Hello there. Are your sides still splitting from Rosie O'Donnell's fixation with Fudgie the Whale? Good. That was the idea. It also means your threshold for entertainment is pretty low, so you'll be happy with tonight's festivities. What will become of John Cena now that the K-Fed jobbin' champion has doubled his threat from Armando Estrada? Can the Doctor of Thuganomics hold off both the Samoan Bulldozer and the…uh, whatever he is…giant? Considering he couldn't beat Kevin Federline, who's like 150 pounds, I'd say no. As for the future of DX…is there one? With Shawn Michaels defending his middle-aged sophomoric honor against Rated RKO, can DeGeneration X survive? Does anyone want it to? Does it matter if they don't? Probably not. So, there you go. Grab a Fudgie cake, tear your quad, and get ready to suck it. It's Monday. It's 9pm. And we got two words for you…Raw! Uh…hang on. Monday Raw. Yeah that works.
WWE Video honoring Martin Luther King Jr.
Da….da…da….dum….Da….da….da…dum….
SHABADOO!
Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross are here! We are kicking it live here from Cajun Country and tonight we're starting things off with John Cena and his big contract signing with Umaga for the Royal Rumble! Yes! Umaga will sign the contract. He'll…wait, what? Umaga's signing a contract? Shouldn't he beating eating the contract? Isn't that his gimmick? He's writing? He's signing? What?! If there's any logic in the world, Maga will devour that contract in one gulp and then stab everyone with the pen.
Anyway, we have some signin' to do/ The Coach greets the WWE Champion in the ring and announces the entrance of his opponent. He's the A+ #1 Penmanship Champion of his island…UMAGA!
Umaga shows up and immediately bulldozes over his chair. With the crowd chanting, "Cena," John Coachman drops a bombshell. He decided to add a stipulation to this match at the Royal Rumble. In the interest of (un)fairness, Johnny has deferred the decision of match type to Armando Alejandro Estrada. That's right. The Bulldozer's manager is making the choice.
"The type of match I've chosen makes fluke wins impossible. John Cena, in two weeks at the Royal Rumble, you're going to defend the title in a Last Man Standing match."
- Armando Alejandro Estrada, 9:05pm
Eh. Wasn't that the first match on the TNA pay-per-view?
Estrada tries to sell it a bit, but it feels like a letdown. I wish it was some sort of boil-you-alive match. That would be friggin' sweet.
Anyway, it's signing time. In a mini-bait and switch, Armando signs on behalf of Umaga. When it comes time for John to sign - surprise, surprise - he has something to say. The Champ is against the idea of signing for a Last Man Standing Match with a monster. He'd have to be crazy to sign this!
Luckily, Cena is in Daffy Duck mode tonight. Go crazy? Don't mind if I do! Hoo-hoo! Hoo-hoo! The Marine signs on the dotted line and then tells his foes that he is full of surprises tonight. On that note, he leaps over the table, flattening Jamala and Greasy in the process. John closes out the contract signing by smashing Armando with his patented F-U.
Umaga and Estrada have been destroyed! Cena walks up the ramp with his title in hand. The Champ talks smack as we fade to…
Wait. We don't fade to black. This is the start of the show. It feels like the end. Maybe that's the theme. Maybe they booked the show backwards. Could be fun. Hmmm. Shawn Michaels vs. Rated RKO is still to come, by the way. So, stay tuned. Don't change the channel. Seriously. Don't make Jim Ross have to beat yo' ass.
Commercial Break. Hey man, John Cena likes the Subway because he gets more meat. What? He likes going to Subway and getting meat. Ew. No wonder he gets booed.
1. Jeff Hardy and Maria defeated Johnny Nitro and Melina when Jeff pinned Nitro
The gimmick here was that Maria can't wrestle. She's not a fighter. She's a fool. Then, after she gets tagged in, the surprise is that she knows what she's doing. Hooray for her. I always hated mixed-tags. The rules always change and, for the most part, it's usually not inter-gender. In other words, the men fight each other and the women fight each other. If a man is in the ring with a woman, he has to tag out. I always found that ridiculous. Why not just have two singles matches then? It makes no sense. There's no reason for them to be on a team. That being said, this one was alright. It didn't go on too long and featured some good action. In the end, it was glow-in-dark Emo Boy hitting his Swanton Bomb on Johnny Nitro. Three seconds later, Hardy cuts another line in his win column.
