Fine. Eat my shorts.

First one out the gate tonight is Uncle Shane McMahon and grand pappy Vince. Big Mac and the Boy take the ring and Vinnie gets the mic first. He reminds us once again that his daughter had a baby girl last week. So, understandably, you can’t wipe the smile off of his face. Vinnie gets briefly cut off by a kayfabed audio glitch and then continues on. You see, Granddaughter Aurora is already richer than anyone else in the arena here tonight. Shane-o chimes in with “…and far more intelligent.” The McMahons have been killing homeless people celebrating since last Monday and the celebration will continue all the way through Summerslam. Ya’ll know Summerslam, don’t cha? It’s the biggest party of the Summer! (JG Note: He’s right. Totally A-List. Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton are always fighting over who gets to have their toes sucked on by Gene Snitsky.) So Daddy Mac and Uncle Mac are going to dedicate their match at SlumberSlam to Stephanie’s baby. Who are they fighting? DeGeneration X, of course.

Are you ready?

Nope. Apparently we’re not ready. The music stops after the opening line and leaves both Little Mac and Jack LaLane confused. Shane writes off the “glitches” as typical DX mind games. Eff all that noise, though. The real question is, “Can Shawn Michaels survive the undefeated Samoan Bulldozer Umaga?”

Yo. Play the next few bars of the DX song.

Huh? No! Play the DX song!

Again there’s a short bit of the Degeneration song. Just as the chairman starts to talk through it, it kicks in. Woovy-Bezerk style.

Break it Down!

Here comes DX! Triple H has his t-shirt tucked in his jeans, which at first might be considered a fashion faux pas. However, when you consider that he’s standing beside Shawn Michaels, who is wearing his DX shirt along with a pair of black leather chaps, his sense of style doesn’t seem all that bad. Chap Boy is the first one to speak. He congratulates the McFamily on the birth of their new arrival. Shawn gives them a “mazel tov” and Hunter gives a “lekhaim.” Salute, fellas. There’s a ton to celebrate tonight. Not only is there a new baby. But now there’s a Summerslam match for DeGeneration X. Sweet deal, Buster Brown. Now, allow Shawny to bring us back to the subject at hand:

“But I don’t want to put the cart before the horse. Let’s talk about the newest addition to the McMahon family, shall we. It is my understanding that one Triple H was in that very same hospital room just last week. It is also my understanding that one Triple H has acquired the entire McMahon Family scrap book.”
- Shawn Michaels, 9:09pm

At this point, Triple H begins to introduce a series of Photoshopped photos meant to mock the McMahon Family. (JG Note: How disrespectful! What type of jerk would do that?) It all culminates with the first photo of Vince’s granddaughter. When the mystery pic is finally shown, it’s a baby’s body with Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s head edited on. Perplexed, Michaels looks and says “She reminds me of somebody, but I can’t put my finger on it.” Bada boom ching.

After the World Wrestling Insanity Slideshow ends, Shane-o Insane-o tells his aggressors that they are the ones who are the babies. That’s right. Come Summerslam, it’ll be Little Mac and his Poppa Bear changing your diapers.

This elicits laughter from DeGeneration X. Ha-ha-ha. You said you’d change DX’s diapers! (JG Note: Gold. Silly Billy’s students knew that one would hit it big with the audience. Good debut segment, kids.) We get a final “Suck It” and then, after some miscommunication with the production truck, Hunter and Shawn get their theme music played to close out the segment. Nothing great. We got a Summerslam announcement and some tongue-in-cheek allusions to Aurora being the daughter of Hunter. Oh. We also got those photoshopped photos. I’m glad the McMahons enjoy those things so much. Here, Mr. Pac-Man. I made this one for you. Hang it on the fridge.

Next: Johnny Nitro vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito Cool. Jim Ross calls it - get this - “the never ending story for the Intercontinental Championship.” Well, that certainly makes it sound like a barrel of fun.

