Raw Theme Plays.

It’s time to go nutty, people! It’s time for Raw. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are way ahead of ya on that front. They’re stoked as a joke on coke over tonight’s card. The hottest talk show on wrestling TV, the Cutting Edge, will feature all three choices for Cyber Sunday’s showdown between Rated RKO and DeGeneration X. Vince McMahon, Eric Bischoff, and John Coachman will all take the stage on Copeland’s show. In fact, it’s ready to go right now. Orton and Copeland are already on stools with mics. Take it away, playa!

Edge and Randy Orton are sitting center ring with Adam’s theme song playing in the background. The Rated R Superstar is the first to address the audience. Know what today is? Why it’s Edgy’s birthday, bitches. Know what sucks about it? He has to spend it with all you crappy fans! It’s a thought that makes Copeland “throw up” a little in his mouth. Luckily, he swallowed it. Sucks when that happens. Seeing his friend choking down on his own yak, Randy steps in to lighten the mood. Hey Puke-o, check out this video clip from last week’s Raw. You know the one.

Video of: Randy Orton pinning Triple H with help from Eric Bischoff.

Edge loves that video. It makes him all warm and fuzzy. If you guys want to know more about Cyber Sunday, Copeland will give you that. Let’s meet the special referee choices for the RKO-DX Match. First…the man, the myth, the moody Eric Bischoff. Then, it's good ol' Option B - John Coachman Two down and one more to go. Edge gives the big intro to the chairman. Otherwise known as Option C (JG Note: Or DJ OP-C3PO to his homies), Vince McMahon.

Adam Copeland is grateful to his three guests. Thanks, fellas! You’re swell. Why don’t we all pretend that this is a real life election of something like that? Sound fun? It can be like a birthday game.  Now take the microphone and convince people why they should vote for you.

Eric Bischoff: His book is going to debut on the New York Times Best Seller List. It’s called Controversy Creates Cash. DX thinks they’re controversial, but they’re not! Bischoff is controversial! He’s super-secret, double, no whammy controversial. He was controversial before WWE was! Hell, even before Vince McMahon was. Bam.  Give me a C!  C!  Give me an ONTROVERSIAL!  ONNTROVERSIAL!  What's it spell?  Eric Bischoff!  Yay!

John Coachman: DX shows him no respect. Coachman responds by “begging” the audience for their vote. That’ll earn him some respect.

Vince McMahon: Won’t “pontificate” tonight. If chosen, he will give DX “the same respect” they gave him. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

McMahon also announces that Shawn Michaels isn’t in the arena tonight for “personal reasons” (JG Note: He lost his smile. He’s at home checking the seats of the couch.) So with HBK out of the building, it’s signed, sealed, and delivered. Triple H can face Randy Orton in a rematch…with Edge as the guest referee.

With that, VKM commandeers the Cutting Edge In a bizarre moment, he kicks Edge, Orton, and Bischoff out of the ring so he can “tend to personal business” with John Coachman. Big Mac is big mad over Coach’s handling of this Cyber Sunday dealio. Say brainless, don’t ya know what Cyber Sunday can do to Raw? John Cena could lose the Raw title to a non-Raw wrestler! What are you doing to train Cena for the match?! Huh?! After tossing out some lame ideas, Jonathon finally gives the right answer. What would you want to do, boss? How would you train the Champion? Who would you book him against?

Vinnie Mac refuses to make his own choice. Tonight's show is going to be interactive. Just like Cyber Sunday, the fans can choose who The Thuganomic Doctor will face here tonight on Raw! You heard it right.  With the big announcement made, Vince starts to give the choices and lets out the most telling line of the night:

“Will John Cena face the WCW World Heavyweight Champion, well, he used to be I guess. Now the World Champion, will it be King Booker?”
- Vince McMahon making a big slip of the tongue, 9:13pm

Wow. Smackdown=WCW. I could see how he’d see it like that. Lots of people do. Anyway, the other two choices are Big Show and John Coachman. Fans can vote for the Raw main event. Who will they choose? A graphic magically appears on the big screen, totally blowing any sense of logic from the “spur of the moment” feel that the Vince-Coachman exchange had. Anyway, the big beautiful graphic that they made in four seconds pops up on the Titan Tron and urges fans to vote now. Bah. Know the worst part of all this? I don’t really want to see Cena fight any of them. If they gave this:

OPTION D: Don’t have John Cena fight anyone.

