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In hopes that fans would spring for the Carlito wig and tee shirt package and other over-priced costumes available at ShopZone, WWE declared that tonight's show would be "Monster Bash." (Although they invited the Anaheim crowd to come in costume, not a whole lot of folks seemed to take them up on the offer.) So, with sincerest apologies to Bobby "Boris" Pickett, let's get in the spirit and sing along: I was working in the lab late one
night, What sort of monstrosity...err...sports entertainment did WWE have for us tonight? For one thing, lots of sales pitching for "Taboo Tuesday." After all, this may be Halloween to most of us, but to WWE, it's Taboo Tuesday Eve. *** Jonathan Coachman (dressed as a redneck) and Jerry "The King" Lawler (in full royal regalia) welcomed viewers to the show. Out first was Eric Bischoff and Chris Masters. Masters said he had a special challenge for a Smackdown superstar. Theodore Long came out with Rey Mysterio to answer the challenge. Masters made some short jokes, but wasn't prepared for ass-kicking Rey-Rey unleashed. This was all an excuse for a Raw vs. Smackdown pier six brawl. The Masterpiece even got 619'd. Teddy Long promised more embarrassment tomorrow night at Taboo Tuesday. (It should be noted that Christian was a part of the Smackdown portion of the brawl.) (Commercial break) Back in the Raw locker room, Eric Bischoff was furious at his contingent for their poor performance in the brawl. (1) Kurt Angle vs. Tajiri. Suffice it to say that Kurt won with the ankle lock, although Tajiri gave it his best shot. After the match, Angle talked some trash to Cena. Of course, Cena came bursting out of the crowd to add his two cents. (Commercial break) Next came a look back at the history between Ric Flair and Triple H, ending with Triple H's comment that he'd taken Flair out behind the barn and put him out of his misery. Flair "whooed" his way out to the ring. "No way," he said. Flair said he was praying for a cage match between the two at Taboo Tuesday. (This was your cue to vote.) (Commercial break) (2) Rob Conway vs. Eugene. Eugene was fired up and was in control of the match early on. Conway backed Eugene into a corner and pounded on him. He pounded one time too many and Eugene started to channel his HulkaHero. Rock Bottom from Eugene, who thought he had the win. Nope, said the referee. However, the diversion allowed Conway to grab a chair and waffle poor Eugene with it. But Hacksaw Jim Duggan came to Eugene's rescue, along with Superfly Jimmy Snuck and Kamala. Superfly flew off the top rope and landed on Conway, then Lawler wanted to get in on the action and jumped off the top rope, too. The King was wearing a creepy Burger King mask. Meanwhile, Coach was yammering about Stone Cold. Todd Grisham, dressed like Harry Carey (but looking more like George Washington in a baseball jersey), attempted to interview Gregory Helms. All he got for his trouble was a dirty look. Mick Foley walked by and Grish stuck a mic in his face. Foley said he had a surprise for Carlito and then complimented Grisham on his Church Lady costume. (Commercial break) Carlito was in the ring with a message for whichever Foley persona he'd be facing in the ring at Taboo Tuesday. The only face that mattered was the face of Carlito...blah, blah, blah. Who should appear on the TitanTron but Dude Love. The Dude would not have mercy! Cactus Jack said he could not guarantee what he'd bring to their match at Taboo Tuesday. Bang, bang! Mankind said he would make Carlito bleedo. And he'd be bringing Mr. Socko. Have a nice day! Coach had more important fish to fry. He called out Stone Cold. And that was the bottom line, because Stone Cold Coachman said so. The nerve. (Commercial break) Coach was in the ring, still calling out Austin. He said Austin probably smelled a rat. Then Stone Cold Coach called out the person who would be in his corner on Taboo Tuesday--Goldust. But the Rattlesnake still didn't come out. Mister McMahon came out instead. He said Stone Cold had been involved in an accident over the weekend and he would not be at Taboo Tuesday, nor would he be at Raw tonight. McMahon could not vouch for the validity of the alleged accident, but decided to go ahead and declare Coach the winner of the Taboo Tuesday match. However, Coach, the number one Raw announcer, would be competing at Taboo Tuesday against the number one Smackdown announcer, Funaki. (I was hoping it would be Tazz.) "Git 'em, Funkai," said McMahon. Once Funaki hit the ring, Goldust pounced on him and threw him to the outside. That seemed easy, so Coach got