Commercial Break. The commercial for “The Descent” says “from the studio that brought you Saw and Hostel.” No mention of See No Evil? Wonder why.

Later tonight, another Diva is getting the biznoot from the Diva Search. Jerry Lawler calls it the “worst part of the show.” Between this and the “never-ending story” comment, this has been the most honest edition of Raw in a long time.

Mike the Mizerable introduces a new segment. For no reason whatsoever, the Diva Search hopefuls will tell you who they think should be voted out. Does it have any baring on the contest? No. But it kills time. What else are we gonna use the time for? Wrestling?

Jen of The Diva Search chooses J. T. She thinks that J.T. isn’t original and a WWE diva should have their own character. I wonder if Jens referring to when she calls herself “Good Ol’ JT,“ wears a black cowboy hat and smokes cigarettes. That must be it.

1) Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro defeated Carlito and Shelton Benjamin after pinning Carlito

This match starts off with some thank yous from WWE to TSN in Canada. Starting next week, the show moves to the Score, so check your local cable listings. What? Why wouldn’t Canada get the USA Net…oh. Never mind. So it’s the next chapter in the Never Ending Story and the match, as usual, is pretty good. All three got their digs in, but in the end, none of that mattered. It was Melina, who ran interference and thwarted Shelton Benjamin’s pinfall attempt. Benji confronted her and Carlito attacked him from behind. Then, behind him, Nitro sprinted in and knocked both his opponents into each other. Carly stumbled back and John Boy retained his shiny gold belt.

Layla of The Diva Search chooses Milena. Her reason: “She can talk the talk, but when the time comes she can’t walk the walk.” Sure. Whatever you say. It was only a 20 second segment, so I’m not going to think to hard about it.

Still to come:  John Cena vs. Matt Striker.

Commercial Break. “Wanna get the Game going? Gatorade.” Wow. Gatorade? That’s what gets him going? I would have guessed flat irons, thongs, and bottled water.

We’re back from the break and the “Hey. Nothing You Can Say” song is playing. Why? Well, because the Legend Killer Randy Orton is standing in the ring. As his name implies, young Randall is prepared to kill a legend. You see, Mr. Orton is ready to break out to the big time. He’s prepared to go Hollywood and has now accepted a role in a new reality show - Orton Knows Best. Let’s meet the cast, shall we?

Out from the back comes a fake Bollea Family. There’s impersonators for each one of them except for Brian Knobbs (JG Note: It would have been hilarious if they brought out Jerry Saggs to play Knobbs' role.) The cast looks pretty good and after a prolonged family posedown, Randy opens up the floor for questioning.

His first target - Nasty Nick. He asks Pretend Nick what he wants to be when you grows up. The Nickster replies that he wants to be a wrestler just like his dad. Orton offers this advice:

“Now in order for that to happen, two things must take place. First, you’re gonna have to lose some of the hair on top of your head there. Second thing, you’re gonna have to get used to this.”

With that, Cowboy Bob’s kid kicks “Nick” in the stomach and tosses him from the ring. The fake Hulk Hogan gets “upset,” but Mr. RKO chills him out a bit before turning his attention to the phony Linda. He calls her an animal lover and says it’s evident since she married a “beached walrus.” Oof. However, some good came out of it all. Fake Hulkster and Fake Mrs. Hulkster gave birth to fake Brooke. She’s a fine piece of fake ass. The fake Hulk, complete with southern accent, again confronts Orty and tells him to simmer down. He does some Hulkster parodying but is met with stunned silence. With each passing second, this segment gets less and less interesting.

After the Fakester’s speech, the Real Randy gives him more than a “reality show.” He gives him a “reality check.” Come Summerslam, it’s all over for your career and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Now if you’ll step aside, Orton has some kissing to do. He’s gonna do it with your pretend daughter. Oh yeah. Open wide, baby. Randy Orton’s fixing to soil your purse, figuratively speaking of course.