I would probably vote for that one. Anyway, the fans whip out their cells and we whip out a commercial break.

Commercial Break. USA - Zombies Welcome.  I guess it's a cute Halloween thing.  I'm just hoping they don't give Vince any ideas.

Dear Jerry Lawler,

WWE

1. Carlito defeated Shelton Benjamin and Johnny Nitro in a Triple Threat Match.

Believe it or not, I think this was a well booked match. It was a good idea to put the three choices in the ring with each other at once and have Jeff Hardy play the champion-watching-his-potential challengers role. It was something different for him and one of the first times he genuinely came off like a genuine champ. These three worked together pretty well and executed some nice spots. There was a good amount of downtime, but the big moments got noticed. In the end, Cool caught Shelton and nailed him with the Backcracker. Shelly crumbled and suffered a pinfall loss. Don’t feel bad though. He’s used to it. They didn’t even tell him about the Halloween Party, remember?

Commercial Break. Cyber Sunday - The Stakes Are Up To You! Mmmmm…the steaks are up to me. Mmmmmm…Cyber Sunday.

Todd Grisham is backstage and he’s about to get ridiculed Rocky Maivia-style. His special guest is the WWE Champion John Cena. Hey there, C-Man. Are you worried about the WWE Title going on the line at Cyber Sunday? John thinks that’s all rubbish. You can’t predict the future, douchy. John doesn’t know what can happen. He doesn’t even know what he’s going to eat for breakfast tomorrow. What he does know is that Kevin Federline’s album is dropping tomorrow. It’s “the bomb.” He doesn’t mean good-bomb. He means literal bomb. According to the Champion, K-Fed’s album will be dropped overseas in hopes that our enemies will listen to it and kill themselves. Badaboomching. Now onto tonight’s ish. J.C. has a mystery fan-voted challenger for tonight. It's either Big Show, Booker T, or the Coach.  Say...who’d ya vote for, Todd? Huh? Who?! The Grish refuses to answer, claiming he wasn't voting on his cell phone.  Grisham claims he was texting his girlfriend.

“You like dudes!”
- John Cena, 9:33pm

Grish continues to deny he was texting his vote. Cena then takes it to another level and gets all Marine on his ass. Screaming in Todd’s face, he demands an answer!

“I voted for King Booker and I hope he beats your ass tonight!”
- Todd Grisham, 9:34pm

Nice.  It was like that famous anti-drug ad, "From you, alright!  I learned it by watching you!" After that, Cena gets really intense and screams about how he’s Frankenstein on PCP. He tells all his enemies to worry about him. This was actually John’s best promo in a very long time. He needs to tear the lid off once in a while and go nuts. Fans respect crazy wrestlers. They laugh about smiling corky wrestlers. The Champ came off great here and can thank his red-faced, eye-popping intensity for that. See? Kurt Angle’s Three I’s live on!

In another section of the arena, Torrie Wilson and Candice are trying to figure out how to text message. They want to vote for John Coachman to face Cena because it might be funny. (JG Note: So is John Cena vs. a drunken monkey. Doesn’t mean you should vote for it.) Anyway, Torrie breaks up the party to go and chase after Carlito, who’s untaping his wrists.

Side Note: You know what would be a hilarious prank? They should have a wrestler unwind the tape from his wrists and when he does, his hand should fall off. Then he could look in the camera and go “April Fools!” God. That would be awesome.

Anyway, Wilson wants Carlito Cool to know that she’s concerned about him. Ever since Trish left, you haven’t had anyone to kick it with. Carly agrees and sees the opportunity to get him some. He tells the Myspace Maiden that he could use someone to talk to and, you know, what not. Why not go out later tonight? T.W. runs off to slip into something more comfortable. Meet ya back here in a bit, Apple Ass. Al Wilson’s baby girl is gonna join you for a night on the town!

Cheesy Commercial Break. Why not? I like. It‘s nice.

