Click Here for: Vince
McMahon's My Space Page
By James Guttman
You didn't know Vince McMahon was my dad?
Neither did I. Funny enough, neither does Shane. Anyway,
it's a new week and my old man has a jam-packed show
lined up, ready to knock your socks off your ass. You
down? To further accentuate this pure awesomeness, World
Wrestling Entertainment has enlisted the help of "1"
Joey Styles. Remember the days when Joey would scream
out "Oh My God?"
Well, those days are back! Only this time around, instead
of yelling the catchphrase after a death defying leap
or hardcore bloodbath, Styles will be repeating it after
things like Carlito's entrance and Vince McMahon yanking
SuperPorky out of the Coach's ass. Hey, it's all good,
right? Oh my God is Oh
my God, right? Don't complain, kids. Just
watch. Why? Cause it's Monday. It's Raw. And this crap
just got taken to the EXTREME!
Raw Theme Plays. OH MY GOD!
We pan the crowd and John Coachman welcomes
us all to Raw. For a brief moment, I'm totally confused.
We hear the hype for tonight's top match, Chris Masters/Kurt
Angle-John Cena/Shawn Michaels. From there, we take
a look to the ring and see all the Raw Superduperstars
standing on the apron. Just as we're about to convince
ourselves that it's just the Coach and the King, our
camera pans back to reveal that the duo is joined by
Good Ol' J.S. Joey Styles. When introducing Joey, Jerry
welcomed him on behalf of himself, John Coachman, and
"a convalescing J.R." Styles, who appears
to be two feet tall, says that he's happy to be the
newest man in the announce booth. It's a pleasure for
him to be here. By the way, when I say that Joey looks
two feet tall, I mean it. Compared to Lawler and the
Coach, he looks like Lord Littlebrook. Get that man
a phone book.
It's only appropriate that the first segment
featuring Joey Styles in WWE includes Eric Bischoff.
All we need now is to bring out Verne Gagne, Ted Turner,
and Bret Hart in clown suits. The Bisch has arrived
and he's ready to address the bevy of Raw roster members.
John Coachman makes it clear early that he's not happy
with Joey at the announce position. He warns him with,
"Don't get on the Coach's backside!" Yeah,
Coach. Keep him off your tushee. J.S. thanks his mediocre
announce partner and we turn our attention to the WCW
guy in the suit. Uncle Eric touts his challenge to Teddy
Long for a ten man match at Survivor Series. Why did
he make such a challenge? Well, because he knows that
Raw will rule at the PPV. Hell, he's done made two matches
for the Series. Let's see how you guys like these apples.
Ric Flair against Triple H in a Last Man Standing Match.
Then from there we get Kurt Angle against...Cena! Crowd
pops. (JG Note: If you read Miss
Mallory's Raw Report, you know that they haven't
done Raw from this arena in like nine years. Something
tells me these people would pop huge if Eric were to
announce that the main event would be Gene Snitsky facing
a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.) He starts to name
the wrestlers who will comprise the Monday Nigh Raw
Team. You get the World Tag Team Champions Big Show
and Kane! Joining them will be their captain...Shawn
Michaels! Wait a minute. We get Taker's brother, Andre's
son, and Bentley's cousin. What about the other two
slots? Well, who's gonna step up? Who's gonna take it?
Carlito raises his hand. You know how
bad he wants it? Well, he'll give up the Cabana! (JG
Note: Yeah, boss. I'll prove my dedication to the company
by doing less work.) Carl says that he's not a talk
show host. He's a WRESTLER.
Wow. He said it. In fact, he's the BEST WRESTLER
OUT HERE. Wow. He said it twice. The
Puffy Headed Mr. Wrestling volunteers his coolness for
the Survivor Series. That sounds cool...to everyone
except for that guy.
You know. The guy who teamed with Charlie
Haas. Come on. You know who I'm talking about. The guy
that people seem to like but WWE doesn't, so they ignore
him. No, not Steven Richards. Not Rob Van Dam. No, not
Christian. He quit. Come on. Ben Vareen? Brian Benben?
Oh Shelton Benjamin! That's it. I blanked out for a
second. I forgot all about him. Anyway, Shelton seems
to think that he's entitled to the spot. He asks Coolio
if he's "high." SB uses his 45 seconds of
mic time for the year by offering his services for Bischoff's
Raw World Order. Easy E ponders the thought and then
makes the match for tonight. Carly faces Shelly. Winner
goes to the Series. Now who else is down for a spot?