Backstage, Vince McMahon is chilling in the leather couch room with John Coachman. It seems that Mr. McMahon isn't as Mr. McFamous as he McThought he was. Vinnie is trying to get Donald Trump on the phone, but seems to be hitting some roadblocks. It appears that the people at Trump don't know who the great Vince McMahon is. Then, when he finally gets done spelling his name, VKM is told that Donald is unavailable. He's eating his meal at the Golden Globes. (Donald Trump Note: That fat pig, Rosie O'Donnell, eats. She eats with her big fat mouth. That's why she's a loser. Hi Kelly.) McMahon insists that Trump return his call as soon as possible and hangs up. In an awkward moment, Coach appears to notice the suddenly humbled chairman.
(JG Note: This was one of the strangest segments in a while. I mean that in a good way. Vince really put himself out there and mocked his own D-List fame. In the wrestling world, Vince McMahon is king. In the outside world, Vince McMahon is the Don King of a fake sport. It was funny and commendable to see him acknowledge that, show humility, and poke fun at himself. If Vince would have taken the same stance when Eric Bischoff was first signed, he could have made a lot of money. )
Commercial Break
We’re back and Rated RKO are here. Randy Orton and Edge stand on the stage as DeGeneration X's music starts to play. The crowd cheers…but stop when they realize the song has morphed into the sound of a heartbeat flatlining. In case we weren't sure, Randy confirms it and plays it again. It's really high pitched and I think my ears bled a little bit when they played it. Maybe I can sue for that. I can sue for punitive damages that they're giving me.
What follows the ear-bleeding beat is a prolonged promo from the World Tag Team Champions. The gist is that Triple H is out of action and that's good for him. He has it easier than Shawn Michaels is going to have it. That's right. They're gonna mess that boy up! Orton gives the microphone to Edge while he goes backstage to "check on something."
Graciously, Edge in his matching cut-off bowling shirt vest-thing starts to explain what will happen to Shawn Michaels. Then, he too stops. He needs to check on Randy Orton.
Edge runs backstage and, alongside Randy, drags Hacksaw Jim Duggan onto the ramp. Apparently they shot him in the face. OH MY GOD! They shot him! You bastards! Wait...maybe they didn't. It sure looks like they did, though. He looks dead. His mouth his bloody and he hasn't moved. Rated RKO gloats over their apparent murder and tell Shawn Michaels to watch closely.
Watching?
OK. Hold on.
Now watch.
Watch….watch me. Watch this!
BAM!
Jim Duggan gets the Con-Chair-To from The R Rated Superstar while The Legend Killer keeps the officials at bay. Ross and Lawler scream that Shawn Michaels isn't even at the arena yet. Hacksaw, who is now clearly dead, lays in a dead heap on the ramp. We all worry about Jim's well-being while J.R. wonders what lays in store for Shawn when he arrives. Hmmm. I'm guessing something with chairs and punching.
Commercial Break. I found this on IFilm. I don't really know what to say.
2. Ric Flair pinned Kenny Dykstra while holding the ropes for leverage.
This match was nothing to sing about. The announcers have gotten to the point where they talk about Flair as if he was retired. It's good ol' days and all that stuff. When they start talking about what people used to say about you during your matches, it's time to take a prolonged vacation. In the end, the old dog still had a few more tricks up his sleeve. Slick Ric used the ropes for leverage and scored a shocking pin over the young Dykstra. Kenny was incredulous. Us too.
Oh, and by the way, where were you, Ric Flair, when Jim Duggan got beat up? Huh? You were in the building. You weren't driving to the arena like Shawn Michaels. Where were you, buddy? Huh? Nice. Now you know why no one came out when it happened to you. You gotta give a little, to get a little, Naitch. Karma.
