(JG Note:  So Donald Trump photoshopped a bald Vince McMahon, huh?  Well so did I.  Great minds think alike.  In fact, lemme tell ya what I think about Rosie O'Donnell...)

Vince McMahon: Oh, gather around children. Gather around. I guess it's official. You're my real children now. The adoption is final.

Viscera: Oh Daddy MacBucks, I'm so happy. But…but you don't want to go off with those ECW wrestlers, do you? You're not gonna abandon all of us for them, are you? After all, the fans were so into them. More than….more than…

Vince: More than what, Viscera?

Viscera: (shrugging) D'no. More than us, I guess.

Vince: Now little Orphan Vissy, when I saved you and your brothers from the orphanage, I promised that I would give you the greatest life in the world. It's not about what fans want. It's about what I want. I want to be skeeved out while watching Monday Night Raw. I like it. That's what's important. Sure we learned some things after last night's show. For example, the only reason why Triple H isn't Smackdown Champion is because he doesn't want to work Tuesdays. We know that now. So, we're moving Smackdown tapings to Wednesdays. Other than that, ECW is worthless. You deviants are the only things I need on my shows.

Heidenreich: You mean it, Daddy MacBucks? No foolies?

Vince: No foolies.

Snitsky: For real and for true?

Vince: For real and for true.

Kane: I'm so happy that I don't know whether to cry or f**k a dead body.

Vince: Oh, Little Orphan Kaney. You can do both. You'll always be able to do both. Why? Because I love you. I love all you perverts. Don’t worry about ECW. They're a one time thing. Who cares what reaction they got? I'm all that’s truly important. Your perversions and my family members are all that I want to sell to my audience. I promise you that. In fact, I have a locket for each of you. I decided to give it to you on the night I used Muhammad Hassan's turban to lift you all to my helicopter and save you from Rooster and Carol Burnett. It symbolizes my love for each and every one of you.

Kurt Angle: Daddy MacBucks, are you gonna sing?

Vince: Yes I am Kurt…and stop doing that to Sandy. That's your dog, not your girlfriend.

Vince clears his throat and begins to sing a song to the tune of "Tomorrow" from Little Orphan Annie.

Vince: ECDub'll be gone

Tomorrow

Bet your last bounced dollar

That tomorrow

They'll be done!

Viscera: Just dreamin' about

Tomorrow

Carvin' up John Coachman's

Ass like Zorro

'Til I'm done!

Kane: When I'm feeling aroused,

And doused,

In kerosene,

Heidenreich: I just grab Michael Cole,

And hold,

Then say….

…Uh, anyone got any kids I can look after? I won't touch 'em. I swear.

All: Oh…ECDub'll be done

Tomorrow

So you're stuck with all of us

tomorrow…

and everyday…

Oh….Tomorrow!

Tomorrow!

Viscera: Hot Dawwwwwwwwg!

All: Tomorrow!

You're always a day….

The tune changes and ECW's One Night Only starts march in wearing rags and carrying buckets.

ECW Stars: (running in and singing) It's the hard-knock life for us,

It's the hard-knock life for us,

Instead of contracts - with Mc-Mahon,

We're Vinnie's - One - Night Stand,

It's the hard-knock life.

The group bops up and down to the music while the WWE wrestlers stare at them. Vince turns to a hidden person sitting behind Johhny Ace

Vince: Leaping Lizards! What is the meaning of all this?! Uh…Mr. Dreamer? Tommy? You wanna be a good boy and round up these troublemakers for me? Chop chop.

Tommy Dreamer: Yes sir.

Vince: Sorry for the interruptions here. Take us home, Snitsky.

Snitsky: Grunt….groan…uh…Tomorrow

Tomorrow…

Kane: I'll rape ya!

All: Tomorrow…

We're the only thing pushed

today….

Paul Heyman: (running into the room and singing) Ohhhhhhh…Tomorrow

Tomorrow

I love ya…

Triple H walks into the scene. Heyman's dancing, as well as the music stops

Triple H: Shut your goddamn mouth and go home.

Paul Heyman: No problem. G'Night everyone. Happy raping.

Heidenreich: Oh Daddy MacBucks, I love you.

Vince: I love you too, John. I love all of you. Now lets all go play Jumper Cable Ball Zap.

All: Jumper Cable Ball Zap! Yay!

