| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com JG's Raw Insanity
(JG Note: Before anything, I just want to let you all know that we’ll have a MAJOR Site Announcement this Wednesday right here on WorldWrestlingInsanity.com. Not only will we have info on this week’s special Radio Free Insanity guest, but we’ll also have info on…well, you’ll just have to check back. Trust me. You don’t want to miss this.)
BISCHOFF Run Time: 169 Minutes Description: He ruled WCW during it’s most high profile time. Now, for the first time ever, hear his exclusive story the way it was meant to be told…by people who have a huge grudge against him and want nothing more than to see him demeaned. Eric Bischoff’s entire tale of luck, arrogance, and all around douchebaggery is laid out for all to see. Special Features: Clips of Ric Flair attacking Eric backstage “Aging 25 Years In 5” - Featurette on how Eric Bischoff’s deal with Satan for WCW’s Mid ‘90s success cost him his boyish good looks Behind the Scenes at Ernest Miller’s Karate Dojo “My Neighbor, My Friend, My Push” - Thoughts on Eric from Diamond Dallas Page Memories of Eddie - Eric talks about throwing coffee at the man who would one day become “Latino Heat”
WWE’s Greatest Releases Run Time: 220 Minutes
Special Features: Johnny Ace’s List of Inappropriate Times To Call and Fire People Funny Stories From Times That Johnny Ace Called People During Those Inappropriate Times To Fire Them Creative Has Nothing For You and Other Funny Reasons Why Some People Think They Now Have No Job
The Ultimate Dan Puder Collection Run Time: 15 minutes Description: He won the $1,000,000 grand prize of Tough Enough 4. Then he wrestled for like two weeks and we sent him to OVW. Then we let him go. It was fun. We figured we might as well try to make some money off of this kid, so here goes nuttin’. Buy it. All your friends are. Don’t you want to be like all your friends? Special Features: Daniel’s appearance in the Royal Rumble Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate commentary from Mike the Miz) Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate commentary from Vince McMahon) Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate commentary from Joey Styles and Tazz) Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate commentary from Thea Vidal) Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate commentary from Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges) Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate commentary from The One Man Gang) Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate ending) Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate camera angles) Daniel’s fight against Kurt Angle (alternate reality edition***)
*** We play trippy music over it.
Brock Lesnar - Whadda Jerk Running Time: 1 hour. Description: Oh, look at me. I’m Brock Lesnar. I want to play football. Oooo. I’m playing football. Look at my little balls. What little footballs I have. I like to suck on them. Oh boo-hoo. Here comes my butt. Special Features: Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels (Armageddon 2002) The Reunion of DX Trailer for John Cena’s “The Marine” Behind the Scenes at WWE Byte This “Funny Faces” - Montage of WWE Superstars making stupid faces and saying “Hi. I’m Brock Lesnar”
The Ways We Wasted La Resistance Run Time: 200 minutes Description: They made you laugh. They made you cry. They made you wet your pants. It’s the story of everyone’s favorite flag post, La Resistance. Relive the story of how critics and fans hailed this trio as the saviors for Raw’s tag division, only to see them split and then wasted away on Velocity, Heat, and OVW. It’s a side-splitting look at our missteps that lead to the downfall of La Resistance. From tag champs to mid-card tag guys to poorly gimmicked jobbers, it’s a story that everyone will enjoy…except for Rob, Sylvan, and Rene! Special Features: “Dealing With The Third Wheel Status” - An Exclusive Commentary on Rob Conway from Demolition Crush 120 Minutes of Tongue-In-Cheek Jokes About Sylvan’s Sexuality The making of “Con Man” Rob Conway’s leather shorts “I should have beaten up that dog too” - Bob Holly’s Story of Traveling With Rene Dupree Trailer for John Cena’s “The Marine” Alternate Match Commentary From: Frenchie Martin, Rick Martel, The Rougeau Brothers, Pepe Le Pew, Frenchie Davis of American Idol, Mickey Rourke, Jerry Lewis, Jean Paul Levesque, and Frenchface McFrenchiepuss ***
