Hey there, everybody! I’m back! Did you miss me? What? Yes. I was gone. What? For like a week! Sheesh! Thanks for the love.

Anyway, I’m back in full swing and it appears WWE is too. Following last night’s Survivor Series, there’ s a ton of questions waiting to be answered. Actually, not really. There’s a few. Will they be answered? Eh. Who knows? The sad thing here is that while I was gone last week, I didn’t check the Raw results. I basically said to myself, “There’s a pay-per-view on Sunday. That means Raw was probably like this.” I then pictured the show in my head. When I got home, I fired up the Tivo and there it was. The Raw I imagined. Splendid. WWE’s slogan used to be “Anything can happen in the WWF!” They should change it to, “You can probably guess what’ll happen in WWE!” Predictable or not, Monday night we had a brand-spanking new edition of the flagship McShow on USA. I watched it. Maybe you did. Maybe you didn’t. Either way, let me tell you all about the Insanity that took place. Pause your McMahon Vision 5000, put down your controller, and lend me your eyes for a bit. I gotta tell you about this show I watched last night…

Raw Theme Plays.

Pennsylvania, give it up for Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. The Cowboy and the King have spent the night pillaging your town and having their way with your women. Now it’s Monday and they’re excited as heckfire over tonight’s show.  The Hardy Boys see Raw tag action for the first time in four and a half years against  tag champions Randy Orton and Edge. Can they do it?  Can the Hardy Boys solve the big "Mystery of the Tag Team Titles?"  Stay tuned!

In the ring, right off the bat, is the Nature Boy Ric Flair. Ric is in his orange robe, which means he’s ready for business. (JG Note: Plus, he probably figures it’s easier to get naked when you don’t have to take off a belt and pants.) Naitch wasn’t happy about his post-match beat down by the Spirit Squad last night. What beat down? This beat down -

Video of Ric Flair getting beat up by The Spirit Squad. Flair’s team, all of which had just been in the ring with him, must have been backstage taking one gigantic group pee at the time.

Well, missing partners or not, Flair still can count on his boys. That’s why he’s calling out all the members of the…

Kenny! Mikey! Cousin Junior! Uncle Elmer! Lord Littlebrook!

The Spirit Squad show up on the ramp and do a cheer that no one can really understand except for the part about wanting Ric to retire. I’m not even saying that sarcastically. I mean it was seriously all garbled up. The announcers tried to guess at who Slick Ric’s partners would be as the Squad ran to the ring and confronted their challenger.

Cue Triple H and Shawn Michaels.

I said “cue,” not “cute,” you putz.

It’s DX! Holy God! It’s D-friggin’-X! Triple H and Shawn Michaels are all green and blacked out and ready to stand side by side with the man that Hunter tormented on and off for years. Once in the ring, DeGen takes center stage. Helmsley grabbed the microphone and expressed his Gamy displeasure at having to beat up the Cheerleaders again. In fact, Trips gets the crowd to agree that his feud with The S.S. has gotten lame. So, with the audience's wishes behind him, Trippy makes a declaration:

“I guarantee you this will be the last time you ever see the Spirit Squad.”
- Triple H, 9:08pm

I gotta say, I liked it better when Hunter was heel. At least then his I’m-really-in-control-of-the-show shtick was part of the gimmick. He was arrogant and made grandiose promises. Now when he does it, he just seems like he’s an on-air character who attends writing meetings. Given his gimmick, there is no reason whatsoever why he should be making a statement like he did with the Spirit Squad. The last time I remember someone saying that was Vince McMahon in 2002 about the N.W.O. Only difference - Vince owns the company. I don’t just mean in a real-life sense. I mean in a TV character sense. I don’t know. I just think it kills a lot of the mystique with DeGeneration X. It makes them look less like authority-hating pranksters and more like corporate tools playing forced roles created in an office. That’s not to say that the announcers treated Hunter’s announcement as law, because they didn’t. That was a good thing. Ross wondered if this could be the last time we saw the Squadron together. The match itself saw the outgoing cheerleaders score some on-and-off offense. They beat down HBK, but couldn’t hold off the power of the King of Kings. Helmsley ran in and did some damage before tagging in his former manager. When Ric Flair got into the ring, he had his DX buddies there to take out any incoming attackers. Once all the Spiriters were down on their back, it came time for the big finale. All three men locked in Figure Fours and scored a three-way tap out.

After the match, J.R. talked about what a privilege it was to announce the historic teaming of DX and Flair. For some reason, they sold it as ultra-emotional. Not sure why. I get that it’s rare. I just don’t know how wonderful it is to see these three team up considering they’ve worked together on and off for years.

