| From WorldWrestlingInsanity.com JG's Raw Insanity
Welcome to tonight's ongoing real time coverage of Raw. This Raw Insanity was originally written in Real Time. You can interact with World Wrestling Insanity readers and staff during tonight's Raw by going to the Insanity Message Boards.
Monday Morning...Columbia, South Carolina... Vince McMahon: This is amazing. See, Shane? Having all the brands back together is literally the meaning of family reunion. Shane McMahon: Umm, dad? I’m pretty sure it means having your family - like your family - back together. Vince: Either way. It’s the season premiere, so shut up. Let’s just get everyone together and try to take this group picture already. The wrestlers are all standing around waiting for the photo to be taken. DX walks up to King Booker. Triple H: Hey Booker. Shawn Michaels: (hopping around and bobbing his head) Hey, hey, hey…Mister Booker! Why I oughta! Yada, yada, yada, homina-homina-homina… Booker T: Yo, dawg. What’s up with your boy? Hunter: It’s the new gimmick we’re doing. It’s like the old gimmick, only new. Anyway, I heard Batista saying some things, man. He said that you eat doo-doo for dinner. Booker: What? Tell me he didn’t say that. Shawn Michaels: (in a high pitched voice) My name is Batista. Booker T is a booger. Booker: (throwing down his crown) Son-of-a-bitch! Booker runs up to Batista, who is eating a snack. Booker: What the hell did you just say about me? Batista: (confused) What? Nothing. I’m just standing here eating some Combos. It really cheeses my hunger away. Booker: (irate) What’s that supposed to mean, you bastard?!
Booker jumps on Batista. Shawn: Fight! Fight! Fight! Hunter: Nice. I love it. (turning to the wrestler beside him) . Hey. Look at you. What are you gonna do, Mark Henry? Write a book called "How To Lose 300 Pounds in Four Weeks?" MVP: Uh, dude, I’m not Mark Henry. I’m M.V.P. Hunter: (happily) Oh yea! I loved that gimmick! You’re all a bunch of tax cheats! That was awesome, man! Money Inc was the shiznit! MVP: You're thinking of I.R.S. Hunter: Yes. Yes I am. (patting MVP on the head) Thank you, Mini-Mark Henry, for invoking treasured memories.
Back at the front, Vince is still trying to get everyone together for the pic. Vince: Are they all lined up? OK, guys. I need you to…wait. Ric. Ric! Why don’t you have any pants on? Ric Flair: (dancing) Whooo! Vince - whoooo - Mc - by God - Mahon! The Nature Boy. The Dirtiest Player in the Game. The jet flyin’, limousine riding', wheelin’ dealing, kiss stealing, son of a gun. The 16 Time World Champion Ric Flair is wearing - whoooo, by God - invisible pants. Vince: (rolling his eyes) Invisible pants? Ric: Yes. Invisible pants. Vince: Would it be too much to ask that you go put on visible pants? William Regal: (unbuckling his belt) Here. He can wear mine. Vince: No! You keep your pants on too! We’re going to take a nice picture! I just want one nice picture we can hang up on the damn wall! Is that too much to ask?! Brian Kendrick walks out of the group. He's confused as to where he should be. Brian Kendrick: Excuse me, Mr. McMahon. Where should I stand? Vince: I’m sorry, son. This picture is only for WWE performers. Kendrick: I’m one of the World tag team champions. Vince: No kidding? Nice. Glad you decided to come to the big time. We could always use a high profile jump. I’m always on the look out for champs from other companies. Ever since that Kurt Angle crap… Kendrick: No. No, sir. I’m the tag champ on Smackdown. Vince: (shocked) What the fu…Shane! Damit, Shane! TNA has a show called Smackdown? Why isn’t legal all over that?! Kendrick: No. No, sir. You don’t get what I’m saying. I’m a WWE Superstar already. Vince: What a positive way to see it. I like someone with a dream and determination. (looking Kendrick sympathetically in the eyes) Yes, little person. You are a WWE Superstar already. It’s good to dream. Here. Give me a hug. Vince pulls Kendrick close and wraps his arms around him. Kendrick: OK. This is awkward. Vince: Who’s my creampuff? Kendrick: Please stop, sir. I can’t breathe. An uninvited guest runs into the room. Kanyon: Who betta than Vince!? Everyone stops and stares at Kanyon. Vince: What the hell are you doing here? Kanyon: (timidly) Who betta than Kanyon? Vince: You weren’t invited to the reunion! Umaga: Yeah! Like the Alanis Morissete song! (singing) You! You’re not a-llowed. You’re un-inviiiiiiit-ed…. All the wrestlers stop looking at Kanyon and look at Umaga. Umaga: Uh, I mean…Moowawaahahaha! Ooga, ooga, ooga! Kanyon: So I have to leave because I’m gay? Vince: No. You have to leave because you weren’t invited. Kanyon: But it’s really because I’m gay, right? Triple H: (whispering to Shawn Michaels) Man, that guy is so gay. Vince: God! That’s it. Sylvan, would you please show this gentleman out? Sylvan: Viva la Quebec! Sylvan walks Kanyon out. Viscera grins, adjusts his pants, and goes chasing after them.