R.O. kisses Faux Brooke passionately and draws the ire of Phony Hoagie. He gets in Orton’s face, but ends up eating an RKO for his troubles. With the pretend Mr. America down and out on the canvas, Randall is free to flirt with his fake daughter while circling the ring. Blah. I never get why they do these skits where a heel beats up imposters of his opponents. I mean, I get that it works on a certain level, but only if the imposter is so dead-on that it seems funny. You don’t get heat by beating up people who are helping you mock your opponent.

Anyway, as Ort walked around the ring, both Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross discussed the upcoming match Summerslam. Suddenly and without warning, Randy turned around and slapped Lawler across the face. It must have been a magic slap because for some reason, Jerry didn’t get up and the segment ended. I smell a new finisher. Randy Orton’s “Magical Bitch Slap.”

We’re backstage in Mr. McMahon’s makeshift Raw office. He’s speaking to his son Shane when they’re interrupted by Armando Alejandro Estrada. AAE tells Daddy and Son that he and Umaga are grateful for receiving the match with Shawn Michaels tonight. Also, on behalf of the Bulldozer, Estrada wishes a heartfelt congrats on the birth of your granddaughter. To show his good will, Mando hands the McMahons each a cigar. Pleased, Daddy Mac says he was on the cover of “Cigar Aficionado.” Shane-o chimes in “Yeah, me too.” (JG Note: When he appeared on Radio Free Insanity, Vince Russo said that the Cigar Aficionado article contributed to his departure. In it, he says Vince gave Shane credit for writing Raw when it was he and Ed Ferrara doing the writing at the time. Just a tidbit I wanted to toss out there. It should also make you realize how long ago that was because back then people actually wanted credit for writing Raw. Nowadays, people don’t even want others to know they watch it.) Vinnie asks Estrada if he has any more Cuban cigars. Why, of course he does. There’s three cases in the car. Army will go get ‘em for ya. Segment closes with Vin asking his son if he has a light and having his cigar taken away. Shane-o says “You don’t smoke anymore.” Vinnie cryptically responds, “I used to.” Ironically enough, that’s exactly the same thing Rob Van Dam is going to have to start saying to people.

Commercial Break. “Oh my God! Pete! What happened to your head!?” Gatorade, man. My head is huge now. I saw the commercials, bro, but I didn’t listen. I just didn’t listen.

Welcome back. We’re in dirty Jersey, baby, and still to come is Jamala against DX’s HBK. But moments ago, we were all shocked and appalled over the shocking and appalling behavior of one Randy Orton. He shockingly slapped Jerry Lawler and appalled Jim Ross. The King gets a chance to speak on the subject and lets the brash youngster have it. Next Monday, Raw’s coming to Memphis. You know what’s gonna happen there? The King is going to extract some revenge on you. Oh yeah, kiddo. He’s gonna Rule Your Ass!

Erica of The Diva Search chooses Rebecca as her choice to go home because she got a contract with another company this year.   Erica doesn’t feel like Becca would be able to give WWE 100% if she’s chosen. Basically, Erica should have just said, “I choose Rebecca because she got another contract with another company and I’m a hater.”

2) Special Referee Torrie Wilson: Trish Stratus and Candice Michelle defeated Mickie James and Victoria when Trish pinned Mickie

Jim Ross thinks that this match will be the most Tivoed match by “WNBA fans and Rosie O’Donell herself, not that there‘s anything wrong with that.” (JG Note: I love how ever since the Seinfeld episode people can use the term “not that there’s anything wrong with that” instead of “because he/she/you/it is super gay.” It’s like a big loophole to be Un-PC without being caught. “Hey man, you like looking at that guy’s ass? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Instead of saying, “Hey man, you like looking at that guy’s ass…because you’re a fruity-booty pillow-biter extraordinaire.” The Seinfeld version seems to cause less conflict.) This match got a pretty good reaction from the crowd and deservedly so. It was one of the better outings for all the women involved and helped to spark the seeds for Mickie-Torrie. Unfortunately, the ending was completely botched and Stratus ended up hitting a terrible looking springboard bulldog. Three seconds later, Trisha and Candice get another victory and move up the ladder in the WWE Raw Diva Division It’s not so impressive though when you realize that the ladder only has four rungs.

