Heat
The Heat Report: The Last Heat EVER...........
By Saad Naeem
Jan 4, 2007, 11:02

Hey guys and gals. Welcome to the last edition of the Heat Report. Wait. What? Did I say last? Yea but more importantly is that a smile on your face? You want me gone don’t ya? Well, ha ha to you cause when I said last I meant last of 2006. Fooled ya didn’t I. It doesn’t matter thought cause it’s not April Fool’s Day. It’s HAPPY NEW YEAR! So toss out that calendar and put up the new one cause 2007 is in the house…soon. But 2007 better be scared cause 2006 was the shiznit. WWE gave us some pretty memorable moments in 2K6 and this past week they showcased them on TV. We got to see the best of ECW on Tuesday and the best of Smackdown on Friday. But what about Raw? Monday night was Tribute to the Troops. So when can we show the best moments of Raw? That’s where I come in. What better place to relive the best of Raw 2006 than Heat? No other place that’s where.

Before we get to our first match, our host Todd Grisham isn’t Todd Grisham. Yup the man had a visit from Ty Pennington cause he got an Extreme Makeover. He cut his hair and grew a light beard, all in one week. He looks exactly like Test, who also got a new look. He wants to know what you think of it so he gave out his e-mail address. Todd@wwe.com. I know that I’m gonna e-mail him and tell him “You look like crap.” But let’s move on to the first match of the evening.    

Match 1: Jeff Hardy vs. Johnny Nitro for the Intercontinental Title (Nov. 20 RAW)

Whoops left out the most important part in the title. It was a Ladder match! Yup the hottest mid-card rivalry of 2006 went at it in a pretty damn great match from what I can remember. Recap starts off with Nitro lying on a ladder and Hardy climbing the top rope. He goes for the Swanton Bomb but Nitro moves so spine meets rungs and Jeff’s in pain. They skip ahead to when Johnny pulls out another ladder from under the ring. Both men look pretty beat up as Nitro nails a neckbreaker. Then he picks up a ladder and clocks Jeff in the ribs with it. Johnny sets it up in the corner but regrets it cause Jeff Irish whips Johnny Metro right into it. Then Jeff climbs the original ladder to get the title but Johnny is on his tail. Both man battle at the top but Jeff sends Nitro to the floor with a sunset flip powerbomb. The crowd goes nuts but Melina is about to cry. Jeff Hardy gets up really fast but Nitro seems knocked out. Hardy positions the ladder in the corner and nails his patented leg drop off the top. It was a sight to see. Then Jeff does the smartest thing anyone in a ladder match can do. He puts the ladder over a fallen Nitro, trapping him underneath. He climbs the top and retrieves the title as Nitro screams in fury.

Winner: Jeff Hardy

You gotta give it up for this kid Jeff. He has to fight in ladder matches, steel cage matches, on Raw, ECW, and Smackdown. In singles action, in tag matches with his brother Matt. At December to Dismember, Armageddon, and Iraq. This guy falls off ladders, goes through tables and gets his face rocked by Umaga’s ass. Now who the hell else in the WWE has to put up with that? Nobody that’s who. So from me to you Jeff Hardy….Thank You.

Cena vs. K-Fed promo. I hope the white wannabe rapper wins.

Match 2: Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair I Quit Match at Summerslam         

What a great rivalry. I remember it like it was yesterday. “Give me a match you fat bastard.” “I’ll never waste a match on you, you washed up piece of crap.” The promos between these guys were un-friggin-believable. But ultimately Foley gave in and Summerslam was where these two beat the holy high hell outta each other.  The tagline for this one was “May one of us bleed to death in Boston.” Before the video loads we are reminded “The Following is rated TV-14 for language and violence, parental discretion is advised.” Don’t you miss when wrestling used to be TV-MA? Hell there ain’t nothing TV-MA left on basic cable anymore. Stupid Janet Jackson. Why I outta…