Oh my God! Catfiiiiiight! Have fun last night, kids? Enjoy the ECW show? Enjoy mocking Raw and Smackdown on WWE's watch? Good, cause it's back to logic holes, man-on-man rape, continuity errors, and Chris Masters. You ready? Who cares if you're ready? Raw is Vince McMahon's baby and he's free to let Gene Snitsky kick it all over the place if he desires. What are you gonna do about it? That's right. Nothing. You'll have nothing and like it. So buck up, Spalding. You got to be hardcore last night. Ain't that good enough for you? Tune into Spike TV and stop your chanting. It's time to watch the show we all made fun of last night…WWE's Raw is War All That's Left Anymore…

Raw Theme Plays. You know, maybe if Shane Douglas promoted his own version of Raw each week, WWE would work extra hard to make sure the shows were exciting. I mean, hell - it worked last night.

It's the Rattlesnake! It's the Texas Rattlesnake! It's the, by God, Texas Rattlesnake! By God, it's the Texas Rattlesnake! Texas Rattlesnake, by God! You get the picture. Steve Austin is in the house and Jerry Lawler joins Jim Ross's excitement in welcoming him back. Welcome to you, kind fan. You are tuned into Raw and the ish is about to hit the fan. Let's go down Stunning Steve with some words. Steve, take it away.

Wearing a shirt that asks that we BYOB, Stone Cold takes his time to pose in each corner. Fresh off his appearance at the ECW Show 24 hours ago, Mr. Austin has arrived on Spike TV to take care of some Texas Rattlebusiness. At this point, we get the first Michael Jackson Verdict mention. This one is by Jim Ross. JR says that this could turn into Court TV and Judge Austin won't deliver "one of those Michael Jackson verdicts." Let's keep score shall we?

Mentions

Michael Jackson: 1

ECW Show: 1

Steve thanks Binghamton for welcoming him to their fine city and then lets out a "sumbitch" to get back it not the groove. Why is Stony here? Well, he was called up and asked to come to Raw and hear out the grievances of a man who feels wronged. It's someone that feels mistreated. Justice needs to be served. That's why Austin's here. It's Stone Cold Justice time. Now without further ado… Muhammad Has-san.

Muhammad Hassan and Shawn Daivari appear on the stage and the King says that "these guys aren't going to get off as easy as Michael Jackson did this afternoon."

Mentions

Michael Jackson: 2

ECW Show: 1

Mu is here. The crowd greets him with "USA," meant to enrage the Detroit native. Steve Austin decides that he's tired of dancing around this tongue-in-cheek stuff. Let's just get right to the heart of things. Let's get it all on the table.

"I see sand people."

- Steve Austin, 9:06pm

Wow. Imagine if he did that with a black wrestler or an Asian wrestler. "Sand people" is much harsher than calling someone "you people" or saying "your kind." Not only that, but it's a peculiar way to build up a heel. In a way, you cheer for Muhammad during moments like this. Having his heritage mocked almost seems like just provocation for theevil acts he commits. You don't want to give your heels a justifiable reason to rebel, do you? It just seems like backwards logic.

Austin refuses a handshake and cites the fact that he doesn't like Hassan as the reason. To this, MuHa claims that Steve is like all others, alleging that Austin's lack of kindness stems from hatred for Hassan's heritage and clothes. (JG Note: Sadly, it appears he's right.) To this, the Ringmaster replies that he's unbiased. He warns his Sandy foe that he's skating on thin ice. He orders him to back up his claims, as well as to back up physically. With that, Mo intros a video package to verify all his cries of racism. Daivari then screams in his native tongue and Steve-o stares at him as if his head was on fire.

Video Package Showing Racism Against Hassan They should call this video "Reasons Why Muhammad Hassan is Right." Despite the way it makes out a heel to be justified, the video was good in the sense that it used so many past moments to illustrate a situation.

The video ends. Hassan says that this is an uncontested and undisputed video testimonial. His voice cracks like Peter Brady when he says "uncontested" and it's funny as hell. He gets his point out and SCSA digests it all before making a ruling. He tells Mo that he has a stupid towel, stupid gimmick beard, and stupid little boots. He's a piece of garbage, but he's a piece of garbage with a point. On that note, Austin is gonna give him a fair one-on-one shot for the Intercontinental Title. When? Now. What? When? Now. What? When? What? When? Now! Who's the enforcer for the match? What? I said, who's the enforcer for the match? Steve Austin! What? Who's the enforcer? Steve Austin? What? When? Now? What? What?! When!? Shaddup! You're pathetic! Let's get the IC Champ out here...