Backstage, Mick Foley is hanging out with his friends Melina and Johnny Nitro. Mick asks Johnny if it would be cool for Mel to come out to the ring, grab the stick, and give Foley the oral excitement he deserves. That’s right. He wants her to get the crowd jumping with her words and introduce Mankind to the screaming masses. Johnny agrees. After all, he says they’re all “friends.” As his woman walks away, Nyquil tells her to “keep it sexy.”

Commercial Break. The new Final Destination 3 DVD allows you to change the fates of characters in the movie by making decisions for them. It’s like Choose Your Own Adventure books, only without all that pesky reading.

Milena of The Diva Search chooses Erica. She takes so much time explaining why that she almost runs out of time before she can say the name.

“OK. I would like to introduce to you a good friend of mine and the one and only hardcore legend, Mick Foley!”
           - Melina, 9:59pm

Jim Ross pays tribute to Gordon Solie and does his best impression of the Dean saying that Foley has become “a strange enigma.” (JG Note: Yeah. I can see that. Although, I always thought the best way to describe Mick was like Charles Manson with a glandular disorder.)  Foley thanks his awkward reference for her introduction and then informs the capacity crowd that he’ll be giving them exactly what they want. It’s going to be Mick Foley and Ric Flair in this very ring tonight! Yup. Right here in New Joisey! Slick Ric and Slick Mick will be joining forces in order to capture tag team gold! The audience goes quiet and Mankind knows what’s up. People are leery over a RicMick Tag Team. Well, leer not, unwashed masses. Captain Jack’ll get you by tonight. Nothing to worry about at all. You see, Dude Love and The Nature Boy have something common. Naitch took Randy Orton under his wing a few years ago and helped his career. Then, a few months ago, Cactus took Melina under his wing and helped her career. It’s the same exact thing. (Randy Orton Note: Ric and I were just friends! That’s it! Friends. We didn’t do anything weird…Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) From there, we do some namedropping

“Ric Flair and I both have famous friends too. I don’t know if you knew this or not but Ric Flair is a personal friend of the President of the United States. While I am a personal friend of hardcore porn icon Christy Canyon. Christy got a better hand than the President. Now Melina, one of our friends made it to the top by screwing an awful lot of people. And the other one appeared in adult films.”
- Mick Foley, 10:01pm

From there, Foley compares his national headlines to Flair’s. He’s been interviewed by Katie Couric. What did Ric do? He got press for his embarrassing road rage incident. That cues the Nature Boy and just as the “Whooo” plays over the speakers, Jim Ross notes that Ric was exonerated of the road rage charges.

Music playing, The Dirtiest Player in the Game hits the scene and shuts Mick up. As he removes his suit jacket, Slick Ric tells his furry foe that he’s waited six weeks for this moment. Is it real? Are you really here tonight, Foley? Are you Mick Foley? Yes you’re the real Foley. All the other Mick Foleys are just rolley poley. So will the real Mick Foley please stand up? No need to ask twice. He already is. The Real Mick Foley is right here in the ring with the Nature Boy and it’s about to jump awf. Time for Naitch to go off his rocker. How does it work? What are the step in Flair's process of going off his rocker?  They go like this:

1. Turn Red.

2. Repeat opponents name over and over. In this case, “Hardcore Mick Foley? Cactus Jack Mick Foley?” (Other examples: Dusty! Dusty! - Luger! Luger! - Sting! Sting! - And so on.)

3. Walk briskly across the ring.

4. Fall on a body part. In this case - face. (Other examples: Elbow, back of head, stomach, knees)

5. Get right back up and run up to opponent.

After getting up and running over to Mick, Flair tells him to “get over it.” It’s not about a book! No one gives a damn about a book! They’re booing A-Rod in New York and they’re gonna be booing you too, Bugaboo, because you’re lazier than A-Rod. From there, Ric goes from off the rocker to “Holy Crap. Don’t change the channel, this man might have a heart attack” mode.

