Indianapolis, home of the Indy 500, building
super supreme Dwayne Schneider and the 8-0 Colts. This
week, Indy hosts WWE Smackdown as we count down to the
Survivor Series.
OK, so let’s review the past two
weeks on WWE television. On Raw, WWE announces that
Steve Austin backed out of the match scheduled for the
next day and that in exchange, Jonathan Coachman would
now be fighting Smackdown’s World Heavyweight
Champion Batista. Of course, even though this was no
longer a battle for J.R.’s job, the fans would
still be held to their original vote for the match that
now isn’t happening. And who does WWE give Coachman
to help him? Golddust and Vader. At Taboo Tuesday, a
guy backs out of a match that the fans are supposedly
in charge of, allowing the Smackdown guys to totally
humiliate the Raw guys on their own pay-per-view. A
few days later, Eric Bischoff goes to Smackdown to challenge
Teddy Long to a Raw vs Smackdown Survivor Series match,
then almost fudges his undies when Teddy Long challenges
Bischoff, a karate expert, to a fight on the same pay-per-view.
So far, Raw has looked pretty much like
a bunch of guys who, if one of them was on “Weakest
Link” with Homer Simpson, Peter Griffin, Philip
J. Fry, Stan Smith, Jethro Bodeen and Radar O’Reilly,
they’d be the first ones voted off. Will this
be the day that Raw finally gets on the scoreboard?
Teddy Long started the show by addressing
the Smackdown roster in the locker room. He told them
he was proud to be standing in front of the best talent
in the WWE, but said Eric Bischoff says Smackdown is
second-rate and the b-show. Everyone seemed into it
but Randy Orton, who was on the cell phone for the first
part of Long’s speech. He announced that he would
pick the team this week in a series of qualifying match.
He said Batista, as champion, was already on the team
and he’s send Edge back to Raw in pieces. Long
told Orton he would be in the first match, though Orton
said he should automatically be put on the team.
Opening credits played, leading into Tazz
and Michael Cole hyping the upcoming show. The two were
especially excited about the prospect of Edge getting
beaten up by Batista.
Rey Mysterio defeated Randy Orton
by disqualification.
Orton started with a headlock much to
the pride of Cowboy Bob Orton, but Rey escaped and worked
Orton’s arm. Orton backed Rey into a corner and
beat him down. He then picked up Rey in a atomic drop,
holding him up for a long time. As usual, Rey was outmuscled
by the much bigger Orton, but Rey eventuall escaped
and pulled down the rope as Orton ran to them, sending
him out of the ring. He hit Orton with a bodypress onto
the floor. After commercial, Rey had Orton in a led
scissors, then beat him up in the corner and hit a bulldog
for a two count. Orton’s dad distracted Rey on
the ring apron and Orton whipped Ray into the steel
post. Orton wasn’t able to get the pin and went
back to strength moves, including a wild across the
back of the shoulder backbreaker, which amazingly didn’t
hurt Orton, too. Rey came to life soon after and eventually
hit the 619 on Orton. Before he could finish Orton off,
daddy interfered and got Orton disqualified. The Ortons
were enraged and beat on Rey until Matt Hardy came out
and helped Rey clear the ring of the heels.
That’s Batista and Rey Mysterio.
In case you football fans didn’t
remember, a fan is helpfully holding up a sign that
reads “Colts 8-0.” Hey, if the Colts beat
my Steelers, I hope they do go undefeated, just to see
how the 72 Dolphins react. For those who don’t
know, this was the last undefeated NFL team and the
players on that squad apparently haven’t done
anything else with their lives since then, because they
drink a toast every time the last undefeated team loses
their first game. It reminds me of some of the loser
guys I know who hang around bars and still try to beg
free drinks based on something they did in some high
school game 20 years ago. Grow up, everyone and move
on!
Orton told a backstage interviewer that
Hardy just sealed his own fate and that he’d get
revenge. What the hell does anyone expect him to say?
MNM came out with the paparazzi and those
roadkill-patchwork fur coats to address the crowd. Melina
tried to make her entrance, but favored her back from
the frog splash she got from Eddie last week. She took
the mike and said she was brave just coming to the arena
and should be home recuperating (My fiancé: “Then
go home.”), but she said she couldn’t deprive
the fans (My fiancé: “Deprive us.”).