***Todd Grisham speaking in a French Accent
Well, well, well. Break out the Egg Nog and Cookie Crisp, kiddies. It’s time for another episode of everybody’s favorite Science Fiction show…WWE Raw. Can the chairman hold off his DeGenerate aggressors for yet another week or will the son-in-law and his friend continue to write letters on things? Has Carlito gotten under the skin of the Legend Killer? Will Orton attempt to kill him? If so - why? He’s not the fuzzy-haired mid-card killer, is he? Weird. Oh, we’ll also have fallout on Edge and the pooperific John Cena. You can hardly wait. I can tell. Well, strap on your jetpacks, channel your telekinetic abilities, and change the channel with your mind. ‘Cause it’s Monday night, it’ s 9pm, and it’s all sorts of scientifically fictitious up in this beeotch. How does Mr. Sulu like it? He likes it Raw. Video Recap of DeGeneration X doing those wild and crazy things they do. They like to tag things with their logo. Remember back when the N.W.O. were the old guys with spray-paint? Hello. Z100 Radio. Hi. You guys play requests? Sure do. What would you like? Here Comes the Money by the Shane-o Mac Orchestra. Didn’t you call 20 minutes ago? No…uh, that must have been someone else. Mr. McMahon, stop calling here or else I’ll contact the authorities! Here Comes the Money and he’s got a suit on. Shane McMahon enters the ring while Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross tell the story of his family’s feud with DX. Shane-o remarks about the “balls” of Triple H and Shawn Michaels for disgracing the McMahon properties. You boys have gone too far, though. Shane-o Insane-o insists that the final prank of the night was one toke over the line. That’s right. In S.M.'s words, it was when they decided to “rip out the backend of my father”…’s limousine. They didn’t just rip out his backend. They ripped out a piece of his heart. Yes. Vince McMahon is in a state of shock. He couldn’t even celebrate his 61st birthday, for Pete’s sake! All he did was stare at the ceiling and repeat “DX, DX.” (JG Note: They better make sure he wasn’t trying to recite the alphabet or else it might be time to put daddy away.) The fans seem to be aggressive, so Daddy Mac was told to relax for the night. He’s back in the hotel. Relaxing, killing some maids. You know, having a good ol’ time. That means that someone else is in charge tonight. Know who? Shane. That’s who. (JG Note: Wasn't that supposed to be Coachman's job?) General Manager Shane starts making matches right off the bat. First match made - DeGeneration X against…a mystery challenge. The McSon says that both the Dxers and the audience don’t deserve to know who the opponents are. Just chill, kids. By night’s end, you’ll know who their opponents are. You’ll also know their foes for the Unforgiven pay-per-view. Won’t that be fun? Shut up. It will be. At this point, Mean Street Shane-o delivers the “Straight to hell” cue line that seems to signify the entrance of a monster. However, a certain someone has other plans. Spring 1996 Hey man! Randy? Randy Dooley? It’s me! Adam Copeland. Huh? No. No. Sorry. My name is Bill Davis. I think you have mistaken with someone else. Sorry, man. It’s just that… I know. You think you know me. Yeah, I…hey. I like that. Can I use it? You think you know Edge and you might. He’s the WWE Champion and he’s not in the best of spirits. With Kevin Kelly’s favorite diva, Lita, by his side, Copeland approaches the acting boss. Listen up, tiny dancer, you need to make things right. Last week, John Cena, he…well, he…roll it! Video of John Cena doing very bad things to Edge. Edge isn’t happy. He isn’t happy to be tossed into the “dirty, disgusting Long Island Sound!” So here’s the deal, Junior. You’re going to give the WWE Champion what he wants. You’re gonna give him John Cena! Ask no further, Champ. The former Champ is here! John Cena arrives and Jim Ross calls him “arguably the #1 contender.” As he approaches the ring, J.R. talks about the volatility of the situation. He ain’t fooling. J.C. gets right up in Edge’s face and tells him that every week Raw seems to end with a happy ending for the WWE Champion. No, Canadian Dry, Johnny doesn’t mean “the happy endings you got from Miss