(JG Note: OK, so it
wasn't called "Raw Insanity back then, but I told
you I'd repost it, so here it is...in all its perverted
glory.)
October 21, 2002
Nashville, Tennessee, at the Gaylord Entertainment Center
(Cue the No Mercy Promo)
Videos shown from last night’s PPV with this music
mixed to this audio track: “Kane!…A Truth
Told…Murderer! You are a…. Fueled by…You!…Guilt
Poisons The Soul…It’s something I have to
live…You Killed Katie Vick! …. I am not…It
was an accident…Kane!….Where’s the Beef…Blah…Murderer….I
didn’t mean to…One Champion….Ugh”
Show opens as we are greeted by what is sure to be the
new theme song to Raw in the upcoming months….
“It’s all about the Game and how you push
him!”
I suppose we’re not even pretending that HHH isn’t
the focus of everything on Raw. Hunter makes his way up
the ramp followed by Ric Flair. I brace myself. This could
be the turning point. I mean, the bottom line was that
this terrible Katie Vick murder angle had to play itself
out until the Pay Per View and then they would just sweep
it away. There isn’t a question right?
With that Hunter speaks. He speaks to all of us. He makes
reference to the boys in the back, the fans, and the “writers”
(hey! Is he talking about me? Oh my God he’s…probably
talking about Wade…nevermind) and how they questioned
him being handed the title. With a breath of confidence
and a look that seems to say “I could draw a quarter
hour rating of .02, pee on child at ringside, and still
be booked in the main event of Wrestlemania” blurts
out ‘SCREW YOU!’. It’s almost as if
Triple H lives on Planet Cheese – where everything
that is cheesy is actually really cool. He proclaims how
he has defeated every single person he has faced and how
last night he ended 23 years of Intercontinental Title
history. He sums it up with how he can do as he pleases
and no one can do anything about it. He then goes on to
say that he does it because in this world he is “untouchable”.
Of course by “untouchable” he means “overexposed
and unentertaining”. Flair nods at this point because
under those parameters – he too is “untouchable”
at his age. It is announced that Kane is not yet in the
building (JG Note: How come wrestlers show up to work
an hour or two late?). HHH then proceeds to make some
of the most ridiculous ‘Katie Vick murder”
references he could possibly make. I’m talking cornball
city, kids – “I hope he didn’t get into
a car accident and murder someone, huh huh”….
Honestly, you want to do this whole stupid angle –
fine. But, for the Love of all that is holy…please
write at a level above “moron”. But why isn’t
Kane there? Well, buckle up – it’s all downhill
from here.
The Game announces that he has answered the question
as to whether Kane had relations with Katie prior following
her death (JG Note: See how I cleaned that up for you?).
He has his grandfather, Ric Flair, hold up videotape.
Flair holds aloft a video from TDK (my girlfriend works
there – shout out). The answers to all this and
more can be found on this video. At this point I’ll
watch it. Not because I’m curious, but because I’d
rather watch anything but another 20 minute Hunter Hearst
Helmsely promo. However, as the superhero sent to save
me from impeding boredom, The Hurricane runs down the
aisle and takes out Old Man Ric. He then lays out Trips
and grabs the (TDK) tape. As he rushes from the ring,
he is jumped by Team Nose and they continue their assault.
H Cubed then delivers another chesseball verbal warning
to the Hurricane – something about “dead”
or “Katie Vick is dead”, something stupid
about dead. With his TDK tape in hand, he then leaves.
The moral of this segment: We always play Hunter’s
music as we go to….
Commercial Break. “Kane you killed Katie Vick!
You’re a murderer!” – Bad writing. Another
unfortunate side effect of hunger. Grab a Snickers.
We’re back from the break with a recap of Al Snow’s
…umm…heel….uh…I think it was a
heel turn…tease?….I don’t know –
just a shot of Al Snow helping Chris Nowinksi.
1. Chris Nowinski pinned Jeff Hardy following
interference by Al Snow Jeff Hardy is starting
to look like an evil clown on heroin. He’s missing
something right now and it’s hard to put your finger
on it. Like most members of Vince’s company, he
seems to be on the cusp of stardom, but something is not
quite there. Nowinski is also capable of great things
and has a strong future in this business. Sick top rope
leap by Hardy right over the refs back onto Nowinski on
the floor. Nothing like seeing a Harvard graduate’s
head bounce on concrete to make me feel better about going
to work tomorrow. Lawler makes reference to Kane’s
semen to which JR responds “There’s no semen
in wrestling!” For the record, there is semen in
wrestling – just not the semen of a big burnt red
machine. Val Venis the porn star…yeah. Godfather
the pimp…ok. Goldust the Kinky Perv…understandable.