Oh hey, Orlando. Good to see you…uh, oh my God. Shelton, I am sorry. I am so sorry. I'm just used to Smackdown and everything…

No…no. Oh my God. I am so sorry. Can I get you a cup of coffee or something? God. I am so sorry. It won't happen again. I swear. I'm so embarrassed I could make poops.

Shelton Benjain is on his way to the ring with that shiny strap. It'll take him a few minutes to walk 30 feet for some reason, so let's hit a commercial.

Commercial Break. There's a reality show where people hustle casinos out of money. There's another one that follows around NBA Rookies. Reality shows have not only jumped the shark, but they've eaten the shark.

(1) Muhammad Hassan defeated Shelton Benjamin via disqualification when Special Enforcer Steve Austin beat him up At one point the fans were chanting "USA" and I'm so conditioned to "You Screwed Bret" or "You Screwed Matt," that I couldn't figure out who they were chanting at. Then I realized they were chanting USA. Jerry Lawler makes his second reference to Michael Jackson's verdict. It wasn't even a joke. It was something stupid like "Stone Cold's decision to make this Intercontinental Title Match is almost as shocking as Michael Jackson's verdict this afternoon." I have no idea what the point of this was. Seemed creepy. I was surprised that Jim Ross didn't make a "Jerry Juice" joke. OK, as I'm typing this last sentence, Lawler makes another one. It's another weird one. This one is comparing Shawn Daivari's expression to the one on Michael Jackson's mother's face. Now I'm starting to think this is an inside joke or something. The finish saw Mu with victory all but assured. He had Benji trapped in a Camel Clutch when Stone Cold rushed the ring and broke it up with a foot to the face. He pounded Hassan and then made the announcement himself. "The winner of the match by disqualification and still undefeated Muhammad Has-san."

Following the unofficial word, Muhammad was bounced between Steve and Shelton like a pinball. Finally, the Texas Rattlesnake puts him out of his misery with a Stone Cold Stunner. I love how they're giving Hassan a crying-racism gimmick and then give him justification. I'd be pretty pissed if I was him. I'm just hoping that they don't do some stupidity where he blows up the TitanTron or anything because of it. I know, you're laughing because you think I'm kidding. I'm not. I'm serious. I'm really hoping that they don't do some stupidity where he blows up the TitanTron or anything because of it. It's sad that I have to say that, but with the way shows are nowadays…who knows?

Mentions

Michael Jackson: 4

ECW Show: 1

Later Tonight: The #2 Raw Draft Pick makes his first appearance . (Triple H Note: I look forward to pinning him sometime soon.)

Commercial Break. The ad campaign for WWE's new video game is strange. WrestleMania 21 for XBox - Andre the Giant's in it…. Come on! Today's wrestling sucks, but Andre was cool, right? Right? Come on! Just buy it! Please! Be your best friend!

John Coachman wants to apologize to Eric Bischoff for letting him down last night. Easy E cuts him off and says that he never wants to hear about ECW ever again. (JG Note: This pretty much guarantees that he'll hear of ECW again.) Now pish posh. That show never happened. Exit you. Enter…

Chris Jericho. Y2J is standing face to face with Uncle Eric and he wants to know how Christian could possibly be made #1 Contender. He's getting a shot at Vengeance? What about the first Undisputed Champion? What about CJ? Look, EB, don't close the book on the pay show yet. Let the King of Bling Bling prove his worth. Bisch agrees and Chris goes to leave. However, he turns face-to-face with…

