Alright, it’s 11pm EST. Actually, in Atlantic Canada
it’s midnight. So for those of you who complain
about Impact being on too late at night…well…I’d
take 11pm over 12am any day. The wife’s asleep,
I’m just finishing up my glass of Dr. Pepper, I’m
about to dive into a glass of Barq’s cream soda,
and there’s a major thunder & lightning storm
outside that could cut my power at any moment. Am I gonna
turn off my computer in fear of a power surge? Nope. Am
I gonna cry if the power goes out and I miss the show
and, therefore, can’t review it? Nope.
That’s right, kids…I’m bad to the bone.
So anyway, you may be wondering what an out-of-shape
married pop-drinkin’ fool normally does on a Saturday
at midnight? Or you may not be wondering at all. Regardless,
I’m doing only one thing tonight and that’s
get ready for Saturday Night Live.
NO!! I’m getting ready for the most balls-out amazing
edge-of-your-seat wrestling excitement in the entire world!!!
Okay…it’s only TNA Impact…but I’m
sure it’ll be very good.
Opening
The opening this week recaps the Team 3-D beatdown that
ended last week’s show. Roll the opening credits
and we’re ready for action.
(1) “Alpha Male” Monty Brown defeated
Mikey Batts & Jerrelle Clark in a handicap match.
This is the second squash by Brown in three Impact airings.
While I’d rather watch a more competitive match,
I certainly understand the reasoning & rationale behind
this match. TNA is trying to get Brown over as a huge
star. Well, new viewers to TNA will certainly see Brown
as such from those two matches. I’ve said this before,
they really need to better explain this whole Serengeti
thing because nobody knows what the hell he’s talking
about.
As Brown makes his way to the ring, Batts jumps him and
attacks. Soon Clark does the same and the 2-on-1 beatdown
is on. That lasts for all of 10 seconds as Brown quickly
takes out both men. Clark is thrown in to the ring. You
wanna know the rest of the match?
- Overhead suplex on Clark.
- POUNCE on Clark.
- Batts jumps onto Brown from top rope.
- Brown catches Batts and gives him a wicked power bomb.
- Brown pins both men.
The Alpha Male then grabs the microphone and welcomes
everybody to the Serengeti (ugh). He’s got the hots
for the NWA title but then he quickly realizes he’s
not alone in those thoughts. The generic music hits and
out to the ring comes “Mr. Orlando” Lance
Hoyt. He reminds Brown that at Bound for Glory he will
make sure Brown remembers the name “Hoyt.”
Oh goodie.
Thoughts:
I understand the reasoning for Brown to be in squash matches
and I have no problem with that. However, I’ve never
understood his “cat-like” character. The way
he walks to the ring, the way he licks the ring ropes,
the whole Serengeti thing…it’s foolish. It
makes him look like a clown. It’s not a great gimmick.
It’s silly. It’s hard to take him seriously
when he’s acting like that.
Rating: 2/10
The match is simply too short to deserve a better rating.
We come back and The Franchise is interviewing the Living
Legend. Larry Z announces that The Naturals will (finally)
be on Impact next week in their first Spike-televised
title defense. Against who? America’s Most Wanted,
of course. Raven then jumps in out of nowhere and begins
yelling and Larry Legend about how he was screwed out
of his title and is now being screwed out of his rematch
by having it given to Kevin Nash instead of him. He calls
“bullshit” on Larry multiple times before
being dragged away by security. Not a terrible segment…but
for new fans, TNA needs to better explain why Raven’s
so mad.
Commercial.
Seems TNA is now in bed with a company
called Morphoplex that sells fat burners. The commercial
will air repeated throughout the broadcast and end with
Traci telling us that she lost 5 pounds in 6 days, resulting
with her hardly able to keep her pants on. I love double
entendres…don’t you?
A promo airs for the upcoming Jushin “Thunder”
Liger vs. Samoa Joe match at Bound for Glory. Short, but
nicely done. It’s then announced that Joe will finally
make his debut next week on Impact.
