Paul O'Brien
The Loneliest Place
By Paul O'Brien
Sep 30, 2005, 16:53

Ego. It’s a small word but it has a lot of force. It can be a dangerous thing. It can be a selfish thing. It can make you want to be the greatest. But it doesn’t make you the greatest.

Just ask Hulk Hogan. It’s plain old fashioned reality that does that particular job for you. And Hogan doesn’t play too much in that park.

Or does he?

Is the man lying, keeping kayfabe or does he actually believe what he says?

There’s a twisted phenomenon in Russia called ‘Dog boys,’ in which orphaned children have been looked after by wild dogs. The little boys prefer to ‘walk’ on all fours and they growl and bark at passing traffic. They bite. In the case of young Ivan Mishukov, his bond with his family of dogs was so strong it took the police nearly a month to separate them. He still, to this day, prefers to sleep on the floor.

"I was better off with dogs. They loved me and protected me."

Who do you blame for Ivan’s strange behaviour? The boy who was just replicating or the dogs who know no better?

Asking Hulk Hogan to talk honestly about wrestling is like asking Ivan Mishukov to sleep in a proper bed. I’m sure they both can still do it, but it’s not first nature to them anymore. They were ‘raised’ differently to you and me. They both do what they do to survive in their environment.

Hogan needs to lie. What would happen if he told the truth?

“I’m neither the greatest draw of all time, or the greatest wrestler of all time. I am in fact, second best. Thank you brother”

That doesn’t make you the greatest. Do you think Hogan could live with that reality? Hogan wasn’t ‘raised’ like that. He was ‘raised’ to lie, lie, fucking lie brother.

Q. What height are you?

A. 6’ 11”

Q. What weight are you?

A. 330+

Q. How many is in tonight?

A. 93,000

Q. But it’s Nova Scotia, Hulk.

A. There’s always 93,000 people out there.

Why operate in the real world when the dogs taught you otherwise? Which one sells the ticket; come see me beat a six hundred pound giant or come see me pull a performance of a lifetime out of a broom handle?

The dogs in New York prefer the giant.

And no matter how big that giant is, he isn’t big enough. Add inches, pounds, make the people believe that they’ve never seen people like this before. Give them the tallest, fattest, most muscular, most tattooed, twins and midgets the world has ever seen. Then, make them bigger, fatter, more midgety and triplets. Cause that’s what the people want. Beating a ghost white skinny man with false teeth and glasses won’t make you the greatest. Lie, lie, fucking lie brother.

And who rose to the top of this fragile mountain of lies? Exactly. And he did it with 93,000 people watching him. Twice on Sundays.

Hogan can’t answer you straight when asked about the basics of wrestling because his reflex is to protect. And like a magic show or a theatre piece, the wrestling business is the believability of the lie. If the lie isn’t protected there is no business.

That’s old school baby.

So who’s to blame for the blatant lies of Hulk Hogan? Where does the blame lay for the contorted re-telling of history? Do you blame the boy or the dog?

Or is it something less sinister?

Does Hogan, under it all, realise that the only way he can be remembered as the top of the tree is to keep saying it over and over?

Austin is the greatest draw of all time and Flair the greatest wrestler. Was he the greatest talker? Nope. The greatest performer? Na. What then? The greatest technical wrestler? The greatest brawler, high flyer, heat magnet? No, no and fuck, no.

Where does that leave Hogan? Where does Hogan think that leaves Hogan?

Austin or Flair didn’t slam a six hundred pound, seven foot five Andre the Giant in front of 93,000 people. And they never will. That’s where that leaves Hogan. In his mind anyway.

Hulk Hogan became the face of professional wrestling. He’s still around in bits and starts. People are (obviously) still writing and talking about him. But he was nor ever will be, the greatest.

It must be a lonely place to be, where you have to keep telling all around you of the marvellous things you’ve never done.

Ego makes you think you’re the greatest. Reality only sours it.

E-Mail Paul at:

Paul@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com