Vince: Alright. So let’s just get this picture done. Spirit Squad Kenny: (raising his hand) Mr. McMahon! JBL keeps licking his finger and sticking in my ear! Vince: Is that true, John? JBL: What? No! It’s just a little meet and greet. That’s it. Just a little harmless fun. Just a finger among friends. I like this here cheerleader. It’s not like I’d stick a bar of soap up his can while he’s showering or nothing. Just a friendly finger lick. No, sir. We only do the soap trick to them boys that complain to the management about petty things like wet willies. You know what I mean, Kenny? JBL glares at Kenny. Kenny: Yeah, uh. Yes. Yes I do. JBL: Why don’t ya do a little cheer about it? Kenny: I don’t want… JBL: CHEER! Kenny: (frightened) Rah, rah, sis-boom-ba. Please don’t stick a bar of soap up my ass. JBL: Yee-haw! Buy! Sell! Ya-hooo! Bradshaw begins shooting guns in the air like Yosemite Sam. Vince: Right. On the count of three. Ready? One. Triple H: Ready? Shawn: You betcha. You betcha! Vince: Two… Triple H: Ready….? GO! Vince: Three! CLICK
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That’s right, folks. Miss Mallory’s computer is out of commission for the evening, but she sends her love. In her place, I’ll be compiling the first ever Real Time Raw Insanity. I figured, what better way to try this concept than a three hour broadcast? In other words, I’m jumping head-first into the pool without checking to see if it has water in it…or if it’s even a pool. So join me for the show. We’re either going to have a great swim or we can crack our collective heads open together. Aw. Muffin. Tonight’s show is coming to you live from the land of Hootie and the Blowfish. Columbia, South Cackalacky. With so many questions left unanswered, what will tonight bring? Will the Big Red No-Evil Seer Kane hold on to his Raw career in spite of the savage challenge from Umaga? Can the Monster send the Islander off the brand in their epic Loser-Leaves-Monday match? What about the fallout from No Mercy? Can the cocky William Regal find the testicular fortitude to stand up to King Booker again or will he apologize for being hard on his former King? What about DX? What about Lashley? What about Ken Kennedy? What about…well, you get the idea. Everyone’s here to rock the house on the USA Network. So grab your favorite drink and a bag of combos, people. It’s time for three hours of friggin’ Raw! New Raw Theme Plays. Makes me kinda sad. I was sort of hoping against hope that they would use Jive Soul Bro by Slick.Raw has a new slick logo that looks like the old logo only, uh, slick. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are freaking out from the University of South Carolina and we have a crazy night of action ahead. We shoot down to JBL and his little friend, Michael Cole. They freak out and go to team #3 ECW’s #1 sports entertainment storyteller, Joey Styles, and his partner “The Human Commentary Machine” Tazz. Then John Cena shows up. We rewatch his steel cage victory from last week and applaud DX saving the day. John Cena is still champion and you have Triple H to thank for that. Wow. Bizarre-o world. The Champ is here and he gets his pop by saying that we’re at the season premiere of Raw. Jim Ross adds, “All three hours of it.” Ugh. John says that it’s the 697th Raw and "we’re strong as ever." (JG Note: Ever? Come awn.) Before leaving, John tells Edge that he has a message for him. Listen up, TLC Boy. Through thick and through thin, it feels good to be able to say, “The Champ is still here.” On that note, Cena prepares to take his leave… All Hail King Booker! Alright, baby. I’ve been waiting for this. Stuck on Raw, I never got a chance to thrust me the Five Time WCW Champion. No, Viscera. I said “hail,” not “hump.” Oh…can I hump him anyway? King Booker arrives and the commentary quickly switches from two men to four men and then back to two men as Cole and Bradshaw jump in on broadcast duties. Booker corrects the fair peasant Cena that he is not a champion because, well, he’s not on Smackdown. There's only one World Champion on Smackdown! That man is King Bookaaah and he is thy champion of champions. Don’t believe it? Did you see No Mercy? (JG Note: Most likely not.) Book beat three men. Even better, remember the last time the King was on Raw? He made you kiss his royal feet, you Vanilla Rogue! The WWE Champion quickly jumps into a British accent and tells his evil aggressor that the last time he was on Smackdown, he vanquished the Champ and his Knights. He smolted you, bee-otch! Johnny tells the man in the cape that he’s not at a “Renaissance Fair.” He’s on Raw. Wanna talk about Champions of Champions? Well, screw the talk. “Let’s be about it.” With that, the champion hath been besmirched! But before they could tie it up, the Big Show arrived with his teeny weeny title. We then