She was hurt that the fans were booing and trying to
“rob us of our moment.” Somehow, this made
the fans like Tyra Banks. If you can make the connection,
go for it. She then introduced Michelle Deighton, one
of the contestants from “America’s Next
Top Model.” Melina pretended to butter her up,
then said she should have finished better than she did.
On the other hand, she said it got her out of Indiana,
which was a good thing (ask Bobby Knight), but that
she was now only a “B” list celebrity on
the level of Danny Bonaduce. As someone who grew up
just down the road from Shirley Jones’ hometown,
I resent that. Melina said that MNM was out of her league.
Deighton slapped Melina, who tried to choke her, until
the Mexicools came to the rescue. The outnumbered MNM
got laid out and Deighton and the Mexicools celebrated.
Bobby Lashley pinned Orlando Jordan.
Jordan started with a few boxing moves,
but Lashley then took over and finished him with a dominator.
Damn, is this guy going to make a great heel one day!
Batista, Mysterio and Lashley.
Long was thrilled that Lashley won, and
was visited by Edge, who tried to back out of the street
fight. Long was unsympathetic to say the least. Edge
cowered before Long, who said he’d have no problem
allowing him to back out of the match, as long as Batista
didn’t have a problem with that. Edge seemed relieved,
but Long told him he’d have to talk to Batista
about that.
Eddie Guerrero defeated Ken Kennedy
by disqualification.
Typical Kennedy stuff, with Kennedy making
his introduction. Did anyone in accounting raise an
eyebrow when they saw a bill for a 1930s microphone?
Eddie came out in a blue lowrider, which I guess WWE
borrows from the local car clubs on the road. Kennedy
slapped Eddie’s face after offering his hand,
but Eddie came back with an eye poke and took over on
Kennedy. After a minute, Kennedy muscled Eddie down
and forced the knee into his back. Eddie came back with
a suplex, a clothesline and tried to hit the Three Amigos.
Kennedy blocked the third one. The end came when the
ref took a bump and Eddie smiled and grabbed a chair.
But instead of hitting Kennedy, he saw the referee recovering
and struck the ring. He then tossed the chair to Kennedy
before he fell to the mat. The referee recovered and
thinking he heard Kennedy give Eddie a chair shot, disqualified
Kennedy. There goes that whole idea of if the referee
doesn’t see the foul he can’t call it. But
Kennedy, having already been disqualified, took the
chair and beat Eddie for real. A clever plan by Eddie
if a bit shortsighted.
Batista, Mysterio, Lashley and Eddie
Guerrero.
If you ever wonder why Eddie Guerrero
is considered one of the world’s best workers,
this match pretty much settles that. Unlike most heels,
who seem to forget how to cheat when they turn face,
Eddie is just as evil and conniving as a face or a heel.
And why is it that faces have been allowed to talk dirty,
flip the bird, gyrate for the crowd, but not cheat when
they’re facing a villain who casts the first stone?
Incidentally, if you’re into cars
like Eddie’s, check out “Automaniac”
on the History Channel each Wednesday at 11 p.m. EST.
It’s hosted by Bill Goldberg and every week he
looks at a different category of classic cars, like
police cars, low riders, muscle cars, even cars used
by bootleggers and criminals. Pro wrestlers talking
about classic cars. Now this is high concept television!
In fact, we need a 24 hour wrestlers and cool cars channel.
They replayed the chairshot and then showed
Eddie being checked out by the doctor. Batista showed
concern for Eddie, but he assured that champ he’d
be fine.
Perrohito pinned Todd Stone in
a junior match.
Palmer Carson came out to help call the
match. Stone almost tripped on the way out. Carson said
the network is very pleased with the junior division
and that Smackdown is the number one show on Friday
nights among males and teens. The match was pretty typical
for a midget match, and none of the announcers seemed
to notice much of it. Of course, WWE apparently hasn’t
updated the script for midget matches in over 50 years
anyhow. So if you’ve seen any midget match in
your life, you have an idea what happened. Still, Perrohito
hit a nice top rope bodypress to end the match.
Lita and Edge were backstage and Edge
left to talk to Batista. While he was gone, he told
Lita to stay in the room and lock the door so no one
could get in. Does everyone out there know what’s
going to happen next? Well, I’ll say it anyhow.
