JG's 12/5/05 Raw Insanity: Eric Bischoff Escapes From Shawshank
By James Guttman
How the Vince Stole Christmas
By James Guttman
Down in Mark-ville
Liked that rasslin' a lot...
But the Vince,
Who lived just North of Mark-ville,
The Vince hated Rasslin'!
Despite Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. Only Steph knows the reason.
It could be that his quads weren't screwed in quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart wasn't in it at all.
Whatever the reason,
His heart or his pants,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating the fans,
Staring down from his tower with a mean, Vincey frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every fan down in Mark-ville below,
Was busy now, bitching 'bout the last awful show.
"We should have sold Socko Stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Vince fingers nervously drumming,
"I guaran-damn-tee I'll keep Christmas from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...All the Fangirls and Fanboys
Would wake up bright and early. For their wrestling toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing Vince hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! (and Jim Ross)
Then the fans, young and old, would sit down by the set.
And they'd watch all the DVDs they were lucky to get!
And they'd watch! watch! watch! watch!
All their new DVDs
Of various Indys and bouts overseas.
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Fan down in Mark-ville, the tall and the small,
Would tune into Raw, and find the show boring.
They'd then nod their heads forward. And the Fans would start snoring!
They'd snore! And they'd snore!
AND they'd Snore! Snore! Snore! Snore!
And the more the Vince thought of the big Christmas-nap
The more the Vince thought, "I'll just book much more crap!
"Why for year upon years I've made fans all say "wow!"
Disrespect me? Then I'll kill Christmas!
I'm just wondering... HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Vince laughed with disdain.
And he made a quick Santa costume and called up son Shane.
Little Mac saw and chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Vincey trick!
"Aside from your crazy eyes, you look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..."
The Vince looked around.
But Connecticut Reindeer are rarely found.
Did that stop the old Vince...?
No! The Vince simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make Ace one instead!"
So he called his boy Johnny and grabbed the old boogeyman threads
And he tied the big horn on his Dynamic head.
He fired some midcarders
To free up some dough
But had Reindeer John do it,
Cause he liked it, ya know,
Then the Grinch said, "No chance!"
And the sleigh flew like hell
Toward the homes where the fans
watched the Taker no-sell .
Then he slid down the first chimney. A rather tight pinch.
What with such a big jackhammer attached to the Vince.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little fan stockings all hung by the trees.
"They'll have to like Raw, once I take their DVDs!"
Then he swaggered and fell, much like this year's Rumble,
His knees, they both buckled, and he took a tumble!
ROH! New Japan! Pride! FIP!
TNA! Tons of Shoots! And was this...UFC?!
And he stuffed them tightly in bags, All the discs were so shiny,
Now belonging to Santa, played by Dr. Heiney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the fans' feast!
He took the Marks' Ice Cream! He took the roast beast!
He cleaned out that icebox like the American Dream.
Why, that Vince even took their last can of -hee hee - ass cream!
Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
"Now I'll have Hunter come over to dry hump their tree!"
And the Vince grabbed his phone, and he dialed the Game
When he heard a small sound which he thought was just Shane.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small fan!
Little Markina-Smark Fan, who just stared at McMahon.
The Vince had been caught by this little fan daughter
Who'd got out of bed to check Smackdown Spoilers.
She stared at the Vince and said, "Santy Claus, why,
"Why are you raping our Christmas tree? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Vince was so smart don't ya know
He thought up a story, as good as the ones on his shows!
"Why, my sweet little ho," the fake Santy Claus lied,
"This tree's full of poopies and must kiss my backside.
"Then we'll job it to Hunter, and then put it on Heat.
"Then we'll trademark its name. Leave it broke on the street."
And his rib fooled the child. Then he patted her butt
And he called her a Diva and then chanted "slut."
And when Markina-Smart Mark finally went to sleep,
He smiled and thought, "Just keep watching, you sheep"
Then the last thing he took
Was their table and chairs.
"If I took the Dudleys', then I'll surely take theirs."
And the one speck of wrestling
That he left in the house
Was an old VHS of the third In Your House.
He did the same thing
To the other Fans' homes
Of old crap he owned!
He then packed up his sled with their good wrestling DVDs!
"They'll HAVE TO like Raw, if it's all they have on TV!"
Three thousand feet up! On the fourth floor of the tower,
He rode to the tiptop and it took an hour!