Skanksalot." They "don’t count...because she gives them to everybody.” Cena then tries to a do a mini-standup act about Shane McMahon getting a hand job from Lita. (JG Note: It was like when the Rock does it, except that people cheer when the Rock does it.) That’s all fun and games, though. Let’s talk about real life, Champ. “You want me gone? Fine. Here’s your ticket. This right here is a three year contract straight off the desk of Teddy Long on Smackdown. I got no problem signing it. I just need one thing from you. And that’s one more match. You and me for the WWE title. You win…you win, if you beat me, I sign on the dotted line -no questions asked - and I’m out of your life. You can own Monday night. Rated R could stand for Raw. You could be the greatest champion that ever lived.” Both Shane McMahon and Edge look over the contract and verify it’s authenticity. After a pause, Copeland agrees and then insists on two stipulations. 1. “I name where the match takes place and it sure as hell won’t be in this dump.” 2. “I name what kind of match it is.” The feuding parties both agree and it’s a deal. The Doctor of Thuganomics starts to leave, but he’s summoned back. Shane McMahon tells him to learn some respect and get back in the ring. You see, Thuggo, you need to learn respect for the WWE Champion. You don’t run around throwing the champion in the Long Island Sound! Just for that, you have a match. It’s next and it’s against…
...drumroll...
....Chris Masters, who is now half the size he was before. Jerry Lawler summed it all up: “Back and check him out. Cleaner and, look at that new look, meaner.” 1) John Cena defeated Chris Masters via disqualification Masters looks like someone left him in the washing machine too long. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not his size, it’s just the drastic difference. He’s still in great shape and we all will probably be used to this in a few weeks, but until then, wow. Good for him, though. The Masterpiece gimmick might need to be scrapped though. I mean, he can call himself that, but the prematch posing is a bit bizarre. He’s still a well conditioned guy, but he’s not the bodybuilder type anymore. There’s plenty of other things they could do with him, though. I’m sure someone in his position would want to prove more now that he’s lost so much mass. I mean, now he can show he wasn't just a meathead clone brawler. He can go out there and try to be a wrestler. He also seemed a lot quicker here too and better in the ring than I remember. In a strange moment, Chris went for the Masterlock. The announcers went on about how no one had ever broken it, failing to call attention to the obvious difference between now and then. Masters went for the hold, but John blocked him. They dropped to the mat and Cena locked in his STFU. Just as the Masterpiece was about to tap, Edge ran in with a chair. One shot to the head later, the Doctor of Thuganomics wins via DQ. After the ding, ding, ding, Copeland rolled out of the ring and retrieved a ladder. With dangerous intentions, the WWE champion rammed it into Cena. Vanilla rolled around in pain and it looked like all was done… Psyche. Adam returns. This time, with a table. The King and Ross call for the insanity to end. He lines up the table in one corner and propels his #1 Contender into it. As the “wood” shatters, J.R. says it must be the channel we’re on that’s bringing out all this Extreme behavior. The Champ takes a microphone and lays it all on the line. “Good news, John. I decided where the match is gonna take place. It’s gonna be Unforgiven, in my home town, Toronto, Canada. And I decided what match it’s gonna be. A match you never had! A match I never lost! It’s gonna be Tables, Ladders, and Chairs!” Cope gives his enemy his own “You Can’t See Me” gesture and then takes off. So far, the show’s been pretty good. Tomorrow Night on ECW: Paul Heyman takes on Sabu in an Extreme Rules Match. Commercial Break. My wife got me a subscription to GameFly for my birthday. I can’t recommend against it enough. Last week, I had 11 games on my “Q” list and all of them were out of stock at once. It’s like having a friend that keeps saying, “Yeah. I’ll get ya that game, man. Just hold on. It’s almost here. I swear.” Except that the friend corresponds by snail mail and charges you ten bucks a month. Still to come: Randy