Ric Flair: Macho Man Randy Savage…live and in living, by God, color. Whooo! Thank you for accepting our invitation to join us.

Randy Savage: I was told that Hulk Hogan would be here.

Triple H: Yeah, we lied about that. The reason we asked you here is because tonight, to mark my return to Raw, I'm debuting my new rap hit. I wanted your expert opinion on it. D.J. Trizzle Hizzle is back on Rizzle from Smizzle Dizzle to take the tizzle from Chrizzle Benwizzle.

Randy Savage: First things first, stop talking like that. OK, do your thing…Ooooo yeah!

(JG Note: To the tune of Eminem's "Without Me." Lyrics can be found by clicking here.)

Ric Flair: Guess who's back - back - back, Back again-gain-gain. Hunter's back-back-back, this Game don't end-end-end. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back…

Triple H: I've created a monster, cuz nobody wants the Crippler no more they want Hunter he's chopped liver.
Well if you want Hunter, yo - I feel ya, you get a bit o' frizz mixed with necro-philia,
YJStinger to jumpstart my heart quicker than a Pedigree shown on Spike TV , by the Dad even though it's agitating
cause I'm rocking Katie Vick tryin' to pop the rating.
You thought I was gone, so now the critics complain'
How I'm back, from the Smack cause Steph's voice is grating.
You know you got to job here, Hardy, You haven't won a match since my bachelor party.
So RVD's now on S.D., now let me be, and don't blame me.
They had those tables and Booker T, But it felt so empty without me
So come on Chris, try to keep this,
Screw that, give it here, you'll be on Heat in a year.
And get ready to see the Game only, I just finished all my movies,
"Suck it, Joanie!"

Now all of you will job for me,
So everybody just lay down for three,
Cuz it's all about the H in the W.E.,
And it felt so empty without me

I said you'll get over if job for me
So everybody - just follow me,
Cuz you can have a whole roster fans'd pay to see,
But it feels so empty without me.

You complainers, you'll never attain this, Embarrassed, cause I've achieved so much greatness.
They start feeling like bitchin' is helpless, Cause all I gotta say is "Yo, push me… Vince!"
I'm a visionary, and now that I'm married, I lead Evolution, Pollutin' the air waves - a Champ.
So let me just revel and bask, In the fact that I got Ric Flair kissing my ass,
And it's a disaster such a catastrophe Cause I'm that damn good, don't question me.
Well I'm back (nananananah) fix your bent antenna, I'm the real World Champ and then I'm gonna enter
back to the main event like it ain't no thing, The center of attention back for the spring.
I'm interesting, the best thing in wrestling, Infesting in McMahon's ears and nesting
Testing - "Attention Please" Feel the tension soon as someone crosses me,
Here's my 2 cents, I sell PPVs. A nuisance? Who says? You mark for me!

A tisket-a-tasket, I go…hey, Macho, where you going? Come back!

Randy Savage: This is too much even for me. I don't work here, I don't need to pretend. I'm leaving.

Triple H: But you didn't even see the big finale where I spit the bees!

Savage leaves the room without looking back.

Ric Flair: I liked it, Hunter.

Triple H: I know you did, Ric. I know you did.

***

Hi Hunter. Welcome home. So much has happened since you were last here. I don't even know where to begin. I'll start with Trish Stratus and Chris Jericho. The two of them had this awful falling out and she saddled up with Christian. Well tonight, get this, Trish is going to be on the Highlight Reel, hosted by Y2J! There's also a burning issue with your buddies, Batista and Ric Flair. The new tag champs have to defend against on-again, off-again buddies Shawn Michaels and Chris Benoit! What's more, Benoit and Michaels are fighting each other in the main event of Backlash! I wonder if you'll have anything to say about that tonight. Oh wait, you know all that because you were just here last week! Well, kick of your purple boots and stay a while, Gameboy. It wouldn't be Monday night without you. Fluff your hair, spit your water, and play the game, it's time for Raw!

March 29, 2004...Cincinnati

Recap of the lottery, Kurt Angle's General Manager debut, and Hunter spitting on his co-workers (both literally and figuratively.)

Raw Theme Plays. If everything began again, why do we still have the same damn theme song?

