By James Guttman

World Wrestling Entertainment is proud to present its new merchandise guide for children. While we don't market towards children, we feel it's important to market towards children. Know what we mean? No? Go to hell.

Item: WWE's Juvi Juice!
The only juice pack fit for children and fully endorsed by Juventud Guerrera!

Hey Kids!

This Juventud Guerrera, but you don't call me Juice. How you want like have Juvi's Juice in your mouth, you kiddies? You like Juice mouth yum yum? The Juice say take the Juice and you open mouth for put it in the Juicy Mouth. When the Mexicools come in your arena, you come in the Juice for you mouth! That is because of what in you say for the have it then! Juice!

Juice out, benches.
Juvi

* Juvi Juice contains a number of vitamins found in many bodily fluids. Let's just leave it at that.

Price: $13/can

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Item: Diva Diapers!

Is your daughter a whore? We here at WWE know that there's only two answers to that question. "Yes" or "Not Yet." Help your little princess get a headstart on all the other hoochies with these snazzy diapers. Go on, cram WWE pride up her ass as soon as she pops out of your baby's momma. They'll thank you for it when they're all grown up and making Cinemax movies!

Price: $15/dozen

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Item: Ric Flair's Nuts

"Nuts" and "Ric Flair." The words go hand in hand.

He grabs 'em.

He is 'em.

Now...he endorses 'em.

Pop them in your kid's lunchbox now. Go on, parents. Make your kids eat Ric Flair's Nuts.

Price: $47/bag (available in salty, crunchy, and bloody)

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Item: Linda McMahon Halloween Costume

We're gonna make money off this woman if it kills us. Let's be honest here. What kid doesn't want to be Linda McMahon for Halloween? What type of crappy kids did you raise that they wouldn't want to dress up like Mrs. McMahon? Huh? Says a lot about you as a parent, doesn't it? Huh, ya dipshit? Yeah - you. Now buy the damn thing.

Price: $147

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Item: WWE Activity/Coloring Book

Choose from:
Viscera's Magical Butt-Humping Forest

Snitsky's Toe Licking Bonanza

Stephanie McMahon's Boobie Dream House

or

Jim Ross Sucks

Price: $19.99 (except the J.R. one. That's free)

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