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By James Guttman

You didn't know Vince McMahon was my dad? Neither did I. Funny enough, neither does Shane. Anyway, it's a new week and my old man has a jam-packed show lined up, ready to knock your socks off your ass. You down? To further accentuate this pure awesomeness, World Wrestling Entertainment has enlisted the help of "1" Joey Styles. Remember the days when Joey would scream out "Oh My God?" Well, those days are back! Only this time around, instead of yelling the catchphrase after a death defying leap or hardcore bloodbath, Styles will be repeating it after things like Carlito's entrance and Vince McMahon yanking SuperPorky out of the Coach's ass. Hey, it's all good, right? Oh my God is Oh my God, right? Don't complain, kids. Just watch. Why? Cause it's Monday. It's Raw. And this crap just got taken to the EXTREME!

Raw Theme Plays. OH MY GOD!

We pan the crowd and John Coachman welcomes us all to Raw. For a brief moment, I'm totally confused. We hear the hype for tonight's top match, Chris Masters/Kurt Angle-John Cena/Shawn Michaels. From there, we take a look to the ring and see all the Raw Superduperstars standing on the apron. Just as we're about to convince ourselves that it's just the Coach and the King, our camera pans back to reveal that the duo is joined by Good Ol' J.S. Joey Styles. When introducing Joey, Jerry welcomed him on behalf of himself, John Coachman, and "a convalescing J.R." Styles, who appears to be two feet tall, says that he's happy to be the newest man in the announce booth. It's a pleasure for him to be here. By the way, when I say that Joey looks two feet tall, I mean it. Compared to Lawler and the Coach, he looks like Lord Littlebrook. Get that man a phone book.

It's only appropriate that the first segment featuring Joey Styles in WWE includes Eric Bischoff. All we need now is to bring out Verne Gagne, Ted Turner, and Bret Hart in clown suits. The Bisch has arrived and he's ready to address the bevy of Raw roster members. John Coachman makes it clear early that he's not happy with Joey at the announce position. He warns him with, "Don't get on the Coach's backside!" Yeah, Coach. Keep him off your tushee. J.S. thanks his mediocre announce partner and we turn our attention to the WCW guy in the suit. Uncle Eric touts his challenge to Teddy Long for a ten man match at Survivor Series. Why did he make such a challenge? Well, because he knows that Raw will rule at the PPV. Hell, he's done made two matches for the Series. Let's see how you guys like these apples. Ric Flair against Triple H in a Last Man Standing Match. Then from there we get Kurt Angle against...Cena! Crowd pops. (JG Note: If you read Miss Mallory's Raw Report, you know that they haven't done Raw from this arena in like nine years. Something tells me these people would pop huge if Eric were to announce that the main event would be Gene Snitsky facing a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.) He starts to name the wrestlers who will comprise the Monday Nigh Raw Team. You get the World Tag Team Champions Big Show and Kane! Joining them will be their captain...Shawn Michaels! Wait a minute. We get Taker's brother, Andre's son, and Bentley's cousin. What about the other two slots? Well, who's gonna step up? Who's gonna take it?

Carlito raises his hand. You know how bad he wants it? Well, he'll give up the Cabana! (JG Note: Yeah, boss. I'll prove my dedication to the company by doing less work.) Carl says that he's not a talk show host. He's a WRESTLER. Wow. He said it. In fact, he's the BEST WRESTLER OUT HERE. Wow. He said it twice. The Puffy Headed Mr. Wrestling volunteers his coolness for the Survivor Series. That sounds cool...to everyone except for that guy.

You know. The guy who teamed with Charlie Haas. Come on. You know who I'm talking about. The guy that people seem to like but WWE doesn't, so they ignore him. No, not Steven Richards. Not Rob Van Dam. No, not Christian. He quit. Come on. Ben Vareen? Brian Benben? Oh Shelton Benjamin! That's it. I blanked out for a second. I forgot all about him. Anyway, Shelton seems to think that he's entitled to the spot. He asks Coolio if he's "high." SB uses his 45 seconds of mic time for the year by offering his services for Bischoff's Raw World Order. Easy E ponders the thought and then makes the match for tonight. Carly faces Shelly. Winner goes to the Series. Now who else is down for a spot?