go from two men on commentary to six men in no time flat. Ross, Cole, Bradshaw, Styles, Taz, Lawler, Cousin Oliver, and Craig DeGeorge all comment on the size of the Big Show. Biggie immediately targets Cena and calls him a white guy who’s trying to be black. Mocking his own character, J.C. says “What you talking about, Willis?” Splendid. Biggie looks over at Booker and calls him a “black guy talking like Prince Charles.” Biggz then calls himself WWE’s dominant giant, but the WWE Champion scoffs at the notion. Hey ECDub Boy, you ain’t as good as… Andre. Word life! (JG Note: I guess he’s not his son anymore.) The Giant continues on and mocks John Cena’s movie career. Remember a little movie called Waterboy? Huh? It grossed mad money! Big Show was in that film! Booker T laughs at Show’s time in the Waterboy, claiming to have bowel movements that last longer. The Harlem Heater tells his fellow movie stars to go and rent a copy of…Ready to Ruuuuummmmble! That's the movie that made your King a star! John and Show immediately burst into laughter. Cena brings it all back to base one. Screw movies. We have three champions here in the ring. Let’s do a little something. Let’s have ourselves a little brawl. And with that, the brawl commences. The volatile situation is extinguished but we have more on the way! Rey Mysterio teams up with Bobby Lashley and the Man They Call Batista against Chavo Guerrero, Fit Finlay, and Little Willie Regal. Also, it’s a Cackalacky Street Fight between the team of Cade and Murdoch and DeGeneration X. Plus we have Loser Leaves Raw Match. It’s Umaga vs. Kane! Who will win? No one knows. Feed the hungry hip-hippos. In the leather couch room, Paul Heyman, John Coachman, and Teddy Long are arguing. What could this be about? Stay tuned. Commercial Break. Taste the Rainbow. Kill the Rainbow. Bury the Rainbow in your backyard under the shed then cover it with cement. Surprise, surprise, surprise. Paul Heyman is selling something to his fellow GMs backstage. Did you see Big Show? He’s bad ass! He can’t be beat. (JG Note: You know, besides the hundreds of times he was beaten before winning the ECW Title. But those times don’t count.) Coachman calls him out and books a match for the night. How about Big Show against Raw's Jeff Hardy tonight? Huh? Sound good? Heyman agrees, but books a champion of his own. It’s gonna be King Booker of Smackdown versus ECW Extremist Rob Van Dam! How’s that? Oh, oh, and Coachman has an idea for John Cena. How about putting Raw’s Champ against Smackdown's resident tool, The Miz? Huh? Good? Teddy don’t play that. Peanuthead shoots down the plan and instead books Cena against a man who lost last night. Oh yeah. It’s John Cena against The Undertaker! Holla….in peace. Dad. I’m just so worried about tonight’s match. I was just hoping you could give me some words of encouragement. Dad? Dad? WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME!? Kane, what’s wrong? Who were you talking to on your cell phone? It was my dad. He’s such a jerk though. Ever since my brother buried him in concrete, he barely talks to me. Well, he was buried in cement. That would stop anyone from talking. NO! Screw that noise! Screw that noise! I fell into a burning dumpster, but I still called people! I was in a limo that drove straight into a truck. I still talked to my family. He’s just a selfish jerk! He acts like he‘s the only person in the family that my brother ever buried alive. Hello?!! 1. Loser Leaves Raw: Umaga pinned Kane after the Samoan Spike.So this is it. As a whole, this feud has been OK. It’s nothing epic that you’re going to remember for years, but at least they gave it this major showdown pay-off match. Having the loser-leaves-the-red-and-black show match at the Family Reunion adds to it too. Taking away from it is Jerry Lawler, who actually wonders if Umaga was born with his face tattooed. That’s sad, Jerry. If you’re going to try to sell me something, make it a pay-per-view. Don’t try to sell things that don’t exist like birth-tattoos. This match was a brawl from the start with Maga knocking The Big Red Machine from the ring and sending us to a commercial halfway through. The Samoan Bulldozer bulldozes over Kane-o and seems to have the upperhand for most of the contest. Taker’s little bro gets in an occasional choke slam tease, but ultimately fails to turn the tables. Umy hits a spectacular top rope splash and, following orders from Armando Estrada, goes for Fonzie’s patterned thumbs up…your throat. He swings, but is caught in a choke. Big Red grabs the wild Samoan, takes him down with sideslam, and then hits a top rope clothesline. However, when Mando made the distraction and used his cigar box as a weapon, the plan was clear. Kane was distracted, attacked, and he eventually ate a thumb to the throat. One, two, three. Oooooooomaga. After