By James Guttman
World Wrestling Entertainment is proud
to present its new merchandise guide for children. While
we don't market towards children, we feel it's important
to market towards children. Know what we mean? No? Go
to hell.
Item:
WWE's
Juvi Juice!
The
only juice pack fit for children and fully endorsed by
Juventud Guerrera!
Hey Kids!
This Juventud Guerrera, but you don't
call me Juice. How you want like have Juvi's Juice in
your mouth, you kiddies? You like Juice mouth yum yum?
The Juice say take the Juice and you open mouth for put
it in the Juicy Mouth. When the Mexicools come in your
arena, you come in the Juice for you mouth! That is because
of what in you say for the have it then! Juice!
Juice out, benches.
Juvi
* Juvi Juice contains
a number of vitamins found in many bodily fluids. Let's
just leave it at that.
Price:
$13/can
***
Item:
Diva
Diapers!
Is your daughter
a whore? We here at WWE know that there's only two answers
to that question. "Yes" or "Not Yet."
Help your little princess get a headstart on all the other
hoochies with these snazzy diapers. Go on, cram WWE pride
up her ass as soon as she pops out of your baby's momma.
They'll thank you for it when they're all grown up and
making Cinemax movies!
Price:
$15/dozen
***
Item:
Ric
Flair's Nuts
"Nuts"
and "Ric Flair." The words go hand in hand.
He grabs 'em.
He is 'em.
Now...he endorses
'em.
Pop them
in your kid's lunchbox now. Go on, parents. Make your
kids eat Ric Flair's Nuts.
Price:
$47/bag (available
in salty, crunchy, and bloody)
***
Item:
Linda
McMahon Halloween Costume
We're gonna
make money off this woman if it kills us. Let's be honest
here. What kid doesn't want to be Linda McMahon for Halloween?
What type of crappy kids did you raise that they wouldn't
want to dress up like Mrs. McMahon? Huh? Says a lot about
you as a parent, doesn't it? Huh, ya dipshit? Yeah - you.
Now buy the damn thing.
Price:
$147
***
Item:
WWE
Activity/Coloring Book
Choose
from:
Viscera's Magical Butt-Humping Forest
Snitsky's Toe Licking Bonanza
Stephanie McMahon's Boobie Dream House
or
Jim Ross Sucks
Price: $19.99 (except
the J.R. one. That's free)
***