Trevor Murdoch takes the mic and stands
on the ropes. He says that he and his partner were screwed
at Taboo Tuesday against Kane and Big Show. He tells
the General Manager that his team wants to "reenvokasize"
their rematch clause. E.B. grants the match and then
looks around for another person to talk to.
Stand Back! Gregory is coming through!
The Artist Formerly Known as the Hurricane chimes in
with a request for Grandpappy Bischoff. He wants a chance
to face off against "that fat piece of garbage
over there." He's talking about Rosey. Hey! Rose
isn't fat. He's just...well, fat. He's fat. Santa Bisch
grants this wish too. We get the Green Goblin against
the 1 1/2 minute warning. Bout time they did something
with these two that didn't require a broadband connection
to see.
Mickie James then gets everyone's attention
and orders us all to cheer for Trish Stratus. Why? Cause
Trish won the Taboo Tuesday Battle Royal. Everyone appears
to be freaked out by this stalker-like behavior and
Eric offers up a, "Yeah, alright. Whatever."
(JG Note: I have to say, I rip on Bischoff a lot, but
when it comes to dry delivery, he's better than most.
He has an arrogant quality to him. Whereas Vince McMahon
has the arrogant quality as well, it's mixed with the
batshit insane quality too. EB isn't insane. He's just
arrogant. For him, it works.)
Sleazy E finishes us off by turning our
attention to Edge and Lita. He invites the Mattitude
Killers into the squared circle and shows us some footage
from Taboo Tuesday. You know what Edge said there? You'll
never guess.
"You see, I don't care about
you. I don't care about Raw. And I certainly don't care
about what you people want or voted for. I do care about
one thing, though. I care about me!"
- Edge, Taboo Tuesday
In all fairness to Adam, I don't care
much about Raw either. The crowd chants "asshole"
and Copeland becomes enraged. Uncle Eric tells the duo
that they have some work to do on Friday night. Yeah.
The Edgeman and Miss Amy are heading to Smackdown. While
there, Edgemire will face...Batista in a Street Fight.
The GM informs The Hardy Girl and her beau to stay off
of Raw until they get the job done. As a shocked Lita
and Edge leave the ring, a raspy voiced Bisch leads
us all in a "Na, na, na, na" sing-a-long.
Bye, bye, boys. Have fun storming the castle!
Commercial Break. The new Call
of Duty Video Game is called "Big Red One."
When told about the title, Kane reportedly said, "Yeah,
that's what she said." When the reporter told him
that the joke made no sense, Kane reportedly set him
on fire.
1. Carlito pinned Shelton Benjamin
with a roll-up At one point, Jerry Lawler says
he has to give Shelton Benjamin his "props."
(JG Note: Jerry either thinks this is a term that the
kids say or that black people say. I'm leaning towards
the latter.) The match itself is fairly good and everything
appears to be hunky-dory until Jerry Lawler refers to
this upcoming pay-per-view as the "27th Annual
Survivor Series."
For a second, I think "Wow, I'm old."
Then I realize that I'm not that old. Someone backstage
must have realized this insane error and informed Coachman
that this was the 21st Annual Survivor Series! Is it?
Stay tuned...
When all was said and done, this was a
pretty good match. The winner was obvious, but both
men still did a great job and gave us something to watch.
The ending saw Carlito, having worked on Shell's knee
the entire match, finally rolling up Benji while holding
the ropes to secure his spot among the Monday Night
Five. Lillian rolls the Rs and we prepare for Trish
and Mickie James against Candice Michelle and Victoria.
Backstage, Stratus is trying to calm down
her psycho fan Mickie James. A wide eyed Mickie doesn't
hear her, though. She's as crazy as ever. As she leaves,
Stats rolls her eyes in frustration. I find it great
that has WWE based a character on 90% of the women I've
dated in my life.
Commercial Break. You can have such a
dial-up internet connection so ...you'll swear it's
broadband! Of course, you can just get broadband. It's
not illegal or anything.
2. Victoria and Candice Michelle
defeated Women's Champion Trish Stratus and Mickie James
This match was "verse, chorus, verse" as the
Nirvana song goes. It was nothing different than what
you've seen from the divas. On the plus side, Joey Styles
added tremendously to this match and always had the
right type of enthusiasm for the female performers.
That's not too say that the women haven't been improving
somewhat. Candy Mish has this reverse Tarantula thing
she does now. Remember when she fell on her face while
hanging upside down a few week ago? Well she hangs in
the exact same position, only she grasps her opponent's
head in her legs. Ending saw Stats and MJ playing the
Bushwhackers (JG Note: Nah...too easy.) They use the
Battering Ram and appeared to have everything all sown
up for victory. Sadly for Mick, she can't defend against
a magic wand. The female Harry Potter with implants,
Candice, takes her wand and slams it into Swimfan. James
falls to the mat and Candice Michelle covers her for
the win. Mickie loses. Good job, Alexis. Melina warned
us about you.