(2) Matt Bentley w/ Traci Brooks defeated David
Young w/ Simon Diamond at 5:42.
Somebody tell Celian in the WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
message boards that we’ve got a David Young sighting!!
It’s confirmed!!
Now, I completely understand the reasoning for the “diamond
in the rough” gimmick for Young. Good for him. But
let’s face it…it’s not like Simon Diamond
has a ton of credibility when it comes to being a proven
winner to begin with.
Matt Bentley and Traci SKIP to the ring. Not dance, not
strut, but skip. Wow. I’m speechless. Then we’re
told it’s apparently called the “Bentley Bounce”
as they show Orlando fans bouncing up and down. Man those
Orlando fans are weird.
Young jumps Bentley (to be known going forward as Mr.
Blah) to start the match but Mr. Blah quickly recovers
with a spinning heel kick. Diamond distracts Mr. Blah
long enough to allow Young to hit a nice backbreaker on
him. Young dominates the match early but Blah catches
him with a neckbreaker, a suplex, and then hits a top
rope elbow drop. Blah then fends off the interference
of Diamond and finishes off Young with his version of
Uncle Shawn’s superkick.
Immediately following the 3-count Petey Williams attacks
Blah and hits the Canadian Destroyer. Williams then grabs
Traci and kisses her passionately in a way I can only
assume she’s never been kissed before. Traci slaps
him, apparently not realizing that’s not the proper
way to say “do me” in Canada. Williams then
sets her up for the Destroyer before Chris Sabin does
his Mighty Mouse impression and saves the day.
Thoughts:
TNA obviously sees Bentley as something special as he
has been prominently featured the past two weeks. That’s
great…as long as he either develops more of a personality
or Traci takes a more active role in trying to get him
over. I didn’t catch last week why Williams interrupted
the match with Bentley and after this week I’m still
confused over the whole thing. Possible change of allegiance
for Traci down the road? I hope not, because Bentley hasn’t
even been established yet. There should be ZERO face/heel
turns for the next 60 to 90 days. There’s no need
as it will probably take that long to help viewers learn
who is who. Williams comes off looking like a star throughout
this, though. Good stuff.
Oh…and I absolutely LOVE watching the Canadian
Destroyer…wow.
Rating: 4/10
The match was simply too boring to be rated any higher.
The post-match shenanigans were more exciting than the
match itself.
A.J. Styles promo airs. Very good.
Commercial
Promo for The Naturals airs. Too bad we won’t see
the tag champs until they lose their titles to AMW next
week.
Tenay and West claim that Jeff Jarrett sent them a “special
video” and it has to be played.
Dobbs Funeral Home is the setting for one of the best
vignettes I can remember seeing. A large gathering has…umm…uhh…gathered
to mourn the death of Team 3-D. AMW is drinking in the
back. Team Canada all have hockey sticks. Scott D’Amore
has his arms full of food.
Jim Mitchell is conducting the ceremony and explains
that the funeral for the Team 3-D is not a sad thing,
rather a celebration. Jeff Jarrett is also there in some
kind of clown outfit. Gail Kim is there blowing bubblegum
bubbles and looking hot. Abyss is even sitting in the
front row.
AMW come up to deliver their speech. Funny visual as
they bring up some Team 3-D t-shirts and set up a small
sign that shows different prices for Team 3-D merchandise
(the sign says “Now Reduced”). They show two
pictures of Ray and Devon…covered in blood from
the ending shots on Impact last week. They are telling
a sad tale and begin to “tear up”. They ask
for tissue. Mitchell gives Abyss a box of tissue to hand
to AMW but he smashes it instead. Funny stuff.
The Wanted Guys say that they joined Jarrett for three
reasons: money, power, and to show everyone that not just
anybody can come into TNA and take their spots.