"Screw all the fans!" he was Vince-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"They'll bitch and they'll moan for a minute or two
"The all the fans down in Mark-ville will cry "Wrestling? Boo!"
"That's the stuff," grinned the Vince,
"They'll applaud once again!"
So he stopped and prepared for a rating of 10.
And he did hear a sound ringing out through show.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't cheering!
Why, this sound sounded sleepy!
It couldn't be so!
But during Kurt Angle's bleeping...
Snores down in Mark-ville!
The Vince popped his eyes!
Then he turned bright red!
And sat in surprise!
Every Fan down in Mark-ville, the big and the small,
Were snoring! What the hell?! What the gall!
He HAD'T stopped Christmas from coming!
But even without an alternative, they snored just the same!
And the Vince, with his yellow suit stood in the ring,
He was puzzling and puzzling: "What's wrong with this thing?
I pushed all my realtives! It didn't quite work.
"Maybe I act too damn arrogant, like a real-life big jerk!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his poor head was sore.
Then the Vince thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe wrestling," he thought, "ain't about vanity.
"Maybe wrestling belongs to the fans... before me."
And what happened then...?
Well...in Mark-ville they say
That the Vince's tight pants
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his pants didn't feel quite so tight,
He walked without staggering to Mark-ville. That's right.
And he brought back the discs! And the food for the feast!
...killed them all with a sledgehammer.
So here we go, kids. The Vince may have stolen Christmas, but will he steal your hearts tonight? Can Eric Bischoff successfully beg the furry green owner to keep him employed as Raw's
Raw Theme Plays. Don't just stand there. Let's get to it. Strike a pose. There's nothing to it. Raw…raw, raw, raw…
Joey Styles starts the show off on an unexpected note when he narrates a graphic of Ric Flair's mugshot. Joey tells the tale of Ric Flair's road rage and says that Naitch will answer the charges here tonight. You know, I heard that when he was arrested, he called "Sting" (Steve Borden) from jail and begged him to come and bail him out. He swore to the Stinger that he'd live a good life if he did. Steve agreed and bailed him out. Then, to Sting's surprise, Ric had Arn Anderson and Barry Windham jump him in the parking lot.
The Chairman of WWE, Mr. Vince McMahon, has arrived. Guess what he's driving. Guess. A garbage truck! Oh Vince. You so crazy.
Vince the Dumpster Drose enters the ring and it appears that we're set up for a debate of some sort. How wonderful! Mr. McMahon stands in front of the wonderful debate set and reminds us all that last week, Eric Bischoff was warned that the trash would be taken out this week. That's why we have this crazy trash truck in the aisle! Vinnie, you so crazy. Speaking of trash, let's bring out Trashy McTrashface and have him face the music.
I'm tra-ash…and trashier than ever…
Eric Bischoff is here and he starts off with a "Mr. McMahon" right off the bat. He begs for the job he loves. It's not just a job, Mr. McMahon. (JG Note: It's a job where he's treated like crap and despised.) It's his life. As sad as that sounds, Bischoff apparently likes it. He begs to be kept on. That's when the fans start singing the Nah-Nah song they sing that's in desperate need of an update. We all stop to listen to the pretty singing before we continue.
Vinnie Mac's head turns bright red as he promises to deliver WWE's first (fake) trial! It'll have a judge and prosecutor and all that stuff that they had back in Mineola, only this time it will be, you know, pretend. That's right! It's the Trial of Eric Biscfhoff! Playing the role of defense attorney will be…
Hey Coach, you're gonna play the defense attorney. You look like Johnny Cochran.
I do, Mr. McMahon? I never heard that before.
Well, you people all look alike.
I said used steeples all shook at night.
John Coachman is here and he tells Uncle Eric to chill the hell out. John's got it all under control for you, Bischy. He's prepared. Uh…If Coach is Eric's friend, why didn't he tell him that he was preparing for this trial? Never mind. Too deep. I know. Coachman starts off with this quote, which will kick off a night-long attack on one person…a person who's present for the whole thing:
"Your honor, my client, Eric Bischoff, is an asshole."
- The Coach, 9:09pm
Man. Am I glad I am not that guy.