The sweat machine kicks in and now the former Horsemen does his patented bounce of the ropes. He rebounds off, lets out a censored “goddamn,” and exclaims that now he’s “warmed up. (JG Note: All that’s left at this point is for him to take off his trousers and handcuff himself to the ring.) Flair pants through the next few sentences as he confronts the disrespectful sock puppeteer on his allegation that Ric fought “imaginary bad-asses.”

“Imaginary bad-asses? Bruiser Brody , where are you today? Stan Hansen in Denver, Colorado. Stan, he’s calling you imaginary. Harley Race. Terry Funk. The list goes on! Imaginary bad-asses? Imaginary? Those guys would walk over you on the way to the bathroom and you wouldn’t open you mouth for one second.”
- Ric Flair, 10:05pm

(JG Note: In all fairness to Mick, if Harley Race was stepping over me and had to go to the bathroom, I doubt I’d open my mouth either. I mean, God knows why he’d want you to open your mouth for him. Creepy.) After turning three shades brighter, Sweatface McFlairstein screams for the taste of Mankind’s blood. He again throws himself on the ground and invites any one of Mick’s characters to come and fight him.

“Whoever you want to be that day. Bring out socko out there and I’ll shove him up your ass!”
               - Ric Flair, 10:06pm

Bright Red Ric calls to the audience for their applause and asks for their ovations for a Flair-Foley Hardcore rematch. The former Evolution member seems to be halfway to the nuthouse as he rolls around in the ring and begs for a hardcore opportunity. He tells The Mickster that he wants it. He wants to take on the Hardcore Icon in his own environment. Then, he turns his attention to the Diva in waiting.

You see, there’s another thing that pisses off R.F. about Dude Love. He talks about his wife and four kids at home, yet he’s running around with Melina. According to Naitch, she’s the type of Diva that should jump on Space Mountain. When Mel acts disgusted, Flair gyrates his hips and says “15 years ago all night long! You would have been space-mountainized.” (JG Note: 15 years ago, Melina was 12.  Ew.) Mick says that’s the difference between he and Nature. While Slick Ric sees a one-night-stand when he looks at Lina, Mickey sees a good person. Yeah. That’s it. Not only that, but Mankind will be damned if he takes family advice from a three time husband and a two time absentee father. Booyah, bee-otch. Chew on that and wash it down with some Strawberry Kwick. Bam!

You’d think this segment would be over by now, right? Nope. Instead, it’s hitting a new direction. Flair takes offense to Foley’s unfair use of the truth and is told to relax. Mr. Socko’s Dad realizes he made a mistake. He went too far. Now look, man. Things have been strained between you two since your book came out. Then there was that lovely, romantic plane ride from Manilla when you and Foley ended up sitting next to each other. How you two laughed! How you talked! How you kissed! It was a magic night and, although you don’t agree on much, you agree on family. Mick says he’s “shooting” when he compliments Ric’s love of his children. Deep down, Foley knows that you have a different relationship with your children. It’s one that Cactus will never know. It’s the moment when you call your kids and say:

“Kids, your dad’s just been arrested.”

Punch.

Well, no kidding. If that didn’t get him popped, nothing will. The Arrested Dad knocks Mick from the ring and we all expect the segment to end now. Again, no. It goes on. It’s like a cross between Freddy Krueger and the Energizer Bunny. Cue the freakin’ Coach.

John Coachman walks out to his unrecognizable new music and informs both Bright Red Ric and Hairy Scary Foley that they have a match set soon. Mr. McMahon has ordered Flair-Foley for Summerslam! You’d think everyone would be happy? Nope. Mick tells the “arrogant son-of-a-bitch” to tell Vinnie to read Dude Love’s contract. He fights who he wants, when he wants. Cac-Boy says that he’s not willing to waste one of his matches on a “washed up” has-been like Ric Flair. As the crowd boos, Jack gives them a sarcastic “Have a Nice day!” You think the segment would be over now, right? Well, it is.