Jerry Lawler is in the house and he's joined by Jim Ross. Buckle up because tonight Dave Batista and Ric Flair defend the tag team titles against Shawn Michaels and World Champion Chris Benoit. Then, from there, Chris Jericho interviews his former boot-ay, Trish Stratus. It's a friggin' hootenanny!

The music sounds and Evolution steps through the curtain sans Triple H. Ric Flair, Randy Orton, and Batista are all carrying their gold and have something to say. The Nature Boy takes the microphone and he tells it like it is. Firstly, he and Davey B are super stoked to defend the tag straps against Benoit and Shawn. Not just that, but they're super-duper stoked to have Triple H tearin' ish up backstage in the locker room once again. Naitch proclaims that "the Franchise" is back (JG Note: Shane Douglas? Sting? McDonald's?) When Hunter got drafted last week, Slick Ric was all sad and lonely. Luckily, that lasted less than a day, cause Trippy got called back to Spike TV. All is right in the world. Well, not all right. For you see, Randy Orton is like Rodney Dangerfield with tattoos and a crew cut, he gets no respect. He's so damn mad that he begins to turn different shades of red and strip from his jacket. In order to explain his anger, Flair gets down on his knees and counts three, reenacting Ort's WrestleMania three count over Mick Foley. The Dirtiest Player in Triple H tells us that he is now demanding some Evolutionary respect from the audience. You know what? Instead of telling you himself, he'll let young Randall do the talking.

With a sore throat from last week's tonsillectomy, Randy begins to speak. Lawler says that most people would still be in the hospital from that. (JG Note: A week? Yeah. Maybe if they had a heart attack while waiting for the operation.) Horsy Ortsy says that his mere presence this week proves his superiority. He's in the house, unlike Mick Foley. It proves that Cactus Jack is a colossal coward. It proves that…

You sold out! You sold out!

Dude, why are you chanting "you sold out" to Mick Foley?

Well, because I…uh…because, well, I uh….I don't know what it means, ok? You happy?

Dude Love is in Cincinnati and he's slimmed down, beginning to look like a young Charles Manson. Oh, poor Randy. He's feeling unloved. Mick says that no matter what the fans think, you proved yourself at WrestleMania. You proved that you could win in a three-on-two match against "a Hollywood actor and a guy that writes children's books." What? Did he just say that? I guess I look at the Rock and Sock Connection differently now. If Foley thinks they're pushovers, maybe I should too. Hmmm. Mankind thinks that if Evolution wasn't around and Randy had to face Foley at Mania, one-on-one, the match would have been different. Mick would have kicked your little ass! (JG Note: So the guy who writes children's books would have won one on one?)

This sends Ric Flair into heart palpitations. Naitch screams that it's not true. Oh, it's not? How about mano e mano at Backlash, Randy faces Foley in a singles match with the Evolvers banned from the ring. Ric agrees. How about the Intercontinental Title on the line? Ric agrees. How about we make it a falls count anywhere hardcore match? Ric agrees again. (JG Note: How about Randy Orton ties both hands behind his back and wears a dress? He should have tried it, he was on a roll.) Well, that's great that you agree, Ric. What about the horse's mouth? Let's hear Randy say it. How about it?

"Will you become the Hardcore Legend at Backlash or will you always be a sniveling, no-guts, no-dues paying, oh my tonsils, little wimp?!" - Mick Foley, 9:13pm

This sends Flair into the aisle, snarling like a dog. Mickey threatens to knock him out and tells Orton to make with the decisions. The Legend Killer agrees. Cactus tells him that he better show up three times better than he is now, cause he's going to tear him apart. Jerry Lawler can't help but wonder what's going to happen when Triple H gets here. Can't forget about him.

La Resistance and Garrison Cade are giving the new guy the business like Eddie Haskell. They're surrounding Tajiri and offering him a rite of passage into their mid-card Raw club. The next guy that comes in that door - bam! - you mist him. After waiting a minute, John Coachman walks in and takes a face full of green spit. He stumbles all over and I have to admit, it was pretty funny. The Buzzsaw is thrilled, but his instigators aren't. You know who that was, boy-san? That was Eric Bischoff's boy, the Coach. Wow, you're Tempura, buddy, and Bischoff's going to fry you.

Commercial Break. Buy the Brock Lesnar WWE figure and get an exclusive accessory.

I used to be blind.

Yeah? Well I used to be a superhero!