JC goes on to say that Asshole Eric isn’t here to make friends. He has enough DDPs in his life. He needs results and, by God, that's what he delivers. He brings fans the most exciting show on television each week (JG Note: Eric Bischoff produces CSI?) Coachy says that he will prove the Bisch to be worthy of more than keeping his job. He's worthy of a raise! I wonder if he'd settle for being treated as a human being instead. That never comes up. What does come up is the prosecution's turn. Who is the prosecutor? Well, it's…
Mick Foley has arrived and he has a Batman lunch box. Mankind tells Judge Vince that no one deserves to be the GM of Raw more than Eric Bischoff. Wha-wha-what?! Well, apparently the reasoning is that when Bischoff was running Nitro, he gave away the ending to Foley's World Title match. It caused tons of fans to switch channels from TNT to TNN and give the McMahons the start of their Monday night winning streak. Ugh. First off, the crowd doesn't react to this much at all. It's just overdone. It's a decade ago. Get over it. People don't care anymore. Also, isn't this an argument that should have been brought up when Eric was first hired? He's been in the position for two years. All this aside, Mick presents this scenario simply to embarrass the former WCW VP and lead in to his argument that E.B. is a failure. Why is Eric a failure? Well, he's failed to entertain the audience.
Oh. So he's who we're blaming.
King Vincent of Greenwich tells all parties that the trial will resume in the WWE Court of Law. We'll have a verdict by the end of the night. Hmmmm.
Not really feeling it so far. I was hoping for something big right off the bat. Guess we'll have to wait. Highlight of the segment? A sign in the third row that says, "My wife Ashley loves it Raw." Wow.
Commercial Break. MNM are in a new commercial for Ninetendo DS. I thought Johnny Ace banned video games.
1. World Tag Team Champions Big Show and Kane defeated Snitsky/Tomko, Val Venis/Viscera, and the Heartthrobs
It's going to be Big Show and Kane against Rey Mysterio and Batista at Armageddon. I guess it's further proof that WWE isn't expecting much more life for Smackdown. As for the match, every time I see bald Val Venis in green trunks, it takes me like two minutes to figure out who he is. Here's the thing about this match. It was God awful for a little while and then got a huge reaction at the end. Why? Well, the Big Red Show Machines ended up catching Romeo, Venis, and Tomko all by the throat. Biggie and Kane-o had a man in their outside hand and shared one in their other. All at once the three of them went up in the air and came down for a chokelsam. Crowd cheered. I did too. It wasn't much, but it was a different spot than we see each week and that's the kind of thing this show needs. Know what else it needs? A dramatized court show like they used to air in the '80s. You remember. There was "The Judge" and "Divorce Court." Now we have WWE Court. Bah. I'll take Judge Robert J. Franklin over Judge Vincent K. McMahon any day.
We’re on a courtroom set and Judge McMahon is on the bench. The bailiff, Chris Masters, is standing topless in front of the courtroom. It looked like the start of a porno movie. The scary thing is that there are only guys in the room. Coach, Bischoff, Naked Masters, and Judge Heiney all prepare for Dude Love's first witness.
It's Stephanie McMahon.
Now it really feels like the start of a porno movie.
Stephie takes the stand and she presents us with some footage from her time as General Manger. Let's take a look.
October 2002: Eric Bischoff dressed up like Vince McMahon and then made out with Stephanie. Incidentally, Eric looked like a complete different person three years ago. Come to think of it, he looked like a completey differrent person three years before that too. Hey! Three years before that too! That's some Twilight Zone stuff going on there.
Stephie Mac was hornswaggled! She didn't know that was Eric Bischoff! She thought, well….she thought this:
"Eric Bischoff impersonated my father and then violated me"
That's a loaded statement right there.
She claims to still have a "vomitous taste" in her mouth. Despite the footage showing that she was enjoying Eric's Fusient love, Mrs. McHunter says that she didn't. When Johnny Coachman tries to object, Vince tells him to "Shut up!" VKM regains his composure and corrects his statement to "overruled." His daughter lovingly and (for all of us) uncomfortably looks up and says "Thank you, Daddy." The GM rubs his head and Joey Styles says "It's gonna be a long night for Eric Bischoff." It’s gonna be a long night for everyone, Joey. Everyone.
Commercial Break. "The best thing about Ben Stiller is that he's very Ben Stillerish." Someone got paid to think of that.
