahels, arrives. HBK tells the new Champion to do us all a favor and "just leave." Copeland tells him to shut his face. You talk about getting beat up by Great Khali? Huh? You have a concussion or whatever?  Huh?  Well, T.F.B., beeotch. Adam says that you showed your face and now it's time to get it beaten in. Edge's Raw fans want a match tonight. Right? Well, Edgy will do just that. He'll do it against you. Concussion or no concussion, Shawn, it's you vs. Rated R…tonight.  Take some Aleve, punk.

Todd Grisham, ace reporter, is standing by back in the Event Center with Bobby Lashley. Talk to us, Bobbi. What's going on? Before Lashley can begin his promo, Shane McMahon arrives. Little Mac mocks the Blaster Man and shows no fear. Why? Because Shane-o's name is on Bobert's Do-Not-Kill List. He can't lay a finger on him, his dad, or Umaga. Ha. Shane-o Insane-o waves his finger in Bob's face and does the little kid-like "Not touching you" game. After doing his best to make the former ECW Champion flinch, the McSon heads off. After all, he's got things to do. The Lashley-Coachman Classic is up next.

Commercial Break. Don't miss the June issue of WWE Magazine. There's an article about Kenny Dykstra in it.

Ding, ding, ding.  It's go time.  First up is Vince McMahon, who's white do-rag looks ridiculous. With his pointy skull, he looks like a Conehead. Even Lawler noticed it. Must consume mass quantities. .Meps. Meps…..

Next up is John Coachman. You know, Shane McMahon used to be the guy they'd humiliate on TV in order to sell us Vince getting humiliated on PPV. Now, with so many pay-per-views, Coach is the guy who gets humiliated on TV, so they can sell Shane getting humiliated on PPV... which is used to sell a bigger PPV where Vince gets humiliated. One day, when Coach has been around for a while, they'll hire a guy to get humiliated to buildup Coach getting humiliated on PPV and so on. It's a never-ending chain. Anyway, Coachman arrives and there's one more person who needs to show up. Let's get him.

Hey, Bobby. You ready to have a career moment?

Sure thing, Stephanie.

Tonight you and Coach are going 60 minutes. We're giving you time to put on a classic.


Yeah. We have faith in you. Make history, Bob.

Oh my God. No!

Dude. Dude. Don't worry. It's not hard. We have faith in you and Jonathon.

Oh no! No!

Are you scared, Bobby? Bobby! Are you scared?

Yes! Yes!

Good. Dude. You're on Fear Factor. Look over there. See that. There's a camera.

Oh, you guys! You guys! Ah ha ha! Where's Donald? He put you up to this?

5. Bobby Lashley pinned Jonathon Coachman after a Spear.

Duh, of course. What else did you expect?

After the bell, Shane McMahon and Umaga ran in and attacked Bobby. Now that they have physically provoked him, Bob is free to retaliate. He tosses Shane from the ring and endures some punches from the Samoan Monster. However, when Maggie ran in for his Rikishi Butt Bump, Lash ducked away and Speared him to the ground. Seeing the ECW Champion standing on the apron, Bobert turned his attention to him. He chased Vince from the ring and sprinted around the ring…

…but was taken down by Shane, who appeared to be hiding. VKM darted off and Lash shook his weary head. Despite the momentary setback, Bobbo got back to his feet and chased Little Mac through the crowd and into the back of the arena. Shane-o sprinted to his daddy's waiting limo, jumped onto the top of it, and scurried through the sunroof before it screeched away. Looks like Robert Lashley will have to wait another day to get his hands on the McMahon Fam…


Out of left field, Vince McMahon runs in and clocks the former Champ in the head with his Extreme title. Bobbo falls to the ground and the chairman smiles, happy with the thought of injuring one of the athletes who work for him. 

Still to come: "Our Main Event" - Edge vs. Shawn Michaels. Hey. They just made that match in the last segment. What would have happened if that match didn't happen? There wouldn't have been anything in the main event. Just dead air? I guess they could have played some Condemned documentary clips or Ico Pro commercials or something. Don't have to worry about that stuff. Lucky for us, Edge and Shawn decided to wrestle. Phew.

Commercial Break. I'm thinking Arby's…is greasy.

Before the break, Mr. McMahon made Bobby Lashley think he left, but he really didn't leave. Instead he stayed behind and slammed his title into Bobby's face. He then ran off to eat some fiberglass and beer. Meps. Mmmmmeps!

6. Carlito pinned Val Venis after the BackStabber

Now that the Two HorseApples have finally split up, Carl-Ric has been added to Judgment Day.  Just thought I'd mention it.  So, check it out.  Val Venis is on TV! Nice. I wonder if he thought he was on Punk'd when they first told him. Anyway, Carlito may have lost a mentor, but he gained new trunks. Clad in apple-green, Afro Joe took the Big Valbowski down at the onset but found himself close to defeat on a few occasions. It all almost came to an uncool end when Venis went for his Money Shot. Carly managed to avoid the sure-loss and score a pinfall of his own. After his Backcracker, which Lawler said was renamed the "Backstabber," Coolio scored a three count victory. Ha. He spits in the face of people who don't stab other people in the back with their knees.

