Something tells me that they tipped the waiter a giant chicken with a note that says, “You like this - ha ha.” Anyway, no more about Fridays. Why? Cause it’s Monday and that can only mean one thing - Prison Break on FOX. Well, ok. It means more than one thing because we also have a ‘rasslin’ show on the USA Network. What can we expect from tonight’s episode? Will the Legend Jobber finally get to take down a well-known name following his loss to Hulk Hogan last night or can Ric Flair hold back the young Orton from doing any damage to his legacy? Is Mick Foley in for a surprise now that he’s disappointed all of his supporters by losing to Flair? Will Melina, Vince McMahon, and his sock puppet forgive him? How about the return of Jeff Hardy? Will he show up? Will he fall down? Will he color his face with Clowny crayons? Does John Cena have some revenge in store for the R-Rated World Champion Edge following their epic encounter last night? Finally, what is on the DeGeneration X agenda now that they’ve eaten up a number of mid carders? Do the boys in green have something planned for the show? There’s only one way to find out. Lick your chicken fingers, stroke your sledgehammers, and tune into Raw. Because for the thousands in attendance and the 113 people tuning in at home, it’s time for Raw, so let’s get ready to waaaaaaaatch it!

Recap of SummerSlam. The full show costs $40 and runs about three hours. The recap they showed on Raw was about one minute. So, if you saw it, you owe Vince McMahon 22 cents. He will be awaiting your check.

Katie bar the door! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are kicking it live from Bridgeport, Connecticut and all hell’s about to break loose up in this mutha. What’s on the agenda? What’chu think? The WWE Champ is.

It’s a chorus of boos for the R-Rated Superstar Edge as he enters the ring and he knows why. You all wanted him to arrive in Connecticut as an ex-champ, didn’t ya? Huh? Admit it. Well you were wrong! All of you! Copeland jumps down to ringside and begins pointing at fans and saying, “Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!” It was pretty funny actually. Now, the WWE Champeen knows what you’re all wondering. Where’s Lita…and where’s the WWE Title? Titantron…do your thing!

Lita appears on the big screen and she’s literally busting out of her top. She has the Cena Spinny title in her hands as she stands...on a bridge. Do the math, Colombo. Bridge+Belt=Splashy. Stone Cold Amy Dumas does the bidding of her boyfriend and gives the Championship a burial at sea. With a mighty throw, she chucks the belt into the Long Island Sound and, like that, - poof - it’s gone.

What will become of Adam’s title, though? What will he use to show he’s a champ? Never fear. Edgar Cage has a plan. Like David Copperfield (JG Note: The magician, not the book.), Mr. R summons smoke from the ceiling. It rains down upon him in a straight line - almost like a supersoaker of smoke. When the smoke clears, so to speak, a title is hanging from above.

The new title spins like the old one, only now it bares the emblem of the R-Rated Superstar. Nice touch. It seemed like a truly historic moment and a good step for WWE, although changing the title for each new champ might get expensive. (Triple H Note: Maybe we should just get the Sledgehammer one made and leave it at that.)

So there you go. Just as Edge promised, his story now has a happy ending. He ain’t talking about a massage parlor special, Avril Lavigne song or Friendly’s dessert either. This happy ending involved The R-Rated Superstar and the brand new title in his possession. Now if there’s anyone in the back that has something to say, he should paint his face and get out here now!

Hey man, you want some of my French Onion soup?

Uh…no thanks.

Yup. That’s right. It’s the return of the “Charismatic Enigma” Jeff Hardy. His face isn’t painted tonight because, well, I guess they wanted him to look somewhat normal for a while before he goes off the deep end again. The announcers aren’t nearly as shocked as Edge is by seeing this Hardy Boy live and in living color. What did he have to say about? Tell ‘em, Copeland.

“What the hell are you doing here, Jeff Hardy?! Didn’t you die like three years ago?! Don’t tell me. Don’t tell me that you’re gonna make your comeback at my expense! ‘Cause if you think that, you’re like all these people, you’re wrong! Jeff, learn a lesson from your older, your older brother. See I ruined his career just like I ruined yours because he’s talented…no, no. As a matter of fact, he’s a no talented loser just like you!”
        - Edge, 9:09pm

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-Dooooyyyyyyyyysh!