Triple H. Sideburns McGameface stares down Captain Foof Hair and they take turns saying each other's names. (JG Note: Their real names, not Foof and Sideburns.) After Chris take his leave, Hunt turns his attention to the General Manager. He wants to know the new Raw Draftees name. Schoff won't give up any info on that. Angered, the Game tells ATM Eric that he's heard rumors all day. Apparently the boys are saying that Easy E is going to allow the new draft pick to come to the ring and call out Batista. Is that true, Uncle Eric? EB pretty much confirms that thought and Trips is not happy about it. (JG Note: OK, now that's pretty stupid. Do they usually censor wrestlers during promos? Is there a reason why anyone that wants to say something bad to Batista can't? Is it special that Bischoff is giving him permission to speak freely? You wouldn't think so, right?) Making matters stranger, Hunter claims that the new jumper can only mention the World Champion if he wants to compliment Dave's fine taste in clothing. The new guy can make small talk, he can wish everyone luck, but he can't get in the way of this Hell in a Cell match. Trips needs the attention! Mine! Mine! No one should get to shine when that World Title match is on the horizon! My spotlight! Mine! The H Man closes us out by saying he's worked too hard to let some "second-rate Smackdown jack-off" swoop in and take it all away. I wish he would just blurt out "I'm married to Stephanie McMahon damnit!" That would make one of these promos interesting. This segment was unneeded. Eric Bischoff is allowing the new Draft Pick to do a promo. What's the big deal? It's not like Eric has agreed to book the new guy as an instant top name and attraction on the show. It's not like he's Dennis Rodman or anything. If it was the NWO Worm, then Hunter should be concerned. Bischoff tends to get giddy over the celebs.

Mentions

Michael Jackson: 4

ECW Show: 2

Commercial Break. How many times does Starburst plan on showing me the commercial where the kid eats the statue's face? Enough already. I'll buy the candy if you'll just stop.

Hey. Yay. Look at that. It's Chris Masters. Cheer. Whoo hoo. Hooray. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Chris is tired of offering everyone $10,000 to break his MasterLock. So, he's gonna up it to $11,000. You read that right. He offered $11,000. (JG Note: Does WWE realize that this is fake money? They can up it as much as they want. Just make it $100,000. Make it a bamillion dollars. Who cares? It just seems like such a strange and relatively small number when you consider the Million Dollar Tough Enough and $250,000 Diva Hooch-Off.) Who's taking him up on this challenge? I'll give you a hint. It's someone from an 80s cartoon that had his own non-wrestling action figure. No, not Lion-O from Thundercats. No, not Optimus Prime. It's…

Sgt. Slaugher. Oh look. It's the guy that did this same schtick in 1981. Really puts everything in perspective, huh? Sarge enters the ring and Masters calls him an old man. He asks the Sargely One what makes him think that he can beat the Masterlock Challenge. To this, Slaughter replies that he doesn't want to take the boring old Billy Jack Haynes Test. Screw that. He doesn't want to break the Full Nelson or take the 11K. What Double S wants to do is give you the Cobra Clutch challenge. How's that, kid? From Pat Patterson to Chris Masters, they're all going down! Slaughty does the whole scum, slime, maggot routine a few times and it seems played out by the end. Actually, I'm being unfair. It wasn't played out by the end of this promo. It was actually played out by 1992.

Sarge then jumps CM, delivers some kicks, and locks him in his clutches. He holds the Masterpiece tightly despite attempts to break free and appears to be close to victory after Chris's arm falls twice. On the third drop, Mr. Piece grabs the rope and the hold his broken. Desperately, he nails the GI Jobber with a low blow and spins around him to lock in the MasterLock. After a hard fought battle, Chris Masters stands tall, having put Slaughter down for the count.

The Masterpiece runs from turnbuckle to turnbuckle. What a bitch. Yup. That's what I got out of this segment. WWE booked him to look like a total tool here. Why? Well, Masters is three times Sarge's mass in muscle. He can't break out of a Cobra Clutch from an old time wrestler easily? Come on. I'm not saying that I could, then again I'm not the size of this guy. If you're whole gimmick is that you're a muscle head, you better be able to overpower an aging road agent that looks like a bald Robert Goulet.

Later Tonight: The #2 Raw Draft Pick makes his first appearance . (Viscera Note: I look forward to humping him sometime soon.)

Commercial Break. I'm Tom Lincoln! No, I'm Tom Lincoln!

We return and go to a video package hyping Triple H-Batista 2. The package lasts about six minutes. It doesn't seem like a long time, but it is. Consider that most matches don't last that long nowadays, I'd say that six minutes for a recap, hyping a match nearly two weeks away is too much. This was the type of thing that should air on Heat right before they switch to Vengeance. Instead, it's awkwardly put in the middle of Raw. Why? Who knows. Who cares. All I know is that there were no Michael Jackson or ECW mentions in the recap, so the score remains unchanged.