2. Victoria (with Candice Michelle, Torrie Wilson, and a dog) pinned Mickie James (with Trish Stratus)
Torrie Wilson and Candice accompany Vicki to the ring and Torrie is carrying Billy Kidman with her. Wait, that's a puppy. She has a puppy. Oh. Not one to let people have pets in peace, the King checks in with this funny, yet creepy, joke:
"Do you know why puppies have wet little noses? Cause I lick 'em!"
9:29pm, Jerry Lawler
I did laugh at first. Then I pictured this:
This match came to a close with Mickie falling victim to some trickery. There's a distraction by Torrie and all hell breaks loose. Candice jumps on the apron and tries to hit James with her wand, but the top breaks off. So, guess what. She points it at Mick as if she's trying to put a spell on her. It was pretty funny. Trish didn't think so, though. She hopped up and nailed Michelle in the stomach with a kick. Now here's the funny part. Ready?
The spot was supposed to be MJ getting hit with the wand, stumbling back, and getting rolled up for the pin. Even though the wand broke and never hit her, Mickie held her head and walked backwards. Victoria rolled her up and the match came to a close. Jerry Lawler actually mentions that the wand broke. So either Alexis Laree got a sudden migraine out of nowhere or else wrestling is…fake! Shut - up!
After the bell, Miss Mickie seemed upset with Stratus for not coming to her aid. Damn Trisha! You could have at least brought the girl some friggin' Aleve! Sheesh!
Meanwhile back in the courtoom, Tajiri is on the stand. He has a translator and it's a classic "ha-ha, he can't speak English" thing. Get this. The gist of Yoshiro's argument is that he was held back by Eric Bischoff, despite his stardom in Japan and in ECW. (JG Note to Tajiri: It was Vince that stopped your house show match with Rhyno to put on a bikini contest, not Eric Bischoff.) Speaking of which, Taj finishes off his speech by saying that he hopes a Rhinoceros shoves his horn up E.B.'s "anal crevice." To respond, GM Bisch informs the Japanese Buzzsaw that he must return to the ring where he will face…Triple H! Knowing he'll be squashed by Big Mac's son-in-law, Yoshi goes coo-coo. The Masterpiece holds him back and removes him from the court. Wow. How are they going to follow that up? Why, with Mae Young of course! Wouldn’t be dumb comedy without Mae! Old ladies rule!
Commercial Break. Matrix - Path of Neo has an all new ending by the Wachowski Brothers. Meh. Tell me it's an all new ending by the Rougeau Brothers and you might get my money.
We rejoin the Trial From Hell. Mae Young is concluding her explanation of why "Eric Bischoff has no penis." Wow. What a terrible job this guy has. To make matters worse, Foley introduces a 2003 video of Bisch getting the Bronco Buster from Mae in a thong. When we rejoin the court, Young has her fingers spread in a V shape and she's licking between them. Everyone's repulsed. We better move on and bring out our first witness for the defense.
The Coach calls Chris Masters to the stand.
Thor marches over to the chair and we begin with a simple question. John asks the Naked Cowboy to state his name. He replies that it's "Chris Masters." To this, Vince McMahon bangs his gavel and declares that Chris has perjured himself. His name is not "Chris Masters." It's "Chris Mordetzky." (JG Note: What? Now we're beign serious?) With that, Mac "disqualifies" the witness. CM is dismissed and the Bischmeister rolls his eyes in frustration.
Meanwhile back at the other soap opera, Shelton Benjamin is taping his hands onto his arms in the locker room. He's approached by the God guy, Shawn Michaels. HBK tells Shelly that he hopes he's preparing for tonight's tag match against Kurt Angle and Carlito. When Benji doesn't seem too enthused, Kid Heartbreak gives him some tough love. Stop bitching out, Shelt. Do you wanna make friends in wrestling or do you want to be successful? Be like Shawn. Be successful. The choice is up to you. You know what to do. Go out there and turn heel! Uh, I mean, show the world what you got!
We go to the table for some more Ric Flair talk before Joey Styles promises the debut of Edge's talk show, The Cutting Edge. Adam Copeland's guest? Ric Flair! Whoooo! By the way, the symbol WWE is using for Edge's new show looks just like the symbol they used for the now cancelled WWE Experience show. That's a bad sign.