Hardy lands a solid shot to the mush and sends the World Champion running. With Adam down and out, Jeff scaled the turnbuckles and prepared to hit the Swanton Bomb. To the displeasure of the crowd, Edgy rolled out of the ring before he could fly. The arrogant titleholder scurries off while the returning Hardy watches from the ring.

J.R. and J.L. are both Coo-coo for Hardypants. The high flier is back, but he’s just one of many items on tonight’s agenda. Johnny Nitro defends his Intercontinental Title against the Big Red Machine Kane. Will the monster force Melina to have sex with him? Maybe. Stay tuned. Also, Randy Orton tries to kill the legend of Ric Flair. With the Legend Killers legendary loss last night, what’s in store for the Nature Boy? Then, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s the first look at “The Marine” - a new movie starring the massively popular John Cena. Cena plays the lead character - “Rip.”

Commercial Break. The Vince McMahon DVD arrives tomorrow. It’s going to kick your DVD player’s ass.

1) Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Eugene, and The Highlanders defeated the Spirit Squad when Rory pinned Mikey

It always amazes me how some matches can have so many people yet mean so little.  Oh hey - quick question.  Remember when Eugene was first introduced and they kept talking about how he’d be heroic and not just a comedy character? Yeah. Me too. So it goes. So it goes for the Spirit Squad too. With all hell breaking loose, the Squaders found themselves the victim of a double slingshot backsuplex care of the Highwhackers. Three seconds later and we have another drop down the ladder for the Green World Order. Give me an L! Give me an O! Give me an S! Give me another S! What’s it spell? The tag team champions.

Backstage, John Coachman is pumping some iron…er, uh, pulling some bows. He’s on the Bowflex, trying to bulk up. Why? Well he’s been inspired by the new Vince McMahon DVD. John hopes to achieve the mass that Vinnie Mac has. Edge, though, has other ideas. How about instead of working out, you work this out, Coach? How about if you sign a match between the WWE Champion…and Jeff Hardy tonight? Huh? Make it happen! Coach asks if the title will be on the line and Copeland gives him a big fat N-O on that one. Just make a match, Montel. No title. Just wrestling. Make it a reality. J.C. agrees and Brood Boy has his wish. After the Champ leaves, the Assistant G.M. continues his exercises until…

The boss shows up. Vince and Shane McMahon come marching in and they don’t look happy. What the hell are you doing, Coach?! Where’s DX?! Find them. Do something!  Anything!  Just move it! Move it! Get the hell out of here and go make sure things are running smoothly!

When John leaves, Vince turns to his son and, literally, growls the following statement:

“God I feel gnarly tonight! Gnarly!”
           - Vince McMahon, 9:24pm

Really bizarre. The gist is that DX isn’t off of Big Mac’s radar. Yup. The gnarly dude is gonna take them down. Gnarly, Vince. Radical. Like, gag me with a spoon.

Commercial Break. For those of you interested, while I was poking around Amazon.com, I saw the upcoming Brian Pillman DVD. It’s the first WWE DVD I’ve looked forward to in a while. Hopefully I won’t have to change my tune after I see it.

Todd Grisham is scheduled to interview The Diva Legend Killer Randy Orton. Hey Ort, you promised a win last night. That didn’t happen, though. What the eff, man? Why did you bitch out and take the pin? Randy isn’t pleased with the line of questioning. Before he can answer, though, he’s stopped short by a grinning spectator. Carlito smiles from the sidelines and, after being called about by Randall, walks up to him. (JG Note: Even with the four foot afro, Carly still only came up to Orton’s nose. He really looked like a midget. If he was bald, he could be one of the old Juniors on Smackdown. They could team him up with Super Porky. One could eat pork. The other could eat apples. Oh, and they could fight crime…in the future. Yeah. Money. That’s money.) When Coolio finally spoke, he laid it all on the line. No one cares if you got cheated, punk. The only thing that was cool was Hulk Hogan standing tall in victory. To this, Mr. R.K.O. responds with the third quotable line in the first 30 minutes of Raw.