Trevor Murdoch takes the mic and stands on the ropes. He says that he and his partner were screwed at Taboo Tuesday against Kane and Big Show. He tells the General Manager that his team wants to "reenvokasize" their rematch clause. E.B. grants the match and then looks around for another person to talk to.

Stand Back! Gregory is coming through! The Artist Formerly Known as the Hurricane chimes in with a request for Grandpappy Bischoff. He wants a chance to face off against "that fat piece of garbage over there." He's talking about Rosey. Hey! Rose isn't fat. He's just...well, fat. He's fat. Santa Bisch grants this wish too. We get the Green Goblin against the 1 1/2 minute warning. Bout time they did something with these two that didn't require a broadband connection to see.

Mickie James then gets everyone's attention and orders us all to cheer for Trish Stratus. Why? Cause Trish won the Taboo Tuesday Battle Royal. Everyone appears to be freaked out by this stalker-like behavior and Eric offers up a, "Yeah, alright. Whatever." (JG Note: I have to say, I rip on Bischoff a lot, but when it comes to dry delivery, he's better than most. He has an arrogant quality to him. Whereas Vince McMahon has the arrogant quality as well, it's mixed with the batshit insane quality too. EB isn't insane. He's just arrogant. For him, it works.)

Sleazy E finishes us off by turning our attention to Edge and Lita. He invites the Mattitude Killers into the squared circle and shows us some footage from Taboo Tuesday. You know what Edge said there? You'll never guess.

"You see, I don't care about you. I don't care about Raw. And I certainly don't care about what you people want or voted for. I do care about one thing, though. I care about me!"
- Edge, Taboo Tuesday

In all fairness to Adam, I don't care much about Raw either. The crowd chants "asshole" and Copeland becomes enraged. Uncle Eric tells the duo that they have some work to do on Friday night. Yeah. The Edgeman and Miss Amy are heading to Smackdown. While there, Edgemire will face...Batista in a Street Fight. The GM informs The Hardy Girl and her beau to stay off of Raw until they get the job done. As a shocked Lita and Edge leave the ring, a raspy voiced Bisch leads us all in a "Na, na, na, na" sing-a-long. Bye, bye, boys. Have fun storming the castle!

Commercial Break. The new Call of Duty Video Game is called "Big Red One." When told about the title, Kane reportedly said, "Yeah, that's what she said." When the reporter told him that the joke made no sense, Kane reportedly set him on fire.

1. Carlito pinned Shelton Benjamin with a roll-up At one point, Jerry Lawler says he has to give Shelton Benjamin his "props." (JG Note: Jerry either thinks this is a term that the kids say or that black people say. I'm leaning towards the latter.) The match itself is fairly good and everything appears to be hunky-dory until Jerry Lawler refers to this upcoming pay-per-view as the "27th Annual Survivor Series."

For a second, I think "Wow, I'm old." Then I realize that I'm not that old. Someone backstage must have realized this insane error and informed Coachman that this was the 21st Annual Survivor Series! Is it? Stay tuned...

When all was said and done, this was a pretty good match. The winner was obvious, but both men still did a great job and gave us something to watch. The ending saw Carlito, having worked on Shell's knee the entire match, finally rolling up Benji while holding the ropes to secure his spot among the Monday Night Five. Lillian rolls the Rs and we prepare for Trish and Mickie James against Candice Michelle and Victoria.

Backstage, Stratus is trying to calm down her psycho fan Mickie James. A wide eyed Mickie doesn't hear her, though. She's as crazy as ever. As she leaves, Stats rolls her eyes in frustration. I find it great that has WWE based a character on 90% of the women I've dated in my life.

Commercial Break. You can have such a dial-up internet connection so ...you'll swear it's broadband! Of course, you can just get broadband. It's not illegal or anything.

2. Victoria and Candice Michelle defeated Women's Champion Trish Stratus and Mickie James This match was "verse, chorus, verse" as the Nirvana song goes. It was nothing different than what you've seen from the divas. On the plus side, Joey Styles added tremendously to this match and always had the right type of enthusiasm for the female performers. That's not too say that the women haven't been improving somewhat. Candy Mish has this reverse Tarantula thing she does now. Remember when she fell on her face while hanging upside down a few week ago? Well she hangs in the exact same position, only she grasps her opponent's head in her legs. Ending saw Stats and MJ playing the Bushwhackers (JG Note: Nah...too easy.) They use the Battering Ram and appeared to have everything all sown up for victory. Sadly for Mick, she can't defend against a magic wand. The female Harry Potter with implants, Candice, takes her wand and slams it into Swimfan. James falls to the mat and Candice Michelle covers her for the win. Mickie loses. Good job, Alexis. Melina warned us about you.