Orton faces Jeff Hardy to determine a new #1 Contender for the Intercontinental Title. Orton earned this opportunity by losing to Hulk Hogan while Hardy earned it by showing up to the arena on time. Also, it’s a “Back to School Paddle on a Pole” match between Candice and Torrie. Jerry Lawler likes the sound of the whole thing. Why? Because he hangs out behind schools with a paddle, waiting for victims. In another section of the arena, Shane McMahon is confronted by the Team of Cade and Murdoch and the Team of Viscera and Charlie Haas. Team Cowboy and Team Killgirls both demand a shot at the Dxers, but are told that it’s not in the cards. There’s another challenger set for Shawn and Hunter tonight. Sorry, fellas. Back to Heat, beetches. All four mumble unpleasantries to each other as they leave the room. As luck would have it, at that very moment, Shane’s cell rings and we get the return of a character who made his debut last month…. Mr. McPhone! Mr. McPhone has new powers now. He has the ability to morph into a split screen so we can actually see Vinnie Mac while he makes his orders. Chillin with his tie unhooked, Vince sips some wine, zips his fly, and struts around his hotel room. He munches some shrimp and asks his son who he has on the docket to take down DX tonight. Before the Boy Wonder can answer, there’s a doorbell for the boss. VKM assumes it’s room service and allows them in without turning around. After a brief pause, a scream rings out. Both men freeze and then a rooster crows. Still not turning around, Vin worries aloud that the DeGenerates might be here in the hotel. With a slow turn, he approaches a covered box and cautiously removes the sheet. Beneath it is a cage with two roosters. They both crow loudly while Mr. McMahon does some weird face twitch. His decent into brokeness continues as the caged birds sing. Shane-o asks his pop if he’s “OK,” but gets no response. Nah, man. I’m pretty f**kin’ far from OK.Trish and Carlito walk together backstage and talk about going to the casino. Carly swerves from the casino talk and turns to the real talk. Hey Trisha, on WWE.com Lita is saying that you’re going to retire after Unforgiven. Is that true? Strats seems shocked, but admits that it’s true. Here’s what she said: “Well yeah. I mean. This is actually, this is, has been a decision that, I mean it’s one of the biggest decisions I had to make in my life. I mean, I don’t want people finding out like this, you know. I was gonna make an announcement and tell people and tell you. God, I can’t believe that.”
…until Randy Orton runs in and clobbers Carlito, smooshing him and Trish into the wall like Ram Man from Masters of The Universe. They both fall while Psycho Boy Randy stands over them, surveying the damage. Content with what he has done, Ort walks off, leaving the happy couple to roll around in agony. Commercial Break. Crank opens in movies on Friday. Now, when people ask what you did on Friday, you can look at them and say “Crank.” Last week, Umaga beat up Kane. When reached for comment, Umaga said “Moooolalbababababababa!” 2) Paddle on a Pole Match: Candice Michelle defeated Torrie Wilson Lillian Garcia started this match by calling it a “Back To Schoolgirl” match. Swift. Right off the bat, Lawler kicks up the creep-o-meter by pushing his excitement for school girls. There’s two reasons for this match to exist: 1) For kids too young to get into strip clubs or shaving cream wrestling. 2) To appease the horny, 9:45pm, “what’s on TV for me for me to ogle at" demographic. One of my favorite lines of the night was this one: “You know, I was reading FHM magazine - Torrie Wilson, of course on the cover - on the way out here last night from Oklahoma and Torrie, in the article, said that she likes it rough…in the bedroom….She likes to have her hair pulled.” (JG Note: Wouldn’t it be funny if Jim Ross of 2006 could back in time to the Jim Ross of 1986 and show him the transcript of an episode from today’s Raw?) So, the rules of this one aren’t what you think. The one who gets the paddle wins the match and gets to spank the loser. It’s not like a men’s match where one guy gets the paddle and then beats the other one into oblivion with it. That would sure put a damper on the festivities, huh? It was Candy getting the hard fought victory in the end. Whether you’re an underage kid looking for TV