“That was cool, huh? At least I was on Summerslam. Where were you at? Watching in the back? Man, you’re nothing, Carlito. You’re an apple. A silly T-shirt. A catchphrase. A silly haircut. You’re talking to a former World Champion and a certified Legend Killer. Next time you decide to interrupt me during an interview, I demand you show me a little bit of respect.”
                  - Randy Orton, 9:30pm

Ouch. It would have been awesome if Carlito just turned to him and said, “Oh yeah? You’re an apple. No. No. You are. You‘re the apple.” As Cowboy Bob’s kid rides off into the sunset, The Caribbean Coolio watches and takes a bite of his apple. If this segment wasn’t foreshadowing for Orton getting apples spit all over his face in the next few weeks, then nothing is.

Triple H reads magazine. He’s perusing one at a desk when the cameraman surprises him. Since The King of Kings is one of the select few who can see camera people, he immediately jumps into silly-goat mode and does his mock announcer voice. The Game runs down last night’s list of foes sent out to destroy both he and his Heartbreak Friend. Among the things he listed were cheerleaders, a leprechaun, and “a limey.” (JG Note: Apparently he only wants to be a baby face in North America.) He says that they overcame it all and defeated Vince McMahon at Summerslam. That’s right. It was the summer’s biggest party and DeGeneration X ruled the roost. He then tells the tale of driving to Raw from the PPV, only to see Vince’s plane flying overhead with, what I can only assume is super-sight.

While the Game jabbers on, Vinnie Mac and Shane watch him from a monitor and witness as Shawn Michaels flies a toy plane, stages a mock crash, and then gyrates all over Hunter’s desk. Weird stuff.  After the seizure, Game boy brings us up to speed. Seems DX went to pay a visit to VKM’s plane. After one more bizarre Boy Toy flailing incident, we roll the video tape.

Video of: Helmsley and Shawn exiting The McAirplane. On the way out, Michaels puts his hands on it in a way that “might chip the paint.” Hunter warns him against doing that, explaining that a paintjob is mad expensive on a ride like this! Then - the punch line - the camera pulls back to reveal what they are really talking about. The entire side of the plane has been spray painted with the letters “DX.” Oh. Ho ho ho. That never gets old.

Spray-paint make Vince ANGRY! VINCE…MAD! Big Mac turns bright red, howls like a wounded hyena, and slams his expensive video monitor to the floor. The DeGenerate-McFamily battle rages on. Looks like this feud is going to continue, folks. Splendid. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go and hold my head underwater for a while.

Commercial Break. Next week, Raw’s on Sci-Fi. Be sure not to miss it…unless, of course, that’s your plan. In which case, enjoy your Monday.

Before the following match, Jim Ross warns his announce partner, Jerry Lawler, to keep both his hands on the table. Well, that's a pretty picture.

2) Trish Stratus pinned Victoria after the Stratusfaction.

This one started off with a big slap from the Lady that ain’t none to mess with. Trish responded by going buck. She hammered her former foe with reckless abandon and seemed to have the whole thing sewn up early. Not the case, though. Miss Vickie fought back and ended up with the upper hand for a while until a reversed backbreaker landed her flat on the mat. After some more back and forth, Victoria ended up getting nailed with the Stratusfaction and pinned for the 1,2,3. Congratulations, Trish. What better way to celebrate than with the nutball who made you speak Dog-ese? Cue the chairman! Woof woof!

I tell ya, Shane. I feel really gnarly tonight.

Yes! Horny! That’s it. Oh no. What did I say? Gnarly? Oh crap!

Vince McMahon comes running out to the ring as if it were a Tajiri-Rhyno house show match. With his son Shane by his side, Daddy Mac took the microphone and confronted the excited crowd. Are all of you people happy with what DX did to the McPlane? Huh? Are you? Well that’s just grand. You encourage that type of behavior. Yup. You know what else? DeGeneration X sucks big chicken. Yeah, that's right. Now if you’re all ready for some real entertainment, just sit back. Buckle your safety belts and watch the Titantron. Because after this commercial, we’re going to watch DX get arrested…again.