Commercial Break. WWE Greatest Wrestling Stars of the 80s on DVD - Junk Yard Dog's in it…. Come on! Today's wrestling sucks, but JYD was cool, right? Right? Come on! Just buy it! Please! Be your best friend! Wait a minute…Why does that tag line seem so familiar?

(2) John Cena & Chris Jericho defeated Christian & Tyson Tomko when Cena pinned Tomko Jim Ross says that Jericho is fighting so that he can prove his abilities to Eric Bischoff. That makes sense considering that they have to give him a reason to care after weeks of I-don't-care promos. JR then says that it's amazing how both top titles are now on Raw. I think it's amazing that they don't make a bigger deal out of it. This should be earth shattering. Raw should be on top of the world and screaming victory. Smackdown should be in a shambles with mass anarchy and inter-brand feuding. Instead it's like Oh, look. Two champs on Raw. I forgot about that. If you're going to pull the trigger on a major storyline like two top champs on one show - something that hasn't happened in years - you should treat it like a major deal. If not, you teach the fans that even big things aren't that important. It takes the focus off of the importance of World Titles and ultimately diminishes the one thing that all wrestlers supposedly aspire for. ECW's reunion was great. Steve Austin's fun. But, come on! John Cena brought the Smackdown title to Raw! Shouldn't Eric Bischoff be dancing in the streets and making prank calls to Teddy Long? I don't get it. It's just another day at the office. I know I harp on it, but it really surprises me. I never would have imagined that something like this would be treated like something so little. Makes you wonder where the priorities are. The funniest point of the match had to be a fan in the third row with a big sign that read "Ruck Cena." I guess he didn't realize that there's no such word as "Ruck" and that it was created when switching the first letters in "F**K Rules." Technically, it should be "Cuck Fena." Ruck Cena - Amazing. Just amazing. The excitement level wasn't off the charts for this one. It was OK. I can't help but feel that Dr. Thuggy has been presented as something less than special and the fans are picking up on it. A program with Christian, Tomko, and Jerihco isn't exactly coming in on top. It's close to the top, but not the top. In the end, John pegged Double T with an FU and scored the pinfall.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Chris Jericho turned on his partner. Then again, he's been turning for weeks, so it's not out of nowhere. Actually, it was more of John's own fault. He should have seen it coming. What a punk ass. After some more strikes, Fozzy locked the WWE Champ in the Walls of Jericho and refused to release the hold. John Cena was on the point of passing the Ruck out, but held on. CJ finally released and smugly walked off.

Commercial Break. Destroy All Humans. You dare me? You dare me to destroy them? I will. Go on, dare me.

Recap of the women auditioning for Part 2 of the Raw Diva Search. Christy Hemme tells the girls that this has been the best year of her life. No. Come on, Christy. Better than when you did the before and after photos for weight loss pills? Watching this recap really got my ready for another wasted twenty minutes every week. Something tells me that I'm gonna miss the Masterlock Challenge after this takes it's filler spot on the show. Hooray. I can't wait to roll my eyes through the second installment of this debacle.

Backstage, Chris Jericho grabs Eric Bischoff. He screams that he's now proven that he's worth his weight in salt, eh. Bischoff agrees with Y2J and puts him into the Main Event of Vengeance. Christian shows up and flips out, but he's put at ease. This doesn't mean that Captain Charisma is out on his creepy little ear. Quite the contrary. He's still in the mix. How? Now it will be Christian… against John Cena… against Chris Jericho… in a Triple Threat Match. How's that? All agree and Cena appears out of nowhere to spear Jericho to the ground. The two roll around and brawl and the camera pics up some storage boxes marked "ECW." It looked like it was an unplanned mistake, but still counts as a semi-mention. Actually, I'll count it as half. As the refs separate the brawling rapper and…uh, 80s hair band guy, JC screams out, "I'll take you to war! I'll take you to war!" Sounds good, John. I needed a ride. Shotgun! Go to commercial. But first…

Mentions

Michael Jackson: 4

ECW Show: 2.5

Commercial Break. Skittles Bubble Gum - Inflate the Rainbow. Taste the Rainbow. I guess even though it's bubble gum, "Blow the Rainbow" wouldn't be appropriate, huh?

