JG's 5/28 Raw Insanity: Leaping Lanny Shane-o Makes Lashley His Honey, Orton Short Circuits Rob Van Dam, and The McMumble Express Debates
By James Guttman
May 28th, 2007...Fourth Annual WWE Memorial Day BBQ..
Click the following links to check out the past BBQs:
Stephanie: …So I said, Conway? More like NO WAY! Ha ha ha.
Vince: That's a good one, honey.
Rob Van Dam: (with glazed eyes and stumbling) Hey, Mr. McVince. Hook me up with a hot dog or something.
Vince: Oh wow. Rob? You're still here? I thought you left early.
RVD: Me? No. I'm still here.
Vince: I know you are. I was just making a bad-internet-reporting joke. Anyway, what's the deal? Why are you just standing there? Here. Put some steak sauce on your ass.
Vince hands RVD a bottle of Bullseye BBQ sauce.
RVD: (taken aback) On my ass? Hey. Whoa. What? Hold up. Dude… are you hitting on me?
Vince: (laughing) Ha ha. Easy there, Nailz. I'm not hitting on you. You know the deal. Didn't Stephanie let you know what would be happening?
Stephanie: I did Rob. We told you. We're feeding you to Snitsky.
RVD: Yeah. I thought you meant like you'd feed me to him on TV. You know, as in a match type of thing.
Vince: Oh no, you silly stoner. Come on, man. We tell you right before a barbecue that we're going to feed you to Gene Snitsky and you can't figure it out for yourself? You crazy carnies with your carnie talk. I'm not using slang. I mean it. We're actually feeding you to Snitsky. Now go put some steak sauce on your ass.
Snitsky walks up.
Snitsky: It wasn't my fault.
Stephanie: What wasn't your fault?
Snitsky: (shrugging) I don't know. Just seemed appropriate. Hey…Stephanie. When are you gonna finally let me baby-sit? I promise not to punt the baby.
Vince: Never. Now just go and eat Rob, please.
Snitsky: Fine. Come on, Rob. It wasn't my fault.
Snitsky grabs RVD by the throat and pulls him away.
Vince: Ah, those crazy kids. To be young and in love.
(Vito and Todd Grisham walk over. They're talking)
Vito: …so then Domino grabbed me before, right? So I tossed him to the side. Then I picked up his partner and dropped, uh, Deuce in the pool! Ha!
Vince stops short and quickly turns to face Vito.
Vince: (seething) What the hell did you just say?
Vito: What? What did I say?
Vince: You did what in my pool?!
Vito: I dropped…oh, you think I mean…no, no, no…I meant I actually dropped Deuce in your pool…
Vince: You son-of-a-bitch.
Todd Grisham: Mr. McMahon, you don't understand. He meant that he…
Vince grabs Todd by the back of the head and slams his face onto the grill.
Vince: (holding him down) Sorry, Todd. I can't hear you. You seem to be burning to death at the moment. I'm sorry, Vito. Were you trying to say something?
Todd screams as the smoke rises from his face.
Vito: No. I'm good. I'm good.
Vince: Why are you even here?
Vito: You guys said that it was nothing personal and that creative had nothing for me. You wished me luck in future endeavors. I thought we were, you know, still cool. Figured I'd just stop by the…
Mr. McMahon stares at Vito. Without looking away, he takes a walkie talkie from his pocket and speaks into it.
Vince: (into his walkie talkie) Shane, bring me my crossbow. (putting the walkie back in his pocket) I'm sorry. Please go on.
Vito: I gotta go. Bye.
Vito runs off as Triple H walks up. He's talking to Randy Orton.
Triple H:…so I says to her - Nah. You should call and tell him 'Conway? More like no way!' Ha ha ha!
Randy Orton: That's funny. Real funny. That's real good the way you tell that story, Hunter. (To Vince) Hey, Boss. Can I use your bathroom?
Vince: (still holding a screaming Grisham's face on the grill) What are you going to do to it?
Randy: (holding his groin) I just gotta make number one. Please. Real quick. I swear.
Vince: Fine. Just go. I know we say this every week, but this is your last chance to prove yourself.
Randy: (grinning) OK.
Orton runs off.
Hunter: Oh my God! Are you grilling Grisham's face? (pause) Can I have a piece?
