Report By: Celian Varini
Live from the Toyota Center in Houston,
Texas.
Hosted by : Michael Cole
& Tazz in the US, and the fat Mexican and the gay
Mexican when you press the SAP button.
The Power is back !
1) LOD & Christy Hemme defeated
MNM at 6:25 when Christy pinned Melina after
a Doomsday Device
Christy is very “Sunny-esque” in her attitude
since pairing up with LOD. Animal has his left shoulder
taped. At 2:00 MNM connected with their finisher on
Animal, but he kicked out. MNM worked on Animal for
seemingly forever. (actually 3 minutes). The girls entered
at 5:00. Animal & Christy hit the Hart Attack on
Melina. After a Huracanrana on Melina by Christy, Animal
set her up for a Doom’s Day Device. Christy pinned
Melina after a Doom’s Day Device. Christy Varini
celebrated with the Tag champs.
Eddie Guerrero came to wish good luck
to his “friend” Batista for tonight. Thy
had a stare-down. Batista wished him good luck too.
They had the stare-down again. TENSION!~
LOD and Christy went backstage to the
“Instant Access” booth. A new setup
where some WWE Superstars ™ answer
to internet Qs and such.
Simon Dean came to the ring with a fat
guy carrying 20 double cheeseburgers. He vowed to eat
them if he couldn’t beat Lashley.
2) Bobby Lashley defeated Simon
Dean at 1:55 with a Dominator
Cole called Lashley the “Real Deal”.
Bobby has a real tough act to follow with a nickname
like that… Dean distracted the ref by throwing
burgers on the ring and hit Lashley with the plate.
Bobby didn’t feel a thing. He tried a powermove,
messed it up badly, and then hit his finisher. For the
win in less than 2:00 minutes.
Steve Romero interviewed JBL and Jillian.
JBL called RAW the “B-team” and told them
to “come get some”. JBL talked trash about
the jumping bean. Rey Mysterio interrupted and spoke
in Spanish. The crowd laughed. JBL asked him to speak
English since you know, this is America. Rey-Rey gave
a mask to JBL to hide his shame, he refused so Rey gave
it to Jillian. Shocking !~
Bobby Lashley sat down with Josh Mathews
for “Instant Access”. Teddy Long came in
to congratulate him.
Fatal Four Way up next...
3) US Champion Chris Benoit defeated
Booker T, Christian, and Orlando Jordan at
10:23 when he forced Christian to submit to a Sharpshooter
Sharmell came out before the match to
her own entrance music (!!) to introduce her husband
Booker T. Her annoyance factor was up to 9.5 Isn’t
it ironic that Sharmell rhymes with charming ? Benoit
put on the Crossface to Orlando at 1:55, but Christian
broke it up. Booker and Benoit had an intense face-off
and Cole referenced the “best of 7 series”
from WCW. Christian has had zero offence and is just
being tossed out the ring like a dummy. OJ almost pinned
Booker on a Sunset flip when Booker seemingly “forgot”
to kick out. At 6:40 Booker hit the Spinaroonie. At
7:35 Benoit placed 2 German Suplexes on Christian, threw
OJ out the ring and then gave Christian 4 other Germans,
and then tried the Swan Dive top rope Headbutt, but
Christian moved. At 9:20 Benoit locked the Crossface
on Christian and OJ was super late to break it up. At
10:23 Christian tapped out to a Benoit Sharpshooter.
Tazz & Cole listed TONS of ol’ US champs to
get over the title. That charming bitch Sharmell chewed
out her husband after the match.
A commercial for WWE Fanatic Series aired
: Superstars of the 80’s.
Backstage, Bobby Lashley screamed at Simon
Dean to eat the cheeseburgers. Simon tried to back down,
but Lashley insisted and used force. 20 double cheeseburgers
! That’s like 40 normal ones !!
Chris Benoit went in for “Instant
Access”.