Commercial Break. Rowdy Roddy Piper will be in the USA Original Movie, Wise Guys. I love the USA/WWE cross-promoting. Let's just hope they don't let "Beastmaster" Kurt Angle be a guest judge the Westminster Dog Show. That could lead to some trouble.
Back in the court, Coach says that he has just gotten off the phone with a witness that will help to convince the court that Bisch deserves his job. This segment is cut off by Chavo Guerrero's theme.
3. Chavo Guerrero pinned Lance Cade with a Frog Splash
Lance Cade's tights give me a headache. What happened to that guy? I actually liked his team with Murdoch. Now, as singles wrestlers, I don't. So this match was weird on a number of levels. First, Joey Styles talked about Chavo's relationship with the late Eddie Guerrero and said, "Uncle Chavo" is carrying on the legacy. Jerry corrected the relationship and said that Chavito was the nephew. From there, the audience started to chant Eddie' name. That's fine. It's their call. I personally wouldn’t be chanting "Eddie," but that's me. It just doesn't seem appropriate. If you think that's inappropriate, check this out. Cade had Chav choked in the corner and he looked up at the crowd and said, "Where's Eddie now?!" Wow. No matter how intense these guys tried to get, the arena didn't react to much at all. The crowd was becoming less and less enthusiastic with each passing match (as usually happens when the bulk of the show is pretaped skits.) The only life fromt the Charlston fans here comes at the end when Kerwin uses Latino Heat's finishing move, the Frog Splash, to score the win. Stop...court room time.
The star witness for Eric Bischoff is the guy the manager of the guy UPN kicked out. Daivari speaks in English and says that Bischy gave him a job on Raw. He gave him new life. For that, he's appreciative. Incidentally, Dai's voice doesn’t match him. It seems like he's dubbed. Anyway, Dubbed-vari tells Mick Foley that he watched Raw back when Foley was commissioner. According to Khrosow, it was "nothing short of pathetic. And it is in my honest to Allah opinion, that Eric Bischoff should remain General Manager of Raw." Coach rests and Judge Vince doesn't notice. Why? Well, he's distracted:
"I beg your pardon. I didn't hear a word you said. I was listening to Ashley Simpson on my new Ipod. Christ, she sucks!"
- Vince McMahon, 9:56pm
When asked if he would like Daivari to repeat himself, Vince says "no." He orders the court adjourned and allows everyone a recess. Mick uses the time to eat moonpies. I'm serious.
Up next: Ric Flair on the Cutting Edge! Well, not really…wait, you'll see. I don’t want to ruin the surprise.
Commecial Break. MSNBC's Rita Crosby is going to cover Smackdown's tour of Afghanistan this week. Randy Orton looks forward to peeing in her coffee.
Edge and Lita are in the ring for the debut of their Cutting Edge talk show. Adam "Rapidly Becoming Too Cheesy For His Own Good" Copeland calls himself the "Rated R Superstar." Duh. Leets asks if he's staring at her boobs and the two of them laugh about how the other Raw superstars are "PG 13." (JG Note: Remember them?) They're all afraid to be on this show. They must have seen what Adam did to Dimitri Young at Survivor Series. That's why this show is being held back by the man. Last week, it was supposed to debut. This week, our guest backed out.
Hold the phone. What?
Yup. Ric Flair isn't here. No. It's not a tease. He's really not here. They were promoting it up until three seconds ago and they knew he wouldn't be there. Amazing. We used to say they were doing things like WCW did. Now they actually are. The Nature Boy won't be here and as it all sinks in to the audience, Edge decides to mock Slick Ric in South Carolina. Lita says that SC isn't "Flair Country." It's "Edge Country!" Whooo! On that note, Adam talks up the insanity of Ric. He tells the tale of the Dirtiest Player's road rage. As Copeland explains that the IC Champ beat someone up on the road, the crowd cheers. Honest. They cheer for it. Edger then shows us the changes that he's seen in RF through the years. He directs us to the Titantron and says that he's gone from this:
JG Note: More like this:
There's some more Flair trash talk until two of Vinnie Mac's stooges show up at ringside. It's Sgt. Slaughter and Michael Hayes! They tell A.C. to leave the ring. "The boss" wants him backstage. (JG Note: The boss is supposed to be in another building overseeing a trial! What the hell!?) Copeland dates himself and calls the two old timers "Bartles and James." From there, he mocks the two office workers. Amy calls them "two legends that currently earn a check by kissing Vince McMahon's ass!" Uh Lita, if you call them "legends," it doesn't really come off like an insult. Things get heated at this point. The Edgeman tells Hayes:
"Oh I get it. Someone told you I had a bottle of Jack Daniels and an 8-Ball out here, didn't they?"