The burnt guy who was locked in a basement for 20 years…I
don’t see it. Sorry, JR. If you say that this angle
is sensible, you’re either lying or drunk. End came
when Al Snow pulled Chris Nowinski out of the path of
Jeff’s top rope Swanton Bomb. Nowinski left alone
– once again leaving Al Snow as a tweener. Now the
question of the day. What is puffy, white, and filled
with unrealized dreams and resentment?
Eric Bischoff’s face…is shown watching a
videotape of his altercation with the Big Show last night.
Show tosses Eric into a wall as retaliation for not booking
him properly (JG Note: This sets off a trend as the entire
Raw roster lines up outside the writers’ cars after
the show). A knock at the door brings in Stacey Kiebler
who requests to be a ref tonight. Eric huffs and allows
her to ref any match she sees fit, except the main event
(HHH/Flair v RVD/Kane)– which is so perfect we can’t
dare upset it. Stacey skips out of the office, mostly
out of excitement because if it was Vince McMahon playing
the role of GM in this segment – it would end with
her making out with him. She greets the Big Show on the
way out. He enters and Eric proceeds to have a cold black
rock to heart chat with the Show. He talks of their friendship
in the past and agrees not to hold a grudge. In fact –
tonight, it’s Big Show versus Rico….and Jamal…and
Rosy. It’s going to be a three on one handicap match.
Show appears angry and storms off. Eric stares off at
him as he leaves, envisioning how many friends he would
have if only he still had WCW. Quit you’re middle-aged
regretful daydreaming, Eric! Instead, watch this….
Commercial Break. Twix is all in the mix. By “All
In The Mix”, we mean “Stuck in 1990”.
I keep waiting for Bobby McFerrin to come running in and
make funny noises.
We return and see Tommy Dreamer confront Al Snow. Maybe
Tommy can’t figure out where Al stands either. No
matter, tonight it’s Dreamer Vs Snow in a Singapore
Cane Match. Dreamer leaves and Snow calls out to him like
Juliet. Cue Nowinski who comes strutting from the curtain.
He tells Al that his help is not needed. He says that
he didn’t need it on Tough Enough and doesn’t
need it now. Wow, poor Al. With friends like this, no
wonder he used to talk to a mannequin head.
Introducing the UnAmericans with short hair. Lance Storm
had gone from long tights to short trunks (JG Note: Isn’t
it funny how we accept guys like The Rock and Ric Flair
wearing small trunks to wrestle, but when Storm or someone
go from long to short – they look like they’re
wearing underwear? Weird, huh?). Quick promo. They don’t
like America. I don’t like N’Sync. Everybody’s
got a gripe.
2. Bubba Ray and Spike Dudley downed William
Regal and Lance Storm when Spike pinned Regal
What a way to bring back Bubba. They go buck silly jamming
him down our throats prior to his injury and then bring
him back with no buildup whatsoever. See saw basic match
with Kane arriving to the building halfway through. I
know I harp on this every week, but why are Bubba and
D-Von, perhaps the most decorated team in history, still
tagging but with new partners? Who thinks this is a good
idea? What is the big picture? Am I missing something?
Well, Bubba and Spike become #1 contenders to the tag
team titles when Spike pins Regal after a “Dudley
Dog”. Post match antics sees Storm hold Spike for
a Regal brass knuckles punch to the midsection. Spike
bleeds from the mouth – could just be his gums bleeding.
Say, if you have bleeding gums – you should brush
your teeth…what better time to do that than….
Commercial Break. You see that Godzilla game for Gamecube.
I rented it. Ugh. Tell you what, instead of renting it
– send me $5.
We’re back. Trish is doing a photo shoot. She finishes
up and the photographer asks her about Victoria. (JG Note:
Inner Dialogue of the photographer – “Look
at her face. Look at her face. Look at her face”).
The Raw Tag Champs, Christian and Chris Jericho confront
her. They tend to agree with Victoria’s claims that
Trish left her behind. Christian points to the time when
Trish crawled on her hands and knees in the ring and barked
like a dog. I find it amazing that Trish’s “dog
segment” from 2 years ago is remembered, but Kane
could be at a party in 1992. Team Chris(tian) Jericho
proceed to talk of their achievements and Jericho begins
to play the role of the tool for my amusement. Not a bad
exchange, built up the 6-man match for Trish/Booker/Goldust
v Jericho/Christian/Vicki. It just seemed to have no real
end - as has been the problem with Raw in recent weeks/months.
