You know what I like about men? We only have two feelings:
hungry and horny. Unless drunk is a feeling, then we have
three. Women, on the other hand, are nuts. Why would you,
after having sexual relations with your partner, start
crying and asking them if they think you are attractive?
I just had sex with you, didn't I? Yes, I think you're
attractive. Of course, at this point I'd have sex with
a tire swing. You know what else bugs me? I've been trying
to buy underwear for two weeks. But, everytime I go to
get underwear there's about three women picking through
the men's underwear! Why? Your husband can't pick out
his own underwear? In the mean time, I'm stuck with nothing
but a three year old elastic band. But, I'm not going
to buy underwear with strange women watching me. If I
was picking through the women's underwear, I'd be labeled
a masher and probably arrested for perversion. It's a
tough, tough world, men. Thank god we have rasslin'.
Well, I tuned in to Smackdown about five minutes late
and Matt Hardy, Christian, and some other fools are already
in the ring talking about Taboo Tuesday. You know, the
PPV we get to choose *wink wink nudge nudge*. I pop open
a beer and here comes Hardcore Holly. Cole says, "I
can't think of anyone I'd rather see in Taboo Tuesday
than Hardcore Holly." Does Cole even watch wrestling?
Anyway, there's a match, it's pretty good. Rey Mysterio
wins it. He shakes hands with Matt Hardy. Do you know
what this means, kiddies? It means Edge is going to pin
Hardy at Taboo Tuesday.
Oh, and WWE fans will chant "Holy Shit" when
someone does a suplex. It's called the X-division, people,
look it up. And if I seem a little bitter, I am. Someone
my wife works with gave us a couch. We didn't need a couch.
I like the one we have. If I wanted a couch, I'd go buy
a new one. Not one that strangers have probably sat naked
on. So, we carry out the old couch (this is at 10 pm),
carry in the new couch. My wife don't like the new couch.
We carry out the new couch. We carry the old couch back
in. My back hurts.
Booker T is backstage. He can afford snazzy shirts now
that he's US champ. Now I know why Sharmell was so intent
on it. They're gonna talk to Teddy Long. Teddy lets Booker
know that Sharmell helped him win. Booker is upset. He's
gonna make her apologize to Benoit. I smell a swerve a
mile away. Well, we'll find out after the break.
On VH1, they're showing another "I Love the 80's."
You know what I love about the 80s? I could still see
my penis over my stomach.
And we're back. Piper is here. He's on crack, but he's
funny as all get out. He says the Ortons are devolving.
Bob's dad was big, smart and strong. Bob is big and strong.
Randy is just, well, big. It was a funny bit.
We get a taste of the juniors for the first time tonight.
They're messing with Simon Dean. Apparently Johnny Ace
said that people can't have motorized vehicles in the
building anymore, so Dean has to give up his rascal.
Smackdown is proud to present to you....the Juniors!
You know, I don't mind the Juniors. But, for God's sake
let them wrestle. Instead, they're turned into a cheap,
unfunny, comedy bit. Note to WWE's creative team: little
people are not inherently funny. I mean, you can't just
throw them out there to do anything and except it to be
funny because they're little. Give Super Porky a ham,
now that's funny. It's funny because it's a ham. So, what
am I saying? Ham=funny. The old bucket full of confetti
(or as Cole called it Graffiti) not funny. Let the little
guys wrestle if you're gonna use them. Who knows, they
might put on a killer match. Yes, an actual match!
Anyway, Short Sleeve Sampson beats Pitbull Patterson.
Patterson came out with a bucket (see above) and what's
his name says "The bucket represents what the juniors
bring to the table." You see folks, it's a metaphor.
It's deep. WTF?
Oh, and when Sampson beat Patterson, Cole said, and I
kid you not, "Patterson beats the other guy."
He basically got everything wrong.
Tazz is funny. Don't believe me? Check out this classic.
"He came up a little short." Hardy har har.
Oh, after the match the juniors beat up Simon Dean. You
know your gimmick has failed when you're getting beat
up by another gimmick that is going to fail.
Can you dig it, Sucka! I'm going to be Booker T for Halloween.
I got a wig for it today from the dollar store for three
bucks. I look more like the guy from the Counting Crows,
but...in my mind I'm Booker. Well, Booker makes Sharmell
apologize to Benoit. I don't think she means it. She also
apologizes for Booker not being a real man. Poor Book.
But wait, remember that swerve I smelled, here it comes.
Booker busts Benoit's head open with the belt and a feud
is born. I don't mind, those two can put on some good
matches. Probably not as good as their best of seven in
WCW, but good matches.
Cole: "You mean this has been a
set up all along?" DUH.
Tazz wants to know why Booker would do this. I have an
answer: Because he's Booker T, bitch. That's the way he
rolls.
There's a sign in the audience that reads, "I love
beer." Me too, friend, me too.
Am I the only one who remembers where the nick name The
Juice comes from? Read up on your Russo history folks.
Trick or Treat. No, really, Trick or Treat.
Jake the Snake was awesome. He provided me hours of entertainment
when I was young. He had great ring psychology and I can
remember his matches with Randy Savage blowing me away.
I will buy the
"Pick Your Poison" DVD. But, I swear, if
they do a Ultimate Warrior hack job on him, I'll never
watch WWE again. I know, he has a lot of problems, many
of them self-inflicted. I don't mind if the DVD approaches
that in an honest and compassionate way, but if they tear
him apart, I'm done with them.
Oh, there's a fatal four-way. Mexicools, Englanites,
um..you know. Basically the same match they've shown for
the last three weeks. Well, it's good timing because I
have to go pick my wife up from work (then when I get
back, it'll be the entire couch ordeal...wow, this sentence
is almost like traveling back in time). Anyway, the rest
is completely made up. During the fatal fourway Abdullah
the Butcher came out and killed everyone. Then, he fed
them to Super Porky.
You can't see me. Really, cuz I'm invisible.
Remember the movie Cocktail? You don't have to fling
bottles around when you're drinking Milwaukee's Best Light.
Life is more simple. I have a slogan for Milwaukee's Best
Light. They can have it for free and it goes like this.
"Milwaukee's Best Light--It gets you drunk."
Me and Mr. Kennedy show back up in my living room at
the same time. The Ortons are there. So's Eddie and Batista,
and Piper. Piper's not wearing a shirt. I'll have nightmares
tonight. They live, Roddy, they live.
Understatement of the night comes from Tazz: "Piper's
not in ring shape."
Anyway, they all roll around and eventually Piper puts
Bob to sleep with the, um, sleeper. That's the show.
Yes, I realize I sound bitter, but when you're not in
the best of moods anyway, wrestling is supposed to put
you in a better mood. Tonight's Smackdown didn't. It goes
deeper than that, however. RAW is seeping in to it. It's
even more than that, it's the McMahons. I can't shake
the feeling they really do think they -are-
the business. It's a cockiness that don't sit well with
me because it's not part of the show. The kicker is, TNA
is putting on a much better product right now. If wrestling
was music, WWE would be the Backstreet boys and TNA would
be Nirvana right before they broke out. I realize that's
not a good analogy, but I'm drunk. The point is, WWE is
trying to be too commercial for it's own good and TNA
still has a bit of artistic integrity to it.
Two hours of wrestling and no Super Porky. I'm sad. Goodbye.
Bermuda...Jamaica...ohhhhh, I wanna take ya....
***
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E-mail Dan at:
Dan@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com