Great Khali and Raj Singh walk up.
Great Khali: Muwawa beelana boombalay. Cootie mootie rudy huxtable inagadadavida.
Raj Singh: The Great Khali says that he's enjoying your party tremendously, Mr. McMahon.
Vince: Ah. That's nice. Thank him for us.
Raj: (to Khali) Even steven rice-a-roni. No lo, bobo, bo bice claymation. Emotion lotion.
Khali: Baked Alaska tiny tim bandana.
Raj: (to Vince) The Great Khali says he would like another beer and wild crazy sex with your dog.
Vince: WHAT?! Are you sure?!
Raj: (To Khali) Cambama tiny toons bandana?
Khali: (angry) TINY TIM BANDANA!
Raj: Oh. Oh. That makes sense. He says he wants another beer and a hot dog. My bad. Let's go, Khali.
Raj and Khali walk away.
Vince: He's a good guy that translator. What's his name? Raj?
Stephanie: I have no idea. Why don't you know his name? You hired him.
Vince: No. You did. I didn't hire him.
Stephanie: Hold on. If you didn't hire him and I didn't hire him then what the hell is he doing here?
Vince and Stephanie stare at Raj, but their concentration is ruined by a screaming voice from the house.
Jillian Hall: OH MY GOD! WHO THE HELL DID THIS TO THE BATHROOM?!
Vince: Hold that thought, Steph…RANDY!!!
Randy Orton jumps out of the bushes.
Orton: (wearing a fake Groucho Marx moustache/glasses disguise) That's me! I'm a ba-a-ad boy! Waka-waka-waka!
Monday Night Raw is dedicated the men and women of the U.S. armed forces. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are in the house and folks, Toronto is ready to explode like a Blue Jay full of Alka Seltzer. They're figuratively jam-packed to the rafters here and for good reason. In a handicap match, John Cena and Bobby Lashley face Umaga, Great Khali, and Shane McMahon. (JG Note: What? No. It's called a handicap match because it's three on two, not because Shane is in it, wise ass.) Now, in honor of the armed forces, let's get some women in bikinis out here. I guess they're dedicating this particular match to the men in the armed forces…and some women too, I'd suppose. Don't ask. Don't tell. Just look. It's implant time, folks. During this match's 90 minute introductions, Lawler and Ross announce that Randy Orton will be facing Rob Van Dam later tonight in a match that Randy requested. Once all the women are in the ring and surrounded by water balloons, body boards, and water guns, the real insanity begins.
Monday Night Raw is dedicated the men and women of the U.S. armed forces.
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are in the house and folks, Toronto is ready to explode like a Blue Jay full of Alka Seltzer. They're figuratively jam-packed to the rafters here and for good reason. In a handicap match, John Cena and Bobby Lashley face Umaga, Great Khali, and Shane McMahon. (JG Note: What? No. It's called a handicap match because it's three on two, not because Shane is in it, wise ass.) Now, in honor of the armed forces, let's get some women in bikinis out here. I guess they're dedicating this particular match to the men in the armed forces…and some women too, I'd suppose. Don't ask. Don't tell. Just look. It's implant time, folks.
During this match's 90 minute introductions, Lawler and Ross announce that Randy Orton will be facing Rob Van Dam later tonight in a match that Randy requested. Once all the women are in the ring and surrounded by water balloons, body boards, and water guns, the real insanity begins.1. Michelle McCool won a Diva Bikini Battle Royal over Candice, Mickie James, Maria, Jillian, Layla, Kristal and Melina.
The canvas was quickly doused in water and girls were slipping all over. The fans reacted the way you'd expect them to when the first match on Raw is a wet diva debacle…they booed. It was pretty bad for a while, to be honest. I was waiting for them start chanting "Fire Russo." To their credit, the commentators talked over the negative reaction and helped to mask it. In the end, this one was pretty insane. You have the Women's Champion Melina, after weeks of breeding respect for the division, in a match with women doing ridiculous slow-motion baby hits with surfboards and water toys. It just seemed counterproductive. That wasn't the biggest paradox of this match, though. Nope. The real strange thing was that once all the other divas had been eliminated and we were down to the final three, they started to wrestle. I mean, they really wrestled and it was like we were watching a different match. After being stretched out by the heels, Michelle McCool got a big pop when she nailed a double clothesline on Jill Hall and Mel. Once she disposed of Hall, Michelle made short work of the women's champion. Lina was eliminated and McCool posed. Lawler summarized the event by saying, "That was a…fun time." I guess he started to say, "That was a good match," but realized what he was saying and threw up in his mouth a little so he corrected stopped.