Commercial Break. The network television
premiere of "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days"
will be on USA. The station will then air it for three
nights in a row. It's all part of USA's new concept:
"How to Lose Our Viewers in Three Days."
Taboo Tuesday Rewind Thing. (JG Note:
No Steve Austin. I have to agree with Crazy Uncle Ralph
in this week's Sandow,
Rickard, and Crazy Uncle Ralph. Get Steve Austin
some robots and be done with it!)
Big Show and Kane are huffing and puffing backstage.
Show asks his demented partner about tonight's strategy
for Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. The Big Red Machine
gives an answer that involves pain, suffering, and all
that demonic good stuff. At this point, Biggie looks
like he's stained himself. With eyes full of love and
admiration, he tells his Monster partner that his speech
was "just beautiful." Big Red walks off while
his Giant partner stares off longingly. Oh, I, I,
I, I, I, I...Show don't want any-body else...when he
thinks about Kane, he touches himself. Oh, oh, oh. He
don't want any-body else. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no....
Commercial Break. "Show Them The
Way - The Axe Effect." I have no idea what the
hell that's supposed to mean. If they're saying that
people will ask you directions if you wear Axe Body
Spray, then I say screw that. I hate giving directions.
3. Gregory Helms pinned Rosey
after the Shining Wizard. I gotta be honest,
Greg Helms has Sunday Night Heat written all over him.
His gimmick is generic. His turn wasn't treated as anything
close to a big deal. Lastly, having his size in World
Wrestling Entertainment is like having a box of Snausages
in your underpants at a dog show. It's not good, Helmsy.
The best Gregory can do at this point is hope that something
happens that leads to Triple H leaving WWE under bitter
circumstances. Then Vince can repackage him as Gilberg-like
gimmick mocking Hunter. Call him Hunter Hearst Helms.
I know, it's a stretch, but it's seriously his only
hope at this point. This match also marked the first
chink in the Joey armor when Styles referred to Helms
and Rosey as "a great team." Proving that
Joe is the new Coachman and Coachman is the new J.R.,
Lawler tells John that he's not needed out there. According
to the King, he and the Voice of ECW did fine at Taboo
Tuesday without him. To which JC replies that he has
no comment. (JG Note: Ouch. We should call this show
the "Vince Indirectly Abuses the Announcers Show.")The
former Great Gazoo pinned the former S.H. in Training
after nailing him with the Shining Wizard. That'll give
him a shiner! Ha ha ha! Ahhh....whatever.
Up next, Lance Cade and Trevor the Cable
Guy meet Kane and Big Show in a hardcore match. Styles
says he feels like he's at home.
Commercial Break. Learn to play Poker
on Bodog. net? Whatever happened to the way it was back
in my day? You'd learn poker from the one-eyed bum in
the alley with the knife and the wooden leg. You win.
You win big. You lose. You lose a finger. We were a
bunch of one eyed, fingerless poker experts and we liked
it!
4. World Tag Team Champions Kane
and the Big Show defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch
when Kane pinned Cade This match showed why
Joey Styles was truly needed in the announce booth.
Let me qualify that statement. Joey wasn't needed. Someone
with common sense was needed. Coachman and Lawler both
laughed about the stupidity of Murdoch to ask for a
Hardcore match. It took Styles to step in and ask, "How
in the hell else would these two defeat Kane the Big
Show without using weapons?!" Hmmm. Wow. Logic.
Of course, Johhny Coach replies, "I don't have
an answer for that." You damn right, man. You know
what bothered me in this match? Trevor Murdoch wore
red trunks. I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.
He shouldn't be wearing red. He should be killing men
who wear bright red. You don't see too many inbred hillybilly
rapists wearing bright summer colors, you know? This
match was alright, albeit a bit short. In the end, Dead
Eye Trevor found himself on the receiving end of a Kendo
Stick shot to the tummy and back. Lance was hit by a
Big Show avalanche. To quote Vince McMahon in the old
WrestleMania arcade game, it was "a total debacle."
They took Murdoch, placed a garbage pail on his head,
and kicked it while it was leaning against the ring
post. Garrison tried to crawl away during all this,
but was caught by Biggie and the Red Machine. They clear
Joey, Jerry, and Johnny from the announce table and
Kane-o uses his chokeslamming abilities to put Cade
through it. We get a three count and, after the replay,
get our first "Oh my God!" You know, what
would be really cool? Screw "Oh My God." Get
Matt "Joe Schmo" Gould as the Raw commentator.