4) Ken Kennedy beat Hardcore Holly
at 8:50 with his second rope inverted Samoan Drop.
Kennedy, as usual, did his own intro in place of Tony
Chimmel. He said some bad stuff about Houston and put
over how this is his first ever PPV appearance. Like
twins wrestling each other. Kennedy hit his finisher
for the win, and then took the mic to announce the winner
: Ken Kennedy ….. Kennedy !
Holly hurt his shoulder. Referees tried
to help him out, he refused their help and screamed
at them. Then Sylvan arrived! There is a GOD!
Sylvan attacked the injured Holly and
focused on the ribs. He hit his finisher on Holly and
posed for pictures. Referees didn’t do anything
and just waited for Sylvan to finish his attack.
Backstage: Simon Dean found a
hair in one of his burgers. He weeped but Lashley forced
him to continue eating. I’m hungry.
Sharmell continued to chew out Booker
T. backstage. Ken Kennedy interrupted the loving couple
and put over his win with his usual spiel. He’s
a “winner” and Booker is a “loser”.
Gold. Even the
crowd laughed at the face. Sharmell said that Booker
was the problem of it all.
5) John “Bradshaw”
Layfield (with Jillian) beat Rey Mysterio at
13:24 with the Clothesline From Hell.
Booyaka, Booyaka!! Officially the worse entrance theme
of all time. Channel changing bad. JBL looks HUGE next
to Rey-Rey, it’s insane. JBL actually put on a
headlock on Rey less than a minute into the match …
and held it on for over 70 seconds ! In 2005, that is
unbelievable. Tazz excused JBL’s performance even
before the match by saying that he had stomach problems
for the past 2 days after eating spicy food. Cole called
a tilt-a-whirl headscissors a “huracanrana”,
and Tazz had to correct him! Rey hit a Bulldog on JBL
to the outside. JBL tripped Rey and he hit his head
on the ring steps. At 7:50 JBL hit 2 Fallaway Slams
on Rey, and then a third one on the outside of the ring.
JBL then put on a bear-hug on Rey for over a minute
in the center of the ring. Rey countered with a Tornado
DDT. At 11:20 Rey came back on offence and hit the Bronco
Buster. Jillian distracted the ref and Rey, but JBL
missed the Clothesline From hell and Rey hit a Moonsault.
JBL kicked out at 2. At 11:20 Rey came back on offence
and hit the Bronco Buster. Jillian distracted the ref
and Rey, but JBL missed the Clothesline From hell and
Rey hit a Moonsault. JBL kicked out at 2. Rey hit the
619 but JBL countered a Drop Of The Dime with a Clothesline
From Hell for the win.
A commercial for RAW aired, focusing on the fact that
someone is gonna get fired.
They promoted the CD “Save Me”,
the official theme for No Mercy.
4 druids brought out a giant casket after
the Ortons got in the ring. Undertaker’s entrance
seemed to last a lifetime.
6) Randy Orton & Cowboy” Bob Orton beat The
Undertaker in a Casket match. At 19:07.
Double team on Taker by the Ortons for the first 2:30.
Bob Orton wrestler in a shirt and jeans, completely
covered up. At 3:15 Taker put Bob Orton in the casket,
but the 2 Ortons have to be in it to win. At 6:30 Taker
tried the “Old School” on Bob O., but Randy
crotched him. The Ortons hit a double Superplex at 7:25.
At 9:30 Randy hit his cool-looking backbreaker on the
Dead Dude. Bob Orton got a fire extinguisher out but
couldn’t use it. Taker hit Randy with a chairshot
and put him in the casket. He put a triangle choke on
Bob and put him in it too, but Randy countered before
he could close the casket. The 3 men were now in the
casket fighting. Taker & Randy then fought in the
ring while Bob stayed KO’ed in the casket. At
13:55 Taker hit a low-blow on the well-hung Randy Orton.
