Last Monday’s episode of Raw was truly craptacular. Will A.M. Raw be any different? Will Jonathan Coachman still be as annoying on Saturday morning as he was on Monday night? Find out right here, as we cruise through this edition of A.M.Raw on a very blustery and rainy October morning in the northeast.
For those not familiar with this ground-breaking program, it’s basically an hour-long version of Monday Night Raw that’s been edited down for “younger viewers.” So, don’t expect to see Viscera humping midgets, or Vince McMahon making his employees kiss his ass here. This is for the kids.
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We begin with our usual WWE/Raw opening and immediately cut to Vince McMahon and Eric Bischoff backstage. Vince wants Eric to think up something truly revolutionary and innovative for Taboo Tuesday. Eric tells Vince there will be a triple threat main event for the WWE Championship at the pay-per-view: John Cena vs. Kurt Angle vs. either the winner of Edge/Big Show, the winner of HBK/Carlito, or the winner of an enormous 18-man Battle Royale taking place later this morning. The innovative part? The fans get to choose between the three finalists. (Wow, this is so revolutionary, I can barely move.) Vince walks away pleased. I’m confused as to why.
Edge, Lita, and a briefcase all make their way to the ring and await the arrival of The World’s Largest Athlete. The Big Show graces us all with his massive presence, and he’s got the old-school Andre the Giant-style handprint t-shirt thing going on.
[You know, I really like the direction they’re taking with The Big Show lately. But if they want to make him a special attraction, they need to keep him relegated to two-on-one squash matches, where he comes out, smiles and waves, crushes a couple of ham-n-eggers, sits on them, then smiles and waves some more. It’s also an excellent PR move to send this guy out to do promotions for the company. You telling me Howard Stern wouldn’t have The Big Show on, even though he’s just a wrestler? Stern could do a full hour straight just asking him about his penis. I think a lot of shows would be willing to have The Show on, instead of say, a Chris Benoit or Eddie Guerrero, just because of his sheer enormity and entertaining personality. Regis and Kelly would have a field-day with this guy.]
Show wins the Taboo Tuesday qualifying match after JBL’s music and video play and distract Lita’s boyfriend long enough to allow Big to secure the victory.
[In case you’re wondering, yes, Coach is still very annoying on play-by-play, and, yes, he’s making the show very hard for me to watch. I hope you people appreciate what I’m doing for you.]
Carlito vs. Michaels is coming up after the break, and the Stone Cold Cam is scanning the parking lot in anticipation for The Rattlesnake’s rumored appearance.
Commercials.
WrestleMania tickets went on sale last weekend and a bunch of people slept outside and waited for their chance to be part of the annual spectacle. Apparently the show is sold out already.
Carlito is already in the ring as Shawn Michaels is introduced. He doesn’t get far, as Carly meets him halfway up the ramp with a vicious Caribbean beatdown. That’s not cool. The match is fairly long, and contained a commercial break after a botched suplex attempt by Carlito sends both men crashing to the floor.
[The news crawler at the bottom of the screen informs us that on this day in 1995, Razor Ramon defeated Dean Douglas for the Intercontinental Championship. They didn’t mention the fact that the title was handed to Douglas on the same show when Shawn Michaels couldn’t compete due to being beaten up by 50 men outside of a Syracuse nightclub.]
The match ends when HBK superkicks one of those fake WCW chairs into Carlito’s face and covers him for the one, two, three.
[So far, The Big Show and Shawn Michaels have advanced to the Taboo Tuesday championship voting round.]
More commercials!
Oh my God! Stone Cold’s here! Stone Cold’s here! He’s driving really fast into the arena and, holy shit, he almost ran someone over! He drives to the ring and cuts a promo on the evil McMahon family for firing his best friend Jim Ross. Stephanie saunters and smirks her way to the ring. Austin’s beer-drinking was not edited out for younger viewers, but his line about her balls falling out was. You don’t want little Timmy saying that to his teacher on Monday morning.
Stephanie tells Austin that he can fight for JR’s job by wrestling Coach at Taboo Tuesday. Austin agrees, and Coachman starts running his trap form the announce position. Stephanie leaves, but stops on the stage to tell Austin that if he loses to Coach, he’s fired. Fired from what? Showing up whenever he wants to, drinking beer in the middle of the ring, and assaulting the owners of the company? They pay him for that?
Austin goes up to visit the new play-by-play man and Coach puts his hands up to defend himself. Austin asks, “You got skills?” Followed by, “Hit me, kid. Hit me.” It’s pretty funny actually. He rips the Coach’s shirt, breaks his sunglasses, and pours beer into his cowboy hat before placing it back on his head. The big bully exits stage left, and the poor Coach is left with beer running down his face.
Commercials.
Bischoff’s out and he’s got a mic in his hand. He runs down the battle royal stipulation again, which prompts John Cena to come out and join the prestigious announce team. Uncle Eric introduces Kane, who immediately chokeslams Carlito and deposits him to the floor.
[The chokeslam only took one try this time, and it looked flawless. And why do Edge and Carlito get two chances to be eligible for the title match at Taboo Tuesday? And why only 18 men, as opposed to 20? Is this all they have?]
The jobber royal continues as Rosey is unceremoniously dumped by the World Tag Team champions Cade and Murdoch. A bunch of other nobodies get tossed and we’re left with the two biggest, and therefore best, wrestlers in the battle royal, Chris Masters and Kane. The behemoths collide mid-ring in an epic encounter that sees The Big Red Machine backdropping The Master of the Masterlock Chris Masters over the top and to the floor. Kane wins! Kane wins! Kane wins! John Cena looks concerned. Kane stares menacingly at the champion while bathed in a sinister red light as we fade to black. Don’t worry, John, the fans will vote Michaels. They always vote Michaels. I’ll be voting Michaels. And you could probably vote Michaels too. Maybe have some of your friends and family vote Michaels.
[Another solid hour for WWE A.M. Raw. I missed a lot of Raw last Monday, so this was nice. I got to see the important matches and happenings from the show without being bombarded by idiotic backstage skits.]
Notably missing from the show: The entire beginning angle with McMahon and Coach, and the subsequent beatdown of The Hurricane by Kurt Angle. Also missing: Ric Flair’s promo, the Diva match, and some other stuff I’m sure. They don’t even show highlights or recaps of that stuff on this show. It’s almost as if they never happened. And with all the extraneous garbage on WWE television these days, sometimes less is much, much more.
Mike can be reached at