crazy brave and said he could beat a bigger person on the Smackdown roster. Little did he expect that Batista would come out. Big Dave headed to the ring with purpose. Lawler said the Coach just wet his pants. Goldust started to pound on Batista, too, and was making the champ look weak. Not a good idea. Vader came out and attacked Batista. While Vader held Batista, Coach bitch slapped him. The bad guys headed up the ramp (after Vader, who's put on a few pounds, fell on his butt getting out of the ring). Coach, Goldust and Vader vs. Batista at Taboo Tuesday? Are they nuts? (Commercial break) Highlights from the recent Raw tour of Australia aired. It was time to play the Game. It's all about the Game and how you play it, ya know. Coach reminded viewers that the polls were open. Hint, hint, hint. (3) Triple H vs. Viscera. This match had been scheduled last week, too, but Flair had interfered before it even got started. Thank goodness they scheduled a rain date. Ugh! Triple H rained lame looking punches on Big Vis, then gave him a Pedigree and got the 1-2-3. The match lasted about a minute and the kids ringing my doorbell for tricks and treats were more entertaining. Your winner: The son-in-law. Just to add insult to injury, Triple H picked up the 700 pound ring steps and bashed Viscera over the head with them. Viscera fell over the guardrail and squashed the entire front row. Triple H said he would not be held responsible for what he does to Ric Flair at Taboo Tuesday. He doesn't want to do it, you understand, but he HAS to do it. Because that's who he is. Whatever that means. (Commercial break) They showed the ratings for Raw, and, of course, Coach took credit for the number ones they'd accumulated. (Dream on.) The Church Lady...err...Todd Grisham introduced John Cena. Cena thought he was Barbara Bush or Beethoven. Anyway, Cena gave Grisham his opportunity to shine. He failed miserably. Cena took the mic to discuss his match with either HBK, Big Show or Kane. He never backs down and he never quits. "The Champ is here," he said, "and at Taboo Tuesday, the championship stays here. And if you can't see that, then you can't see me." (Commercial break) (4) Texas Tornado Match: The Heart Throbs (dressed as Batman and Batman) vs. Big Show (dressed as a cave man) & Kane (dressed as a Big Red Monster). (The way things have been going tonight, it wouldn't surprise me to see Romeo and Antonio beat the giants.) What it turned into was a "whatever you can do, I can do better" match with Big Show and Kane trying to outdo each other at the expense of Romeo and Antonio's body parts. You winners with double choke slams and double pins: Kane and Big Show. Time to vote for Cena's opponent at Taboo Tuesday: Big Show? Kane? Or HBK? (Commercial break) Clips were shown from the recent Taboo Tuesday press conference in San Diego. The King was giddy at the prospect of the next segment--a diva fashion show consisting of Halloween costumes. All the costumes (except for Victoria's) were wardrobe malfunctions just waiting to happen. Ashley was Dark Angel. Maria was an angel with a halo. Mickie James came out dressed as Trish with a fake title belt. Trish Stratus came out as Wonder Woman. Candice was cat woman. Victoria was a baseball player. The King asked Mickie about her Trish costume, and the adulation seemed to creep Trish out. Voting started on who had the better Halloween costume and Mickie got in a snit because the audience wasn't cheering for Trish. It turned into a prissy cat fight with some of the lamest ring action. Ever. (Commercial break) (5) John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels. HBK offered his hand in sportsmanship, then slapped Cena with it. HBK with a wrist lock to Cena. Cena took control, and HBK slid to the outside to regroup. With HBK back in the ring, Cena was getting his share of chops. The crowd was chanting for Cena, but Michaels had him in a submission hold in the center of the ring. Cena began a comeback and countered HBK's hold. The two stood and traded, then Cena with a series of clothelines. Cena tried for the F-U, but HBK was having none of it. Clotheslines from HBK, who went up top and came down to find no one home. Both were out on the mat. Kurt Angle ran out and started stomping on Cena and suplexing HBK. As Cena was going to F-U Angle, HBK played some Sweet Chin Music off Cena's chin. Michaels picked up the title belt, looked at it longingly, then dropped it on Cena's chest. Two hours of this show was bad enough...and they expect people to pay $35 to see more of the same tomorrow? *** Write
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