The crowd was super hot screaming “Rest In Peace”
the whole match. At 16:23 Taker hit the Last Ride on
Orton, and then tried to Tombstone Orton in the casket
but Bob Orton popped out of the casket and blinded Taker
with the fire extinguisher. Randy hit the RKO on a blinded
Taker. Bob Orton rolled the Taker in the casket, but
he countered. Randy hit Taker with the fire extinguisher.
At 18:33 Bob closed the casket with both Taker and Randy
in it. They got out and Randy KO’ed Taker with
a chair and then finally closed the casket for the win.
After the match, Randy Orton tried to destroy the huge
casket with an axe. Bob brought in gasoline and set
the casket on fire.
A promo for Wrestlemania 22 aired. April
2nd 2006 in Chicago. Be there or Bull Buchanan. Sorry
… Be Square.
Cole & Tazz tried to look emotional
at the death of the Taker, but failed.
Juvi just came out for the cruiser match.
7) Juventud (with Super Crazy
and Psychosis) beat Cruiserweight champion Nunzio (with
Vito) at 6:49 with the JuviDriver to capture
the title.
Juvi won a chance at the title by winning a Cruiser
Battle Royale on Velocity. The crowd was dead. The commentary
was horrible, Tazz and Cole talked about everything
BUT the match. They had a 2 minute debate about what
“The Juice” nickname was referring to. Pineapple
juice? Juicy fruit? … At 6:00 Juvi got rid of
an interfering Vito. Juvi hit a Northern Lights Suplex/JuviDriver
combo for the win. Title change!!! Hugo interviewed
the Mexicools in Spanish after the match on the arena
mic.
Backstage... Simon Dean finished up his 20th
cheeseburger. Bobby Lashley said that was only 19 and
gave Simon one last burger. Simon couldn’t take
it and went to the bathroom to vomit. Lashley was not
good at all at improv during those skits.
They promo’ed the Survivor Series
for November and then showed the Mexicools in the “Instant
Access” area.
8) World Champion Batista pinned
Eddie Guerrero at 18:40 with a Spinebuster
The face-off between the 2 was embarrassing
for Eddie as he arrived at Batista nipple-level. The
announcers have been making an insane amount of references
all night to the stars of wrestling of yesteryear. Nothing
happened for the first 6 and a half minutes of the match
as the only offensive maneuver was a headlock from Batista.
No joke. I just checked the calendar, it is 2005. At
7:00 Eddie took out a steel chair but couldn’t
use it. At 7:45 he hit the Frog Splash to Batista’s
back out of nowhere, but the champ kicked out. Eddie
tried out various submissions on Batista and then took
out a tag rope from the turnbuckle. He hesitated and
decided not to use it … yet ? Eddie then applied
a chinlock. This is Hogan/Warrior Havoc ‘98 in
action level. (JG NOTE: Halloween
Havoc '98 is available at Amazon or wherever shit
is sold.) At 12:45 Batista screamed and seemed to make
a comeback, but Eddie countered and attempted a Texas
Cloverleaf. Batista countered with a Small Package for
a 2 count. At 14:35 the refree was KO’ed. In 15
minutes there was 2 bumps in the match and one was from
the ref. Eddie took out a steel chair. Cole went nuts
on commentary saying that he knew what the true colors
of Eddie were. Eddie hesitated but didn’t use
the chair … yet? Batista made his comeback and
shook the ropes Warrior style at 16:00. Eddie countered
a Batista Bomb with a Sunset Flip. Batista hit a Spinebuster
but couldn’t cover Eddie soon enough because of
his injured back. Batista hit a Spinebuster but couldn’t
cover Eddie soon enough because of his injured back.
Guerrero hit the 3 Amigos at 18:00. The crowd was half
and half. Batista moved out of a Frog Splash and hit
a Spinebuster for the win. Not main event worthy.
Eddie shook the hand of his friend Batista
after the match, but smiled when Batista turned his
back to him. They faced off, there was still tension,
but that’s how it ended. Batista retains.
FIN