After that, we take a look at home videos of the Hardy Boys when they were backyard wrestling teenagers. Great. Wouldn’t want Matt Hardy to get over or anything. It’s like, “Hey kids. Think The Hardy Boys are cool? Well, watch this!” I don’t know. I’ve always been under the impression that home videos from when you were 14 were supposed to be embarrassing.

Back live in the arena, Triple H and Shawn Michaels are backstage. Guess what they’re doing. Go on. Guess. Yup. Right you are. They’re putting all the members of the Spirit Squad in a big box. Then - in one of the most ridiculous things WWE ever did - DX stamped a mailing address on it…to OVW. When the delivery guy showed up, they did some more funny ha-ha stuff about the price of shipping. It closed with HBK signing Vince McMahon’s name and then letting out a fake tear. Terrible. What a waste of 2006 the Spirit Squad was, huh? Talk about throw-away TV time. Guess the joke was on us for watching them.

Over at the announce table, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler giggle over the burial of five guys who were just main eventing the show a few months ago. Speaking of events, ECW has an event this Sunday. Know who’ll be there? The Hardy Boys - that’s who! Even better, they’ve issued an open challenge to any team. Will anyone accept? You betcha! Let’s go to the K-Friend and his girly.

Johnny Nitro and Melina have heard the Hardy Challenge and are prepared to accept. Who will N be teaming with, though? M, of course! That’s right. Joey Mercury (JG Note: aka the Stuff In The Thermometer guy) has returned and he’s ready for action. With his fresh new dreads, Merc joins forces with his former teammates. December To Dismember: MNM vs. The Hardy Boys.  As the interview comes to a close, Melina mentions that MNM's appearance at DTD will be "one night only."

Mickie James is here to do commentary for the next match.  It's a five woman battle royal.  Whatever.  That's nothing.  A lot of people at home probably saw more women than that brawling at Macy's the day after Thanksgiving.

2. Victoria won a five Diva Battle Royal

I forgot that there’s only six women in the division. Subtract the commentary girl and you get five. This one followed the basic battle royal template except that there was no over-the-top-rope rule. Once a woman touches the floor, she’s out.

1. Melina by Victoria
2. Torrie Wilson by Victoria
3. Maria by Victoria
4. Candice by Victoria

Candice is playing the Trish Jr. gimmick now, but simply couldn’t hold off the power of Victoria. After getting the victory, Vickie got in Mickie James’ face and then beat up Candy some more for fun. Mickie let her opinion be known in regards to her future opponent’s mental state:

“People say I’m psycho, but this beeotch is straight up crazy!"
- Mickie James, 9:39pm

Jim Ross and His Highness then show another Hardy Boys video. This time around, it’s an early Hardy tag match against Kaientai. It seems good because, unlike the video from earlier, they’re not 14 and jumping around in their yard. However, just before the segment ends, J.R. mentions how during that time period the Hardys made their own wrestling clothes. So…uh. Yeah.

Retro Commercial Break.

Fresh off of shoving a big piece of wood into his fromer friend’s throat, Eugene is here and he looks somewhat concerned. Maybe it’s because his former friend is coming to the ring to beat him up.

3. Eugene pinned Hacksaw Jim Duggan after a neckbreaker

As this one started, Eugene seemed to plead, but quickly turned evil with a slap. Duggan responded by pummeling him. The crowd responded by sitting silent. (JG Note: Wow. I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want to cheer the beating of a mentally handicapped guy.) So, you’d think that maybe when the handicapped guy got on offense, they’d cheer that, right? Nope. Nothin’. Instead everyone stared stunned as Dinsmore finished off Hacksaw with a neck breaker. Yawn.

After the bell, Eugene took the microphone and told the fans not to make fun of him. Then he screamed. Basically, it’s like Muhammad Hassan’s gimmick only with mentally handicapped people instead of Arab-Americans.

Guess who’s walking around backstage? DX - that’s who. Wouldn’t want to not get that on camera. The duo runs into Dusty Rhodes and Arn Anderson. All exchange pleasantries and the DeGenerates invite them out for a night on the town. Ric Flair will be along later. He’s just killing midgets with a hammer showering. Now what does a night on the town entail? Shawn Michaels explains that it involves ginger ale, of course. Ha ha ha. He’s so Holy. Fortunately for our drunken horny legends, Kid Heartbreak’s word isn’t Gospel here. Triple H made that clear as he leaned in and said he had two words for the American Horsemen - “Booze” and “Broads.” With that, we go to Ron Simmons, who magically appears like the Great Gazoo and says the famous catchphrase:

Kid Dy-no-mite!

