JG's Retro Column: 20 Rules of Wrestling Logic
By James Guttman
Originally Published: March 5, 2004
The world of Sports Entertainment has some fundamental logic rules. Many of them we're used to, while others still make us stand up and scream. I've compiled a list of the top 20. It's all you need to make it through a Monday or Thursday without Smacking your TVůwith a crowbar.
1. Cameras are everywhere. They're in the ring, crowd, locker room, showers, parking lot, hallway, catering, limos, bathrooms, offices, tips of the wrestlers' noses and everywhere else imaginable. Despite the fact that every backhanded deal is documented and broadcasted, characters still don't see it themselves. If it didn't happen in front of their face, they don't know about it. I guess wrestling doesn't pay enough for these people to afford cable.
2. If you sing another country's anthem before a match, you will get attacked or interrupted by music before you're done. If by some chance you make it all the way through the song, you will continue to sing the "long version" until said attack or interruption takes place.
3. If a heel authority figure books a handicap match where the baby faces appear to have the numbers advantage, two or three more members of the heel team will be introduced immediately prior to the match, tilting the odds in the other team's favor. Despite this, the disadvantaged baby faces will still win.
4. Romance ends in tragedy. Someone will try to stop it or torment you. Another rule of wrestling romance is that the more na´ve and innocent the man is, the more evil and trampy the woman will end up becoming.
5. Referees will not allow a babyface to enter a tag match if he has not seen the tag. However, heels are allowed to enter even if the ref's back is turned, as long as they make a loud clapping noise and swear that they made a legal tag.
6. Anyone can be a ref as long as they have been given a shirt.
7. During a promo, if someone says "There is no one who canů(ref this match, beat me...)" - someone will come out and claim that they can.
8. If two jobbers are scheduled to wrestle each other, a top wrestler will come out and destroy both of them just as the match starts.
9. If a heel turns babyface, he will not be accepted by the other good guys because of their past history. If a babyface turns heel, all the other bad guys will accept him with open arms.
10. Divas will strip at every opportunity without shame. However, if they lose a bra and panties match, they will cover up and run away embarrassed.
11. If a wrestler claims he can beat someone with one or both hands tied behind his back, he will end up wrestling that person with one or both hands tied behind his back.
12. If a heel hits a woman, it's despicable. If a babyface hits a woman, it's because she "interjected herself and put herself in the position of a man."
13. At one point or another, every midget bites a referee's ass.
14. Anything that makes a loud noise causes pain. Even a tin foil trash can lid.
15. Japanese people either throw salt or spit colors
16. No one shows up for work on time. Especially top names that have something to address. We always have to wait for them to "arrive at the building."
17. Despite being fed information all night through headsets, the announcers have no clue when someone arrives. They find out the same way we do, when the wrestler is shown on the monitor walking to the ring.
18. If an announcer guesses a mystery wrestler's identity, it won't be the person they guessed. Also known as the "HBK rule."
19. When a new champion tells the former champion that there will "be no rematch," it means "there will be a rematch in a month or two."
20. Everything you see on TV could be ignored or forgotten tomorrow if it doesn't fit into future plans. Makes everything seem like a big waste of time, no?
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