Boogeyman came out from behind the couch and frightened
Lita away. I have no idea if this guy can wrestle, but
I’m starting to think there’s a place for
this guy anyhow.
Promo for the Undertaker, promising “The
Beginning of the End” on Nov. 27.
Edge found Batista and tried to butter
him up by saying they were too big to be involved in
a petty power struggle. Batista played along, but said
that unlike Edge, when he signs for a match, he goes
through with it. He said the fans paid for a street
fight and they would see them.
Chad and James, the Dicks, talked about
their debut against LOD next week. They promised to
said they were cocky, rock hard and that no one can
beat the Dicks. Tazz added that the Dicks are coming.
So we’re down to recycling Vinny Russo’s
TNA ideas? Is Heyman looking for that list of Al Snow
“Head” jokes?
JBL pinned Chris Benoit.
Match began as a brawl, with JBL getting
the upper hand with kicks and a couple of neckbreakers.
Tazz pointed out that even though many of the Smackdown
talent hate each other, they will band together to defend
their turf and their honor. Very slow match until Benoit
hit the three German suplex run out of nowhere and went
for the diving headbutt. Just as he got on the top rope,
Booker T and Sharmell came out and distracted Benoit.
JBL took over as they got back from commercial, beating
up on Benoit outside the ring as Booker and Sharmell
sat down at the announce table. Booker said he did what
he had to do to get the gold and called Long a yes-man.
Sharmell said Booker should have automatically been
on the Survivor Series team. Meanwhile, JBL kept beating
on Benoit and Sharmell demanded she be respected as
a former Miss Black America. Speaking of get over it…Benoit
used headbutts to fend off a superplex and hit JBL with
a top rope shoulder block. Booker kept insisting that
he was unbiased, though he kept cheering for JBL. Benoit
then hit five German suplexes in a row, then went to
the top rope again and hit the flying headbutt for a
two-count. Benoit applied the sharpshooter, but Booker
T distracted him, allowing JBL to hit the Clothesline
from Hell for the pin.
Batista, Mysterio, Guerrero, Lashley
and JBL. That’s five.
Edge and Batista went to a no-contest
in a no-disqualification street fight. Yes,
you read that right.
Edge came out with Lita as the backstory
was recapped. Batista came out to a terririfc pop. Edge
left the ring as the Titan Tron showed Long arguing
with Bischoff until Long was attacked by Chris Masters.
The Smackdown team arrived and Masters took off. Long
told them to go after Masters and they all piled into
JBL’s limo to chase him.
Kane came out and stood by Edge, then
Big Show came out through the crowd to reveal the obvious
set-up. Kane and Big Show beat up on Batista and fended
off attempts from Funaki, Paul London, Bob Holly, Heidenreich,
Animal and a few others. Batista got double-chokeslammed
and after a few tense moments, Edge joined Show and
Kane and taunted Batista. The show ended with a promo
promising a three-way match between Batista, Eddie and
Orton, but word is out that Batista suffered a legit
injury to his lat, an injury that can often put a wrestler
on the shelf for six months or more.
Ooooops…um, guys. I know you needed
to beat down Batista to get yourselves some heat. But
I don’t think anyone wanted you to him for six
months and thus not only screw up not only the story
lines for Smackdown, the only show that actually has
coherent story lines, but possibly kicking a big hole
in Wrestlemania. Not the way to get that big Christmas
bonus from Mr. McMahon.
So now what? Will Smackdown try to take
out Carlito on Raw this Monday (we can only hope)? What
will happen to the World Heavyweight Championship? Will
Eric Bischoff ever find a wrestling show he can’t
screw up? The last question is probably an obvious “no,”
but tune in next week and see if any of those first
two questions will be answered.
Check me out online at:
http://www.geocities.com/bobbyknightmare/megaweaponsgarage.html,
where I take a look at “Operation Double 007,”
starring the right Bond veterans, but the wrong Connery,
and http://www.geocities.com/bobbyknightmare/ulcbedford.html.
Three words, Python fans: Bicycle Repair Man.
Order
the Jake the Snake DVD Set
Got
an opinion on Smackdown? Want to tell Bob what you thought?
Stop by the Message
Boards and let your voice be heard.