strip shows or a horny guy looking for a channel surfing love affair, this was the match for you. Three cheers for sexy time! After the match, Candice changed her mind and wanted a spanking of her own too! Both women spanked each other and danced around for all to see. Nice. You know what I love about Raw? When someone asks me, “Do you watch wrestling on Monday night?” I can say “No” and not be lying. Commercial Break. WWE Magazine is going to teach you had to get a bad girl. Wow. When you have to rely on WWE Magazine to get you laid… This week in Wrestling History: British Bulldog over Bret Hart in Wembley Stadium at Summerslam. Great match. I always liked seeing the matches between these two. After the video, Jim Ross continued his task of making me feel friggin old by saying that the match took place 14 years ago. Geez. We were the New Generation! Hulk Hogan was the Old Generation! Now Hulk Hogan’s the New Generation and we’re the Old Generation! How did this happen?! Again! This is the second time you guys did this. We’re sorry, sir. It’s not our airline’s policy to lose luggage. I’m sure you know… For the last two weeks now, you guys have lost my glowy face paint! Now one more problem like this and I’ll take you people to court do you hear me? Hello? This is the airline. The airline? Yes. Oh. I spaced for a second. What was I saying? You were saying that you had to hang up and go throw a fish at your friends for fun. Oh yeah. OK. Peace out. 3) Jeff Hardy pinned Randy Orton after a Swanton Bomb OK. Here it is. I’m glad to see Jeff Hardy back. I’d love to see what he could do if he was committed. I don’t mean committed in the sense of straight jackets, I mean it in the sense of job commitment. J.R. reminds us again that we’re watching tonight’s broadcast via Sci Fi Network - Home to Who Wants To Be A Superhero? (JG Note: Vince McMahon needs to sign Tyvecules… or at least steal the gimmick.) Ross says that the referee has “been slower than government aid to New Orleans.” After some fairly mellow back and forth, Orton and Hardy found themselves at a standstill with Hardy jumping off the top rope with a cross body, only to be faced with a well-timed, mid-air dropkick. The two battled a bit more with Randy getting the worse of it, eventually on his back and set up for a Swanton. The Legend Killer rolled from the ring and walked up the aisle to save himself, incurring a chorus of boos from the crowd. His retreat was short lived, however, Carlito showed up. Afro Joe pushed Randall back into the ring and spit apple in his face (JG Note: There it is. Time Since Foreshadowing: One week.) Jeff was waiting and when Ort turned around and hit him with a Twist of Fate. He followed it up with a Swanton and scored the pinfall. The Hardy Boy moves another rung up the ladder, claiming the #1 Contender slot to the IC belt. It’s as if they’re giving Jeff Hardy the comeback that his brother thought he’d get. Hey Abbbbboooottttt! Shawn Michaels has some questions backstage for his vaudeville partner. Yo, Hunter, what up with this DX shirt? It says Vince loves…well, not a “chicken.” That isn’t a chicken. What is it? Before the two can complete the joke, phony police come running into the room. As they enter, Triple H appears to try hitting on them by asking “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Weird. Aroused or not, the coppers are here at the behest of Shane McMahon. Little Mac comes running in and tells the Dxers to back down. What you did with Vince tonight was uncalled for! Helmsley replies that he was just trying to calm Vinnie down by letting him “Choke The Chicken.” After being told to “grow up,” Hunt informs Shane-o that he’s not immature, 61 year old Daddy Mac is! The Game talks about how Vinnie Mac likes to make men kiss his bare ass. He talks about how the 61 year old chairman fought his daughter on pay-per-view just days before she married a guy “with the world’s biggest penis.” (JG Note: She married Rob Fuller?) HBK shills the McDVD once more and tells the Shane that he has two words for him. Guess what they are. Go on guess. What? No. Not “commercial break." Suck it! But since you brought it up. Let's go to a... Commercial Break. Joe Torre and Willie Stargell buy off the media with Subway sandwiches!? What?! SCANDAL! SCANDAL! Behind the Scenes of The Marine. It open on Friday the 13th. I kid you not. The Highlanders are here. They’re going to call commentary for the next match. Jim Duggan and Eugene come to the ring and await their opponents. Kenny! Mikey! Konky! Chairy! Jambi! 