Still to come: Tattoo Face With The Rudy Huxtable Hair faces Shawn Michaels in his leather chaps…not that there’s anything wrong with that. But next, Dean Douglas takes on Malibu’s Most Wanted.

Commercial Break. I wish Little Richard would narrate my conversations. That would be awesome.

Milena of The Diva Search chooses no one. She also says that the fans did a great job choosing “Christy and Ashley.” I guess she didn’t get the memo. Not only did she not name someone she thinks should leave (the only thing she was asked to do) but she mentioned the host of TNA Global Impact who was fired rather suddenly. She should have also tried to mention Ultimate Warrior, Nailz, Wendy Richter, and Chyna while she was at it.

First one out is Matt Striker and he’s billed as “the Social Studies teacher direct from Cordova High School in New York City.” For some reason, the Social Studies teacher is doing English class tonight as he calls out John Cena for using a word that isn’t in the dictionary - homies. Nope. Total hogwash. He made it up. What a fraud! Next thing you’ll be telling me is that cheap sauce isn’t a real sauce!

3) John Cena defeated Matt Striker via STFU Submission

Edge and Lita come out at the start of the match and take a seat at their “Rated R Announce Table.“ J.R. talks about the Summerslam match for the WWE Title and mentions the stipulation that if Adam Copeland gets DQed, he’ll lose his belt. (JG Note: Meh. I don’t know. I was never a big fan of this stipulation when there’s a baby face challenger. It makes him seem like a punk. Why would he need that stip? Why not just fight Edge in a no-DQ match? It works the other way around. If Cena was a heel, it would work. When Hogan did it in his house show matches with Paul Orndorff, it worked. Why? Because you thought to yourself, “Paul Orndorff is an evil villain. Of course he’d like to win the WWF title, even if it’s not a legitimate pinfall.” In the case of John, you’d hope that the good guy would want to win the belt in the most convincing fashion. Capturing the top strap in on Raw off of a stupid disqualification stipulation isn’t heroic, it’s cowardly. That’s just how it comes off.) Copeland talks mad trash throughout the short contest and lets out a “damnit” upon Dr. Thuggy’s tap out victory over Mean Street Matt Striker.

Commercial Break. It’s Dog Whisperer Week on National Geographic. Tssst!

Kenny! Mikey! Jase! Howie! Chicken George!

It’s the Sprit Squad and, if the Raw Rewind Weekly Foreshadowing has taught us anything, the Highlanders are fixing to come on out and face one of them. Thanks to the prematch cheer, we learn that it’s Johnny who will be taking on Rory. Splendid.

4) Rory Macalister defeated Spirit Squad Johnny with an inside cradle.

With each passing week, I hate the tag team division a little bit more. It’s just depressing at this point. At least Smackdown has promise here and there. With Raw, what you see is what you get. It’s these two teams and Hass/Viscera. Other than that, the field is wide open. All three teams can be pretty much viewed as novelty acts and have overwhelming gimmicks that detract from their matches. I’m counting the days until they splinter off the S.S. and allow certain guys to shine on their own. I’m doing the same thing a Highlander heel turn. These two would be great savages. They look like Vikings but are booked like Bushwhackers. It’s just a wasted opportunity to get over some real evil brutes in favor of introducing another comedy gimmick. They can still dress the same and talk the same. They just need to be animals in the ring. Regardless of whether they should be good or bad, Rory and Robbie are on an upswing. Seemingly out of nowhere, Baldie Rory trapped John in an unexpected cradle and scored himself a pinfall. In the crowd, a guy had a sign that said, “Real Men Wear Skirts.” Uh…no they don’t.

J.T. of The Diva Search chooses Erica too. She feels that Erica might be too worried about her looks to step into the ring. After J.T.’s vote, Lawler asks Jim Ross who he voted for. J.R. replies, “I can’t tell you.” Maybe that's because he didn’t vote. Don't worry.  I didn’t vote either. If for no other reason than because Mike the Miz wants me to.