What?! Did he say 8-Ball? Some drug program they got there, huh? Let's laugh about it on TV. This line leads to a big showdown with Freebird Michael. Hayes goes buck and says that Copeland has no respect. Screaming and yelling, Dok gets the biggest reaction of the night as he screams about kids today with their "guaranteed contracts and guaranteed days off!" (JG Note: That's a bad thing? Days off for wrestlers?) Mike says he respects how much Ric Flair has sweated for the business. Because of that, he is willing to give Naitch the benefit of the doubt. With that, he asks Edge how many times he's sold out the arena. He asks how many times he's been World Champion. (JG Note: Uh, How many times has Michael Hayes been World Champion?)
Copeland orders the Freebird's mic cut and then takes the whole thing to a disgusting level. He asks if Hayes will get his old partner, Terry Gordy, to come back him up. Adam says he can't. Why? Cause Terry is dead! Ha! That's why! Ugh.
It seems like this is being done to bring in Ray Gordy as a partner for Hayes against Edge and whoever - Lita maybe? Then again, it's pretty repulsive. Not only that, but Johnny Nitro just did the same sort of joke about Hawk a few months ago. God. Hayes then says that Edge only has this show because he's "banging Matt Hardy's ex-girlfriend." Good comeback, Mike. this leads to a half-hearted brawl. The segment finishes off with both legends knocked out thanks to Copeland's briefcase. We close out with this fitting quote:
"This entire segment was in bad taste. Disgusting. Train wreck."
Joey Styles 10:09pm
Commercial Break. Drive a Volvo for the holidays. You don't have to buy it. Just drive it. How you get it ain't my business.
4. Triple H pinned Tajiri after a Pedigree
Back in the courtroon, Coachman goes to introduce his next gust, Simon Dean. Simon never arrives and it becomes clear that the Boogeyman ate him. Boogs pops up from behind the witness stand with a snake sticking out of his nose. He laughs, shakes, says that Bisch doesn't belong here, does the catchphrase, and smashes his alarm clock on his head. Everyone stares and it's played off in a comical way. I gotta be honest, this running skit wasn't that horrible at first but it’s getting worse and worse as the night goes on.
Commercial Break. Uh, yeah. I'm not a big fan of the M&M's having sex with a chocolate bar commercial. Who would want to eat that?
Triple H is walking through the backstage halls. He intimidates a small page before being stopped by the Big Show. Show gets all up in his face and lays down some threats.
We head back to WWE Court where Mankind is preparing his next witness. He brings in Maria, who requests that Foley question her with Mr. Socko. Everyone chuckles at her stupidity, but the joke is on them. The Diva Search loser lets out a stream of words like "immediate, capricious, and dismissal." Eveyone appears shocked as the temporarily smart interviewer leaves the stand. Coachman tries to request a new witness, but is shut down. This whole trial will resume in the ring, John. We'll deal with it then. God, I hope this is going somewhere.
Commercial Break. Law and Order: Criminal Intent? If there's criminal intent, it doesn't sound like there's much law and order. I'm overthinking it, right? That's what I thought.
5. Carlito and Kurt Angle defeated Shawn Michaels and Shelton Benjamin when Carlito pinned Benjamin
This was the type of match that existed all for the ending. After the earlier skit, you knew that something had to give. So the whole time, you end up waiting to see the big angle. It should also be noted that the audience was dead by now. For almost all of this match, they appeared to be asleep. Even Shinji Daivari in his white suit freaking out at ringside couldn't get them hyped. The worst part was that the big final angle wasn't even that exciting. HBK has Carl for some Sweet Chin Music. As he was tuning up his foot, Shelton tags himself into the match by tapping Shawn's back. Benji runs into the ring and climbs the ropes, propelling himself at Cool. The Fro'd Wonder ducks and SB lands on the mat. He's covered and pinned. Michaels looks on, doing nothing. I don't think that's in the Bible. After the bell, Shelly appears angry. That's it. Big whoop.