Commercial Break. The network television premiere of "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days" will be on USA. The station will then air it for three nights in a row. It's all part of USA's new concept: "How to Lose Our Viewers in Three Days."

Taboo Tuesday Rewind Thing. (JG Note: No Steve Austin. I have to agree with Crazy Uncle Ralph in this week's Sandow, Rickard, and Crazy Uncle Ralph. Get Steve Austin some robots and be done with it!)

Big Show and Kane are huffing and puffing backstage. Show asks his demented partner about tonight's strategy for Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch. The Big Red Machine gives an answer that involves pain, suffering, and all that demonic good stuff. At this point, Biggie looks like he's stained himself. With eyes full of love and admiration, he tells his Monster partner that his speech was "just beautiful." Big Red walks off while his Giant partner stares off longingly. Oh, I, I, I, I, I, I...Show don't want any-body else...when he thinks about Kane, he touches himself. Oh, oh, oh. He don't want any-body else. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no....

Commercial Break. "Show Them The Way - The Axe Effect." I have no idea what the hell that's supposed to mean. If they're saying that people will ask you directions if you wear Axe Body Spray, then I say screw that. I hate giving directions.

3. Gregory Helms pinned Rosey after the Shining Wizard. I gotta be honest, Greg Helms has Sunday Night Heat written all over him. His gimmick is generic. His turn wasn't treated as anything close to a big deal. Lastly, having his size in World Wrestling Entertainment is like having a box of Snausages in your underpants at a dog show. It's not good, Helmsy. The best Gregory can do at this point is hope that something happens that leads to Triple H leaving WWE under bitter circumstances. Then Vince can repackage him as Gilberg-like gimmick mocking Hunter. Call him Hunter Hearst Helms. I know, it's a stretch, but it's seriously his only hope at this point. This match also marked the first chink in the Joey armor when Styles referred to Helms and Rosey as "a great team." Proving that Joe is the new Coachman and Coachman is the new J.R., Lawler tells John that he's not needed out there. According to the King, he and the Voice of ECW did fine at Taboo Tuesday without him. To which JC replies that he has no comment. (JG Note: Ouch. We should call this show the "Vince Indirectly Abuses the Announcers Show.")The former Great Gazoo pinned the former S.H. in Training after nailing him with the Shining Wizard. That'll give him a shiner! Ha ha ha! Ahhh....whatever.

Up next, Lance Cade and Trevor the Cable Guy meet Kane and Big Show in a hardcore match. Styles says he feels like he's at home.

Commercial Break. Learn to play Poker on Bodog. net? Whatever happened to the way it was back in my day? You'd learn poker from the one-eyed bum in the alley with the knife and the wooden leg. You win. You win big. You lose. You lose a finger. We were a bunch of one eyed, fingerless poker experts and we liked it!

4. World Tag Team Champions Kane and the Big Show defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch when Kane pinned Cade This match showed why Joey Styles was truly needed in the announce booth. Let me qualify that statement. Joey wasn't needed. Someone with common sense was needed. Coachman and Lawler both laughed about the stupidity of Murdoch to ask for a Hardcore match. It took Styles to step in and ask, "How in the hell else would these two defeat Kane the Big Show without using weapons?!" Hmmm. Wow. Logic. Of course, Johhny Coach replies, "I don't have an answer for that." You damn right, man. You know what bothered me in this match? Trevor Murdoch wore red trunks. I don't know. It just doesn't feel right. He shouldn't be wearing red. He should be killing men who wear bright red. You don't see too many inbred hillybilly rapists wearing bright summer colors, you know? This match was alright, albeit a bit short. In the end, Dead Eye Trevor found himself on the receiving end of a Kendo Stick shot to the tummy and back. Lance was hit by a Big Show avalanche. To quote Vince McMahon in the old WrestleMania arcade game, it was "a total debacle." They took Murdoch, placed a garbage pail on his head, and kicked it while it was leaning against the ring post. Garrison tried to crawl away during all this, but was caught by Biggie and the Red Machine. They clear Joey, Jerry, and Johnny from the announce table and Kane-o uses his chokeslamming abilities to put Cade through it. We get a three count and, after the replay, get our first "Oh my God!" You know, what would be really cool? Screw "Oh My God." Get Matt "Joe Schmo" Gould as the Raw commentator. Have him scream "What is going awwwwwn?" Now, that would be awesome. By the way, during this match we learned that this is, in fact, the 19th Annual Survivor Series. Wow. WWE's not big on numbers, huh? That explains a lot.