Commercial Break. I can’t pay attention. I’m too worried about DX.

We’re back and into part 2 of the DX-McMahon conflict. Vince gives the cue line and says “We’ve waited long enough.” The video kicks in from Bridgeport Airport and we witness Triple H and Shaw Michaels in their naked troll doll shirts. The Game tells his dad-in-law that “we’re here and you’re there.” Where’s “here?” Why, it’s on top of Titan Tower, just a hop, skip, and a bump away from the arena. Why are they there?  Well, the duo explain it by going into a lecture on famous pioneers and how they "made their mark."   Among the examples given are this one by Trips:

“When the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, they left their mark.”
         - Triple H, 9:51pm

I have no idea what he was going for here. I’m not sure if the joke was supposed to be a ha-ha because Japan bombed Pearl Harbor or what, but it was strange. There’s about a hundred different ways you look at that one. Anyway, here’s the joke. You ready? DeGeneration X left their mark…on Titan Tower! That’s right. The Crotch Chopping Coverboys of 1997 took the liberty of tagging their team logo all across the front of WWE Headquarters. Vin and his kid are shocked over all this. They can’t believe that HBK and HHH would vandalize their offices like that. (JG Note:You would think that the fact that they did it two weeks ago, put pictures on WWE.com, and sent out mobile alerts to all the WWE cell subscribers about it might have tipped them off. I don’t get when they do things like this. You have all week to plan a show. Why do you need to redo things you did already? Isn’t there one creative…ah, to hell with it. I give up.)

Speaking of giving up, Mick Foley gave up to the Dirtiest Player in the Game last night. Will Ric Flair continue his winning ways against “Mr. I’m Going To Get Apple Spit On Me Soon” Randy Orton. Then from there, we have Johnny Thunder defending his Intercontinental Title against Dr. Yankum. But first, it’s The WWE Champion Edge taking on Ring of Honor’s darling - Willow the Wisp.

Commercial Break. I think they should make it mandatory for the Rock to drop at least one People’s Elbow per movie. Like this new football movie, for example. There should be a scene where he tells his players how they can win the big game…then he drops the People’s Elbow on all of them. That would be awesome. We should all start a petition or something.

This week in wrestling history, Smackdown debuted. Hey! I remember that show. Is it still on?

Oh look. It’s Vince and Shane…again. They walk along backstage in a state of shock, muttering “I can’t believe it.” When suddenly, they’re confronted by Mick Foley. Foley tosses out a harmless “Hi, Vince.” Wrong time and place, Mankind. Vinnie ain’t in the greatest of spirits. The chairman steps up to the hardcore icon and calls him out on his recent comments. Didn’t you say that Mr. McMahon could kiss your ass, Mick? Did ya? Hey, didn’t you also call Vinnie a “son of a bitch?” That ya did. Foley accepts the blame for all these things, but backs the Mac Daddy off. Chill, pops. Dude Love is having a bad night himself. You’re not the only one. Look at this giant bandage on his arm. He’s all messed up. Cut him some slack. The Chairman seems to scale back his anger. Tell ya what, Cactus. Your night is about to get a bit better. What if we have you join a club tonight? How about if you join the “Kiss My Ass Club?” The suddenly baby faced Foley takes great offense to this request and stands tall against it until he learns of the consequences. If you refuse, Cacto, then “someone’s going to get fired!” Dum-da-dum-dum!

Jeff Hardy doesn’t glow in the dark as much as he used to. I guess that’s the first thing to go when you get older - glowing ability. Anyway, The Hardly Boy big steps his way to the ring while we revisit the true mean things Edge said about his brother Matt.