Stiffel, you dingbat.

Doh!

Damn!

With that, everyone runs out to go get them some.

Up next: The Cutting Edge with a “Very Special Guest.” Phew. I thought it was gonna be one of ‘dem ratty crappy guests.

Commercial Break. ECW has a pay-per-view this Sunday. To be honest, I sometimes forget that ECW has a TV show.

WWE 24/7’s This Week In History: Test’s marriage to Stephanie McMahon ends in horror when Triple H crashes the party. That was seven years ago. Two out of those three people are all still doing the same basic gimmick they were then.  And the one who isn’t….ehhhh, I liked her gimmick back then better.

It’s time to Cut us some Edge with the R Rated Superstar. The Cutting Edge set is all prepared in the ring (JG Note: Two stools.) As Adam Copeland takes the microphone, everyone sits in excitement over the specialness of his upcoming guest. However, before we learn who the guest is, we have to listen to his anti-DX rant. They beat those stupid buried OVW cheerleaders again! Bo-ring! It’s sorta like how Copeland has made a career out of beating the turd out of the Hardy Boys. Cha’ know what? It’s going to happen again and it’s going to happen tonight! Adam promises to dedicate Rated RKO's victory over Matt and Jeff to his ex-manager Lita. Awww. Now with all that out of the way, let’s get tonight’s guest out here pronto!

But alas. No one comes.

So Edge asked again.

Bring forth my guest!

But again, no one comes.

So sad.

This sends the former WWE Champion into a tizzy. He threatens to walk off the show over such incompetence. In fact, just now backstage before the fake talk show thing, Edge was chatting it up with Randy Orton and…

Did someone say Randy Orton? Say no more. The Legend Killer is here. From the side of the ramp, Mr. RKO tells his partner in crime that his guest is ready. Ummm, one problem though. Randy’s gonna need you to come back here and make a positive ID. Apparently the guest’s either dead or asleep or half beaten to a pulp. We’ll have to see for ourselves.

Up the ramp trots the valiant Canadian. When Edge finally makes his way to the black curtain, he peers his head in like Jesse Ventura during the Madusa-Missy Hyatt bikini showdown. He and Orton then reach in and pull out the special guest by his legs.  It's...it's...

Oh my God!  Ric Flair fell asleep in a bowl of tomato soup again! Oh my God! Ric Flair must have gotten so tired and just fallen over in his lunch! The horror! The…oh. Wait. That’s blood. Nevermind. I thought that he, you know, maybe he was tired. Instead he’s just all bloody. Rated RKO must have beat him up.

In fact, Rated RKO must have hacked him to death with an axe. He looked really destroyed. Then came the kicker. DX isn’t coming out to make the save! Ha ha! Knowing that the DeGenerates had left the building, Edge and Orton called them out. When Hunter and Michaels don’t show, the tag champs saw it as a chance to send a message. How did they do this? Well, first they put Ric Flair’s head on a chair and then took turns giving him Con-chair-tos. The shots didn't look great, but the camera angles were pretty good.  The point got across and you knew that you were supposed to be witnessinga big deal.

As Flair gushes all over a steel chair, Ross mentions the irony of his friends being unable to save him because they're away at a party in his honor. Man that sucks. Like 10,000 spoons on your wedding day stuff. Black fly, chardonnay.

Commercial Break. Rocky Balboa. I can’t wait. I don’t care if it’s terrible. It’s Rocky Balboa!

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are still upset about what happened before the break to Ric Flair. J.R. says that he wants to say what’s really on his mind, but can’t or he’ll be fired. (JR Note: “This show is laaaaaame!”) He gets so upset that he accidentally calls Rated RKO “DX.” The King corrects him and then jumps from announcer King to wrestling King.

4. Jerry Lawler pinned Chris Masters after interference from Carlito

This is still a feud? Splendid. I was gone for a week. I figured it’d be over by now. No such luck. I just don’t see how this can possibly benefit Chris Masters at all. There’s no rub from all this. He’s not attacking the announcers at their booths. He’s not on some sort of crazy spree against J.R. No. He’s just a guy that has matches with an old man every week for no real reason. Now before you go crazy about the “old man” crack, remember this. Masters isn’t built like a regular 23 year old kid. He’s built like a guy that would eat a regular 23 year old kid. He’s getting pretty big again and when he’s side-by-side with Jerry Lawler, who’s sort of built like a man his age should be built, it looks ridiculous. It looks like a big strong Adonis that can’t beat an old man. It’s just silly. Masters doesn’t like silliness though. That’s why he slapped on his Masterlock and prepared to put the King of Memphis to sleep.

