Raw
Mallory Mahling's 10/17 Real Time Raw Report
By Mallory Mahling
Oct 17, 2005, 23:54

WWE Real Time Raw
October 17, 2005
Live from Sacramento, California
Aired on the USA Network

Report by Mallory Mahling

Raw was live tonight from the Arca Arena in Sacramento, California.

Just in case you'd forgotten, the show opened with a recap of the McMahon Family Reunion, which ended with Linda teeing off on J.R.'s privates.

Mister McMahon personally welcomed viewers to the show and he immediately started hyping Taboo Tuesday. He said he'd challenged Eric Bischoff to come up with an innovative and groundbreaking interactive main event.

McMahon complimented the missus on the class with which she'd fired J.R. last week. He said she'd appear live from Titan Towers later in the show.

"Boooo," responded the crowd.

And then he addressed the rumor about Stone Cold Steve Austin. Yes, he'd be on the show tonight, but McMahon might just have to kick his red neck ass before all is said and done.

"Asshole," chanted the crowd, which McMahon tried to twist into a lame joke about Sacramento. This was the first of many lame moments in the show.

McMahon introduced a video retrospective about Gold Old J.R. As you might expect, it included all those special Hallmark moments--the time Kane set him afire, the time he had to kiss a certain ass, and that nut shot from Linda last week.

McMahon then introduced the new lead announcer for Raw, Jonathan Coachman, who came out wearing a black cowboy hat. If ever anyone was undeserving of such a promotion, it's Coach.

He thanked Mister McMahon and then made some snotty J.R. references and said he was the Voice of the People. Yeah, right.

Backstage, Angle buttonholed McMahon. He wanted to know who the Number One Contender was.

Hurricane Helms suddenly swooped in to defend J.R. And Coach? What's up wit dat? (Notice how Hurricane always pops up when a major hurricane does?)

Angle attacked Helms and kicked him all the way to the ring for the first match.

(1) Kurt Angle vs. Hurricane Helms. Helms gave it a good try, but Angle got him in an ankle lock and Helms tapped out.

Your winner: Kurt "You Suck" Angle.

A camera was focused on the garage entrance, waiting for the arrival of Stone Cold.

(Commercial break)

Coach introduced his tag team partner, Jerry "The King" Lawler.

Backstage, McMahon was gloating like a maniac, with Eric Bischoff as his reluctant "yes man."

Bischoff managed to change the subject and said he'd thought up a Triple Threat Match for Taboo Tuesday. The qualifying matches tonight would be:

- HBK vs. Carlito

- Big Show vs. Edge

- 18-man over-the-top-rope Battle Royal, the winner of which would be the third man at Taboo Tuesday.

(2) Taboo Tuesday Qualifying Match: Edge (with Lita) vs. Big Show. The match started with Edge overselling a shove by Big Show. Another shove and Edge landed on the outside.

(Commercial break)

Returning from commercial, they were back in the ring and Big Show was in control.

Coach called Lita a Jezebel, and King reminded him that was something J.R. used to say. He's definitely a poor imitation.

Edge got Show in a submission hold, then Lita indulged in some double teaming. DDT by Edge and a near cover. This has been a really sloppy match, with Edge falling down before Show got to him. Edge tried to bring a chair into the ring, but the ref took it away. Then Edge tried to clobber Show with the briefcase. Suddenly JBL's music hit. Edge was startled, which gave Big Show the opportunity to pin him and win the match.

Your winner: Big Show.

WrestleMania 22 sold out in a nanosecond last Saturday. I hope those people they showed camping out to get tickets actually got some.

(Commercial break)

Edge and Lita were complaining to Bischoff about that JBL dirty trick. Who better to put a stop to the JBL nonsense than Edge, stated Bischoff. Especially since he started it. Edge hinted that he'd be on Smackdown Friday night.

Time for Carlito's Cabana. He'd be facing Shawn Michaels later tonight in a qualifying match. Carlito took a pot shot at J.R., too. Thankfully, Mick Foley's music hit and it shut him up.

Foley was in fine form, mocking Carlito's hair and saying it looked worse than his own. Moving on, Foley said J.R. might not be "cool," but he was Raw's best announcer.

Linda appeared on the TitanTron. It was supposed to be live and direct, but looked pretty dead and indirect. She said J.R. was going to have colon surgery tomorrow and she wished him all the best in his future endeavors. Oh, and don't bother to sue the company over any real or perceived injuries. Mrs. Mac was all heart.

"That's not cool," chanted the crowd. And they were right.

Carlito asked Foley how it felt to be uncool?

Foley referred to an ironic twist. He might not be cool or try to be cool (except for being cool enough to travel right here, to Sacramento, California), but it didn't matter. Carlito might be cool, but fans still think he's a horse's ass.

Carlito picked up an apple and started to take a bite. Foley spoiled his appetite when he said he thought Carlito might find himself getting beat like a government mule later tonight in his match with HBK. And that would be very cool, added Foley.