the bell, Dr. Yankum grimaced while the audience chanted his name. He paced around for a bit before finally deciding to walk up the aisle and out of our Monday Night Lives. Godspeed, young necrophiliac. Godspeed. Jim Ross wonders where we'll ever see Kane again. (JG Note: I'm guessing Smackdown, Jim. I mean. Duh.) Commercial Break. Be sure to listen to this week’s edition of JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Bull Buchanan.. What? It’s a commercial break. What did you expect? Rip 'em up. Tear 'em up. Let's go Gamecocks! Lillian Garcia introduces the Gamecocks head coach and somewhere in the back, Triple H laughed his ass off. Still to come: Cena vs. Undertaker. RVD vs. Booker. Show vs. Hardy. For free. In other words, if you paid for No Mercy, you should hit yourself in the head now. Backstage, Kane is sad, but the Highlanders are happy. They tell him how great he is and he responds by beating them silly. Who knew Kane had such a temper? We quickly go to HBK and HHH. Guess what. Go on. Guess. Yup. DeGeneration X is redoing their podium skit from 1997. Apparently, the duo have been ordered to issue formal apologies to: The Tag Team Division - for single-handedly decimating them. Spirit Squad - for dressing them up like girls. Again, Hunter laughs and says they were already girls. 2,4,6,8, Ouch. As Shawn goes through the list of names including Chris Masters and Edge, Hunt chuckles at them all. When HBK fastforwards to the end, he names Cade and Murdoch. He wants to apologize for beating them in the street fight tonight. The King of Kings corrects him and says that the mach hasn’t even happened yet! This show isn't taped! HHH points to the camera and says, "We’re on Live TV." Suddenly they both clam up and stand silently for a minute before grabbing their merchandise and selling it. They close out with the “suck it” line and run off camera. Poor tag team division. Jeff Hardy is walking to the ring. He's not glowing either. That must mean he's not happy or something. Commercial Break. Tomorrow night, catch ECW. Then on Friday, watch Smackdown. Between those two shows, tonight’s Raw, and last night’s PPV, that’s nine hours of WWE wrestling on TV! Hooray! Who says WWE has too much TV? Bah humbug. I could go another nine. Bring it on! 2. ECW Champion Big Show pinned Jeff Hardy after the Final Cut.Tazz and Joey Styles are on duty for this one and it’s time for David vs. Goliath. The Tazzmaniac says he’s pulling for the Big Show and Joey follows it up by doing a hype for Fruity Skittles. He repeats the word “Fruity” about five times. What are you trying to say, Joey? It's OK. Let it out. Right off the bat, Biggie manhandles the Hardy Boy which is the logical thing. It worked great too because when Jeff finally got the momentum, the crowd went buck. He hit a Swanton and did all his cutesy little flips, but in the end was no match for the Giant. It was a Final Cut and a pinfall A good big man beat a good little man. Kevin Nash would be proud. Following the bell, Johnny Nitro showed up and immediately began kicking away at the fallen Intercontinental Champion. Seeing his recently squashed opponent being unfairly attacked, Show snuck up behind Johnny and took him down with the Million Dollar Dream Drop. N from MNM rolled from the ring and the ECW Champ stood tall. Next: Cade and Murdoch versus DeGeneration X. Commercial Break. The Marine promo describes John Cena as "a one man Strike Force." I guess that means he fights bulls and has his own line of cologne. Busy guy. DX is here and they want to talk again. They like to talk. Once again, the subject is Vince McMahon. Daddy Mac wanted an apology today, but he didn’t get it. So to make up for the missing apology, Triple H and Shawn Michaels got the McBoss a present. It’s the only Cock big enough to satisfy Vince McMahon…it’s USC Columbia’s very own Cocky! We shoot to the Titantron and take a look at Cocky. He’s not there though. Why is that, Shawn? Well, Gameboy, it seems that there were some problems. There was too much riding on him. Triple then tries to do some cock jokes in front of the USC crowd. (JG Note: As a former University of South Carolina student, I can tell you that the people there have heard every single incarnation of cock pun. People used to make t-shirts and sell them door to door.) Anyway, that doesn’t stop Helmsley. He carries on. The jokes weren’t terribly bad, they were just being done for the wrong crowd. Plus, when you factor in the length of the whole skit, it made the segment worse. It dragged on too long and was even worse than the prolonged “Dick” skit he did a few weeks ago. We get it. Cock has two meanings. Bada-boom-ching. Now stop. Please. After an eternity, Abbot and Costello finally tell us to get ready to suck it. Bring on Cade and Murdoch. 