Old men in Full Nelsons? That’s not cool.

Oh yes. Carlito Cool is here and he’s eating his favorite fruit. As he approaches the ring, he takes a big bite and spits it into the face of the Masterpiece. Christopher stumbles. Christopher falls. Uncle Jerry picks up a pin.

Commercial Break. Hardy Boys Moment: The Hardys vs. Edge and Christian in a ladder match.

The Steelers are in the front row. They’re from the No Fun League.

Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada are in the house and Mando doesn’t want to tell us his name, I guess. Instead he opts to show us footage of how Maga went apeshit on everyone in his Survivor Series match. Big Lalo runs down the list of men that Umy has destroyed. With all the victims in the past, it’s time for the Samoan Bulldozer to be the Samoan Bullchampion. So, John Cena is on notice. Hear this, beech-ass, the undefeated Thumb Man is challenging you for that spinning thing you carry around! What do you say?!

SHABA-DOOOOO!

John Cena is here but you can’t see him because his time is now. The Marine salutes us all and then steps between the ropes to go face to face with his new nemesis. In front of a much more receptive crowd than usual, The WWE Champion accepts the challenge. Umaga grimaces with his big silver teeth in approval.

To answer the silver teeth grimace, Cena removes his cap.

Maga answers this by growling with his big silver teeth.

To this, John removes his shirt.

Armando finally backs his protégé away. Thank God. I didn’t know what John Cena planned on taking off next, but he didn’t have too many choices left.

Commercial Break. ECW - Let The Bodies Hit The Floor! Hey! I gotta clean that floor! What’s wrong with you? That’s not right! You’re like a crazy person with the bodies hitting the floor. Now go upstairs and put your big pants on!

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are back at ringside and it’s time to go to another Cryme Tyme skit. This time around, it’s a take-off on the Michael “Kramer” Richards rant last week. Nick Berk (JG Note: Credit Mike Johnson and PWInsider.com for that one) played the role of Richards and imitated the internet video complete with a bleeped out “N” word. That’s when Cryme Tyme arrives and chats with him a bit. They even teach him their handshake. Then, when he’s lulled into a false sense of security, they knock him da frig out. With Fake Kramer dead on the ground, CT is now free to do their gangsta-inspired act. They cap it off by stealing his wallet! NICE! These guys are great. I can’t wait until they debut.

Wait. Hold on. They did debut, right?   In fact, they were pseudo-feuding with Rated RKO as of last night. Now they’re doing vignettes again? Wonderful. Regardless of how we feel, Jerry Lawler likes it. Then again, he also once said that he wished he could go back to grammar school so he could see little girls in uniforms (JG Note: Honest. Taboo Tuesday 2004.)

Backstage, Jeff Hardy is stretching when he’s confronted by Edge. Copeland stretches his gums on the Hardy Boy and insults both him and his brother. Hardy disagrees, which prompts Randy Orton to appear. Seeing this, Matt Hardy suddenly shows up. This fight’s gonna happen tonight, King. You can bet your m***erfu**in’ ass that this one’s gonna be slobber knocker, folks!

Commercial Break. You know, I’m really thinking with this Rocky thing. Why can’t we do another Karate Kid movie? He can fight all the 16 year old kids, but he’s like 38. Some of those kids are probably pretty small. I think Daniel LaRusso can take them at this point, right? I know there won’t be a Mr. Myagi, but I’d still love to see Ralph Macchio kick kids in the face for an hour and a half.

Monday Night Raw - January 1, 2006 - Kevin Federline vs. John Cena. Oh yeah. They still doing that, huh?

Jeff! Jeff! I can’t believe this!

I better go lay down.

5. The Hardy Boys defeated World Tag Team Champions Rated RKO via disqualification

This was a good main event and had a special feel to it. It was great getting to see the Hardys perform a lot of their old school double-team moves. Ross and Lawler talked up a lot of history and records. They mentioned how this was Edge’s 12^th tag title reign, which is pretty sick when you think about it. The fans seemed into the match and Matt seemed genuinely excited to be there. However, their opponents weren’t about to roll over. The R Rated Superstar thwarted a jump from opposing turnbuckles by pushing Jeff off and into the ringside barricade. After that, he nailed Matt Hardy Version People Care About Me Again with a Spear. All looked dark, but luckily his brother broke the rules, ran in, and made the save. J.R. conceded that it was illegal, but still thought it was great tag work. Tag work don’t mean squat, though, when you have a title belt slammed across your head. That’s how Lita’s boyfriend got his team out of certain defeat here. When all looked dim and Jeff nailed Randy with the Swanton, Copeland took the opportunity to hit him upside his green head with the Championship belt. Needless to say, Jim Ross was beside himself.