Following the bell, Ric Flair's music played and the Nature Boy arrived.  He ran to the ring, but Carlito had another appointment.  He quickly high-tailed it through the crowd and avoided Slick Ric's crazy old wrath.

In another section of the world, Shawn Micahels is stretching his legs. (JG Note: Or, as Shawn calls them, leather holders.) Randy Orton walks in, stares the Boy Toy up and down, and informs him of the deal. Listen, Shawn, Randall can beat you. No problem. If you want to prove the Legend Killer wrong, do it at Judgment Day. Michaels likes that idea and agrees. With that said, HBK takes his leave and prepares for his battle tonight with Edge - the wrestler, not the guy in U2.

Commercial Break. You know what I noticed this week? No Berries and Cream Lad.  That sucks.

Earlier tonight, Mumbles McKenzie (Great Khali) spit out a Rocky Maivia-like challenge to John Cena. when the Champion attacked, Khali strangled him into unconciousness. (WWE Note: Don't try this at home, kids. But...if you do, say that you thought it up on your own. Don't blame Great Khali. If you do, we're sending him after you. Seriously. Don't snitch. We have ways of dealing with snitchers.)

Judgment Day is on Sunday. Of course it is. It's a Sunday. Why wouldn't there be a wrestling company that wants my money?

Retro Commercial Break.

7. Shawn Michaels pinned Edge after Sweet Chin Music

This one started off pretty slow and started with more than 20 minutes left in the show. Piggybacking off of his week-old concussion, the gimmick here was that Shawn was completely out of it, but still continued on. He didn't care that he had a family or that he was doing long-term damage to himself, Michaels wouldn't give up. In other words, he stole Mick Foley's gimmick. It got pretty intense at some points with a panting Michaels seeming to drift in and out of awareness as the referee continuously checked to see if he wanted to quit. Edge took full advantage of every opportunity to attack the Boy Toy's Heartbreak Head and couldn't believe it each time he kicked out. HBK's dazed conversations with the ref were usually pretty audible, but I think that was part of the plan. It added a realistic factor to it all. My only worry was that they would redo that Owen Hart spot that Shawn did in the mid-90s. You remember. Pose. Stumble. Hold head. Pass out. End show. They didn't though. Instead, the Rocker, with his head all hazy, managed to stage brief comebacks. To the crowd's delight, the stumbling Showstoppa gained his second wind and waged an offense. Despite being off-balance, Kid Heartbreak climbed the ropes, hit the elbow, nailed some  Sweet Chin Music…and pinned the Champion. That's right. The Concussed Boy Toy has defeated the Smackdown Champ.

Shocked over the turn of events, the announcers quickly took us to an instant replay. While we watched it, Randy Orton ran in. He attacked The Head Ache Kid and pounded him about the face, neck, chest, and head. With Shawn down and out like Michael Hayes at an open-bar wedding, Randy stood above him and stared with his crazy eyes as we fade to black.

All in OK show.  Not bad, but not great.

Edge's final night on Raw is sort of a big deal. I'll miss having him on the show, but Smackdown is the place for him. Once you-know-who with all the face hair comes home, Mr. Copeland is screwed. Friday night is the place for him.

Not sure how the Michaels win ties into the whole thing, if at all. It's definitely something to bring up down the line…or right now. That's the question. Will Shawn's victory over the newly crowned champion of the other brand become an issue immediately or later on, when we're not paying attention? If anything, WWE did what they could to deflect the issue already. As soon as the match ended, Randy's attack made the story become Orton-Michaels. It's a good move on their part and way to put a title match on the backburner until you need it.

Santino Marella's whole act is lame. I really can't get into it. Isn't Umaga mad at him? Doesn't he want to kill him? I don't get it. He's like the 1,2,3 Kid without the Razor Ramon. That's no fun.

Great Khali has a translator now. He's like Daivari II. What was wrong with poor Khrosow? He couldn't translate? They had to hire another guy to be him? If I were Daivari, I would lay low for a while. Something tells me that if they realize he's still on the payroll, he's going to get his Sable Papers, if you know what I mean.

That's not to say this was a bad show. It wasn't. It was alright, just not the most amazing two hours I've spent watching television. Although, it was considerably better than the time I watched "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?" Remember that debacle? Weak.

That does it for me. Be sure to check out this week's Radio Free Insanity with Kevin Sullivan and all the new content up at We'll have a new superstar-hosted audio and shoot interview in the next few days, so be sure to check back.

Be well and thanks for sharing the Insanity!

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