4) World Tag Team Champion The Spirit Squad defeated Jim Duggan and Eugene when Mikey pinned Duggan Alright. Throw rocks at me, but I like the Highlanders. I think the best thing about this gimmick is that it can be flipped at any moment. They remind me of the guy on last season’s Ultimate Fighter. While I still wish they had been brought in as heels, I think they can make anything work somewhat. If being the 2006 Bushwhackers for a while is what need to be to done to make a debut, then so be it. As for the other guys, well I’m also still hoping for the splintering of the Spirit Squad. The gimmick isn’t horrible, but it also doesn’t need five people to do it. They could work as a trio, maybe even a duo - although if that happens, they’ll see their gimmick go from being cheerleaders to being gay within a month. The idea here was to push the feud between Rory and Robbie and the Spirters. The fans were firmly behind Jim Duggan, cheering “USA” in order to get under the skin of the evil Russian, Mikey. This one came to a close thanks to an exposed turnbuckle. Dug ran in for his three point stance tackle and found himself greeted with a turbuckleless corner. His chest rammed into the exposed steel and he fell…right into a roll up. Play the trumpet music. The Spirit Squad cheers on! They don’t cheer long. Umaga’s music rings out and the Cheerboys look shocked. Just to totally take the attention away from the task at hand, Jim Ross inserts this completely insane and unneeded statement: “We may have a Katrina-like tragedy waiting to happen!” (JG Note: Uh, Jim…what the f**k?! I just…wow…what? Not cool. Also, that’s the second Katrina reference tonight. I think after he finished the FHM on the plane, Ross read a book about New Orleans.) Umaga went to town on Eugene and Duggan with hands that Ross said were bigger than Jerry Lawler’s big black…book. After demolishing Team Big Beard, Jamla turns the floor over to a man who’s name is… Armando Alejandro Estrada. Mando lays out a threatening promo for Kane and informs him that he won’t be able to stop the undefeated Umaga. See No Evil? See No Victory, pal! Ooooooooo Maga! Still to come: DX faces two guys in black bodysuits with big question marks on their torsos. But next, remember Mick Foley kissed ass last week? Yeah, I forgot about it too. Well, we’ll have a press conference after the break hosted by the woman who turned on Mick, Melina…and the other guy. You know, the guy with the title. Johnny Something. Commercial Break. John Heder should just play Napoleon Dynamite. That’s it. Nothing else forever. I promise to see every movie he does as long as he plays Napoleon Dynamite in them. Any other characters he plays just seem like Napoleon Dynamite after going on a makeover show anyway. There will be a replay of Raw on USA at 11pm tonight. All the cool kids watch it twice. Don’t you want to be a cool kid? Last week, Mick Foley kissed Vince McMahon’s ass for a woman he isn’t married to. Afterwards, she punched him in the babalones. The R Rated Tough Enough Star Johnny Nitro is dressed to the nines as he stands beside his Foley-hating valet Melina. John says people are demanding a statement about Foley. Well screw that. You want a statement, well take a look. Look at Nitro. He’s everything Mick’s not. In fact, everyone here wishes they could be him for just one night. After all, he gets “freaky with Melina” and cuddles with the Intercontinental title at night. That’s a fact. It’s a fact that got to Mankind. He wishes he could have Lina, but he couldn’t. All he could do is fantasize, just like every fan in here. To prove his point, Johnny-Boy leans in to show the crowd what they can never do…lay a big smooch on her. Why would she want Cactus Jack anyway? J.N. explains that he’s nothing more than a quitter. To this, his lady friend adds: “Mick Foley isn’t so much a quitter. He’s more like an ass-kisser. I mean, he kissed Mr. McMahon’s ass. He kisses the people’s asses and he even kissed my ass. Oh an Mick Foley claimed that he just wanted to be my friend? Ugh. Oh I know better. You see the fact is, Mick Foley is, is a, UGH! He’s such a disgusting creep who is