Shane McMahon is coming to the ring and he has a major announcement. Is "major announcement" a secret code for "raging hemorrhoid?" Only one way to find out…stay tuned.
Commercial Break. WWE WrestleMania 23 - The Ultimate Special Editioncomes out tomorrow. It's not out yet. The one you have is probably just the Special Ultimate Edition. You need this one. The Special Ultimate Edition sucks.
Here comes the Sonny. Here he comes. Shane McMahon is here and he's got something to say that is so important, he doesn't walk any further than the entrance way. His wrist relaxed, as always, the young McMahon starts his speech by either omitting the word "unofficial" or changing the date of the Summer Solstice.
"For those of you that don't know, today amongst many other important things, is the start of Summer. It's also the start of something very exciting for World Wrestling Entertainment, I am very excited about the announcement I'm about to make. In two weeks time - two weeks time - all of the superstars from Raw, Smackdown, and ECW, will gather at one place right here on Raw and, for the first time ever, we're going to have the first WWE Tri-Branded Draft. No superstar is exempt and any superstar can be drafted to any show."
The Draft Lottery makes one think of change, at least it does for Vinnie's son. Shane goes on to talk deeply about change. You see, in life, change is inevitable. In fact, everything changes...well, excpet for one thing. That thing is Vince McMahon. He's the constant. Come One Night Stand, he'll walk out with the ECDub strap still around his waist. He's got it all sewn up. What an inspiration VKM is. Following his father's example, Mean Street Shane promises to defeat Bobby Lashley 1,2,3 in tonight's 3 on 2 match. In fact, Leaping Lanny Shane-o wrote a poem about it. Like to hear it go…
"Bobby Lashley, as I pin you 1,2,3 to the mat
Bobby Lashley, I'm gonna beat you so bad, I'm gonna call you my honey.
(JG Note: He's gonna show him his bank statement?) The Money dances as we roll a commercial.
2. Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Lance Cade, and Trevor Murdoch defeated Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, Johnny Nitro, and Kenny Dykstra when Jeff pinned Kenny
Lance Cade got a haircut. He's back to the Garrison days again. The Hardy Boys had spent weeks having a bizarre friendship with the Cowboys that this eight man tag seemed convenient. That point was not lost on our commentators as Jerry Lawler also did his best to convince us all that Cade and Murdoch would be turning on the Hardys tonight. How did he do this? By repeating it over and over. As most fans know, whatever the announcers try to convince you is usually the opposite of what will probably happen. So the chance of a turn on tonight's show dropped tremendously. When Jeff came into the ring, Ross said that we've all seen the home videos of the Hardys training at home on their trampoline. (JG Note: That's Dennis Stamp you're thinking of, Jim.) In a real head shaker, The King mentioned that after the upcoming draft, Lance and Trevor could be done as team. After all, if they end up getting drafted to separate brands, it's the end of their partnership. However, Lawler doens't realize that the World Tag Champs, Jeff and Matt, are technically on separate brands right now. Guess that's just not an issue anymore. Kind of makes the whole Draft Lotto seem silly, eh? In a fun moment, Trevor leapt from the top rope onto the World's Greatest Tag Team below on the floor and J.R. referenced his Larry the Cable Guy resemblance by calling out, "Get 'er done!" Speaking of look-a-likes, Matt Hardy was in full scale Shawn Michaels mode. No joke. If it was Halloween, I'd think he was trying to be HBK. It was the hair that did it. Speaking of hair, Ross once again called Jeffrey the Rainbow Headed Warrior as the high flying high-flier found himself grounded thanks to a Shelton Benjamin chin lock. When the first Radio Free Insanity guest (archives available on ClubWWI.com ) Charlie Haas ran in with a kick, Benji swapped out and let his World's Greatest Tag Team Partner lock in a rest hold of his own. The fans didn't mind though. They cheered Rainbow Head on as he tagged out to his brother, who ran into the ring and chased down Kenny Dykstra. After the ring was cleared of all evil-doers by Lance and Trev, The Hardy Break Kid nailed the Twist of Fate and set up his brother for a Swanton Bomb. After three taps of the mat, we have ourselves some winners.