(1) Nidia pinned Molly Holly with a roll-up Miss Molly trotted down in a chin strap brunette wig ala Lanny Poffo once again. I guess Holly's haircut was a good thing in that they gave her a gimmick of some sort, as well as a new clip for the Raw opening. The thing that isn't good is that there has been no follow-up to it. This match was a prime example. In a word, it was bad. Both women had no background with each other. I think most didn't realize that Nidia would be used as a face immediately, making this match awkward. There was no build-up for her. Even a pre-match interview would have done the trick. The crowd picked up on it and went into a boring chant. Molly responded with an arm-bar. The ending came when Holly's wig was ripped off and she went buck, causing a moment of distraction, and allowing for a trunk grabbed roll up. Nidia pins G.I. Jane. Splendid.

Recap of Bischoff drafting Edge and then getting pummeled by Edge. That's ironic. Like a black fly in your chardonnay
Backstage Bisch is bugging out alongside Johnny Spade, who's wearing Ryan Seacrest's wardrobe. Who allowed that to be shown? (JG Note: Don't they have a video guy in the production truck? How come the General Manager never knows who played the tape?) Tough Enough Johnny tries to ease Easy E's nerves, but is reprimanded for his laid-back attitude. You will address Eric as Mr. Bischoff! You know what Mr. Bischoff's gonna do? Backlash - Edge versus Kane. Bisch then stares awkwardly at the corner of the screen til the ads run.

Commercial Break. If Chris Jericho auditioned for American Idol, I get the feeling Simon Cowell would stab him.

Stand back…I just had a bean burrito.

Hurricane comes out, but is attacked by Triple H! His superpowers no match for the Bored Game, Gregory takes a beating and is left on the ramp. Hunter steps into his father-in-law's ring.

According to Gameboy, that beating was a warning to all the Raw performers. You guys were laughing and giggling when H-Man was traded to Smackdown. Ha ha ha. Who's laughing now? Hunter's laughing now. You know why? Eric Bischoff traded three guys to get him back! In fact, Bisch would have traded all you beeotches for the Cerebral Assassin. Eric is a smart business man. Uh, ok. He does what's right. He knows that he needs Trip on the show. If you want to be the number one show, you need the number one star. Schoff knows that if he has Hunter is on his show, it'll be the number one show on TV! (JG Note: He'd probably need Matthew Perry, Courtney Cox, Matt LeBlanc, David Schwimmer, and Jennifer Aniston, too. Are we talking pretend wrestling "number one show on TV" stuff? In that case, I'll play along.)

I'm ba-ack…and traded the roster…

Eric Bischoff is here for one reason, and one reason only - to kiss Hunter's ass. Eric downgrades the whole show by saying how he'd trade the whole roster for Triple H. You the man, baby! H thanks him, but what about that World Title match? EB says that he made a verbal commitment with Shawn Michaels. HBK gets Benoit at Backlash. He has to keep his word, other wise it would be "against the law." (JG Note: Sort of like tipping strippers for extra favors. That one he found out the hard way.) Since Peter Tamarkin Bisch is so into you, how about this idea? Backlash - Michaels versus Chris Benoit versus…you, Hunter! The World Title on the line! No one reacts. Neither do I. I liked the first three way match, but I was looking forward to a singles contest between the two for the belt. Just wishful thinking, I guess. It's like you never left, Gamy.

Commercial Break. How you doing, baby? May I buy you a drink? My name? They call me Snickers, baby. Cause I got the most nuts ever. Hungry? Grab me.

Triple H is standing totally still and when the camera starts rolling, he suddenly begins to walk. It's Evolution! Hey guys! Wait up! It's so good to be back with you! Trips is huggy huggy with his buddies when Shelton Bejamin walks by. Batista stops him and begins to question how he laughed at the Game's Raw departure last week. Before Benji can respond, DJ Trips punks him out with an elbow to the head. With Shelton rolling in pain, Hunter kicks him and welcomes him to Raw.

Lance Storm is in the ring and I had started to forget what he looks like. Storm is mad as hell. No one respects him. His peers don't, the fans don't. Where has this silly dancing routine gotten him, huh? No where! I feel like Lance is always doing this character reinvention speech. It's a bit old now. Everywhere he goes, he hears "Dance, Lance. Dance." (JG Note: I'd have thought people would say "Hey, Lance, I forgot you existed.") No more! The dancing is over. It's over. If only he could have went to Smackdown. He could have started over. Oh cruel fate!