Before they finish things up, a “drunk” Storm
says that he can hear Ray talking to Devon. Harris asks
him what he’s saying.
Storm: “He’s saying Devon! Get the…”
Jarrett: “James! Be serious this is a funeral. Their
careers are already dead. They don’t need another
lawsuit.”
Laughter ensues (and rightfully so).
Mitchell then looks at his schedule and says that they
are all due to come back for a funeral the day after Bound
for Glory to bury Kevin Nash. As they all begin to laugh
and leave, Chris Harris catches a drunk James Storm with
his pants down pissing into a casket to end the segment.
Thoughts
Wow. The segment ended up a LOT funnier than I’ve
made it out to be. I had to watch it twice to really enjoy
it. It was a fantastic segment that made me forget how
much I despise Jarrett and D’Amore as on-air characters…if
only for a couple of minutes.
Rating: 9/10
Loved it. This made the show for me.
Sabu enters the Impact Zone as we head to another…
Commercial
(3) Rhino defeated Sabu after a Gore.
It’s ECW’s One Night Stand part deux. That’s
okay, though, because it’s two semi-recognizable
names that people may tune in for. Rhino takes down Sabu
early with a shoulderblock. Sabu, however, turns the advantage
back to him with some well placed kicks. When he attempts
a moonsault from the ropes, Rhino moves and regains control
of the match. Rhino clamps on a headlock.
Ugh.
Rhino then follows up that devastating move (after about
two minutes, mind you) with some kicks and punches.
Ugh.
Rhino ends up on the outside of the ring and Sabu hits
him with a over-the-top-rope plancha on the floor. Both
wrestlers then get back in the ring and the both have
a chair. After a couple of swings, Rhino ends up connecting
with a shot to Sabu’s head and gets a 2-count. Out
of nowhere Sabu hits a top-rope hurricarana that sends
Rhino onto a chair lying in the ring.
Abyss then makes his way to ringside and distracts Sabu
long enough for Rhino to hit him with the Gore and score
the pin.
Once the match ends, Abyss jumps in the ring and attacks
Rhino. Jeff Hardy comes down and attacks Abyss. Rhino
then attacks Hardy. Sabu whips a chair at Rhino. At this
point all four wrestlers are staring at each other inside
of the ring. Before their Bound for Glory match can begin
early, security hits the ring and separates everybody
as we go to commercial.
Thoughts
Why so short? I’m normally not a huge fan of teasing
the audience and then screwing them over with a cheap
finish, but TNA needs to pull every old-school trick out
of their sleeves if they want to entice new viewers to
dish out money to buy their PPV. If nothing else, it sets
up an upper mid-card match at Bound for Glory.
Rating: 6/10
The match had very little in terms of psychology or storyline.
Rather, it was a short spotfest.
Commercial.
Vignette plays setting up the Kevin Nash vs. Jeff Jarrett
match for Bound for Glory, including focus on Tito Ortiz
being the special referee.
(4) Christopher Daniels could only defeat 2 of
the 3 Mystery X-Division Challengers within the allotted
15 minute timeframe.
Last week Christopher Daniels accepted A.J. Styles’
Iron Man Challenge, where he would face any three X-Division
wrestlers that Styles could pick and beat them within
a 15-minute time-frame to prove how much of a viable contender
he was for the X-Division title. Styles pulled a “Matt
Hardy” and immediately said that he had three wrestlers
already in mind instead of telling Daniels that he, in
fact, well deserved a title shot. Yeah…this is certainly
setting up A.J. as a fighting champion.
Anyway, Daniels makes his way to the ring first. Styles
then comes out to the ramp with Shark Boy and sends him
to the ring. Shark Boy starts off the match by making
Daniels chase him all around the ring. After a couple
of quick punches that temporarily stun Daniels, little
Sharky hits a top-rope dropkick that gets him a 2-count.
Shark hits a neckbreaker on Daniels is he is hurting early.