hitting middle age and he fell for me. That’s not my fault. So everybody. You know what, Mick? Mick can step in line. Cause everybody. Every man in this arena and every man around the world - they all fall for me. So I would never take a person that looks like Mick Foley seriously. Oh an for the record, I would like to make this statement. That Mick, I never, ever let Mick Foley touch me.” This went on for an hour. She called him a Muppet and said she wouldn’t associate with “regular people.” J.R. sarcastically reminds us that it’s only a two hour show. Ha ha. Sadly, it just kept going. Nitro took the mic and they continued their generic heel speech. They made a mistake by not having Jeff Hardy involved in this somehow. When this thing ended, even J.R. couldn’t ignore the truth. He said this was a “self-promo tape and not a very good one.” Damn straight. Back at the table, Jim Ross says that Kurt Angle was fired over the weekend. If you head over to WWE.com (JG Note: Or the pretend page that WWE put on Jerry Lawler’s laptop that looks like WWE.com) you can read all about it. Many WWE superstars have a lot to say about Angle's departure. On a side note, it sure sucks that they waited till now to sign Sylvester Turkay, right? Up next: Lita vs. Mickie James for the Women’s Title. Commercial Break. Netzero says they have better customer service than AOL. Uh, everyone has better customer service than AOL. Back at the broadcast table, Lawler and Ross are talking about Trish’s retirement and how it was leaked to WWE.com by Lita. Jerry references laptop again and they read the story on the site. After some technical difficulties, Jer explains that Amy heard Stratus on the phone with her folks and then told the website about it. What a jerk! Speaking of which, check out how Randy Orton bounced her head off a wall earlier. 5) Women’s Champion Lita pinned Mickie James with the ropes for leverage Isn’t it strange how Mickie has nothing to do with Trish at all anymore? Her idol is retiring and she seems like she doesn’t care. Her gimmick had been pretty much stripped away at this point and she’s gone from crazy to down-home girl within a month. It’s like when Victoria transitioned from face-licking psycho to kid-hugging dance clubber. This match was nothing special, but you weren’t expecting any magic, were you? Things ended when Mick went for a hurricanrana and was countered. Rather than flip, Leets dropped to the mat, used the ropes for leverage, and scored a pin. Up next: DX vs. Thing 1 and Thing 2. Commercial Break. Get your pet medicine from 1-800-Pet-Meds. Don’t get it from the street. You never know what they can lace that stuff with. DeGeneration X are the first ones out and they give their classic intro for the Atlantic City audience. We all party like it’s 1997 and tell the world about the two words we got for them. But first…Shane McMahon arrives with three words for his DeGenerate enemies. Finlay. Regal. Kennedy…. …Kennedy (JG Note: OK, four words.) 6) DeGeneration X defeated William Regal, Finlay, and Ken Kennedy when Triple H pinned Regal This one was pretty bizarre. I don’t grasp the reasoning. In fact, I hate the reasoning. If they’re going to do things like this, they might as well just junk the brand split. To bring in three top guys from Smackdown cold and job them out does nothing to help DX and nothing to help them. It's just a waste. Around the time the Little Bastard makes his under-the-ring appearance, Raw officially ends time-wise and the Tivo switches over. I thank God that I recorded “Shocker” after this thing ended at 11:02. For once I’d love to just set the Tivo and not have to record some weird random show after it because it doesn’t end even close to on time. In the end, it was the Gameboy no-selling his way to victory. He pounded away on the heels, eventually rolling out of the way of a Kennedy Senton Bomb. After that, he sidestepped a William Regal chairshot and hit a Pedigree. 