2. Lita pinned Mickie James to earn a title shot at Cyber Sunday

Mickie James sat in on commentary for this one and wasn’t too happy with Lita. Jerry Lawler says that Leets is a rated “E For Everyone.” I laughed. They show photos of Maria from the upcoming WWE Magazine. Mickie pointed out that all this is serious business. It’s not about showing your hoo-hoos and ha-has in a shiny mag. It’s about doing the thing in the ring. Coming off completely not like a psycho, James took further steps away from her gimmick as she played the role of deep, philosophical student of the wrestling profession throughout the match. She called all the action as if it was a technical masterpiece and seemed just as unsurprised as we all were when Edge’s Rated E Hoochie nailed Maria with a DDT and scored herself a title shot at Cyber Sunday.

Fans, you can vote for the stipulation for Mickie-Lita at the pay-per-view. Choose either a submission match, no D-Q, or Lumberjack. It’s up to us! We make the show! Hey. Wait a minute. If we’re making the show, shouldn’t we get the show for free? Yeah, right? We should start a petition.

Commercial Break. I rented Bully for Playstation 2 and I have to say it was really good. It’s has the feel of GTA with a totally different backdrop. If you like that sort of open-ended stuff, you’ll like this.

Edge is on his way to the ring and he has a referee’s shirt on. It makes you feel bad for the real refs. Anyone can do their job as long as they have a shirt. After referee Copeland takes the ring, DeGeneration X’s Anthem plays and The Game steps through the curtain. Before the bell tolls, Triple H takes the microphone. Believe it or not, he has something to say.

“Are you ready? No! I said are you…”
- Triple H, 9:55PM

With that, he beats the piss out of Edge and flattens him with a Pedigree.

“I guess he wasn’t ready. Get this crap out of my ring!”
- Triple H, 9:55pm

We don’t have a referee! Oh no! What are we gonna do, folks? (JG Note: Better give someone else one of those magic ref shirts. That’ll solve the problem.) Luckily, Jack Doan comes to the rescue. Thank God for Jack Doan.

3. Triple H defeated Randy Orton via Disqualification

Jim Ross justifies Hunter’s assault on Edge by saying it was done to give him a fair shake. When Randy Orton arrives for the battle, he sprints to the ring and things go straight to fisticuffs. Trips tries for an early Pedigree, but the maniacal Legend Killer rolls out of it and heads to the outside. Once there, he throws a tantrum and returns to the ring. Eventually, Cowboy Bob’s kid took control and grabbed The Game to the outside. Ort went to town on the Cerebral One while the referee counted to seven…then took about an hour and a half to count to eight. Randall got back in the ring and knelt over a fallen Helmsley. Then he proceeded to hit some of the most ridiculous looking punches ever. It reminded me of someone pounding hamburger. Lawler and J.R. tried to make sense of it by saying that it was being done “out of frustration.” Frustration or not, Mr. RKO couldn’t stop Mr. Stephanie’s strategy. HHH targeted his opponent’s left knee and worked it over for most of the match. Orton came back from the attack by sending Trips into the ring post and then hitting a DDT. The fans chanted “DX” and it seemed to help their hero as he was able to kick out at two. Irate, Randy screamed that the count was three and then went to work on Hunter with some vicious shots to the head. The crowd then turned to a “Randy Sucks” chant. How did he respond? You guessed it - Chinlock. That didn’t last too long though. Before you know it, the easily predictable ending happened. Yup. Edge returned, Speared Hunter, and got his buddy DQed.

How can the Special Referee, chosen for the match, get DQed for running in? No idea. Don’t think about it.

Anyway, after the bell, Copeland, still clad in his ref shirt, double-teamed Triple H relentlessly. The Game came back briefly, but was quickly taken back down by The R Rated Superstar’s steel chair. Once the chair beating had commenced, Randy Orton took control. He laid the chair on the mat and set up the Gamy One for his RKO. He planned it. He saw it. He readied himself.

Triple H got to his feet. Orton jumped. He grabbed Triple’s head and came down for an RKO…but was thrown off and landed on the chair himself!

Duh. What a dork.