Raw is brought to you by Axe Body Deodorant, Castrol, and Starburst. When reading the tag line for Axe, Lawler says "Get ready, playa." It was as funny as it sounds.

(3) Viscera pinned Maven after a Sitdown Powerbomb Viscera raped Lillian into liking him. Honestly. She's his woman now. Jerry Lawler claims he has pictures. Why? Who knows? All we know is that she didn't like him and he kidnapped her. Now she's back and she digs him. It makes you think that none of the WWE writers have ever had a girlfriend. Otherwise they might know how real relationships work. I can barley understand one guy kidnapping a girl and her falling for him. It seems like lately that's the new thing around here. Men make women like them through force. Good message for the young people. Go get what you want. If she don't want it. Make her want it. Speaking of wanting it, Maven took a Viscera Butt Pumpin' and then a Sit-Down Powerbomb for the pinfall loss. Just to recap: Lillian didn't like him. He kidnaps Lillian. Now she likes him. Got it. I better write that down. Man, I wish I had this formula when I was single.

Good news, folks. Despite being low key the last few weeks, Ric Flair is still madly in love with Triple H. Bacstage, He tells Hunter that he's the greatest today. No Raw Draft Pick can challenge his ish. Trips doesn't see it that way. The way Helmsley sees it, if John Cena can come to Raw, anyone can. He explains to the Nature Boy that they need to walk to the ring and call out this newcomer before he arrives. He best know how things work around here. He better know who runs this show. This is Hunter's World: Where Every Day is Monday and Growing Weird Mustaches is the Cool Thing to do.

Later Tonight: The #2 Raw Draft Pick makes his first appearance . (Stone Cold Note: I hope it ain't a sand person.)

Commercial Break. The first ad for the encore of ECW One Night Stand airs. I'm not counting it as a mention because it was during the commercial break and I wouldn't count Michael Jackson if he was mentioned in a commercial break. Also, an encore ad shouldn't be something extra special. They're supposed to air ads for their PPV encores. Considering that Hunter-Batista: The Movie ran for six minutes, there's no way to justify the fact that the best pay show of the year only got one encore commercial and we're 25 minutes removed from the end of Raw. Amazing.

(4) Kane pinned Sylvan Grenier after a choke slam Splendid. Two filler matches in a row. This one had nothing to do with the La Resister. It was all about Lita and her speech. Grenier did the job. He was pinned and just served to kill time until her music hit. It was the exact match you would imagine if you imagined Grenier-Kane. What did you expect - a Horowitz-Candido upset? Sorry. Not today folks. Sylvan takes the choke slam like a flagpole up the bum and it looks like we're done. However Big Red isn't happy. He picks him up again and nails the brutal move once more. Count three this time. He's done.

Following the bell, the Kanester's ex-wife comes out to make some comments about how he left her unsatisfied. To be fair, she came out here for another reason. What' that reason? Well, maybe Gene Snitsky can answer that…

Snitksy arrives and Leets says she wants to clear the air about the whole baby thing. Apparently she now realizes that Snitz was right in saying that the nasty fetus-murder scandal wasn't his fault. It was actually Kane's fault. He put her in harm's way, not Gene. In fact, Amy owes Snitty a debt of gratitude for killing her baby. She wants to thank him. According to the former Mrs. Version Red Machine, she "really, really, wanted to thank ya." With that, she opens her mouth and plants a huge kiss on him. Overjoyed, Gene-o says "My pleasure" like an excited, overgrown ten year old and runs off. He was actually kind of funny. At least now we have some closure on all this…as strange and illogical as it all seems.

With that out of the way, Dumas intros her fiancé Edge. Clad in a Kane tee-shirt, he arrives and puts his arm around his wife-to-be. Speaking of to-be, it's going to be a lot sooner than you think. In fact, screw Vengeance. This wedding is going down next week! It's gonna happen right here on Raw! After the announcement, Adam "Boom Boom" Copeland told the Monster that he'll be showing Leets the "real one-eyed monster" after the nuptials. At least I think that's what he said. I couldn't tell. I was too busy crying over the prospect of another stupid on-air wrestling wedding. These things are becoming too frequent. Al Wilson & Dawn, Kane & Lita, Edge & Lita, Billy & Chuck…enough already! If you're going to insist on doing weddings, at least have them end in cake fights like they used to. I hate rasslin' weddings, but I love me a good cake fight.