1,2,3. Yay. Fade to… Wait. Shane-o Mac is Shane-o back. He tells the Klique boys that all is not over yet. No, no, no. He has two more words for them… Big Show. The ECW Champion emerges from the back and stalks his green and black prey. He wastes little time in taking the advantage. Then, with help from Kennedy and Fit Finley, the Show finds himself on the giving end of a serious beat down. Triple eats a choke slam while Michaels gets a Cobra Clutch Backbreaker. Adding injury to injury, Finley opens up on both men with vicious shillelagh shots. Then the music plays. Vince McMahon! He’s here! The boss is here…and he’s got a pipe. Not the smoking kind, the beating kind! Awwww…. junk! With a suit on his body and evil in his eyes, Mr. McMahon slams the fallen pranksters with his metal weapon. He slams it repeatedly into Helmsley’s head, drawing the blood that SciFi likes so much. After the King of Kings was taken down, Daddy and Son turned their attention to Shawn Michaels. In a spot that must have given him flashbacks to his feud with Sid in 1996/1997, HBK finds himself battered with a TV camera before crumbling to the ground. Fade to... Whilethaw was going on, Shane slammed Hunter across the head with the pipe. I was waiting for someone to whip out a bazooka. It was really getting to the point of overkill as the bloodied Crotch Choppers seemed to be stuck without a friend in the world. No one comes out to help them and the announcers don’t even give the old “Everyone in the back must have gone home” excuse. Instead, the DeGenerates lay in pain while Daddy Mac lets them know of their destiny at Unforgiven. It’s DeGeneration X vs. Vince and Shane McMahon…and Big Show…in a Hell in a Cell! Sideburns McGameface is given one last pipe whack to the head for luck and the damage is now down. The McFamily celebrate for, what seems to be, forever before we finally fade to black. All in all…Not a bad show. I actually didn’t mind it. There’s a few bad things here and there, but overall they did a pretty good job tonight. The Cena-Edge stuff was great. I think that the contract to Smackdown is an old school concept that is akin to WWE’s Loser Leaves Town stip. The only difference is that now it’s more like a Loser Leaves This Half of Town thing. It was well presented and genuinely gave people a reason to want to see that match happen. Another rematch would have been boring as hell. A stip like this makes it work. Chris Masters….wow. I think it’s the initial shock of it all. I can’t imagine his gimmick can remain in tact. It seems pretty out of place now, right? Cena won the match against him, but John wasn’t the big story here. Sorry, Marine. You lose half your body weight and return to Raw. Then, maybe it’ll be about you. I didn’t like the idea of jobbing out Regal, Finley, and Kennedy in one foul swoop. These are three Smackdown assets. Feeding them to DX was meaningless and did nothing but hurt them. The only saving grace might be if this’ll play into a bigger storyline for them. I can't imagine the newly nighted Willie and Fit will be welcomed back with open arms by King Booker after losing to such rogues. As for the Hell in a Cell match, I think it’s going to end up being a good one. The people involved here all like to prove their worth. Hunter is trying to create a DVD library for his legacy. Shawn is doing the same. Big Show is trying to prove himself worthy of being the ECW flag bearer. Vince always tries to prove to himself that he can keep up with the boys. While Shane is doing the same - trying to prove to Vince that he can keep up with the boys. Put it all together and I think it’ll be a good one. I hope this Melina thing goes somewhere. That promo tonight was just too much about too little. Even Nitro came off bad. Hopefully this gets settled in a match at some point…somewhere. I’m hoping that if rumors of Lita’s time off our true, Trish will challenge her to a match in which, in the event that she loses, she‘ll have to retire too. It would be a good explanation for time away and really be a unique way of approaching the situation. If not, then whatever. Just a thought. Shoot me. So, yeah, I didn’t mind Raw. The Highlander thing is OK. Randy Orton flinging women into walls is funny. The paddle on a pole was…well, it was. So there you go. Watch it or not. It’s your call. I did. Before I let you go, remember to check back to the site in the next few days. There’s going to be a lot going on. We should not only have word on our Radio Free Insanity guest, but also information on some long awaited additions around the site. You definitely don’t want to miss this. It’s going to be good. I promise. Be Well and thanks for sharing the Insanity!
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