Jericho finishes by inviting Trish to his locker room
for “Vitamin C” – which appears to be
a reference to sex, not the pop singer who did that stupid
graduation song.
“Hey Kids! Who wants to help roll Uncle Eric up
the ramp?”
“WE DO! WE DO!”
Cue Eric Bischoff. Let’s skip the formalities.
New York gets Survivor Series this year at MSG. Stephanie
McMahon will not out-promote Eric. So this year he will
unveil “The Raw Elimination Chamber”. It sounds
like a bad kid’s games how pilot that he tried to
push to Turner. He spits out the words and pauses. I prepare
myself for the big explanation of what this match entails.
The camera closes in on Eric’s pastey white cheeks
and we…cue his music. Promo over. Moral of this
Segment: If we give you no other reason to watch next
Monday – tune in to learn about this Chamber thing.
Stacey Kiebler is seen walking. But what match is she
refereeing? Maybe she’s reffing the…
Commercial Break. The Spare Rib ain’t just ribs.
In fact…that might not even be ribs.
Promo – Battista is coming. I’m telling you,
it’s taking all my positive energy to hope against
hope that they take Battista to the level he should be
at. He’s got such incredible potential. You just
need a hook to get him over – you already did the
murder/rape angle. What else you got?
3. Test pinned D-Lo Brown with help from guest
ref Stacey Kiebler Oh D-Lo, it’s like you
never left. You were jobbing when I saw you last, too.
I hope that Test’s time out of the spotlight is
officially over. He’s improved so much over the
past year or so and definitely needs to be showcased on
a higher level than he’s been. Stacey conveniently
misses all of D-Lo’s pin attempts and only comes
around after Test nails the big kick. A quick three count
and it appears that Miss Stacey and Mr. Test are an item,
mirroring their personal lives. They're like Stephanie
and Hunter only they have absolutely no political power.
Terri is standing backstage with Victoria. If done for
no other reason, this interview makes Terri look taller
when standing next to Vicki. Goldust comes in halfway
through his ex-wife’s interview and cuts off Victoria.
He questions her claims against Trish. She begins to argue
back when Booker comes on in. They begin to discuss their
6-man match tonight. Booker T tells her that her partner,
Chris Jericho, can’t spell his name without the
“HO” – making reference to Vic’s
“previous life” in WWE as a “ho”.
The only question for Victoria is if she can dig that….SUCKA!!!!!!
Goldust slaps her butt on the way out and I slap my feet
up to enjoy this…
Commercial Break. How come Taco Bell commercials never
show drunk people crawling through the drive through on
their hands and knees at 1am trying to see how many tacos
they can get with 11 quarters? My college was right near
a late night drive through. Trust me, it’s a key
demographic.
If I’m ever drowning, throw Trish to me and watch
me float ashore. Trish is the first one announced followed
by Goldust (JG Note: Does anyone realize how far Dustin
Rhodes has ridden this gimmick? You have to applaud this
guy). Finally out is Booker T. With that we get set for
action.
4. Chris Jericho, Christian, and Victoria defeated
Booker T, Goldust, and Trish Stratus when Jericho forced
Trish to tap out to the Walls of Jericho I don’t
know. This match, much like the rest, seemed to lack.
There’s a missing spark to this show as a whole
and it takes away from the overall product. I take my
hat off to everyone involved in this match as it really
did showcase some sold wrestling. Great exchange as Goldust
spread eagled Jericho and was stopped by Vicki. Dust then
laid a lip lock on her and tossed her across the ring
into the waiting groin of Jericho. Chris recovered, clotheslined
Trish, and locked in the Walls. Again, good match –
but with 6 good wrestlers, it’s not easy to put
on a poor match.
Hunter is seen handing the (TDK) tape to the production
truck. OK, if you can handle it, I can handle it. Before
I tackle this, let me unwind and clear my head with a
….
Commercial Break. Six Flags Haunted Theme Park. So Six
Flags turned their whole park into a haunted house, huh?
Well Vince turned Raw into crap. Beat that…haunted
house, indeed.
We are back from the break and join JR and the King at
the Nitro position. Jerry shills for the (TDK) videotape
and I can’t tell if he’s the world’s
best actor or if he likes the angle. Either way, Jerry
Lawler is a strange guy. We are shown Terri, who is standing
outside Kane’s locker room. She will have the first
words with Kane following the video footage. I still think
it’s weird that one day…Kane just started
talking. Now he won’t shut up.