A clock in the upper left corner of the screen is counting
down Daniels’ 15 minutes. I blink and one quick
kick to the gut leads to an “Angels Wings”
by Daniels and the first wrestler is done in about 1:40.
Wrestler number two is Sonjay Dutt. He is pounced upon
by Daniels as soon as he enters the ring but Dutt recovers
quickly and hits a couple of good elbow drops in response.
Sonjay hits a headscissors that stuns Daniels, then quickly
hits another headscissors that takes Daniels over the
top rope to the floor. Sonjay performs a second rope Asai
moonsault and we quickly head to commercial while the
two men recover on the floor.
Commercial
We come back to see Daniels tied up like a pretzel in
a submission move. Dutt jumps off the top rope but is
caught by Daniels and smashed to the canvas face first.
Ouch. With the upper hand, Daniels slows down the pace
with bodyslams, stomps, and Irish whips. With under six
minutes to go Daniels goes for a cover and realizes that
he’s got to speed things up. Competing “Fallen
Angel” and “Let’s go Sonjay” chants
break out by the Orlando crowd as Sonjay takes control
of the match with a clothesline. Dutt then performs “the
sprinkler” on the top rope (don’t ask) and
looks to get the pin but only gets a two count at 4:10.
As the clock ticks down Dutt hits a swinging DDT on Daniels
and almost gets the victory. With 3:30 left Dutt goes
for a flip off the top rope but Daniels moves out of the
way. One “Angels Wings” later and Daniels
is victorious for the second time.
So with less than 3 minutes left we are all left to wonder
who the final wrestler is. Well, it’s Styles himself!!!
Wait a second…it’s Styles? Why? Does he need
to brag that he beat up an already tired and beaten down
Daniels? I don’t get this.
Anyway, Daniels hits Styles with a chair on the outside
and quickly begins pummeling him. Styles is rolled into
the ring with under 2 minutes left to go. Alternating
“Let’s go A.J.” and “Fallen Angel”
chants break out from the crowd. After a couple of vicious
Irish whips Daniels gets a 2-count. A bodyslam by Daniels
gets him another 2.
With only 40 seconds left Daniels goes for “Angels
Wings” but is tripped up by Styles. Both men begin
trading punches and A.J. catches Daniels with a series
of clotheslines and elbows. As time runs out A.J. completely
flubs his flying top-rope forearm and falls flat on his
face.
Daniels begins heading up the ramp when Styles grabs
the mic and tells him that he’ll beat up Daniels
for 30 minutes at Bound for Glory, hence setting up their
Iron Man match. Daniels doesn’t look happy as the
show ends.
Thoughts
Very entertaining scenario and the story played out very
well. Daniels is a star and this just helped elevate him
further in the eyes of fans. I’ve said it before
that as much as Daniels tries to play the heel, crowds
love to cheer for him out of respect. I’m definitely
looking forward to their Iron Man rematch. It should be
amazing and it wouldn’t surprise me to see Daniels
walk away X-division champion again.
Rating: 7/10
Overall show rating: 6/10
***
Well, Impact on Spike #3 was a miss in my book. If it
wasn’t for the Team 3-D Funeral skit the show would
have really been bad. I’m disappointed as I expected
more. On a positive note, TNA certainly set up storylines
with almost every match taking place at Bound for Glory.
The problem is that the matches this week simply weren’t
entertaining enough to make me think I should spent my
money to watch them on PPV. The good news? Next week looks
to be a “stacked” show with the Spike debuts
of both Samoa Joe and The Naturals.
Folks…the show could have been a LOT worse. I mean,
it could have ended with Linda McMahon kicking J.R. in
the nuts.
***
Agree? Disagree? You can give your thoughts in two
ways. First, you can come to the
Message Board and post your thoughts in the TNA Forum.
Second, you can visit the Message Board, scroll down to
the bottom of the page, and enter Zah’s
Pit. I’d love to hear from you.
L8R.