3. Street Fight: DeGeneration X defeated Cade and Murdoch when Hunter pinned Cade. There’s something kind of weird about Lance Cade’s physique. I can’t figure it out but something just isn’t right about it. As for Murdoch, he’s just a good ol’ boy. He looks like Francis Buxton and Larry The Cable Guy had a kid. This one started off with a prolonged beat down by the midcard guys while the headliners sold. The only thing that really kind of sucked about this match was that all four guys were dressed alike. It’s like they all went shopping for jeans together. At one point, Michaels had his DX shirt torn and I couldn’t tell whether or not he was Shawn or Lance Cade. After a while, we finally got a highspot - complete with tables. Hunt set up Trev on a table at ringside and the Boy Toy came sailing from the buckle right through him. After that, the attention turned to Garrison. The Rocker tuned up his Cowboy Boot and slammed Lance in the mush with some Chin Music. Trips followed up with a Pedigree and got his team a victory. Edge and Lita are watching DX on a monitor when Todd Grisham shows up. He asks what Copeland thinks of the DeGenerates following their interference in his match last week. Adam promises to bring back his talk show "The Cutting Edge" tonight. His guest will answer all questions. Beliedat.
We're back with 65 of our ringside commentators. They again remind the audience of tonight's stacked show and argue a bit. Shelton Benjamin is in the ring and he's pissed off. He is seriously pissed off. He’s irate over not being booked in his own home state! What the frigg! Shelton is like really T.O.ed and demands some competition. Bring your ass out here. Whoever you are. Whatever brand you’re on. Show Shelly what you got! How Chris Benoit Relaxed In His Time Off Mr. Benoit, we’re glad to have you here at the resort, but I’m going to have to ask you one last time. Please stop breaking the arms of our masseuses. They’re just doing their jobs. But they left their arms wide open. My first instinct is just to break it. PROVE ME WRONG! We’re not going to prove you wrong - whatever that means. Just stop. Also, please ask your wife to stop screaming over and over again. It‘s disturbing the other guests. 4. Chris Benoit defeated Shelton Benjamin via submission Michael Cole takes it upon himself to inform Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler of Chris Benoit’s recent history. The Wolverine wasn’t feelin’ it, as the kids say. So he took a sabbatical and now he’s got no more boo-boos. This match started off well, but the commentary played an important role too. JBL took a shot at JR and mentioned his barbeque sauce. Things got quiet and Ross, figuring that what’s fair is fair, plugged his website www.Jrs-bbq.com. Nice. Back in the ring, Benji appeared to hold his own, but in the end he was outmatched by the Toothless Aggressor’s technical know-how. He locked in his Crippler Crossface and scored a tap-out from Raw’s current wrestler with a losing-streak gimmick. The three-way GM debate is still going on. Who’s the best? Who can break it down for us? How about Super Crazy? He’s silly. He’s an immigrant. He’s crazy. Super Loco arrives and each commissioner gives his pitch. How about it Crazy, Raw gave you a shot, right? Super agrees. Whoa, whoa, playa. What about Smackdown? You love that cruiserweight stuff, right? Again, Super agrees. Heyman takes a stab at things and brings up the Mexicool’s history in ECW. You loved it there, right? Again, Super agrees…but then breaks into a speech about how great each brand is. Everyone is dumbfounded that he speaks English. Funny segment. Michael Cole remarks how Crazy worked on Smackdown for years, but he never knew he spoke English. (JG Note: Know why? Michael Cole isn’t friendly. Either that or he hates Mexicans. Which is it, Michael?) Commercial Break. I want to know where that high kid left that girl that got his friend so mad. My imagination goes nuts when that ad airs. Where'd he leave her? The moon? That would be awesome. We’re at ringside with JBL and Michael Cole as we return from the break. Cole takes the time to - get this - remind us that “it’s not Friday.” They’re guest co-hosting Raw. Oh. Thanks Michael. I almost confused Monday with Friday…because I’m brain dead. Thank God you were there to help me. Ewwwwwwww Chavo! What? You have some snot on your face. 5. Batista, Lashley, and Rey Mysterio defeated Finlay, William Regal, and Chavo Guerrero Jr. when Rey pinned Chavo This was the "Hey, everyone. This is Smackdown" match. It was a lot of history to go over between everyone, but Cole and Layfield did a good enough job of it. Rey and Chavo looked like they were two feet tall each standing in the ring with guys like Batista and Lashley. I half-expected Bobby to throw Mysterio in the air and catch him in his mouth like a piece of popcorn. Didn't happen