The coach is standing with Hunter in the back. In a question
that must have been asked of Stephanie McMahon countless
times “Why are you doing this?” is posed to
HHH. He gives the same canned answer that should have
been audio taped three weeks ago and replayed every time.
“Kane’s a murderuh….”. Cue the
Warning – Cue the Tape…
(JG Note: I want to make a few things perfectly clear
before I continue. I am a firm believer that in this world
there is no taboos. Honestly, there is nothing in my opinion
that is too sacred to be used as fodder for humor or dramatic
purposes. Despite the fact that a serious angle involving
murder and rape is quite counterproductive to the psychology
of wrestling, I can understand the writers’ desires
to carry this story out to the end. They want to finish
what they began and that is commendable. In fact, if we
learned nothing from the Big Show “Dead Daddy”story,
it’s that anything, when written correctly can be
enjoyable. With that said, I want to go on record that
this vignette, or pre-taped segment if you will, is probably
one of the poorest written, badly acted, and hastily overblown
vignettes not only in the history of wrestling, but the
history of Television. If ever in my life I have ever
been embarrassed to admit that I watched WWE, it was during
this segment. There was no shred of wit whatsoever. The
jokes were barely humorous and the angle itself was too
graphically portrayed to hold any sort of comedic value.
Enough of all that…let me give you the rundown…)
HHH enters a funeral home room dressed as Kane. Jokingly
he says “I am Kane”. Right off the bat, this
is going to be the humor of the story. This is the big
pay off to make all us “Internet Smarks” look
dumb for accusing WWE of playing this too straight. Hunter
approaches “Katie Vick’s body” in the
casket. He talks about the accident and how it only occurred
because she wouldn’t let him touch her. At this
point, it begins to drag on. Hunter appears almost hammy
as he continues to stretch out the segment. It continues
downward as Triple H laments how he wishes he could touch
her “breasts” and then proceeds to fondle
the body. He then begins to remove the clothing, stopping
to smell her panties and remark that he loves the smell
of formaldehyde in the morning, and strip down to his
underwear before climbing into the coffin and simulating
sex with the dead body. Can anyone tell me why it would
make Kane look bad if Hunter showed a video of himself
dressed up and having sex with a corpse? Doesn’t
it make HHH look bad? Can anything make him look good
at this point? Cameras pan the candles as Hunter thrusts
away as if his push depended on it. Following the deed,
Triple H reaches to this corpse’s head, pulls out
a pile of “goo” and exclaims “I screwed
her brains out”. Well, eight minutes all so he could
say the stupid “brains” line? Bad. Just bad.
No effort. I will be totally honest with all of you, any
spark of creativity within this segment might have done
some good. To me it was the amateur hour all over again.
We cut back to a laughing HHH with the Coach. The crowd
has absolutely no reaction as Hunter leaves and we cut
to Terri. Terri opens Kane’s door and it is promptly
shut on her. He must be upset over the fact that he lost
eight minutes of his life watching that too. Terrible.
Just…God…terrible…ugh….
Commercial Break. Letting Triple H do eight-minute long
monologue segments featuring necrophilia and gaps in logic
– another unfortunate side effect of hunger. Grab
a Snickers.
5. Tommy Dreamer beat Al Snow in a Singapore
Cane Match following botched interference from Christopher
Nowinski Now, these are the type of situations
I’m talking about. I was looking forward to this
match. I mean, really – when I first read the preview
of Raw on the web today, this was the bout I wanted to
see. Luckily for me, it followed Hunter Hearst Helmsely
“stickin it” to a mannequin in a coffin. Very
nice. I guess there was some canes in this match or something.
Who knows. I watched it. But the Pope and Elvis singing
“Moon River” on the back of a Flying Unicorn
couldn’t follow that vignette. God. How does one
angle destroy an entire show? I lived through the early
90’s! I’ve seen bad booking! Erik Watts? PN
News? Oh man…this Katie Vick thing is king. Finish
saw some good stick hits followed by Nowinski taking a
swing at Tommy and mistakenly nailing Al Snow. At least
someone got nailed mistakenly for a change. Terrible…God
awful…terrible…
Commercial Break. Taco Bell – think outside the
bun. That is directly opposite of the Raw writing team
who have to think in the buns – because their heads
are jammed up them.