Detroit Elementary School - 1978

OK, Terry. What do you want to be when you grow up?

I wanna be a Rhino.

Oh, Terry. You can't be a Rhino when you grow up.

(class laughs)

Sniff, sniff, sob….I'll show you! I'll show all of you!

(2) Rhyno pinned Lance Storm after a Gore Wait, so now Rhyno's a face? He was just a heel last week. Unless maybe Storm is a face. That wouldn't make any sense after that speech. Guess nobody cares. Actually, they don't. Rhyno Gored him for the pin in about a minute.

Tajiri is practicing his apologies to Mr. Eric Bischoff. I love when Tajiri does his backstage segments. He really cracks me up. He can go from psycho ninja to goofy comedy with ease. Good stuff. He barges into Eric's office to apologize for misting the Coach, but finds that he's two minutes too late. Isn't that ironic? It's like 10,000 spoons, when all you need is a knife. Coachman says that he was misted by the Buzzsaw as part of an initiation process. (JG Note: Oh…that's what hazing is? O.K., I'll play along.) J.C. accentuates his story by adding that Tajiri had been trashing the Bisch's good name earlier. The guy with the green phlegm calls him a "riar." EB is P.O.ed and is further egged on when Johnny C suggests that Eric could have easily been the one spit at. With that, Schoff books Tajiri in a no-DQ match with Kane. Lawler says that he always knew Coach was a "riar."

Still to come - Jack Nicholson and the Source of All Strength lock horns with David Flair's Dad and the guy that used to hold D-Von's collection plate.

Commercial Break. Subway offers Atkins Friendly salads. Weren't salads considered healthy before Dr. Atkins?

Honey, you got a card from Perry Saturn. It must be a congratulations on winning the Title.

Go ahead and read it, Nancy.

OK. "Dear Chris, Wolverines lick bowling pins because they're made of ice cream. You're welcome."

Chris Benoit comes out and he's joined by Shawn Michaels. They await the Tag Champs, Ric Flair and Batista. You know what's scary? According to DaveBatista.com, one of Batista's favorite movies is "Sleepless in Seattle." Weird, right? Before the bell, Lillian announces that Eric Bischoff's apprentice, Johnny Spade will be the guest ref. Spade corrects her and says that he wants to be called "Johnny Nitro." Is he for real?

(3) World Tag Team Champions Ric Flair & Batista defeated Shawn Michaels & Chris Benoit when guest ref .Johnny Nitro disqualified Michaels I would have thought that I'd be more into this match. I wasn't. It dragged a bit and really seemed to be a time filler. The thing that bothers me about Tista and Ric as tag champs is that Flair shouldn't be a full-time performer, much less a tag champ. In the opening segment, when Foley threatened to knock Flair out, I looked at Naitch as just a manager. I had totally forgotten that he was one half of the tag champs. That's not good, is it? Johnny Thunder just stood there for most of this one and didn't provide too much in the way of heel tendencies. The match progresses and builds, with pandemonium reigning supreme. The Crippler hits Flair with a Rolling German suplex that just looked brutal. I hate how Ric takes bumps on his shoulder. I feel like he's so close to breaking his neck every time he falls. After that, Michaels hit’s the Chin Music and scores the surprising win. New tag team champions are announced, but no. It's not real. It's all pretend.

Johnny Power Hour tells Lil that Ric was not the legal man in the ring. This match will continue, damnit! The Toothless Rockers are irate, but they're screwed. The match continues and Ric rolls up HBK. Johnny Worldwide tries to hit a lightning fast count, but Shawn kicks out. Incensed, the Boy Toy hauls off and belts him. The match is over now, folks. Johnny Clashofthechampions has disqualified him.

Following the decision, Benoit hooks Johnny in a Crippler Crossface and HBK flails around like Elizabeth Berkley in the pool scene from Showgirls. I think he was mocking Johnny Whatever's pain. Either that or he was having a seizure.