though. The Little Bastard made an appearance and Bradshaw scolded good ol' M.C. for using profanity. Then, minutes later, Saint Layfield said that wrestling is like "being on the road away from your wife. It's all legal." Yee-haw. You know the weird thing? Most of this match was a build up for Batista's tag-in. He stood on the apron and waited to come in. When he did, he came in in slow motion and was greeted with cold stares from the crowd. How did he respond? You guessed it - more slow motion. Luckily Bobby was there to spear the heels and get the crowd going. He did and Rey Rey ran in to offer his highspot services. The audience continued to pop. With people popping left and right, Tista slammed Guerrero and The 619er came flying off the top buckle with a Frog Splash. Uno, dos, three. Done. Commercial Break. Eric Bischoff does a new "shoot" commercial for his book, Controversy Creates Cash..”. In this one, he calls himself ATM Eric. This immediately becomes my favorite Raw commercial. The only thing that could beat this is if he does a commercial and brings up the Gold's Club. Lillian Garcia introduces Moolah and Mae Young to the crowd. The two amble their way to the ring as J.R. and Jerry Lawler ignore them and show us footage of South Carolina soldiers teaching John Cena what they go through. They say they won’t take it easy on him. If it wasn’t for the fact that we know this is pre-taped, I’d have thought they might have shot him. That would be true insanity. John, we’re gonna teach you how to be a Marine! Now…duck! BANG! King Booker tells his queenly wife that he is true royalty. When he waseth on Raweth, he was but a commoner. Now he isith on thy Smackethdowneth. He isith a championith! Suckaith! How does Queen Paisley respond? Yup. All Hail King Booker. That old gag. OK, terrific. Melina and Johnny Nitro head to the ring. Mick Foley's stalkee sees action next... Cyber Sunday is coming to you on pay-per-view. Or, as Jerry Lawler calls it, Sunday. Torrie Wilson comes out next and with her a cavalcade of lumberjills. All the divas from tomorrow night's Extreme Strip Poker get their own time-killing entrances (JG Note: Hey. It's three hours. Even with the Cena-Marine video clips, it's still like two hours and ten minutes. It's hard to fill time.) After that, we get underway. 6. Lumberjill Match: Melina pinned Torrie Wilson with a handful of trunks. Trinity was showing off her goods in this one. This match was a bit weird. They wrestled it like a regular match and tomorrow night’s eye candy got violent with the divas when they tried to leave the ring. There was some commentary exchanges at ringside to break the monotony. Styles called Lawler old and stale. JBL called Styles a woman. A fun time was had by all. You almost missed the ending. Melly Mel grabbed some arse and scored a tainted win. After the bell, Smackdown’s Betty Applewhite, Krystal, got involved in Torrie’s bi’ness. She ran in, but ended up getting a Stinkface from Mrs. Kidman. It’s amazing how the whole point of that move has changed in the last five years. Next: RVD vs. King Booker. Smoketh them if you gotteth them. Commercial Break. WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 is coming out for PS2, X-Box 360, and PSP. It’s almost like a broken time machine. For starters, it comes out before 2006. With 2007 in the title, you’d think it was a glimpse into the future, right? Well, it has Kid Kash and Joey Mercury in it. It’s like some bizarre-o time travel. This must be what Doc Brown meant about disturbing the space-time continuum. 7. World Champion of Smackdown Booker T. pinned Rob Van Dam after the Scissors Kick. Cole and Layfield handled commentary for this one and did a good job at creating the backstory. They gave the stats on Booker’s title reign and RVD’s double World Championship run. They leave out the topless driving and pot bust, but that’s expected. Then, things get awkward when ex-”partners” Tazz and Michael Cole come together for four man commentary. It leads to a showdown between the Tazzmaniac and Bradshaw. It gets pretty heated and it veered into some shooting. Tazz calls Layfield “chunky” and “clumsy.” He also tells the Wrestling God to put the wrestlers over instead of himself. Bradshaw responds with midget jokes and ECW out-of-business cracks. Joey Styles actually checked in with the best line as he says that Bradshaw’s commentary was the only job his wife didn’t get him. Ooof. It doesn’t end there. They clashed about hometowns and who had the better career. It was pretty intense stuff. You almost forgot there was a match going on. Good or bad? You make the call. It was entertaining. In the end, Bradshaw’s show got the win. Thanks to interference from Sharmelle T, Van Dam fell from the top rope and ended up nailed with the King’s Scissors Kick. Now can you dig that, peasant? Commercial