“They’re dirty bastards are Edge and Orton and I’m sorry to say that here in the holiday season!”
                           - Jim Ross, 11:03pm

Well, I concur. Hopefully Santa isn’t watching.

The tag champions then hold up the tag belts and we all wait for DX to run out so we can close the show.

But DX doesn’t run out.

Jim Ross says they’re not here.

Oh my God. That’s right. They went out with Dusty and all dem.

Can they end the show without DX in the ring?

How?

With Randy Orton and Edge holding aloft their tag gold, that’s how. There a show ends with people besides DX.  Now we can all stop complaining. 

J.R. reminds us that DeGeneration X will be back next week as we fade to black.

All in all…okay. It was what it was.

I feel like half the roster is over 40 now. How did that happen? You have a ton of “legends” getting TV time, yet…

Five young guys who were main eventing your show for months end up being “sent to OVW” in a box on TV as they end the gimmick? Who thought of that? After all the time that was spent making this team what it was, this is how they ended it? There were thousands of better ways to get a pay-off on the end of this stable. To simply disregard all of them and figuratively laugh in the face of the audience that paid to see them when they were pushed is insane. It was just a bizarre and stupid thing to do. It’s the type of thing you can’t undo.

Also, I wonder how worried WWE was when they heard the reaction for the OVW label. After all, Ohio Valley isn’t advertised on Raw each week. The people who know about it obviously read the internet or some other resource that goes more in-depth on WWE than they do on TV. So much for the Internet being a small portion of wrestling fans. To be fair though, when that statement was originally made, it was. Then all the non-internet people left. So we’re what’s left. Hooray for us. We get to watch male cheerleaders get put in a box.

Now that I got the bad point out of the way, let me hit some good ones. The Hardys Reunion is great. I don’t care that Matt’s on Smackdown. I don’t care that ECW has no set superstars on their brand anymore since everyone’s on their pay show. I don’t care about the logic holes. All I care about is the fact that the fans are going to get to the Hardys vs. MNM. It’s the type of tag match that can do wonders for WWE’s tag division. It’s MNM’s first match together again. It’s the Hardys first tag match on pay-per-view in however many years. It’s a big deal and has a good chance of living up to expectations.

Ric Flair’s luck sucks. You could tell by the camera angles on the conchairto that WWE plans on using the clips in the upcoming weeks. Funny how they’ve turned Ric into the DX inspiration. He makes them tear up and get warm and fuzzy. A little while ago, he was getting hit with sledgehammers. Now he’s loved. Damn.

Victoria is the new alpha-female badass, eh? Works for me. Now make her lick the other divas on the face again. That was great.

The awkward Eugene turn has been horrible too. It’s uncomfortable and gets more silence than heat. People don’t want to boo someone they feel bad for. They don’t want to cheer his beating either. While I get that he might not be a traditional “heel” in the sense that they want him booed, I don’t get why they would want matches in stunned silence.

So there you are. Not a terrific show, but not the worst…well except for that OVW Box thing. I’m still shaking my head on that.

I just want to take a moment and wish “Rowdy” Roddy Piper all the best in his fight against Lymphoma. On his website, Roddy announced that he was diagnosed with the disease after a biopsy. The Hot Rod has always been a hot button in the business, but he’s also always been one of the most entertaining people who has ever been associated with it. Piper’s a fighter, though. If anyone can beat up a disease, he can. Get well soon, Roddy.

It’s good to be back in the US and A this week too. As I mentioned this weekend, ZAH did an awesome job of keeping content up on World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI.com. Also, all the writers on the site delivered big. The funny thing is that I wasn’t even worried while I was gone. I knew that everyone at the site would have things under control.

Before I left for vacation I taped a ClubWWI.com exclusive audio interview with Kamala The Ugandan Giant. Kamala and I discussed why he refused to job to ROH Champion Bryan Danielson, his match with Umaga, why he feels Umaga stole his gimmick, and much more. It’s Kam’s second appearance on our site. His Radio Free Insanity appearance from January is available on ClubWWI.com along with the rest of the show archives.

I’ll be back tomorrow on the Club with another edition of Dr. Tom Prichard’s weekly audio “Tuesdays With Tom.” Coming back from a week off, something tells me the Good Doctor is going to have plenty of material to discuss.

That does it for this week. Keep an eye out for this week’s Radio Free Insanity guest announcement. Be well and thanks for sharing the insanity!