Following the official word, Shelton Benjamin takes the microphone. You may have won, Hardly Boys, but you didn't beat the World's Greatest Tag Team. Nope. Now, that being said, how about putting those belts on the line this Sunday at One Night Stand? Let's do that. Matt Hardy makes himself team spokesman and informs Thea Vidal's son that he can have a match at ONS. In fact, he and Charlie Haas can have…a Ladder Match! How's that sound?
Shelton and Charlie seem pleased, but Garrison and Trevor don't. The Cowpokes exchange glances, but don’t kill the Tag Team Champions…yet. Instead all four members of The Bestest Friend Club stand together in the ring and pose for the flashy cameras.
Todd Grisham's face is all better and he's standing by with John Cena's dressing room door. If John comes out, he'll be interviewed. If not, Todd's just going to interview the door. Which will it be? The Champ or The Door? Find out…next!
Commercial Break. Timmy, I think it's time you knew the truth. Your daddy isn't on vacation. He's not coming back. I'm afraid…oh God. He's in the Auto Zone. He got in the Zone. The Auto Zone. Oh, Timmy. It'll be OK. There. There.
Todd Grisham is standing by with…John Cena. Phew. He showed up. Grisham asks the question that we all want to know. Hey, Champ, how's it feel to tell Great Khali that you don't fear him and then get beat up? Like a beeotch? The question is…are you scared now? Cena restates his stupid statement. No, Toddly, Johnny ain't afraid of The Great One. If he was here, J.C. would tell it to his face. Dr. Thuggy then gives us a mumbly Khali impression and states that there's no worry on his end. People may doubt him, but screw them. He tells us like this:
"One Night Stand, throw the submissions out the window. They are no good. So now, all the critics - all the doubters - are saying to themselves, can he do what no one had done in a match where anything goes? Will he have the stamina, the strength, the guts to put 7'5, 450 pounds on his shoulders and damnit if he gets there, will he have enough gusto to do the impossible and throw the giant Great Khali over his head down to the canvas, down to the ramp, down to the floor, down to the crowd, down to the beer stand across street for the three seconds that it would take to slay the mighty Great Khali. You know, Todd, my time, I've had a lot of critics and I take great pride in shutting them up. At One Night Stand, to all of those that doubt John Cena can do it, I give you my word. I can and I will!"
Maria is so delightfully brain-dead and she's standing by with cuddly bubbly Santino Marella. Hey, Santa, how do you feel about possibly going to Smackdown or ECW in the upcoming Draft Lottery? He answers, but it doesn't matter. Mary is too busy giggling at his accent. She asks if its Italian and he sarcastically says it's New Jersey. They laugh some more. Ho ho ho. Hee hee hee.
…Ha ha ha. The laughter dies quickly as Marella leaves and Randy Orton arrives . Hey. Ho. The Legend Killer is here, Maria, but doesn't mean to interrupt the riveting "journalism" that you're doing. He just wants everyone to know that Rob Van Dam went on WWE's website and said that Randy has no respect for
3. Randy Orton defeated Rob Van Dam via referee's decision
Expressionless and stunned, RVD tried to get back to his feet, but was taken down quickly with an RKO. He fell to the mat. As he laid there, a line of drool hung from his lips. Did it add to the realism or jus make things gross? You decide. While The Legend Killer left the ring, "officials" ran into the ring and shined little flashlights in Rob's eyeballs. I guess they were checking to make sure they didn't fall out. He got hit pretty hard.
Up next: Ric Flair and Torrie Wilson vs. Carlito and Victoria.
Commercial Break. Paper Mario is rated E For Everyone. Well, it's Rated E50 for Everyone With 50 Dollars.
Before the break, RVD got his Van Dam butt kicked. His glassy eyes make J.R. and Jerry think he might have a concussion. Hmmm. Not sure I agree. In Rob's case, I'd think that if his eyes weren't glassy, then he might have a concussion.