3) Jeff Hardy defeated Edge via disqualification

This one started very quickly with a big “Hardy” chant ringing out. I have to say, Jeff looked more “with it” than he has in the past. Is it a fresh outlook for him or just a temporary thing until he gets settled? Who knows. I hope it’s the former. I said it the last time he was here and I’ll say it again. Jeff Hardy has a ton of potential. Sadly, he really gave up a lot of what could have been his. Talk to a lot of young high flying Indy wrestlers and ask them their inspiration for getting into the business. Many would say Jeff. If he had kept up the momentum and not succumb to the pitfalls that he did, he could have been really far up the ladder by now. That’s the past, though. Hopefully tonight was a fresh start for him and he can take it to the next level. Hey, what can I tell ya? I’m trying to be positive. No point in crucifying the guy before he screws up. As for the match, it was pretty good and the crowd played a major role with loud reactions to nearly everything done. The announce team sold the previous relationship between Leets and Jeffrey’s brother, Matt. It all came together to give this match an exciting feel. Things eventually reached what seemed like the climax when the co-star of The Hardy Show landed a Swanton Bomb. However, before he could get the three, Lita grabbed Edge’s foot and pulled him to the outside. Seriously, she hauled off and just jolted him out.  Now that’s an ass-kickin’ type of woman. She ain’t the type of girl you bring home to mom. She’s the type you bring home to dad.

After the referee called for the ring-a-ding, John Cena came running down the aisle (JG Note: Why? To remind us all that McMahons-DX isn’t the only feud that won’t die.) J.C. Marineface rushed right up the R-Rated Superstar and proceeded to beat him about the face, chest, neck, and head as he ran through the crowd. John ended up pounding the Canadian straight into the back of the arena until the WWE Champion scored a reversal and tossed him aside. With Johnny down, Copeland ran out the door, but was still not safe. Dr. Thuggy quickly got to his feet and chased after him. Uh oh. Watch out, Edge. He’s gonna throw doo-doo at you.

Retro Commercial Break Blooper

Back from the break and we’re watching video from four minutes ago. Remember? The fight backstage? No? What’s wrong with you? Tell the truth. You on drugs? Honest. Be honest. You’re not. Come on! Don’t lie to me. You don’t remember what happened four minutes ago! You need help, man. You need to talk to somebody.

Now that we’re all up to speed on the status of Cena-Edge, it’s time to catch up with them again. J.C. and A.C. are going slobber knocker style outside. The R-Rated Spinny Title Guy finds himself violently beaten down by the Regular Spinny Title Guy until Dean Malenko and everybody’s favorite phone call - Johnny Laurinaitis show up and step in. They pull the former Champion away and all appears to be over…

…but it’s not. Like the fight scene from They Live, this one doesn’t end. The brawl rages up and down a nearby pier and, while there’s no word on if it’s pier six, it certainly is a brawl. Then, as predicted by PWInsider.com today, someone took a dive into the Long Island Sound. Who was it? Take a wild guess. The Canadian Bad Guy took a bath while everyone marveled out what they had just seen. Ross and Lawler freaked out as if he had just been shot.

I have to be honest. What’s the big deal? He threw him in the water. So? Children do that. It might have been cool if they fought in the Long Island Sound. But to just throw someone in it - eh. It wasn’t even a huge drop either. It was like three feet above the water’s surface. For some reason, though, it blows Lawler and J.R. away. Fine. I’ll play along then. Ahem…Oooo. Water! That’s thhhhpectacular!

Commercial Break. There’s an anti drunk driving ad that features a guy being pulled over by police. Inside, his car is filled up with a reddish liquid. It’s up to his neck. The catch line is that if you drink and drive, you will get caught. Well…duh. If you get drunk and then pour 50 boxes of red wine into your car, then - yeah - you will get caught. Surprise, surprise, Sherlock.

Backstage, Mick Foley is deep in thought. He’s jolted out of his daydream by the lovely Melina. Melly Mel tells her “friend” that she’s come to thank him for saving her last night. After all, Ric Flair was going to smash her to bits with a bat. You stopped that, man. Thank you. You’re a sweetheart. Say, sweetheart, what are you gonna do about joining Vince McMahon’s Kiss My Butt Brigade tonight? You gonna follow through? Mankind seems torn. He’s unsure about whether or not he can do it, but Lina tells him that she’ll support him in anything he does. She gives him a hug and then runs off to the ring for her boyfriend’s IC title defense. Cactus smiles as he watches her walk away. Why? Because she has more than a nice day, if you know what I mean.