Edge saved the day, though. After all, he had the magic ref shirt on, remember? Adam ran in and nailed the King of Kings with a Spear. Bam! However, he underestimated Terra Ryzin’s healing power. Trips rolled from the ring and retrieved his sledgehammer. Seeing the roles reversed, Lita’s man ran from the ring like scaled red-headed step-dog.

Commercial Break. Dish Network - Pick your package. Pick your price. For an extra few bucks, Dish Network can pick your package for you, if you know what I mean.

Cyber Sunday is brought to you by Scarface…the video game, not the guy from the Half Baked movie.

Why Umaga Doesn’t Get Trick or Treaters

Ding dong…

Hrmph. Must not like candy. Guess I’ll go back to slaughtering this goat. MATAMAHHDAMAMADAMA!

4. Umaga defeated Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Hacksaw Jim Duggan is ready to help the “traumatized” Eugene get over his Umaga fear by facing him in a two on one match. Guess what happened. Gene ran away and hid at ringside while Duggan got himself Yokozuna’d. Umaga beat the holy hell out of him and left him laying in the ring. The Samoan Bulldozer has yet to face defeat in WWE...except, you know, when he was managed by Rico. Then again, he didn’t have a face tattoo then, so it doesn’t count.

John Coachman is getting in shape backstage for his maybe-match with John Cena tonight. Eric Bischoff approaches. Coach tells the new author that, speaking from experience, Cena ain’t nothing to mess with. Coach ain’t trying to hear that. Screw that noise, Easy E. That’s the old Coach! The new Coach is a man among men. In fact, peep that door there, son. See it? Good. Cause the next person to walk through that door is going to get punked! Well, wouldn’t you know it, the next man to step through was Ron Simmons. The Former APA walks right up to Coachman and John…runs away. Faaroq looks at him run down the hallway and says the catchphrase, “Damn!” Man. I really hope they don’t run this into the ground.

Commercial Break. Tomorrow night, ECW gets freaky with an Extreme Halloween. I’m sure Sci Fi fans are thrilled that their network is showing wrestling on Halloween. I’m a wrestling fan and even I’m a little pissed about it.

Ric Flair is here and he has a microphone. He’s also wearing a suit, so the chances of a sudden strip down are pretty high. Flair starts in on the hardsell for his tag team match this Sunday. It’s going to be the Nature Boy and fan-voted legend getting an undeserved tag team title shot against the Spirit Squad. Who can ya choose? Well, glad ya asked! You can pick from - whooo - any of the following three people. They are all “flagships” and have a personal history with Slick Ric. Want to meet ‘em? Good! Here come da Sarge. Here come da Sarge.

Sgt. Slaughter is out and he’s wearing his army outfit. Following Slaughter, Roddy Piper comes out and hugs Slick Ric, with a maniacal look on his face. Yee-haw! After that, we all put our hands together for the “’Mericccca-uuuhhhh-uuuuhhhhn Dreeeeeam…” Dusty Rhodes. Once on stage, Dusty gyrates to his music. Children all over the world cry. Following that, we go to the one by one promo power of all three men, asking for votes at Cyber Sunday.

Sgt. Slaughter: Calls Spirit Squad “Puke Squad.” Glad to see he’s still as creative as ever. He says he took no prisoners and orders us all to vote for him.

Ric Flair then asks the crowd, “How much rod can you take?” Wow. What an intro that one is, huh? It was as if Ron Jeremy inhabited the body of the former Horsemen for a brief moment.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Calls Spirit Squad “mean green fighting machine.” Points out that all the men on the stage were World Champions except for him. Asks the audience to do this for him in a way that sounds like he’s saying, “They got to do the World Title thing. You owe me this.” Then he kisses Dusty Rhode’s scary sweaty head.

Dusty Rhodes: Calls Spirit Squad “Five young athletes intent on chasing these old bulls down, know what I’m talkin’ ‘bout?” Mentions that he’s never teamed up with Ric Flair. (JG Note: Hey. Neither have I. Vote for me.) Then he dances. That’ll surely scare some people into voting for him.

Ric Flair loves it! He responds by tossing off his jacket. It’s always the first step of his strip show. Naitch’s music rings out, his face turns red, and the legends all hug. He even gives us a closing “Whooo” before stepping through the curtain where he’ll surely get naked.