4. Carlito and Victoria defeated Ric Flair and Torrie Wilson when Carlito pinned Torrie
This one was a pretty big yawner. Nothing great to report until the end. After Ric Flair had been taken out by Carlito, the Caribbean Cool was left alone with Torrie Wilson. Reminiscent of Ric at WrestleMania 8, Carly grabbed Wilson and delivered a great big smooch. When Torrie replied with a slap to the face, Cool answered with his finisher, the Backstabber. The diva fell and Dr. Von Appleface Afrohead covered her for the pinfall
Commercial Break. Norbit is coming to DVD and the commercial says it's "hilariously funny." You know what's really hilariously funny? In the same Raw commercial break, Dynamite USA MMA aired a commercial for Brock Lesnar's fight. Now that's funny. Take notes, Norbit.
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler run down the card for One Night Stand. It's on Sunday. This Sunday. Sneaks up on you, huh? After most people hear the card run down for the last (and for most first) time, we got backstage.
In the locker area, Umaga walks up to Great Khali. This is what follows:
Umaga: Telly! Ed ora!
Great Khali: Tap day balloo!
Umaga: Nah nay! Cah-ula!
Khali: Big hay ho!
Umaga: Big hay ya ya!
Yeah. Basically, this is Heidenreich-Snitsky for 2007.
Shane McMahon stops the great debate and then calls them the "Worst. Prom Couple. Ever." Shane-o Insane-o giggles and then fills the McMumble Express in on tonight's plan. You both do as much damage as possible, but the pin will be going to Little Mac himself. Now, let's go out and have some fun out there. Get your hands out, fellas. Come on. Put 'em in. Put 'em in. Whoooooooooaaaaaaaa….McMumble Express! YAY!Pirated Commercial Break.
We're back and Maria is doing what she does best. Fluff. She's in the ring and aiming her patented "Kiss Cam" at people in the crowd. Nothing to worry about for her. Everyone loves kisses.
Well, everyone except for Chris Masters. He hates kisses. He's not sure why but he thinks it might have something to do with the time he was five. He went to Hershey's theme park and the guy in the Hershey Kiss Costume shot his dad. That could be it. Not sure. Anyway, he calls for an end to the kissing. In fact, he calls for a complete change in direction. How about we get Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella out here and give him the Masterlock Challenge? (JG Note: Oh man. Are we still doing that stupid thing? I get it, Patera. You have strong arms. Now let it go.) Jerry Lawler states a fact that most of us never considered and says that "Just because Chris Masters challenges someone doesn't mean they have to come out." Wow. That's a good point. I hadn't thought of that. Lawler did though…and so did Masters. He has a Plan B, though.
Chris tells "Mozzarella" that if he doesn't come out and do the tired ol' Masterlock Challenge, then someone else will have to take his place. Lex turns his eyes to Maria and everyone fears that she might be the victim of his rapidly shrinking/growing muscles. Before things get out of hand, the music hits.
Hey San Diego. You're on.
My name's Santino.
Whatever, Tito. You're up.
Santino arrives and he's a house of red-booted fire. He tears into the evil Masterpiece and, in all his excitement, nearly slips when climbing the second turnbuckle for a mounted corner punch. While the plumber fights gallantly to stop the arrogant Masterpiece, he ultimately fails. When Masters finally locks in
Commercial Break. Tomorrow night, Vince McMahon and Bobby Lashley "get Extreme." What does that even mean anymore?
5. Umaga, Shane McMahon, and The Great Khali defeated Bobby Lashley and John Cena when Shane pinned Lashley
This match illustrated perfectly how WWE is selling too many things at once. All night, Saturday Night's Main Event was barely mentioned. When they finally did talk about it, Jerry Lawler said that John Cena would face the Great Khali. Jim Ross had to jump in and clarify that it wouldn't be the same match they'd be having at One Night Stand as that one is a Falls Count Anywhere match. Ugh. Look. When you're selling so many shows at once that you're actually selling the same match twice, then you're in trouble. No, fans. Not that Cena-Khali match next week. I'm talking about the other Cena-Khali match next week. In typical live-crowd fashion, this match gave us a chant battle. The fans took turns alternating between "Lets Go Cena" and "Cena Sucks." They should have saved time and just chanted "Let's Go Cena Sucks." The match itself followed the classic babyface beat-down formula. The WWE Champ took his lumps from the Giant, the Bulldozer, and The Money but fought gallantly to tag in his partner. When The Marine finally overpowered Shane McMahon, he was able to roll over and slap Lashley's hand, sending him into the ring. Mac tagged in Umaga just as Bob ran in. He pounded the Samoan and nailed a DDT. With a lukewarm crowd behind him, Bobby went for the Spear, but got caught. Eventually, all five men ended up in the ring. It all culminated with the Great One hitting Bobbo with his Tree Slam and tagging in Shane. The McSon climbed the turnbuckle, hit a flying elbow, and pinned Bobby Lashley.
