I was wondering what it would be like to have some
of the WWE superstars over for Thanksgiving dinner. Seriously,
I was. My life's just not that exciting. Imagine having
Ric Flair over. He'd probably cut a promo on the turkey.
Flair: Tur - by God -Whooooo Key. Did
I hear someone say that me, Ric Flair, the dirtiest player
in the game couldn't eat this entire turkey? Whooo. I've
been hit by lighting, broken my back, 16 time world turkey
eating champion. I can eat it. I can eat it. I can eat
it. I'm talking about eating Jack Brisco, Harley Race,
Dory Funk, Whooo Kerry Von Erich, Cowboy Bob Turkey. So
when someone tells me, ME, that I can't eat that turkey
. . .
Me: Ric, you're bleeding all over the
mashed potatos.
At this point Flair starts elbow dropping an imaginary
pumpkin pie. Dusty Rhodes emerges from a very long bathroom
break.
Rhodes: There's a turkey . . . beating
off .. . in a trash can.
Super Porky: I'll take ham.
So, Smackdown starts out in the locker room. Everyone
is getting along. I'm not sure I like that, but Teddy
is giving them a pep talk. They are better than Raw...really....no,
seriously, Teddy says, we're not the B show. Much like
Raw, however, we're gonna have a series of matches to
determine who will represent Smackdown at Survivor Series.
First up, Randy Orton and Rey Mysterio. Randy is joined
by his dad, Cowboy Bob Orton. My name is Writer Dan Crocker.
My dad was Lead Miner John Crocker and my mom was Short
Order Cook Sue Crocker. For a second the picture goes
out on my television and all I have to go by is Announcer
Michael Cole. It's a pretty good match, lots of back and
forth, but eventually Daddy Bob gets involved and Randy
is DQ'd. The Ortons aren't happy about it, so the beat
up on little Rey for a bit, until he's saved by Matt "I'm
still here" Hardy.
I nod off a bit (it must have been all of that turkey)
and Melina...Michelle...I don't know, a couple of divas
are arguing in the ring and one of them starts getting
beat up. America's next top model? The Mexicools make
the save (I'm not sure who they're saving). But get this,
they make the save on their riding lawnmowers...by the
time they get to the ring what's her name is dead. Really,
they killed her. If only the Mexicools would have walked...
Bobby Lashley destroys Orlando Jordan. So far, the Survivor
Series line up is Batista, Rey and Lashley.
Edge is backstage and talking to Teddy Long. See, Edge
doesn't listen to Bischoff. He don't care about all of
that Mumbo Jumbo. Nope, so let's just call the street
fight off, what do you say? Teddy don't mind, but Edge
has to ask Batista first. The drama is killing me.
Next match, Mr Kennedy vs. Eddie Guerrero. Mr. Kennedy
says he is single handedly changing Friday Nights. I do
that every Friday night. Sometimes I change it right handed,
sometimes I change it left handed. I don't know what the
big deal is.
Tazz points out that Eddie is having fun again--that's
why he's coming to the ring in his low rider. It beats
a lawn mower. On his way, however, he runs over the dead
body of what's her name. Again, if only the mexicools
would have walked to the ring.
I'd invite HHH over for Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't
think it would work out to well.
Me: Hey, Hunter could you pass me the
. . .
HHH: It's all about the game!
Me: Well, how about some mashed....
HHH: It's all about the game.
Me: Some...
HHH: This turkey ain't ready for the
number one spot. Game. Me.
Eddie and Kennedy put on another pretty good television
match. The highlight is the ending. After lil' Natch took
the bump, Eddie smacks a steel chair on the ring, then
throws the chair to Kennedy. Of course, the ref sees this
and assumes Kennedy used the chair, so he gets DQ'd. That's
two DQs in one show, but this one was done so well I'm
not complaining. But, since he lost anyway, Kennedy really
hits Eddie with the chair. Tazz and Cole can't believe
it. It's uncalled for, they say. They've never seen anyone
get hit with a chair before.
Backstage, Eddie is a bit woozy. But he has Batista's
back...oh how prophetic.
And we have the juniors! But, again, no Super Porky.
I believe this is terra...terro...terror dome? Let's just
say it's Not Super Porky Vs. not Super Porky. Tazz wants
to know where they find these juniors. Here's my joke:
"They grow on trees deep in the Amazon."
Here's how Tazz answered himself: "Do you keep them
in a cage on some island?"
You decide which is funnier.
Not Super Porky wins.
We're backstage again, Lita is there showing off her
boobies. Not bad, but they have been known to put an eye
out. Back at Thanksgiving dinner at the Crocker's house.
. .
Me: Lita, could you please pass the
boobies.
Lita: . . .
Me: I mean turkey. Oh, and I'll have
just a little bit of boobies.
Lita: . . .
Me: I mean stuffing.
Lita: . . .
Me: Boobies! Boobies! Boobies!
Dusty Rhodes (after a very long
bathroom break): There's a writer...beating off....in
a trashcan.
(I can't help it, I'm just changing Friday nights again).
Oh, and the Boogeyman scares Lita. He's drooling. He
wants turkey. I mean boobies.
Meanwhile, Edge goes to have a talk with Batista. He
says they have a lot in common. Batista says, "boy,
do we. We're both hurt." Eitherway, Batista is all
for the street fight.
Welcome Chad and James. The dicks. They say they're rock
hard. Get it? I know the joke was pretty subtle. You may
have missed it.
Next match, JBL vs. Chris Benoit. Another decent match,
although Booker T interferes. For a second it looks like
Booker has a new haircut, and I'm worried that the three
dollar investment I made in my Booker T wig over Halloween
has been wasted. But, he just has his hair pulled back.
Anyway, JBL wins. You know the clothesline from hell
is still just a clothesline.
Here is where things get interesting. Sort of. We're
scheduled for a Batista/Edge street fight. But, Bichoff
is in the parkinglot. Teddy Long goes out to meet him.
Next thing we know, Teddy is in the Masterlock. Then Uncle
Eric and Masters take off in a limo. Nearly all of the
Smackdown roster follows them in JBL's limo. Teddy, because
he's like a hero or something, urges them all on and says
"don't worry about me." This will prove to be
a costly mistake because you see Edge isn't going to fight
Batista at all. Instead, he's brought along the Big Show
and Caine.
The Raw tag champs beat up on Batista. Then, one by one,
what's left of the Smackdown roster runs out and they
get beat up too. Hint: stop running out one at a time.
It never worked in Bruce Lee movies and it's not going
to work here. But, no one ever listens to me and The Big
Show and The Big Red Machine beat up everyone in the freakin'
arena. But, we're not the B show. Really, we're not.
Damn it, Lita, pass me some boobies.
***
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