Joseph says that after the break, we'll have our main event. Uh, it's only 10:07pm. What is going awwwwwwwwwnnn?

Commercial Break. I'm pretty stoked about Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 for PS2 next week. I'm not a big video game guy, but I really dig the wrestling games. In the last few years, I've been more excited over the video games than the actual product. I keep telling myself that it's because the video games are really, really good, not because the shows are really, really...well, you know. Don't make me say it.

Kurt Angle is in the house. He's not happy, though. Seems these rude fans have chanted "you suck" at him. He doesn't like that. So, he decides to turn around, go through the curtain, and try again. Joey remarks, "Oh yeah, this is gonna work."

Kurt Angle is in the house. He still gets the same chant. No duh, Kurtis. Let's try it again, shall we? This time you better not be disrespectful or else you won't be getting a main event! Great. This oughta kill some time.

At this point, Angle is incensed! Fine! Chant! This is American Values? You let your kids chant "You Suck" at a gold medallist? Huh? You're abusing the first amendment! At this point, Kurt decides to unload on us like a friend who's opened up too much. His baby girl...well, she took her first steps and her daddy wasn't there! No! Ang was wrestling for you people! Not only that, get this, his wife...his wife left him! His whole family is gone because he put this business in front of them! (JG Note: Oh. It's the fault of the fans that happened? I thought it was because of the bestiality and, you know, that other thing.) Your Olympic Champion calls the arena "selfish bastards" and told everyone that they suck. Tell you what, Sucky Sucksteins. You don't get no main event. Ha! No main event for you! Soup takes his leave and we're apparently stuck without a main event! Oh no! That hasn't happened since last week when Steve Austin left.

Commercial Break. The Jake Roberts DVD looks pretty good. Although, if he had never done drugs, I wonder what he'd have to talk about now.

In the locker room, Eric Bischoff confronts Kurt Angle on his main event walk out. You need to be in there! Eric needs a main event! Angle gives his two demands to compete tonight. First, he wants the crowd to stop chanting. Second, he wants to hand pick a special guest referee. Although unsure of how he'll censor the crowd, Bisch agrees to both terms and the man who's wife YOU SCARED AWAY gets ready for his match.

You can totally tell that Triple H is related to the owner of WWE. Know why? Because he gets a big comfy leather chair when he sits on the entry way. That's right. Captain Fuzzface is here to watch Ric Flair's match against Rob Conway. Instead of sitting on one of those crappy steel chairs, he has a big soft leather chair. What a lucky bastard. When I was in elementary school, this kid named Joe was the son of the woman who ran the PTA. He told us that he owned the swing set on the playground because his mom "owned" the PTA. We were like 8, so we believed him and sort of resented him. I kind of feel like that's how Hunter must come off. The only difference being that Trips actually does own the swingset. Think about that and meet me back here after the commercial.

Commercial Break. The Devil's Rejects is coming to DVD. How exciting can a movie be when it's about guys who couldn't make it onto a hockey team? Sounds like a pretty flimsy plotline.

5. WWE Intercontinental Champion Ric Flair defeated Rob Conway via Figure Four Submission. Flair was introduced as the "man who beat Triple H at Taboo Tuesday." Ouch. Rob Conway earned this title shot by defeating such great competitors as Koko B. Ware and Greg Valentine. Yeah. Style groups Flair into the Koko category of "legend" that RC's been fighting. Coachman quickly jumps in to say "He's a different type of legend." Good save, John. Good save. This match was OK, but nothing special. Ric was obviously holding on to the title in this one, even though it would have made more sense to put the belt on Conway through Hunter interference. I wish they would stop using the titles as side props in feuds and start using the titles to elevate wrestlers. That's what they're there for. Flair doesn't need that belt. Rob does. Instead, it was a tap out loss for the Con Man and a post match ass-whooping for the Nature Boy.