A limo pull up and Vince steps out with Stephanie. He takes her by the hand and they walk through the hallways of the arena. Triple H approaches and tells Vinnie that he suggests we keep Eric Bischoff in charge of Raw. Mac realizes that Hunter is interested in keeping Bisch in because he can be "manipulated." It's all good though, Gameboy. Big Mac will take it into deliberation. Then…the bizarre happens.
He reintroduces Stephanie to Helmsley. (JG Note: It's them! It's the cover models ofWorld Wrestling Insanity! United on screen! Thank you, Vince!)
We then get a strange staredown that includes both of them giving a quiet "hi." Oh man. We all know what's coming, don't we? Yeah. I'm thinking what you are. Hopefully we're wrong.
Commercial Break. If the Truth.com people followed me around with a big orange arrow, I'd hit them.
This horrendous show is almost over and I keep hoping that we can cap it off with a big moment. We're in the ring for one last time with the Trial of Eric Bischoff (JG Note: Not the Gold's Club.) Bisch can no longer stand back and watch Coachman do defense. He needs to speak on his own behalf. Easy E takes the mic and informs Vince that he deserves his spot. He may be a wretched soul, but he cares about money. He brings in the big bucks for WWE, pal! (JG Note: He does? What? I thought the reason why on-air character Vince was doing this was because he wasn't drawing money. My head hurts.) There's some begging by the Bisch followed by the revelation that both he and the WWE owner have a lot in common. They draw money. Bischy points to the introduction of his concept, the Elimination Chamber! That was his fake idea! How about we book that Chamber for the next pay show, boss? Huh? Huh? Come on, Vincenzo. Hear out ATM Eric. After all, according to E.B, you're both "respected." No kidding. Bischoff said that with a straight face. Man. What a ham sandwich! Speaking of which…
John Cena is here and he's got one person on his mind. That's the soon-to-be former GM of Raw. Even so, Cena ain't here to tell the world how he feels about Uncle Eric. He's here to call Bischoff out for taking away the best part of Raw. He censored the "You Suck" chants from Kurt Angle's intro. JC knows that this isn't something that Super Mac would do. After all, Vince is a pioneer for free speech. (JG Note: Try bringing a "Bruno Sammartino has bigger balls than Vince McMahon" sign to the next Raw you have ringside seats for and see how much free speech the "pioneer" allows you to have.) Dr. Thuggy calls Bisch the "pioneer of censorship" before introducing 10,000 surprise witnesses. He means the fans. Duh.
John takes a poll to see if Schoff should be canned. The crowd seems to want him gone. The C-Man says that they’ve summed up Bisch's career in two letters. F-U. Again - duh.
McMahon then takes his own poll. Do the people want to see an Elimination Chamber at the next pay show? The crowd doesn’t react much. We're supposed to pretend that they did, though.
VKM declares that Sleazy E's Chamber match will happen at the next show! Hooray! However, ol' Eric won't be there for it. Why? You guessed it. He's fired!
The demented Donald Trump instructs the WWE Champ to "take out the trash." He gives Bisch the F-U and chases him from the ring. Judge McMahon scoops up the now-former General Manager and tosses him into the garbage truck. He turns it on and drives it out of the arena. There you have it. We still don't know who the new GM is. Tune in next week. Maybe it won't suck, but no promises. Fade to black.
All in all.. What a night. Nothing really good happened tonight. There were some moments of promise, but ultimately everything was in first gear.
Shelton Benjamin's heel tease was good. Too bad they followed it up with a half hearted dissention angle. Had Benji smacked HBK upside the head with a chair, I'm sure people would be talking tomorrow morning.
Hunter and Stephanie: The Reunion. Who knows what it means? It could mean nothing. It could mean everything. It all depends on where they want to go from here. If I've learned anything from these shows, it's that nothing means everything and everything means nothing.
What happened, Eric? How did we get here? The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that if you had won the Monday Night Wars, you'd be doing the same stuff to Vince. The sad thing is that Vince probably wouldn't have taken a job with you. You did, though. That's how you end up in spots like you were in tonight. I'm hoping you show up on Raw next week and violently attack Vince. Sadly, I know better at this point.
Slow moving and uninspiring show. It felt like it lasted for days. They should change it from "Monday Night Raw" to "All Week Long Raw."
That's it for me, guys. Be sure to check all the other features here on the site. Be well and thanks for sharing my Insanity.
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