Hoorah! Hoochie Train, Hoorah! Let me hear you say Hoorah! Mac Daddy make you Hoorah! Daddy Mac’ll make ya Hoorah! Uh huh. Uh huh. Mike the Mizerable is here to make us cry and announce the weekly WWE Diva Search castoff. Who will it be? Why it’s the one and only Rebecca. You might know her from such things as The Raw Diva Search and, of course, the Raw Diva Search. Sorry, Becca. You’re bounced. Now, as Bobby Heenan would say, hit the bricks, toots.

Becky takes her cleavage and goes home. Meanwhile the remaining Meat dance around and thank the audience for their votes. Mizanin recites the voting instructions that he massacred in week one and urges me to vote for my favorite girl. Again, since he wants me to, I’m not going to. I don’t know why, but this character is just the most annoying thing since heel Coachman on commentary. I think the hair is the icing on the cake. After all the ridiculousness of his “hoorah” and awkward delivery, you have the hair. Ta-da.  Complete.

This past Tuesday, WWE held a fan rally for WrestleMania 23. They did a really good package here and it gave off that RassleMania feel. The best part of it all? Only in WWE could there be a press conference where most guys where suits, one guy wears a crown and cape, and Batista wears a wife beater.

Fake cop time. This week, the fake cops look like they’re 14 years old and deliver their lines like robots. It appears that the fake police got a call about some stolen goods in your possession. Once the search commences, it all comes out. A box of - dum, dum, dum - Cuban Cigars pop up in Triple H’s bag. Helmsley scoffs at the charges, saying that he doesn’t even smoke. Whatever, Fuzzface. The TV cops don’t care what you have to say. They just know that you need to get to steppin’ downtown. They have some fake questions to ask you. Trips obliges and walks from the room with his escorts. Once in the hallway, Hunt is confronted by Vince and Shane McMahon. They smile as they watch the new daddy taken away. As soon as the phony 5.0 departs, Big Mac and his boy pull out their own Cuban Cigars and grin, content with the damage they had done.

Commercial Break. Skittles has Bubble Gum. Taste the Rainbow. Blow the Rainbow.

Next week: Jerry Lawler vs. Randy Orton.

5) Umaga pinned Shawn Michaels after the Samoan Spike.

Once the match got underway, both Shane and Vince emerged. They joined Armando at ringside and watched as HBK and the Bulldozer did their thing. It wasn’t anything too special, but told the story it was meant to tell. Interference was abound by both McMahons and Umaga’s manger, Estrada. At some points, the Boy Toy was able to counteract, like when Maga accidentally hit Mando. At others, he wasn’t, like the finish of the match. With Umy all but out of it, Michaels started to tune up his foot for the Chin Music. Mr. McMahon reaches in and grabs the untuned foot and gets punched in the head for it. J.R. inserts a pop culture reference at this point and says that Vince McMahon needs to see “Dr. Melfi on the Sopranos.” In the ring, Shane-o attacks but ends up getting beat up. All looked bright for DeGeneration Shawn as he knocked down the boss’s son and did his patented kip-up. However, the Samoan Bulldozed over him as soon as he made it to his feet. The last thing he saw was that thumb.

After the bell, Vince McMahon grabbed Shawn Michaels and bent him over the middle turnbuckle. It looked like he was humping him from behind…not that there’s anything wrong with that. Then, just to make the scene even more bizarre, Vinnie breaks free from his doggy-style grip and steps back from Shawn’s bent over body. While his son Shane holds The Boy Toy in the prison position, The Genetic Jackhammer begins to remove his belt.

Oh no, he di’in’t.

Thankfully for us, Vinnie Mac is in a whipping mood, not a bonin’ mood. He tears into Michaels with his belt and then chokes him with it. Son Shane gets his dad a chair from ringside and joins him in pummeling his brother-in-law’s buddy. After softening up the Heartbreak Kid with the chair, Vince held it front of his face while Little Mac prepared his foot for some of his own Sweet Chin Music. After the proper tapping, Shane-o ran in and landed the kick right into the chair, smashing into Shawn’s face.

