WWE employees are going about their normal activities.
INT. WWE CONFERENCE ROOM
VINCE MCMAHON, STEPHANIE MCMAHON, TRIPLE H, and two members of the creative team are seated around a large oak table having what looks to be pretty serious meeting.
VINCE MCMAHON: All right, we have to cut out an hour of Raw for the Saturday morning show. Any ideas?
STEPHANIE MCMAHON: Were there any matches on Raw last week?
NAMELESS CREATIVE GUY #1: There was a Diva match.
VINCE: We can’t cut that out, boobies equal ratings. And what kid doesn’t like boobies? I love boobies. I could just shove my face in ’em all day long and…
STEPHANIE: (interrupting) All right, dad, we get the point. Well, we’re not cutting my segment. That was the highlight of the show, from what I’ve been told.
TRIPLE H: And we’re not cutting out my part. Kids love me.
VINCE: I think it goes without saying that the Dr. Heiney skit has to air intact and un-edited. We can’t deprive our young viewers of some good old-fashioned corn-hole humor at JR’s expense. Everyone enjoys that, am I wrong?
Brief awkward silence.
NAMELESS CREATIVE GUY #2: I think we can cut the Rosey vs. Cade and Murdoch match.
VICNE: Who’s doing what with the what now?
STEPHANIE: They’re our tag champs, daddy. Remember?
VINCE: (concerned) Oh yeah. Right. Right. How could I have forgotten about our prestigious tag champs?
Everyone has a good laugh.
TRIPLE H: (wiping a tear from his eye) Good one, dad.
STEPHANIE: All right, back to business. Any ideas?
TRIPLE H: We could cut Shawn’s match.
STEPHANIE: Good idea. I don’t think anyone will even notice. The fans want to see the McMahon family in all its dysfunctional and comedic glory. And Hunter.
TRIPLE H: Yeah they do.
VINCE: Well then, it’s settled. We’ll start the show with Stephanie’s segment, minus the Foley part. Then we’ll segue into Hunter’s segment, minus the Flair stuff. From there, we can roll right into my segment, and then…(pauses to think)
NAMELESS CREATIVE GUY #1: There’s always the Cena/Angle match.
VINCE: Did that son-of-a-bitch just cut me off?!
STEPHANIE: (to NAMELESS CREATIVE GUY #1) Hey, asshole, you have a lot of nerve cutting off my daddy! Without him, idiots like you would still be writing Rob Schneider movies!
TRIPLE H: Hey, um, Steph, did he just look you in the eye?
VINCE: (excitedly rubbing his hands together) I think he did.
STEPHANIE pushes her chair back and slowly approaches NAMELESS CREATIVE GUY #1 with a menacing gleam in her eye. He’s whimpering in his chair with his briefcase in his lap. A large shadow envelops him. VINCE and TRIPLE H are trying -- and failing miserably -- to contain their laughter. STEPHANIE, wearing a very short leather mini-skirt and sexy high-heel boots, puts her massive leg up on the table, giving NAMELESS CREATIVE GUY #1 a perfect view of her … balls falling out. He falls over backwards in his chair and scurries out of the room.
VINCE and HUNTER can no longer contain their laughter. STEPHANIE shoots them an icy glare as she tucks her balls back in, and the two men quickly simmer down.
NAMELESS CREATIVE GUY #2: (nervously) We could, um, maybe air the Stephanie and Mr. McMahon segments at the top of the show, and, um, replay them again at the end, in case, you know, anyone missed them at the beginning or just wanted to see them again or whatever.
VINCE and STEPHANIE nod approvingly. HUNTER looks confused.
TRIPLE H: So where does this scenario leave me? How many times does my segment run?
STEPHANIE: Just once, Hunter.
TRIPLE H: Yeah, but that’s not fair.
STEPHANIE: Life’s not always fair, sweetie. But if you’re good, I’ll make you a grilled cheese sandwich when we get home.
TRIPLE H: (pouting) With two kinds of cheese?
STEPHANIE: Whatever you want, honey.
TRIPLE H: Fine.
END SCENE.
FADE TO BLACK.
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[The intro above was written before the show actually aired, so it’s not entirely accurate. In fact, this show featured absolutely no McMahons. That’s right, TV’s most dysfunctional and entertaining family took a much needed morning off.]
The show begins with The Sexy Boy Toy Shawn Michaels dancing his way to the ring, followed by The Biggest Show Ever and The Big Ugly Red Machine. This triple-threat match lends itself better to Saturday mornings than it does Monday nights, as it seemed slightly more entertaining this time around. Michaels again proves why he’s the best ever by creating movement in the match and bumping his sexy heiney off for the two plodding giants. The Show catches Michaels and presses him over his head before dropping him onto an awaiting Kane on the outside. This is a perfect opportunity for some…
Commercials. There’s a new Tony Hawk game out, in case you’re already sick of the five games they’ve pumped out so far this year.