So because of the “language and violence” I have to watch this video in black and white. (Note to self: Destroy the FCC). Recap starts off with both legends bleeding quite profusely and Flair wacks Foley in the face twice with the barb wire bat. Then he punches the hell outta Slick Mick and grabs the mic. “Quit you son of a bitch or I’m gonna tear your heart out.” Damn. Now that’s why I watch wrestling. Flair then grabs a handful of Mr. Socko (it’s not on Foley’s hand) and Mankind winds up on the apron. Flair grabs the barb wire bat, runs to the apron and clocks Foley with it. That sends the mickster crashing through a trash can on the outside. The dude seriously flew over the mat and landed on the ramp. That looked like it really hurt. That brings out a couple of trainers and Foley’s good friend and soon to be betraying Jezebel Melina. Trainer says Foley’s done and ref calls for the bell. But this pissed off the Nature Boy who grabs the mic and says “This isn’t a fall on your fat ass match, it’s an I Quit Match. Get back in here Foley.” Then he jumps out the ring and tosses Foley back in. He grabs the barb wire bat and scrapes it across Foley’s face. “I’m gonna take your eye out your head.” Melina screams and begs Flair to stop to which he says “I’m gonna kill you too, bitch.” (Note to self: Don’t ever mess with Ric Flair. He will kill you.)

Flair takes the bat and just grinds it into Foley’s skull. I mean he is twisting it and turning it and damn even Foley’s arm is bleeding. Melina starts crying and literally throws in the white towel. She begs Flair to stop it and the ref even rings the bell. But Flair could care less. He says she does not quit for him, he quits for himself. Flair is a man possessed and Foley is a dead man. He grabs the bat and swings for Melina but before he can connect, Foley takes the mic and finally utters the words “I Quit.”

Winner: Ric Flair

Holy Shit. I wish I was in Boston to see this match live cause damn that was something special. These two guys laid it all on the line and just beat the holy high hell outta each other. For WWE standards that was quite a vicious match. If I ever need a 60 year old man on my side for a street fight, I know who to call. I’m just sorry they didn’t show us the whole match.

New Years Revolution Promo. Not really digging it yet but hopefully it’ll be good.

Match 3: John Cena vs. Edge for the WWE Title in a Steel Cage (October 2)

This was the last match of the great rivalry between one John Cena and Edge. The face of the year vs. the heel of the year one last time….until Tribute to the Troops, but that’s a different story. In Cena’s hometown of Boston Edge won. In Edge’s hometown of Toronto Cena won. Who’s gonna win in Bobby Lashley’s hometown of Kansas?

They play this out like one of those PPV hype videos so it was quick. We have dramatic music in the background and JR saying things like By Gawd, Cena’s a Horse. Okay he didn’t say that but that would be cool. They show both Cena and Edge brawling on the ropes. Edge gets punched a couple of times and Cena clocks his head into the cage. Then Cena bulldogs Edge off the ropes. It was awesome. But later in the match Edge pays him back with a backdrop off the top on Cena. The music now is just Dum, Dum over and over again. Then we get ready for the 5 moves of doom. Fast forward to Edge slamming Cena’s head into the cage and then going for an electric chair. Cena jumps off and gets Edge in position for the FU but Edge reverses and gets him down with a Edge-O-Matic (sitout rear mat slam). Edge tries to escape through the door but Cena grabs his feet. Lita comes around and hands a chair to Copeland. But Ms. I Quit the WWE gets ejected for her actions. Back in the ring, Edge climbs the top but on his way down he missed Cena and catches the ref.

Edge grabs the chair but Cena snatches it away and clocks the Rated R Superstar with it. Locks in the STFU but ref’s knocked out. Out comes the Red Neck Wrecking Crew and nail a screwed up High-Low on the WWE champion. They drag Edge’s carcass toward the cage door but out come our good buddies DX. The men in Green proceed to beat up Cade and Murdoch and the rest is history. Shawn superkicks Murdoch into the cage door which hits Edge in the head and sends him right into a spectacular FU by John Cena. 3 seconds later, the champ retains his title.

Winner: John Cena

This was a great way to end what I believed to be the rivalry of the year. But where one cage door closes another one opens. This ended the Cena-Edge rivalry but was the seed for the plant that grew into DX vs. Rated RKO.

Last Segment: Triple H’s Cock Talk

Dear God. If you thought DX was done with cock jokes then think again. Triple H interviewed the cock that is on the “Vince Loves Cock” shirt and man the video was filled with lots of sexual innuendo. I’m not gonna repeat them so if wanna know about it go see the video yourself.

All in all, Heat was friggin awesome. I got to see a Ladder match, a cage match and a damn great I Quit match. But of course leave it up to DX to ruin a perfectly good show. You know what Triple H, you’re a big cock. There I said it!

By the way, I’m gonna be a special columnist on ZAH Shakin’ My Head next Friday so be sure to check that out.

Thanks for clicking the link and I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. My e-mail address is Naeem920@gmail.com or you can hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. My username is Naeem920.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Heat.  Seeya next year.