Commercial Break. USA is playing Elf three days in a row. Three days in a row. For a TV executive, that’s equivalent to a teacher putting on a video and then reading a magazine during class.

Todd Grisham is backstage with Cryme Tyme. The evil babyfaces go ghetto style on Agent Whitbread and speak circles around him. Confused, Grish doesn’t even catch the duo unhooking the Raw TV monitor and stealing it. They run off with Vince’s merch and take it to the ring with them. Once the Boys in the Hood make it to ringside, they unhook the mini-monitor at the announce table and hook their stolen big screen up to it. It’s not a big deal, really. Everyone takes things from work. Some take pencils. Some take giant interview monitors. It happens.

5. Cryme Tyme defeated Viscera and Charlie Haas when Shad Gaspar pinned Charlie Haas

those What the hell is Charlie Haas doing with himself? Why is he wearing headbands? What the hell? I just don’t get what he’s going for. Anyway, this thing wasn’t about Haas or Vis. The tag team that started off with a Lillian Garcia beating-bang is now mere fodder for up and coming tandems. That’s what they were here. There was no stopping Shad Gaspar, who has gotten his last name back, and JTG. They nail Chuckie with their finisher, which J.R. calls a “Hit and Run,” and score a pinfall. Cryme Tyme wins! They lie, cheat, and steal!

After the bell, Shad and JTG took to the announce table and tried to teach Jim Ross how to do their homie handshake. He failed, but it was all good in the hood. The Crymies invited Jerry Lawler to step around the table and watch their replay on the big screen they stole. Lawler does and despite some technical glitches, they relive the magic. Then they all hug. Once Jerry returns to this seat, he remarks that his watch is missing. Kind of unfair to blame Shad and JTG. After all, J.R. has been sitting next to him all night. Anyone check Jim’s pockets? Huh? Sure. Blame the new guys.

Commercial Break. WrestleMania 23 is in Detroit. WrestleMania 3 was 20 years ago. Yes. You’re old. Me too.

Todd Grisham’s having a bad night. He now has to interview the wet and angry Triple H. Hunter tells Grish that he’s had enough of Randy Orton and Edge. Come Cyber Sunday, they’re not stepping into the ring with Triple H. They’re not stepping into the ring with Shawn Michaels. Nah. They’re stepping in the ring with DX! He then held aloft his magic sledgehammer and informs his foes that whatever they bring he’ll “bring bigger.”  By the power of Grayskull!  I have the power!

Hey. I have an idea for a gimmick. Let’s call Booker T, “King Booker.”

Awesome! Where’d ya come up with that?

Kevin Nash used to call himself that backstage in WCW.

King Booker is in the ring and the announcers don’t know if this means he won the voting or not. It becomes clear when Big Show comes out that we’re still waiting on the “last minute votes.” The last one to jog out is the choice that the company seems to have written the show around, John Coachman. With the hardest-working man on Raw, Todd Grisham, in the ring, all three men stand around and wait their fate. Playing the role of Ryan Seacrest, Grish teases the announcement for a moment and then unveils on the Titan Tron, your winner….

John Coachman by 74%. Figures. The irony of the whole thing is that before the announcement, Jerry Lawler guessed that no one would vote for Coach because it wouldn’t be a competitive match. Ha! You underestimate our desire for mediocrity, Jerry.

Big Show and Booker laugh at the result while John Coachman soils his nice new sweatpants, complete with “Coach“ on the ass.

6. John Cena defeated John Coachman via STFU Submission

Executive Assistant John tried to run away early but Marky Mark John ran after him. With the Coach reeling, Cena lead him to the ring by his ear. Unfortunately, he forgot about King Bookah and the Big Show at ringside. Biggie and the King took turns pounding on the Thuganomics Doctor and tossed him back to the waiting arms of the Coach. The baldheaded bad guy used the opportunity to tear into the WWE Champion with vicious punches. Just as all seemed dark for the Marine, he got his jolt of Frankenstein-power PCP. He kicked it up a notch and - bam - ended up hitting his F-U. The Prototype followed up with Erik Watts’ patented STFU and earned a tap out victory.