Commercial Break. Keep your stomach and your wallet full at Taco Bell. They never say what they will be filled with, just that they'll be full. That's not good.

So level with me, Doc. What is it?

Yeah. I know, Doc. My friend Lemmy in Motorhead has the same condition.

Triple H is here and he's a suit-wearing, water-spitting fool. The Game asks the crowd if it's hot in here. Why? Because he's on fire! You hear that? He's on fire! Duh. Blah blah. He's gonna light up Vegas at Vengeance. Blah Blah. What happens in Vegas is gonna be seen around the world. Blah blah. He's gonna win the title for an 11th time. Blah? Blah, blah, blahblah. He's the king of kings and he's going to take back his throne. That's neither her nor there, though. This is about the Draft Lottery. People think that being drafted gives them to march out onto the show as if they were married to the boss's daughter or something. Well no way, Jose! Hunter says "I don't know who you are…Mr. Draft Pick." (JG Note: He does the quotes thing with his fingers when he said "Mr. Draft Pick." I actually laughed out loud. It reminded me of the guy in Not Another Teen Movie that would say "You always had a thing for ugly chicks…Mr. I Got a Thing For Ugly Chicks." I don't think Trips meant for it to be funny, so it was more a case of me laughing at him and not with him.) He challenges the Pick to show his face. Show it! Show it!

Val Venis, let's go. You're on.

Shut up. Really? I could have sworn you went to Smackdown ages ago. No? You sure? Wow. OK. Oh, neveminind. There's our guy. That's got to be him. Steven! Hey Steven Richards…

Actually, it's…Kurt Angle! Your Olympic Hero checks in as Draft Pick #2 and he's wearing a buttoned up shirt too. Angle looks uneasy about his introduction and steps right up to the Game to deliver his feelings. Look, Hunter. Kurt can respect what you've done on Raw. Now, if it was anyone else from Smackdown coming out as #2, then they should take a backseat to you. However, Kurt Angle ain't just anyone. The days of Hunter Hearst Dominance are over. Whooo!

Enraged, Ric Flair jumps into the Olympian's face and lets out a Whoo of his own. The two have what Lawler calls a "Whoo Off" and Triple separates them. He welcomes Baron Von Bestiality back to the "Big Leagues" in one of those lame, worked inter-brand rivalry things. He then reminds the newest Raw guy that this is, in fact, Raw and the shots are called by the Cerebral Assassin.

Kurtis recalls seeing Trip at WrestleMania 21. That was the night that he made Shawn Michaels tap, while the H Man lost to Batista. At this point, Hunter removes his jacket and he's sopping wet. I mean sopping. He's totally drenched in sweat. It's so bad that his shirt is stuck to him. Upon closer inspection, Flair and Angle are too. Someone had the bright idea of letting everyone dress up and then sweat all over themselves. It was gross. I felt like they all just got done showering with each other…while wearing dress clothes.

Sweaty McFuzzmug tells Angle that he was he was flying around the World selling out arena while he was on Smackdown "getting your ass kicked by Booker T's wife, Charmelle." KA responds that he liked all that, but he liked it for a reason. Why? Let's just say he has a thing for other people's wives. Ooooo. He goes on…

"You know, while we're on the subject, what happened with Michael Jackson today is nothing compared to what I got away with when I was making out with your wife behind your back!"

- Kurt Angle, 11pm

Mentions

Michael Jackson: 5

ECW Show: 2.5

Just as you think we're about to finally let the cat out of the bag, the Game saves us from the harsh sting of truth.

"You know what, Kurt? Everyone made out with my ex-wife. So what's your point?"

- Triple H, 11pm

Pulled you right out of reality, huh? You thought that he was gonna admit to it on air, right? You thought this was it, right? Psyche! Hunter asks Angle if he has a point or just wants to babble on. (JG Note: The irony of Triple H asking someone else that is off the charts.) The Gold Medallist says that he's impressed with Batista. He knows that there's some plans for a Hell in a Cell or something, but that doesn't meant that Kurt can't fight the champ just to prove his worth. It doesn't have to be about the title. It's about ability. On that note, he challenges Dave to a match the night after Vengeance and claims that the Bat Boy will choke. Hunter tries to start a sentence, but Tista's music hits and he arrives to join the 3 Sweaty Brooks Brothers.