Break. If you're not familiar with Brian Pillman, then you owe it to yourself to check out the new Pillman DVD. He had a style all his own. There's no telling how over he would have been once the Attitude Generation hit. He was a great performer and it was a real tragedy to have him pass away at such a young age. It's Cryme Tyme....Yo, yo, yo. Pop a fo'ty. This week's skit opens up with another Raw mention of the word "nizzle." We look back at Shad Gaspar and JTG's training. It seems that training is kicked up a notch this week. The thuggies take turns bench pressing and having sex with a white woman in preparation for their Raw debut...which is next week. That's funny. That's how Randy Orton trains too. Mitch of the Spirit Squad is on the screen. He admits that he "sucks." All that changes tonight, though. Tonight, he'll beat Ric Flair. Why? Because he has friends. (JG Note: Uh, Mitch...no you won't. There's two other guys in your crew that Flair has to beat before someone has a chance at going over him. Don't you watch this show?) Vince McMahon is here! Lookit! Lookit! Vince is here! Big Daddy Mac approaches all three brand figure heads and tells them that he considers them to be his "children." After smirking, The Genetic Jackhammer adds that they would all have to be his "illegitimate children." Yeah. I guess. Once that was out of his system, VKM delivered the promo's true message. November 5th. Cyber Sunday. It's the ECW Champ Big Show vs. WWE Champ John Cena vs. World Champion King Booker! So it is written! So it shall be done! Commercial Break. Say hello to my little game! More footage from the Marine's red carpet premiere. Remember when WWE took the last half hour of Prime Time and made it the Bobby Heenan Show? I feel like they took this three hour Raw and made one hour of it "The John Cena Marine Show." Then, instead of making it one long continuous hour, they cut it up and spliced it throughout the show. If you add up all the hype footage I've seen for this, it's probably longer than the damn film itself. The Spirit Squad is in the ring. They are awaiting the Invisible Pants Guy. Once Ric Flair arrives, he's joined by someone who really is wearing invisible pants...Rowdy Roddy Piper! After Roddy, it's IRS and Ted DiBiase! I kid you not. You remember IRS, he was in the Raw Intro tonight. Wow. I had no clue he'd be there. I need to buy a lotto ticket or something. After Money Inc, Arn Anderson arrived! It's Arn! It's Arn! Jim Ross has goosebumps, by God! 8. Ric Flair vs. Spirit Squad Mitch Right at the start of the match, Team Legend chased the Spirit Squad from ringside. They all stood there cheering on their fellow generation superstar and reacted with joyous laughter when he locked Mitch in the Figure Four and scored the quick win. I seriously can't believe IRS is here after I put him in the Raw Intro. I'm kinda freaked out right now. Edge is on his way to the ring. He like the sexytime. It is nice. Commercial Break. I hate the voice-over on the ECW Strip Poker commercial. Yeah. Sheeee, shweetheart. It's the bee's knees. The cat's meow. My little chickadee. Adam “Edge” Copeland is here with his lady friend Lita. There’s two stools on a black tarp and that can only mean one thing - wrestling talk show. Edge gets ready to bring out his very special guest. It’s that guy who kills Legends. It’s Randy Orton! Hey. Nothing you can say. Nothing’s gonna change what you’ve done to Randy Orton. That’s why he comes twirling out to talk with the Rated R Superstar. Edge begins by gassing up his guest’s ego. You’re mad awesome, Randall. Well, actually, you used to be mad awesome. Now you’re stagnant. You’re like boring and stuff. Hell, you’ve had great matches against a variety of opponents, but you’ve lost them all for two years straight! You dropped the ball over and over since 2004! Randy takes offense to this line of questioning and orders Adam to make his point or face the music. Copeland says that it all comes back to one solitary moment. There’s one thing that lead to your downfall. We go to the Titantron. As you read about in World Wrestling Insanity: The Book, that moment was when Triple H turned you baby face, Randy! Yeah! It was when he turned his thumb down and dropped you on your ass! Now, that was two years ago, Legend Killer. You think Hunter has changed his selfish ways? Nah ah. He did that shiart again last week! Check it!We then watch footage of Helmsley and his new old friend Shawn Michaels costing Edge his title shot against John Cena last Monday. What the hell!? Then what do they do? They make jokes! They screw over people’s careers and come out on Raw and make jokes?! Jokes!? Copeland tells Orton that neither one of them are jokes. It’s time to take a stand. Enough is enough and it’s time for a change! Mr. EandC and Mr. RKO need to take over