The Game beat down the Dirtiest Player in Him for a brief while, but found himself on the receiving end of some punishment as well. The attack quickly morphed into a brawl and these former BFFs ended up being separated by the officials. It didn't stop the violence as the two of them kept breaking free and fought their way into the commercial break.

Still to come the Cats in the Cradle Dad teams up with the Narcissist to face the Manhunter and not Marty Jannetty, the other one.

Commercial Break. Smackdown magazine has a story about the Undertaker rising from the dead. I'm worried that they're going to start asking us to pray to him too.

Lita runs into Eric Bischoff backstage. She implies that she would make it worth Bischoff's while to release Edge from Smackdown duty on Friday. He refuses. So, she shows him her boobs. Again, he refuses. He tells her to "put those things back where they belong." He tosses her out of the arena and calls her a slut. Imagine. Free sex! Come on, Leets. Eric doesn't do that. He can afford to buy the good stuff, baby.

Kurt Angle shows up and the joke here is that the audience is beeped out every time they chant "you suck." This gets a big duh from me as Angle grins the whole time. How he could hear the beeping was beyond me. The beep was done in editing, yet Captain Crazy seemed to hear it live in the arena. There's logic holes and then there's common sense holes. I guess that at no point did Kurt think, "Hey, I can't really hear the beeps. Maybe it's dumb to react like I can." Nope. He grinned.

Everyone comes to the ring for the main event and we await the introduction of our guest referee...

Allllieennnnnsss.....Aliens....Alieeeeennnnnssss....

David Duchovny? No. It's Shawn Daivari! He's back! He's back! One of the characters so tasteless that the people at UP friggin' N said it was below their standards has come home to the Dr. Heiny show! Yay! Let's strap some explosives on this guy and make some headlines, Vince! Show them newspapers that they can't buck with your big balls! Hooray!

6. Kurt Angle and Chris Masters defeated Shawn Michaels and WWE Champion John Cena when guest ref Daivari disqualified Cena. Weird match. You didn't really get a feel for why Daviari was here. Much like the non-mentioned Vader and Goldust, Khrosow seemed to have no rhyme or reason for appearing. I'm sure the writers have one in their heads, but sadly I lost my mind-reading ability when I was kicked by a donkey back in '83. Would it have taken much effort to bring Daivari out maybe three segments earlier so he can cut a pre-match promo explaining his stance? Throwing a character back onto the screen cold with no backstory doesn't help anyone. It didn't here. The match itself was alright and Cena seemed to be doing OK. Although I still think that John would benefit from a heel turn, he remains one of WWE's top names. Sure the current wrestling landscape is dilapidated. Of that dilapidated landscape, the C-Man stands pretty high on the mountain though. You can't deny that. Does he have faults? Sure. Are a lot of them easily corrected? Sure. Is anyone correcting them? No. That doesn't mean he's not over. It just means he's not as over as he could be. Hassan's ex-manager kept giving slow counts to the babyfaces and fast counts to the heels. This enraged the WWE Champion who got into the ref's face. In a fit of rage, referee Daivari responded with a chairshot. John fell to the ground and Khrosow disqualified him...for falling, I guess. Weird. (JG Note: The actual DQ was because HBK swung the chair and hit Masters.) He raises Angle's hand in victory.

Joey Styles went crazy over the decision and was told to calm down by the Coach. Yeah. Wouldn't want too much emotion. Let's all take a nap. Styles sends us home by repeating "Sucks! Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!" as we fade to black.

All in all...Not a bad show. It was better then reason weeks. Then again, I've had splinters that were more pleasant than the Raws in recent weeks.

The bottom line is that WWE is ramping up towards Survivor Series. Make no mistake. This is the best WWE can offer at this point. They put their best foot forward for the big PPVs and this is no exception. The way the Series plays out will be indicitive of what we have to look forward to as the journey towards WrestleMania 22 begins. I wonder how many witty statements Hunter has come up with to combat John Cena's catchphrases. We know about "I won't get some, I'll come take some." However, those who saw that online video also know we have, "I can't see you? No. I can see you. That's the problem" to look forward to. Oh Hunter. Kill him. Make the bad babyface go away.

That's long term bitching, though. I'm fast forwarding ahead. As of now, things are OK. Hopefully this trek towards the November pay show won't be as predictable as it seems. Maybe they can mix things up somehow. How? No idea. Edge winning the World Title on Smackdown would be a good start, though.

That's it for this week. See you guys back here tomorrow for some more Insanity!