6. Big Show defeated Rosy, Jamal, and Rico when
Show pinned Rosy Well, Rosy and Jamal, your
push ended about, oh I would say, three minutes ago. I
suppose they are trying to make Show into the unstoppable
Giant. This is a smart move, although it’s not going
to be easy to undo 3 years of sloppy pushes for him. He
seemed to play the part well and I think that if given
the right amount of trust and build up, he could still
make a ton of money for this company. Lots of classic
triple teaming on the Show. The big finish saw Show clean
house and nail Rosy with a chokeslam. Short and to the
point, the way it should have been.
Shawn Michaels is wheeling himself to the main stage
at “The World” in Time Square. You know what
I’ve noticed? It seems that every two seconds we
take a…
Commercial Break. I am totally buying Mario Party 4 tomorrow.
If you have never played Mario Party you are really missing
out. Fun game, good graphics, and lots of sex with dead
people. I’m only joking with you – the graphics
aren’t that good.
Ultimate Warrior’s coming back November 12! Ha
ha. Just the new Anthology CD. HA HA! Made you care!
Coach is interviewing big Show when Eric Bischoff informs
him that he has been traded to Smackdown. Who did Eric
get in return? He didn’t say, but I hear its Funaki
and two dead bodies to be named later.
Stand back! That’s Hurricane in the parking lot
and he looks mad. Maybe he just realized that the eight-minute
corpse sex segment could have been used to show a match
of his.
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler intro the World and bring us
down to the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. We recap HHH
injuring Shawn at Summerslam (JG Note: If Hunter could
find a way to interfere in my Thanksgiving dinner and
challenge the Turkey, he would). Michaels is seen on a
wheelchair. He assures us that he is on the mend and looking
to return. After teasing the severity of his injuries
he leaps from the wheelchair and does a little HBK gyration
dance. The crowd loved him and Shawn appears to be more
over than ever. Say what you want, but no one can turn
an audience around like Shawn Michaels. Maybe he can turn
around the…
Commercial Break. CSI, eh? Is Triple H on it? No? Then
I’ll watch.
7. Rob Van Dam and Kane downed Ric Flair and
Triple H when RVD pinned Flair Hi, I’m
Ric Flair, can you tell me where 1988 is? It’s over
Ric. Please…stop wrestling. Please. Rob Van Dam,
I forgot he was on this show. I can’t understand
how I’ve seen three of these guys all night and
the wrestler who wins the match is never shown until he’s
introduced. Rob has held his own through no help of the
bookers. Match went back and forth until Kane chased HHH
into the back. Flair crotches Van Dam on the top rope
and works him with some low blows. There was a time when
Ric would strut across the ring in order to portray an
aura of arrogance. Now, he does it to stay awake. RVD
hits a karate kick followed by the Rolling Thunder. For
the second night in a row, he goes to the top rope and
hits the Nature Boy with a Frog Splash for the pin.
Cameras catch up to Kane and Hunter backstage and we
see The Big Red Murderer Guy Who Isn’t Really Burnt
And Talks exchange blows with the Game and reverse a pedigree
attempt into a slingshot on a car. Kane then chokeslams
HHH on the hood and tosses him into the trunk. Hurricane
closes him in and Kane delivers this line “Triple
H, hear me man? Now I’m gonna screw you! The only
question is, will you still be alive or will I just wait
till your dead?” J.R wonders aloud “What does
that mean?” as the camera roll off. The only thing
that could make an angle about murder and necrophila rape
worse is an angle about murder and GAY necrophilia rape.
You have your challenge boys….write it up for Monday.
All in all… I just want to say
that the main problem of this show is simple. The Katie
Vick story line is basis of the entire show. No matter
how talented the roster is (and they have an amazing roster
on Raw), the feeling is that everything else in this two-hour
block is buildup for Hunter and Kane’s angle. The
only problem is that HHH and Kane’s angle is terrible.
So, everything is brought down by out. If you have a strong
central story, you can focus your entire program around
it. The Katie Vick deal has been far from well received
and all the lame attempts to blame the “fickle fans”
for it’s unsuccessful run won’t change that.
It’s time to slowly fade it out and move on. I mean,
if you’re gonna splash Hunter all over my TV, at
least give him something believable to work with. Well
folks, it’s late and I have to go have nightmares
about The Game railing a skeleton. Join me this Thursday
in the Lounge and next Monday for the Raw Review. Terrible…terrible…
Pick
Up Beavis and Butthead Volume 1 on DVD