The Stone Cold Cam was still awaiting the arrival of Austin.

(Commercial break)

(3) Taboo Tuesday Qualifying Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Carlito. As Shawn Michaels started to make his entrance, Carlito tackled him on the ramp. That's not cool. Carlito was getting the better of the Heartbreak Kid. He went up top for a crossbody, but HBK managed to reverse the cover. It was now Michaels who was in charge. Low blow by Carlito, which changed the dynamic. Abdominal stretch by Carlito. Hip toss by HBK. They both fell out of the ring and as the ref went to check on them. the show went to...

(Commercial break)

Returning from commercial, Carlito was going for a cover. No luck. Carlito backed HBK in the corner and unloaded on him. Michaels seemed wobbly, but refused to be pinned. Carlito crotched himself on the ring post. An energized HBK landed an elbow on Carlito, but while he played to the crowd and tuned up for the super kick, he wasted valuable time and Carlito moved out of the way. The referee accidentally got knocked out of the ring by HBK. Carlito took the opportunity to get a chair, but missed his target. HBK played some sweet chin music (a duet with the chair) and the referee regained consciousness just in time to make the count.

Your winner: Shawn Michaels.

Before the ring could clear from the previous match, Ric Flair headed down the ramp.

(Commercial break)

Ric Flair was in mid-rant when the show came back from commercial. He had a big bandage across his forehead and was talking about how Triple H had told him it was time to retire. Au contraire, he said. He can still go with the best of them. He's 20 years older than Triple H, but can still drop a mean elbow on an Italian sport coat.

Just to add a little color to his promo, Flair pulled off the bandage and made his forehead bleed. ICK!!!!! He was a crimson mask and began to wipe blood on his shirt. (And the critics call UFC a blood sport--geez.)

Triple H and his mutton chops and his perfectly coiffed hair came out, and Flair pulled a baseball bat out from under the ring. Triple H ran like one of J.R.'s scalded dogs and Flair took off after him.

(Commercial break)

Returning from commercial, the Stone Cold Cam was scanning the parking lot.

Carlito insulted Maria and made her cry.

But what about Flair and Triple H?

(4) Trish Stratus, Mickey James, and Ashley vs. Victoria, Torrie, and Candice Michelle. Not a very good match. Victoria pinned Mickey James (who really ought to smack the cameraman who got an unflattering closeup of her getting pinned). Mickey gave Victoria a Stratusfaction after the match, hoping to impress Trish.

Your winner: The bad girls.

Not only did Stone Cold arrive at the arena, but he drove his pickup truck right down to the ring, knocking over whatever props might be in his way.

(Commercial break)

Austin said that through the good and bad times in WWE, the only sumbitch that had been his friend was Jim Ross. He told McMahon to bring his sorry ass to the ring. He wanted to conduct some bidness. He had 48 beers and could stay there all night if necessary.

Miss Big Balls came out to deal with Stone Cold instead of her dad. With the blonde hair, she looked (and acted) remarkably like her mother. This promo was poorly timed, with Stephanie talking over Austin, and Austin seeming lost at times.

Austin was about to give Miss Priss a spanking, but Coach stood up and stopped him. Austin threatened to give Coach a stunner. Stephanie stopped him and said he had an opportunity to get J.R. his job back. If he faced Coach at Taboo Tuesday and won, J.R. would be rehired.

Austin said he didn't trust her, but he accepted the match and toasted it with--what else--a beer.

Oh, and one more thing, added Steph...if Coach wins, then Austin is fired, too.

Austin showed her she was number one.

On his way up the ramp, Austin stopped off at the announce desk to mess with Coach. He poured beer into the black cowboy hat and dumped it on Coach's head.

That was a horrible promo. Austin seemed tipsy and Stephanie's acting sucked, for lack of a better word.

(Commercial break)

Voting for Taboo Tuesday will begin next Monday at WWE.com, explained Bischoff. He'd also added a Diva Fulfill your Fantasy match at Taboo Tuesday. What a surprise.

John Cena came out to watch the match. And annoy Bischoff.

Bischoff introduced Kane, who climbed into the ring to take part in the Battle Royal. Guess who's going to win.

(5) 18-Man Over-the-Top-Rope Battle Royal. This was basically everybody in the back. They'd just begun to mix it up when it was time for a...

(Commercial break)

Kane had eliminated Snitsky during the break. Viscera and Rosey had been eliminated and the ring was getting emptier. Eugene and Rob Conway were out, and so were Murdock and Benjamin. The Heart Throbs were double chokeslammed by Kane, and double-eliminated, too. Finally it was down to Kane and Chris Masters, who locked on the Master Lock. Kane unlocked it and dumped Masters over the side to take the win. What did I tell ya?

Your winner: Kane.

The End.

Finally.

This was not a good episode of Raw. Not good at all.

And what about Flair and Triple H? Call me picky, but if you're going to start something, finish it.

***

Write to Mallory:

Mallory@WorldWrestlingInsanity.com