Shelton Benjamin is not happy. He approaches General Manager Bischoff to complain about Triple H. Eric says that it was Hunter's way of giving Benjamin the lay of the land. You don't cross Helmsley and you don't cross Bischoff. You hear? Ahem, ahem! Stone Cold Steve Austin magically appears to give the new guy a pep talk. Don't back down! Challenge the Game tonight. You can do it! That sounds like a good idea. Shelt requests a match with Triple H tonight and Easy E grants it. Don't you dare go away!

Commercial Break. The new Resident Evil game is called Resident Evil - Outbreak. I think you fight zits.

Chris Jericho is here and he's got his furniture set up. You know, the King of Bling Bling has to congratulate Trish and Christian. Trish may have self-esteem issues and her boyfriend is morally corrupt, but they got him. They humiliated him at WrestleMania. But you know what? He hasn't forgotten (JG Note: Uh, it's been like three weeks. If he'd forgotten, I'd be worried.). He won't do anything about it tonight, though. Eric Bischoff threatened to fine, or suspend, or whatever if Y2J+4 laid a hand on Stratus tonight. No violence. Get your shiny pants out here, girl.

Strats pops out and J.R. calls her a jezebel. Lawler asks him what a jezebel is. Sad. Trish plays heel and does a pretty good job. She gives a lame reason for hittin' Christian instead of staying with C.J. According to TS, when she faced Christian last month on Raw, Jericho wasn't there. Where was he? Nursing a bum knee? Boo-hoo. A real man would have "hopped one legged in the ring" to make sure she was untouched. (JG Note: Zach Gowan is a real man) You never appreciated Trish. She then points to her sweater and says, "And you never appreciated this." She has a point. It is a nice sweater. Speaking of sweater, My fiancé was focused totally on the fact that Trish's shirt was folded and bunched up in the back. I didn't notice, but once she pointed it out, I couldn't stop seeing it. Strats gives Jericho the Torri/X-Pac- Kane speech and tells him how they rocked the kasbah all night long. You're not in her league, Chris. Not at all.

Chris retorted by telling us that while Strats may have been a three time Babe of the Year, she's also Slut of the Century. After saying that she puts things in her mouth, does all the blowing, and is easy, he surmises that she was Babe of the Year because Babe was a talking pig. Just to make sure he recycles something old this week, Jericho leads the crowd in calling her a filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom feeding, trash bag ho. He calls out the words and tries to get them to repeat. This was funny…in the year 2000. He keeps trying to get them to repeat it over and over, although the crowd got tired of it after the second time. To think I was looking forward to this segment. I feel so silly now.

Commercial Break. Yes, I'd like to order a Whopper with $100 bills on it. I'm sorry, but that's my way.

Backstage, Trish snivels and clings to the baby blue jogging suit of Christian.

The Secret Behind Tajiri's Green Mist:

Konichiwa. How you doin', man? Yeah. Let me get a pack of Marlboro Red, two $2 scratch offs, and …hmmm, a big Lime Slurpee. Yeah….Slurpee. That'll do it.

(5) Tajiri defeated Kane via Count out Nothing to this one really. It served two purposes. It gave Tajiri a Raw debut and got Kane in the ring so he could get…well, you'll read about that after the match. The Japanese Buzzsaw got the Monster outside the ring and spritzed him with his colorful spit. Kane-o stumbles and the ref counts to ten. Ding, ding, ding. JR says that the match was no-disqualification, but apparently countouts are allowed. If you say so. Whatever works.

The bell rings and the Big Green Machine is pissed. He choke slams Tajiri (JG Note: Just to make sure that any boost Yoshihiro got from victory over him is thrown out the window) However, before he can take another slam, Edge busts in to save the day. He spears down Undertaker's brother and leaves the scene. Why did they jump Edge and Rhyno, two guys with the same finisher, to the same show in the same week?

Commercial Break. Spike TV is playing a MXC April Fool's Day marathon. Yup, that's what I'd be if I watched it.

Shelton Benjamin is taping his wrist when World Champion Chris Benoit walks in. Relax, kid. The past is the past. This is now. Benoit is proud of you, kid. Show Hunter that you're the man! Take it to him. Win one for the Gipper. Benji agrees and walks on where he's met up by the Hurricane. He has well wishes to offer as well. Do it for the home team. Show the world. Shelton continues his walk and is again stopped by Mick Foley. Foley tells him that you "don't get a second chance to make a first impression. Isn't that a deodorant ad?