Raw, not “some tired act from a decade ago.” So, what do you want to do, Ort? You want to fight Mr. Rated R or join him? Come on, boy. Edge can wait all night. What’s it gonna be, boy? Yes or no? What’s it gonna be boy, yes or no….? Fans chanted for an RKO, but Randy-boy's a heel, so that ain't happening. Cowboy Bob's kid tells the DXers that if they think they run Raw, he has two words for them - "No More!" (JG Note: Also, Jim Belushi's school policy in the epic film, The Principal.) Dandy Randy goes nose to nose with his new Canadian friend. Up next: Undertaker vs. John Cena. They fought a while ago, back when Cena was a heel and people were cheering for him. Commercial Break. The Geico commercials make me want to hurt geckos. That can't be the point, can it? 9. WWE Champion John Cena battled The Undertaker to a no contest. This match wasn't so great. It was slow and awkward at times. I can't really explain it. The whole thing was basic back and forth and the crowd cheered at certain times, but fell asleep at others. In the end, John picked up Taker for an off-balance F-U but dropped him. When Booker T and Big Show showed up to interfere, the referee couldn't wait to call for the bell. They were barely in the ring before the match was over. Following the ding ding, all hell broke loose. Ken Kennedy ran down, but was knocked out within three seconds. (JG Note: There's his appearance. Enjoy, kids.) After all the brands went to town on one another, John Cena ended up hitting a DDT on the Big Show and scoring himself a tap out. Jim Ross gives us all goosebumps by thanking us for our loyal viewership. No problemo, Jimmy-Jam. Our pleasure. Join us for Cyber Sunday! Hulk Hogan's not here! Rock's not here! Steve Austin's not here! Thanks for joining us! Fade to black... All in all... Not horrible, but not what I was expecting. Overall, it felt special, but not too special. It just sort of was. Three hours. three brands. No big whoop. Although the show could have been much worse, it still lacked a certain something here and there. It was definitely different and provided some interesting matches. Unfortunately, it felt like they could have done so much more. Jim Ross got goosebumps twice tonight. It must be cold in South Carolina. The commentary was interesting. I think everyone likes to hear some shooting now and then. You want to hear two guys go at it on live television and really needle each other. Things like that are beyond “real” or “fake.” Even if the hostility is over accentuated for dramatic purposes, when real things are being said, it makes a dent in a person. You can be Tazz and not get pissed at Layfield’s comments. Same the other way around and all up and down the announce table. That’s what makes it so interesting. That being said, there seemed to be too many commentators at times and you felt like you were on a conference call and had no idea how many people were on the line at once time. The Gamecock thing was lame. As I mentioned in the Insanity, I went to USC for a year. The Gamecock jokes are all over the place. I saw shirts that said, “Our cocks are up and coming. You can’t lick our Cocks and You can’t beat our cocks….and those were being sold on campus. The crowd was obviously burnt out on them. Regardless of the audience, Hunter’s juvenile penis-pun promo is getting old. It’s been old for a while. How many times is he going to do the same speech with different slang terms for male genitalia before he gets tired of it himself? Please, Hunter. Put the balls away. The Undertaker isn’t really all that great anymore. I’m not talking about his ring skills, either. I mean his character - the one thing that’s always been strong. They don’t do enough with him outside the ring anymore to make him seem like a chilling monster. I can’t help but think that the main event would have meant more had the Dead Man done one of his trademark promo-interruptions early in the night. IRS! That's crazy! Of all nights too. If this was any other Monday, no one would have seen that intro until after the show ended. Then you wouldn't have respect for my mad psychic skills. I definitely enjoyed tonight more than I enjoyed No Mercy...and that cost money. So I guess I would say that Raw was OK. The video packages and downtime weighed down a night that had a lot of potential and delivered on a few levels. I thought last year's Homecoming show was better. Be sure to check CLUBWWI.com tomorrow for Tom Prichard's Tuesdays With Tom Audio Report. Plus, we'll have word on this week's Radio Free Insanity in the next few days! I hope you guys liked tonight's Real Time Raw Insanity. If you did - great! If not, hey. You're wrestling fans. You're used to being disappointed now and then. Mallory will be back next week. Thanks for reading! Be Well!
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