Batista's first order of business is to tell Angle that after last night on the ECW pay-per-view, he shouldn't talk about choking. Oh snap. Hey. There was a pay-per-view last night? I almost forgot. He recaps Kurt's challenge but is stopped by the Draftee. Are you scared, Dave? Triple steps in and mocks the Angler for making such an ridiculous allegation. Scared? No way! Gamy taught the Deacon everything he knows. Why wait till after Vengeance? Why not have the match next week? At this point, Tista steps in and tells H that he knows what he's doing and he wants him to stop. I'm guessing that he wants him to stop because he sees through Gameboy's attempt to get into his head and reschedule the match….that is, until Tista agrees to fight Kurt next week. Weird, right? I know what you're up to, Hunter. You want me to fight him next week. I won't let you get into my head. You know what? I'll prove it to you! I'll fight him next week. How's that, Hunter? Huh? I sure showed you…wait...Doh! Oh, by the way…

Mentions

Michael Jackson: 5

ECW Show: 3.5

Angle says that everyone is happy with the outcome. Then, without warning, Shawn Michael arrives. He stops the festivities and cites that ol' HBK didn't get what he wants. You know who he wants? He wants Mr. Angle! He wants him at Vengeance! The crowd chants HBK. Sweaty Kurt confirms that Michaels wants to lose twice in a row. After confirmation, things turn physical and a pier seven brawl breaks out. I know. I know, but Pier Six was overbooked. Fists fly as we fade to black.

All in all…You're back in Kansas, Toto. This show was way below anything we should have excepted. Raw was more like a half hour show wedged into a two hour time slot. When you consider that WWE hit a home run last night, you have to wonder why they struck out so bad tonight. Sadly, last night was the exception and tonight was the rule. Even can't-miss segments and angles feel dull when presented so blandly.

John Cena is already becoming another name on the show. He's the WWE Champion! He's on Raw! This should be a huge deal. Teddy Long should be flipping out. Eric Bischoff should be dancing in the aisles. Instead it's pined over while he's on screen and ignored when he's not. I would have hoped that he'd be presented better than he's been. It cheapens the title and makes it seem like an upper midcard title at best. The whole thing diminishes any progress they made when JBL held the strap on Smackdown. Damn. It's enough to make so mad that you sucker punch the Blue Meanie.

Kurt Angle's jump was handled in a similar uninspiring way. With such a huge name added to the show, you wonder why they would wait so long to introduce him. Having him interact with Triple H initially may have been a mistake too. Angle has been playing the dirty horny villain on Thursday. So you introduce him in a war of words with Monday's top heel? Why? Having him come out to confront Batista and then introducing Trips would have made more sense. It would have gotten him a bigger reaction too. With the Game in the ring, most people expected a baby face. When Kurt arrived, it was confusing. Fans didn't know whether to cheer or boo. That's not good.

Hindsight being 20/20, it might have been a bad idea for Kurt, Hunter, and Ric to wear button up shirts during their promo. By the end, they were all soaked in perspiration. Ugh. Maybe WWE was trying to cross promote those action figures that you fill with water and make sweat. If not, then this was just repulsive for no reason.

Steve Austin sees Sand People. Splendid. You'd think that having Stone Cold interjected into the Hassan-Benjamin conflict would spike interest, right? Me too. Weird how things don't work out the way you expect, huh? It's just becoming more ridiculous. Muhammad continues to be booed for bringing up valid points. He's discriminated against. We all see that. Why do we boo him then? Oh wait…now I remember - Because he's a Sand Person. I almost forgot.

Viscera becomes the latest in the "Rape 'em Till They Love You" club. Always good to see that. We also had a good amount of filler, extended video packages, and needless banter. There was more mentions of Michael Jackson than ECW tonight too. It was an all around under whelming show. When you consider that WWE was coming off a tremendous pay show, hyping the next one, and introducing Kurt Angle to a brand, that's pretty disappointing. It's one thing to present a boring show when you have nothing to promote. It's another to present a boring show when you have a lot to work with. Tonight, they had a lot to work with…and did nothing with it.

That's it for me, folks. Be well. Oh wait….

Final Talley

Michael Jackson: 5

ECW Show: 3.5

Wow.