Look, daddy. Teacher says, every time Melina rubs her crotch on the ring apron, an angel gets its wings.

4) Kane defeated Johnny Nitro via disqualification

As this match begins, it becomes clear that Ross and Lawler are loving Raw far more than I am. The King actually says, “Where else can you find a show like this?” (JG Note: Too easy.) There’s nothing all that special about this match aside from Melina’s Nancy Benoit-style screeches. The biggest drawback was the finish actually. Umaga ran in for the DQ. It wasn’t bad because it happened. It was bad because it was so damn predictable. In fact, the entire match just felt like we were all killing time until Maga showed up. When he finally did arrive, it wasn’t that big of a shock.

After the bell, The Samoan Bulldozer pounded the Big Red Machine into oblivion, even nailing him with the dreaded Samoan Spike. His manager, the Doctor of Style Armando Estrada cheered him on as they basked in their apparent victory. Then, like the days of old, Kane-o sat back up. The crowd roared, but so did Umaga. He hammered the monster with numerous shots and finally hit him with the dreaded…Samoan Spike from the Second Turnbuckle!***

Katie Vick’s prom date rolled around and bled from his mouth. Ross wondered if something could have been ruptured inside Kane’s throat. Wow. Imagine if he really did need a voice box now? Wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants? I knew that gimmick was bad karma.

***Flying Thumb Drop

Commercial Break. Raw and ECW return to MSG in New York City on September 11^th. Oh, man. That could be bad on so many levels.

Last Wednesday, Layla won the Raw Diva Search, finally putting it to an end. The real winners here - the fans.

Trailer For: John Cena’s Marine. It looks like it might be scarier than See No Evil. What? Oh….no, no, no. I know it’s not a horror movie. I was talking about the amount of money it’ll make.

Randy Orton is on his way to the ring and he’s getting his twirl on. The Legend Killer spins his way up the ramp and awaits the introduction of Slick Ric.

5) Randy Orton pinned Ric Flair after an RKO

Enough time has passed since the last time that these guys feuded so now it seems fresh. This is the perfect example of why it’s good to mix things up a bit. So often we complain about certain guys fighting each other too many times, but this shows how it doesn’t have to feel stale is it’s approached from a different angle. Last time around, Naitch was playing the Evolutionary heel while the newly baby faced Orton was chasing the World Title. Now it’s how it should be. Flair is the ultimate legend and Randy is the killer of legends. Put them together and you have a natural conflict. The match itself was the best of the night and again proved Ric’s worth, even as he enters the twilight (JG Note: Midnight? Early morning? Next day?) of his career. Even better was Slick Ric showing the world that he’ll lie down when other icons won’t. In a complete 180 from last night, young Randall was crowned the winner after nailing the 16 time champ with an RKO and scoring a rather convincing victory.

Following the official word, Dandy Randy took his yellow and red anger out on the Horseman. He relentlessly tore into the fallen legend and savagely choked away. That’s when his anger came back to bite him in the ass…which seems to be a theme with him. What do I mean? I mean this:

5) Ric Flair defeated Randy Orton via referee’s reversal

Ballsy ref, huh? Not only that, but the genius didn’t even run away after the announcement. He stood there until Randall came running. The jilted Legend Killer was visibly “seething” according the announcers and things didn’t look good for Flair. He struggled to get to his feet, but from behind Orton prepared for another RKO. Just before he could hit it, salvation arrived in the form of…

…Carlito. I guess he’s decided that he wants to save some other people besides Trish, because Carly showed up like a guardian angel and lowered an elbow drop onto the unsuspecting rulebreaker. He eventually sends Mr. RNN from the ring care of a springboard elbow and watches as he trots up the aisle in pain. Cue the Babaloo music. Yeah. Ricky Ricardo…now that’s cool.

Recap of Vince McMahon’s infatuation with making men kiss his buttocks. You can find out more about it on his insane DVD “McMahon” - Due Out Tomorrow…also, you can read about it in World Wrestling Insanity: The Book. Yeah. WWE should really sell them together. You know, like a package deal. That would be great. Viva la Savings!