Mallory Mahling
Mallory Mahling Reports From: Christmas at TitanTowers
By Mallory Mahling
Dec 20, 2006, 09:19

Happy generic winter holiday to you!  Hope you’ve got your politically correct tree decorated and are eagerly awaiting a visit from that jolly ol’ break-in artist who will bring you lots of crass, commercial gifts on Holiday Eve.

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WWE—never an organization given to political correctness—recently held its annual Christmas party for the office staff.  TitanTowers had been specially decorated for the occasion, with a brightly lit display on the front lawn which featured an inflatable Santa mooning the passersby.  Actually, that had been a point of contention all month long in the City of Stamford.  For some unfathomable reason, citizens had been offended by the adult nature of the inflatable figures on display.  WWE’s legal team had used every loophole at its disposal to keep Mister McMahon’s Santa’s Ass visible for all to enjoy.

Guests began to trickle in for the party.  Most invitees preferred to arrive fashionably late.  Not that being fashionable was so important, but arriving late kept the amount time they’d have to be there to a minimum.  Old timers knew these parties always ended the same way.  Badly. 

The Divas were all dressed like Santa’s helpers and were greeting the guests.  Since the Divas’ roles are being redefined after the retirements of Trish and Lita, Stephanie thought that having them be hostesses at the party would give them something to do.  Besides, they needed to do something to earn their pay.

The buffet table was festively decorated, with tasty hors d’oeuvres and lots of delicious-looking pies on the dessert table.  Why so many pies? some guests wondered, not knowing pie is a staple around WWE, in one form or another.

There was also an open bar, which was very popular.  Nothing like a good buzz on to make this party tolerable.

Then it was time for a visit from Santa.  As always, Jerry “The King” Lawler had volunteered for that gig and he enjoyed the attention he was getting as Jolly Old St. Jerry.  All was going just fine until a high-pitched shriek could be heard over the din, followed by a lot of commotion.  Seems he’d pinched one of the new secretaries who’d sat on his lap.  She’ll learn, said those in the know.  Sexual harassment lawsuit, the pinchee was thinking to herself. 

To calm things down, the Divas got busy serving dessert.  Victoria, who doesn’t like to be messed with under the best of circumstances, had been in a snit throughout the party.  When Torrie accidentally bumped into her with one of the pies, Victoria…well…pie-faced Torrie with a coconut crème one.  Torrie returned the favor with lemon meringue.  The fight was on, with all the Divas participating.

Ho, ho, ho...I love it when a plan comes together, McMahon was heard to say as he watched the food fight with a twinkle in his eye.

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The foregoing was simply a fanciful account of WWE’s holiday party (although sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction).

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Merry Christmas, everybody.  And thanks for reading.  I’ll see you back here next week.