Yup. You read it right. Shane McMahon pinned Bobby Lashley. What a lackluster way to end a lackluster night. Just as the show is about to end, Vince McMahon finally appears on the ramp. No sign of Alesandro Estrada, though. Big Mac joins the McMumble Express and raises their arms as we fade to black.
All in all...Pretty ho-hum.
Gotta be honest. I didn't love tonight's Raw. It wasn't horrible, but it was nothing exciting. Then again, most shows phone it in the last week of May. WWE might just see tonight's Raw as a wash. But hold up…they have a PPV on Sunday. Man. They really book themselves into corners, don't they? On one hand, you tell yourself that they can't always hit home runs with every show. Then, on the other, they have a pay show to sell every other week. So they have to hit home runs every show. It's a big mess and one that's hard to figure out.
Case in point - not only is ECW getting two weeks of buildup, but it's already being overlooked in light of the Draft announcement. Tonight's show was selling Sunday's pay-per-view and the Draft two weeks later. With all that, Saturday Night's Main Event this week barely got a mention at all. It's just way too much on their collective plate at once. If you sell too much at once, it all just becomes white noise to the customer. Why buy anything at all?
On a side note…how crazy is it that Cena vs. Khali is headlining ECW One Night Stand? Remember last year when the fans were ready to kill John? Now he's there again. Only now he's fighting someone the ECW fans are bound to hate more. Nuts. Just nuts.
Hey! Let's find out what the fans want and then give them 0% of that. That's money righ there.
I don’t know. Tonight's show was just a classic example of a long edition of Raw. It felt like four hours and, in the end, did very little to advance anything. There's too much coming up next week or the week after to make anyone care about tonight's show. It's kinda sad in that respect. It just gave the night a meaningless feel.
There's a lot going on at ClubWWI.com this week. The Canadian Bulldog just posted his live report from the Raw/Saturday Night's Main Event Tapings and included this note:
I also wanted to let ClubWWI.com members know that I will be filing a TRIPLE THREAT of audios within the next 24 hours or so. Part one goes over these spoilers, as discussed by myself and Complete and Utter Bulldog co-host The Big Rybowski. Part two is a "shoot" interview with actor Stu Stone, star of Donnie Darko, Kickin It' Old Skool, The Boys Club and MTV's Blowin' Up. (he also happens to be a huge Canadian Bulldog mark). Part three is a report from WWE Canada President Carl DeMarco's luxury skybox at the Air Canada Centre (which Stu was kind enough to sneak us into). Stay tuned for all three reports!!!
Also, if you're in the mood for some free audio, be sure to check out this week's edition of JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Doug Basham (with clips from Club OJ with Orlando Jordan). Doug spoke about a variety of subjects in his full 37 minute ClubWWI.com interview. He talked about being Danny Davis' nephew, JBL, TNA, The Steiners, Japan, ECW, and much more. Doug joins Jerry Lawler, Kevin Nash, Samoa Joe, Christian Cage, DDP, Dustin Rhodes, AJ Styles, Bobby Heenan, Rhino, Christopher Daniels, and over 60 other guests over on the Club. You can get all the information on these shoots and superstar-hosted audio shows (along with free clips) on our free main ClubWWI.com page.
Another name joins the list this week, too. Who is it? Check back in the next day or so and you'll see for yourself. Should be a good one this week. You don't want to miss it.
Be Well! Thanks for sharing the Insanity!
|© 2005-2007 All content contained here Copyright 2006 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion.|