Ric Flair is worshiping at the alter of Triple H backstage. Pray away, Naitch. We got a commercial coming up!

Commercial Break. They played the Walking Tall commercial twice. Now I want to see it twice as much! Not really, but the logic sort of works.

Cue the Game. It's the familiar tones of Triple H's intro. How I missed it.

Little Known Fact: Just like Kim Gail, Benjamin Shelton didn't realize that you were supposed to write your last name first on the WWE application.

(6) Shelton Benjamin pinned Triple H with a roll-up This was a really good match. Shelton definitely has the goods. He's one of the few guys that I remember seeing for the first time. It was an old episode of Heat, he was still wearing the Ken Shamrock blue trunks and using the "All About the Benjamins" music. Even then you could see that he had talent. The best is definitely yet to come with him. This match was a good way to get Benji over immediately. He looked impressive from the start, scoring takedowns and near falls on the Game. I wasn't so sure about booking this as Benjamin's debut. I would have thought they would have spent a week developing his character, but this may have been the better option. By having a relative Raw unknown step in and get a win over the top player, they give fans a sense of "oh, who's that guy?" After going toe to toe with Trips for a while, the King uttered this quote, which was funny but maybe not meant to be.

"Earlier he made a move or two, but he's against the Game. He shouldn't have expected anymore than this." - Jerry Lawler, 11:04pm

I was pretty surprised by how much Helmsley was putting him over. So surprised that I had determined that H would win and Shelton would get the "he came close" rub. I was sold on it when Evolution showed up, followed by a counter attacking Chris Benoit. It seemed signed, sealed, and delivered when Ric Flair plastered SB with a pair of knuckle dusters and Chris was too late in the save. However, when the H-Man went to yell for Benoit to cease and desist, Benjamin rolled him up and scored the…pin!

The crowd went buck wild and the announcers joined them for the ride. Great ending. Great match. Great moment. The rest of Raw bored the hell out of me, but I dug the ending. Where we go from here remains to be unseen, but as a moment, unto itself, this was a great. Charlie Haas's old buddy walks the ramp with the Toothless Champ as we fade to black.

All in all… A great closer with little else. This was a sort of disjointed Raw that, while providing some good moments, seemed to roller coaster between interesting and completely forgettable.

It had little to do with Triple H's return. Hunter's promo time and butt kissing from Eric Bischoff was a low point for him, but his match with Shelton Benjamin was pretty good. While I question the decision to have Benji challenge Trips in his first Raw match, I think they did a good job of getting him over. It's a tough call on whether casual followers felt that Shelton-Hunter was worthy of staying tuned for, but if they did, they got a solid match. While I liked how they had Trips take the three count loss to a new name, I can't help but remember that Hunter once lost the Intercontinental title to Jeff Hardy, too. If he can take the loss and not proceed to go over Shelton at every show for the next month, the win will mean something. I hope it does.

While I'll be the first to admit that Triple H did the right thing tonight in putting over a young star, I'm not really going to applaud him for it. It's not like he looked bad this week. Three guys were traded for him less than seven days ago. Also, we don't really applaud any other stars for jobbing. Do we?

I wanted something more from the Highlight Reel with Trish Stratus. It seemed like a long road just to get back to a recycled Stephanie McMahon diss. The reason why Y2J comes off stale sometimes is because he runs the same catch phrases into the ground constantly. You hear me, Ass Clown? I'll take you downtown to Chinatown, you sanctimonious son-of-a-bitch!

Foley's bit with Orton wasn't bad. The thing with Mick is that whenever he announces a match stip, most expect him to say Hell in a Cell. When he doesn't, it feels like a bit of a let down. That's what you get for setting the bar so high. Ultimately, the crowd seemed to dig the idea of Randall-Mankind with falls counting anywhere. I question why Mick downgraded himself and Rocky as "a Hollywood star and a guy who writes children's books." If he felt the WrestleMania match was so lopsided, why didn't he tell me before I spent thirty bucks for it?

Rhyno, Lance Storm, and Nidia all put me to sleep. It wasn't so much that it was filler, it was that most of the night seemed pretty basic. There was little earth shattering in the world of wrestling tonight. The show was pretty much saved from being down the middle average by the main event.

That's it for this week. Join me next Friday for a Take and back here next Monday for Raw Insanity. Hunter'll be here too!