We’re treated to a few more minutes of the match before HBK gets the big win by superkicking Kane out of his boots and then felling The Giant with some “Sweet Chin Music” of his own.
[I have a hard time believing that someone as enormous and powerful as The Big Show could be that easily pinned with a kick to the chin from a guy one-third his size. But that’s just me. Oh, and in case you haven’t noticed yet, I think WWE wants us to pick HBK as the Taboo Tuesday main event choice. I could be wrong.]
Triple H vs. The 500-pound Love Machine Viscera is up next. But first…
Commercials.
John Cena went to some Nascar event over the weekend and got to ride shotgun for a spin around the track in one of those, um, cars. He acts like a scared little bitch the whole time, and actually holds his comically oversized championship belt in his lap during the ride. Yes, it does look as lame as it sounds. The best part was when Cena said about his really tight jumpsuit, “You know when you’re a kid, in the winter time, and you got the same snowsuit, like, year after year, and that one year that it gets too big? That’s where I’m at.” So, the snowsuit gets bigger as you get older? Whatever you say, champ.
The Cerebral Fatty is here and his silhouette looks more like Trever Murdoch than Triple H. Maybe he should chill out on the grilled cheese sandwiches. The match never takes place as Ric Flair runs down and saves us by attacking The Game and essentially giving Big Vis the night off. Flair pleads with the fans for a cage match on Tuesday. The announcers reluctantly give us the voting options for this match: “A one-fall match, a submission match, or a 16-FOOT HIGH UNFORGIVING SOLID STEEL CAGE DEATH MATCH WHERE TWO MEN WILL ENTER BUT ONLY ONE WILL LEAVE!” Now go cast your vote.
[I don’t know if I’m the only one, but I went to WWE.com and voted for all the options they didn’t want me to vote for. Except for the Diva thing; I picked cheerleader outfits. Not that I’ll be watching this pile of feces they’re calling a PPV, but there might be pictures.]
JBL’s limo pulls up backstage, and we’re greeted by…
Commercials.
Matt Hardy’s arch-nemesis Edge, Matt Hardy’s ex-girlfriend Lita, and a guy who probably pinned Matt Hardy a few times, Chris Masters, are already in the ring. Edge cuts his cute little promo on the Smackdown guys as JBL stands in the parking lot listening intently. And since this is a kid’s show, they probably won’t air Masters’ comments about Hardcore Holly being gay and wanting to sodomize him in the shower. Oh, hold on … yeah, they left it in. “Um, daddy. Why did that big half-naked man say that the other half-naked man with bleached blond hair, spandex, and a penchant for all thing hardcore mean when he said he’d rather have him in the shower than in the ring? Is that like when you and Auntie Lisa take showers at night together sometimes when mommy’s not home?” “Go to your room, Jimmy.”
The segment ends the same way it ended on Monday: Chris Masters gets tricked into going after JBL, leaving Edge and Lita open to a surprise-attack from Smackdown’s Rey Mysterio. Rey finishes off Lita with vicious looking 619.
[Gay sex humor and violence on women? I suppose that’s healthy for the kids.]
The main event is up next, and it’s gonna be good! But not before some delicious…
Commercials.
Mick Foley’s already in the ring, ready to referee his ass off. He looks like a fatter, sloppier version of director Peter Jackson. Angle and Cena come out and the match begins. The two men do some wrestling. Cena clotheslines Angle out of the ring, which could only mean one thing…
Commercials.
The match continues on without incident until that pesky Carlito comes strolling out. He gets up on the apron and is met with a fist from the hardcore referee. They brawl around ringside for a bit, but Carlito eventually takes control and hits Mick with his new “roll the dice” finisher on the floor. Astute play-by-play man Jonathan Coachman thinks Foley might have a broken neck. We have a new referee as Eric Bischoff runs out with his striped shirt and gray slacks (not a good look). He gives Angle the win by forcing Cena to tap to the ankle lock. Horrible, pointless finish to an otherwise okay match. The show ends with a close-up of an obviously “enhanced” Kurt Angle making crazy faces.
[As bad as Raw has been lately, I haven’t been having any problems making it through the hour-long Saturday-morning version of the show. It moves along at a quick pace, and focuses primarily on in-ring action and events taking place in the arena. There’s very little in the way of backstage segments and hokey skits. It’s just like the old days, only with less Big John Studd.]
Please send any feedback or questions to Mike Nicolau. He's a pretty good guy. He'll probably even reply to your e-mail. Go ahead, give it a try. He won't bite.