Then, as Shane turned, the chair fell and hit him upside the head. It was pretty funny.

As Michaels laid upon the ground, VKM leaned in close and informed him that next week, Triple H will face Umaga. No one heard it but Shawn and the cameraman.  It probably would have gotten a good pop if they did it on the house microphone, but why get the crowd excited? What’s the big deal anyway? They don’t always have to be happy, right? Screw ‘em.

The owner and his son pose over Shawn Michaels as we fade to black.

All in all…If you liked wrestling, you probably weren’t too happy tonight.

It seemed like everyone had something to say and everyone was saying it. The Foley-Flair segment, while good, was still just more of the same. There’s been no forward momentum and it all seems to be the same arguments each week. While I thought this week’s segment was one of the better ones, it still doesn’t change the fact that it wasn’t necessarily needed. Considering all the other interview time these two have had, it’s just getting to be overkill. That being said, I still think this feud is coming off strangely with Foley as the heel. Flair’s “Space Mountain” comment was greeted with boos all around. Why? Because it’s a heelish thing to say. The guy is wrestling’s classic heel and Foley is wrestling’s hairy teddy bear. It just doesn’t seem natural to book it the way it is.

The Orton Knows Best thing was bad too. It was good for the first few minutes. Then it took a sharp downturn. The big thing I can’t stand in wrestling is the impersonator syndrome. It goes like this:

Wrestler hires someone to parody his opponent. Wrestler invites impersonator out. Impersonator makes fun of wrestler’s opponent. Wrestler beats up impersonator. Wrestler expects heat.

Why? Why would the crowd boo you for beating up someone who’s making fun of their hero? I don’t get it. Don’t tell me that it’s because the person “symbolizes their hero” because that makes no sense at all. If the impersonator is “symbolizing” them, then they wouldn’t make fun of them.

It’s not new. They did this in 1994 when Roddy Piper fought Jerry Lawler at King of the Ring. Lawler hired a guy to impersonate Piper and then beat him up. At the pay-per-view, Roddy invited the kid to ringside for him because he felt bad about how Lawler had treated him. It made absolutely no sense. No mention of how the kid had said that Piper’s family should star in “Hell Comes To Dogtown.” Nope. Nothing. It seems that impersonators in wrestling are immune to any logic at all. They exist on their own logic level. One that we can’t understand. It’s friggin’ cosmic.

Who else talked? Matt Striker talked. There’s nothing worse than a jobber with prematch mic time. Simon Dean is another example. If you’re winning matches, you should do prematch spiels. If you’re losing weekly, you’re just wasting time by talking. Fans tune you out and you don’t get “heat” for it. You get snoring for it. They need to put Striker into a tag team quick. He’s got the TV time and the skills, if you pair him right with another midcard guy, you could create something worth pushing.

The Umaga push continues and the ending of tonight’s show was a great moment in his career. Glad to see it and hopefully this will be a main eventer that truly stands out from the pack.

Altogether, there was very little wrestling tonight. Keep in mind, I’m not one of those people who cries out for more ring time. Far from it. I enjoy the promos and the skits as much as anyone else.  But all things need to be kept balanced. Unfortunately, tonight was really lopsided in terms of wrestling vs. speaking. It was really noticeable and at times I just got tired of hearing people talk. It became monotonous.

Well that’s it for me here. Be sure to check out this week’s Radio Free Insanity with Nora Greenwald. The former Molly talks about so many topics spanning from her days in WCW to her time in WWE. Also, this Saturday, prepare for one of the hardest hitting shoots we've ever had on Radio Free Insanity.  It's a rare appearance by someone who doesn't mince words.  You can find out who it is by listening to this week's show or by checking back to the site on Wednesday. You don't want to miss this. Be sure to check back.