Have him scream "What is going awwwwwn?" Now,
that would be awesome. By the way, during this match
we learned that this is, in fact, the 19th Annual
Survivor Series. Wow. WWE's not big on numbers,
huh? That explains a lot.
Joseph says that after the break, we'll
have our main event. Uh, it's only 10:07pm. What
is going awwwwwwwwwnnn?
Commercial Break. I'm pretty stoked about
Smackdown
vs. Raw 2006 for PS2 next week. I'm not a big video
game guy, but I really dig the wrestling games. In the
last few years, I've been more excited over the video
games than the actual product. I keep telling myself
that it's because the video games are really, really
good, not because the shows are really, really...well,
you know. Don't make me say it.
Kurt Angle is in the house. He's not happy,
though. Seems these rude fans have chanted "you
suck" at him. He doesn't like that. So, he decides
to turn around, go through the curtain, and try again.
Joey remarks, "Oh yeah, this is gonna work."
Kurt Angle is in the house. He still gets the same chant.
No duh, Kurtis. Let's try it again, shall we? This time
you better not be disrespectful or else you won't be
getting a main event! Great. This oughta kill some time.
At this point, Angle is incensed! Fine!
Chant! This is American Values? You let your kids chant
"You Suck" at a gold medallist? Huh? You're
abusing the first amendment! At this point, Kurt decides
to unload on us like a friend who's opened up too much.
His baby girl...well, she took her first steps and her
daddy wasn't there! No! Ang was wrestling for you people!
Not only that, get this, his wife...his wife left him!
His whole family is gone because he put this business
in front of them! (JG Note: Oh. It's the fault of the
fans that happened? I thought it was because of the
bestiality and, you know, that other thing.) Your Olympic
Champion calls the arena "selfish bastards"
and told everyone that they suck. Tell you what, Sucky
Sucksteins. You don't get no main event. Ha! No main
event for you! Soup takes his leave and we're apparently
stuck without a main event! Oh no! That hasn't happened
since last week when Steve Austin left.
Commercial Break. The Jake
Roberts DVD looks pretty good. Although, if he had
never done drugs, I wonder what he'd have to talk about
now.
In the locker room, Eric Bischoff confronts Kurt Angle
on his main event walk out. You need to be in there!
Eric needs a main event! Angle gives his two demands
to compete tonight. First, he wants the crowd to stop
chanting. Second, he wants to hand pick a special guest
referee. Although unsure of how he'll censor the crowd,
Bisch agrees to both terms and the man who's wife YOU
SCARED AWAY gets ready for his match.
You can totally tell that Triple H is
related to the owner of WWE. Know why? Because he gets
a big comfy leather chair when he sits on the entry
way. That's right. Captain Fuzzface is here to watch
Ric Flair's match against Rob Conway. Instead of sitting
on one of those crappy steel chairs, he has a big soft
leather chair. What a lucky bastard. When I was in elementary
school, this kid named Joe was the son of the woman
who ran the PTA. He told us that he owned the swing
set on the playground because his mom "owned"
the PTA. We were like 8, so we believed him and sort
of resented him. I kind of feel like that's how Hunter
must come off. The only difference being that Trips
actually does own the swingset. Think about that and
meet me back here after the commercial.
Commercial Break. The
Devil's Rejects is coming to DVD. How exciting can
a movie be when it's about guys who couldn't make it
onto a hockey team? Sounds like a pretty flimsy plotline.
5. WWE Intercontinental Champion
Ric Flair defeated Rob Conway via Figure Four Submission.
Flair was introduced as the "man who beat Triple
H at Taboo Tuesday." Ouch. Rob Conway earned this
title shot by defeating such great competitors as Koko
B. Ware and Greg Valentine. Yeah. Style groups Flair
into the Koko category of "legend" that RC's
been fighting. Coachman quickly jumps in to say "He's
a different type of legend." Good save, John. Good
save. This match was OK, but nothing special. Ric was
obviously holding on to the title in this one, even
though it would have made more sense to put the belt
on Conway through Hunter interference. I wish they would
stop using the titles as side props in feuds and start
using the titles to elevate wrestlers. That's what they're
there for. Flair doesn't need that belt. Rob does. Instead,
it was a tap out loss for the Con Man and a post match
ass-whooping for the Nature Boy.