After the bell, Big Show and King Booker circled the ring while John Cena posed with his title. They go to one last quick sell for Taboo Sunday and close out with the WWE Champion. The World Champion and the ECW Champion can do nothing but watch as we fade to black.

All in all…a show that accomplished what it set out to do.

Not too much DX tonight. Sure, Triple H ended up looking like the strongest guy on the planet. Scores of kids are going to be talking about “how tough Triple H was on Raw last night.” Fine, maybe not scores of kids, but lots of them. Either way, that’s fine. The DeGen-RKO feud was kept to a respectable level. No DeGeneration X on Raw would be a bad idea, but too much DeGeneration X makes me fall asleep. A happy medium helps everything along and uses everyone to their best potential.

Vince McMahon’s position on Raw makes no sense. In fact, most of Cyber Sunday makes no sense. For starters, what do any of the special referee choices get for refereeing the match? Why do they care? What’s the point? I get that Vince might still be annoyed at DX, but what about Bischoff? It’s all just voting for the sake of voting.

Besides that, I don’t get Vince’s stance on Raw. It’s obviously his favorite. Although he also own ECW and Smackdown, so what’s the problem? Ironically, I think his slip about Booker T being the “WCW World Heavyweight Champion” is so indicative of what he must think of Smackdown. Don’t feel bad, Vince. We all do too. Blending the brands doesn’t help either. Now the World Champions are on all the shows. Doesn’t take long to make them boring real quick. Back in the olden days, champs would be on TV once a month. When they were, you flipped the hell out. I’m not saying you can have them on once a month. I’m just saying that 3 times a week might be a tad much.

Ron Simmons is getting to play the role of Louie from “The State.” You remember, the guy with the famous catchphrase, “I wanna dip my balls in it.” Even if you don’t, that’s the gist of it. Ron’s line is funny. I just hope they don’t overdo it. WWE tends to run their good material over and over again. It lessens the humor and turns a funny moment into one that makes you roll your eyes.

John Cena kicked ass tonight in his promo. About time he started getting into this thing. The goofy ah-gee look is ridiculous. He’s a young guy who’s built like a Mack truck. Be tough. If you need to pretend you’re a marine in order to do that, so be it. Just do it. You’re the WWE Champion. People want to get into your act. You just need to work a better act. If tonight’s promo is any indication, then Cena's definitely on the right track.

This show was supposed to sell Cyber Sunday. That’s what it did. Maybe you still don’t want to order it. So be it. I’m not saying they did a terrific job of selling it, I’m just saying they sold it. They put their best foot forward and did all they could to make this a pay-per-view you might be interested in.

The worst part? If you are kind of into it and thinking about ordering it…don’t watch ECW tomorrow night. They have their own PPV to sell. You might want to order that instead. I feel like the PPV monster is taking over the world and none of us are safe.

As always, be sure to check out tonight’s Raw Insanity Extra on Club WWI. Also, for those who have signed up for ClubWWI.com, don’t forget to check out all that the new site has to offer. Right now you can check out the unedited version of my interview with Corporal Kirschner. The undead soldier talks about WWE.com’s big mistake, drugs in wrestling, and much more. Plus, you get the full interview conducted with Nidia about her pregnancy, false stories that she had her implants removed, the real reason Linda Miles left WWE and more. Plus, you have the 56 minute discussion with Lisa "Ivory" Moretti, the 63 minute interview with Bull Buchanan, the shoot that I conducted with Disco Inferno and the entire interview that Tom with Bobby Eaton, but there's much more. Not only that, but you can access the complete, unedited exclusive interview with Orlando Jordan and the one hour interview with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, but you can hear all the archives from JG’s Radio Free Insanity. Going back to October 5, 2005, we’ve featured some of wrestling’s biggest names.

Also, if you haven’t heard this week’s edition of Radio Free Insanity, you can check it out by clicking the link:

The JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Cpl. Kirschner.

Plus, don’t forget that we’ll have Dr. Tom Prichard’s weekly audio show “Tuesdays With Tom” available tomorrow at ClubWWI.com.

Want to see what you’re missing? We’ve added a link for latest Club headlines to the top of the page.