The Game beat down the Dirtiest Player
in Him for a brief while, but found himself on the receiving
end of some punishment as well. The attack quickly morphed
into a brawl and these former BFFs ended up being separated
by the officials. It didn't stop the violence as the
two of them kept breaking free and fought their way
into the commercial break.
Still to come the Cats in the Cradle Dad
teams up with the Narcissist to face the Manhunter and
not Marty Jannetty, the other one.
Commercial Break. Smackdown magazine has
a story about the Undertaker rising from the dead. I'm
worried that they're going to start asking us to pray
to him too.
Lita runs into Eric Bischoff backstage. She implies
that she would make it worth Bischoff's while to release
Edge from Smackdown duty on Friday. He refuses. So,
she shows him her boobs. Again, he refuses. He tells
her to "put those things back where they belong."
He tosses her out of the arena and calls her a slut.
Imagine. Free sex! Come on, Leets. Eric doesn't do that.
He can afford to buy the good stuff, baby.
Kurt Angle shows up and the joke here
is that the audience is beeped out every time they chant
"you suck." This gets a big duh from me as
Angle grins the whole time. How he could hear the beeping
was beyond me. The beep was done in editing, yet Captain
Crazy seemed to hear it live in the arena. There's logic
holes and then there's common sense holes. I guess that
at no point did Kurt think, "Hey, I can't really
hear the beeps. Maybe it's dumb to react like I can."
Nope. He grinned.
Everyone comes to the ring for the main
event and we await the introduction of our guest referee...
Allllieennnnnsss.....Aliens....Alieeeeennnnnssss....
David Duchovny? No. It's Shawn Daivari!
He's back! He's back! One of the characters so tasteless
that the people at UP friggin' N said it was below their
standards has come home to the Dr. Heiny show! Yay!
Let's strap some explosives on this guy and make some
headlines, Vince! Show them newspapers that they can't
buck with your big balls! Hooray!
6. Kurt Angle and Chris Masters defeated Shawn
Michaels and WWE Champion John Cena when guest ref Daivari
disqualified Cena. Weird match. You didn't
really get a feel for why Daviari was here. Much like
the non-mentioned Vader and Goldust, Khrosow seemed
to have no rhyme or reason for appearing. I'm sure the
writers have one in their heads, but sadly I lost my
mind-reading ability when I was kicked by a donkey back
in '83. Would it have taken much effort to bring Daivari
out maybe three segments earlier so he can cut a pre-match
promo explaining his stance? Throwing a character back
onto the screen cold with no backstory doesn't help
anyone. It didn't here. The match itself was alright
and Cena seemed to be doing OK. Although I still think
that John would benefit from a heel turn, he remains
one of WWE's top names. Sure the current wrestling landscape
is dilapidated. Of that dilapidated landscape, the C-Man
stands pretty high on the mountain though. You can't
deny that. Does he have faults? Sure. Are a lot of them
easily corrected? Sure. Is anyone correcting them? No.
That doesn't mean he's not over. It just means he's
not as over as he could be. Hassan's ex-manager kept
giving slow counts to the babyfaces and fast counts
to the heels. This enraged the WWE Champion who got
into the ref's face. In a fit of rage, referee Daivari
responded with a chairshot. John fell to the ground
and Khrosow disqualified him...for falling, I guess.
Weird. (JG Note: The actual DQ was because HBK swung
the chair and hit Masters.) He raises Angle's hand in
victory.
Joey Styles went crazy over the decision
and was told to calm down by the Coach. Yeah. Wouldn't
want too much emotion. Let's all take a nap. Styles
sends us home by repeating "Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!
Sucks!" as we fade to black.
All in all...Not a bad
show. It was better then reason weeks. Then again, I've
had splinters that were more pleasant than the Raws
in recent weeks.
The bottom line is that WWE is ramping
up towards Survivor Series. Make no mistake. This is
the best WWE can offer at this point. They put their
best foot forward for the big PPVs and this is no exception.
The way the Series plays out will be indicitive of what
we have to look forward to as the journey towards WrestleMania
22 begins. I wonder how many witty statements Hunter
has come up with to combat John Cena's catchphrases.
We know about "I won't get some, I'll come take
some." However, those who saw that online video
also know we have, "I can't see you? No. I can
see you. That's the problem" to look forward to.
Oh Hunter. Kill him. Make the bad babyface go away.
That's long term bitching, though. I'm
fast forwarding ahead. As of now, things are OK. Hopefully
this trek towards the November pay show won't be as
predictable as it seems. Maybe they can mix things up
somehow. How? No idea. Edge winning the World Title
on Smackdown would be a good start, though.
That's it for this week. See you guys
back here tomorrow for some more Insanity!