Smackdown Rebound: Mr. Kennedy is facing Batista at the Royal Rumble. I guess they're saving Mr. Wizard for WrestleMania.
Shawn Michaels is in the house. HBK meets up with Todd Grisham as he hobbles through the backstage hallway. When Grish brings up Jim Duggan, Michaels shrugs it off. He feels bad for Jim, but this ain't about Hacksaw. Shawn has one partner and one partner only. (JG Note: Marty Jannetty? Kevin Nash?) That man is Triple H.
Vince McMahon is on pins and needles waiting for a ring from his man-crush Donald Trump. Donald still hasn't returned Vinnie's call. Coachman tells the chairman that it could be because his phone battery is dead. McMahon has no problems with his batteries. He knows why The Donald isn't calling. Trump knows the deal. There's heat. There's heat because of a letter he wrote Vince McMahon a letter that said this:
"Dear Vince,
As a life-long fan of WBE, I feel compelled to comment on last week's Rosie O'Donnell-Donald Trump skit. I found the skit poorly-produced, inane, lame, and quite frankly not up to your standards. It seems to me your audience would rather watch exciting in-ring action with today's WBE superstars rather than a poor attempt at comedic satire. I'll be watching this Monday and on behalf of WBE fans, we hope that you'll give us the brilliant sports entertainment we've come to expect.
Very Truly Yours,
Donald Trump"
(JG Note: I'm not joking about WBE. That's what Vince read three times during the letter. I couldn't tell why. I think he was just reading too fast.)
Mr. McMahon then reads the end, which he calls, "Vintage Donald." It's an ad for the Apprentice. Coach, giddy about the show, tells his boss how great it is this season. Disgusted, Mac tells his man-servant to zip it. If Donnie T wants compelling television, he'll get it. Vinnie hopes Trump is watching this next segment because there's some compelling TV on the way! Oh no…
Commercial Break. Gotta be honest. I didn’t watch the commercials here. I was too busy living in fear of what Vince McMahon was going to give as "compelling television."
Vince McMahon is here and he has something to say to his viewing audience. With a mic in hand, Daddy Mac takes center ring and touts the success of his Rosie vs. Donald skit last week. Since so many people enjoyed it, let's take a look at it again.
Replay of Fake Donald vs. Fake Rosie. It was just as I remembered it.
Everyone boos. To respond to these boos, McMahon plays it again...in slow motion.
Slow Motion Replay of Fake Donald vs. Fake Rosie. It was just as I remembered it...only slower.
Vince says that he isn't like Donald Trump. Mac doesn't listen to his audience! He tells them what they want…and they like it! (JG Note: Oh no. Is this whole Trump-McMahon feud going to be based on the fact that Vince does crappy skits on his shows? Uh oh. That means we're going to get lots more crappy skits. God help us.) With that, McMahon hits the Trump Card hot button and brings up "Miss USA." That's the thing that started the whole Rosie feud, right? Donald forgave her. Vinnie wouldn't. With that, the insane chairman calls out "Miss USA" to the ring. Jim Ross says he thought she was in rehab.
Guess that doesn't matter because it's not the real Miss USA. It's the former Mrs. Kidman. Torrie Wilson. Wilson comes out and walks down the aisle like a kidnapped beauty queen while Vince growls at her to enter the ring. Once she does, the boss forces her to read her index card.
"I'm Miss USA and I've been a very bad girl. What can I do to make it up to you, Mr. McMahon - America's Favorite Billionaire?"
- Torrie Wilson, 10:01pm
With an evil eyebrow cocked, ahem - for lack of a better term, Vinnie Mac tells Torrie that he likes the sound of that. In fact, he thinks…
I spit in the face of desperate pleas for mainstream attention.
Yup. Carlito is here. The man with the golden fro is on the scene and he has something to say to his boss. It may hurt, but…
"Despite what you think, you…you're not cool. I mean that thing with Rosie and Donald last week was bad. Really bad. No, it sucked. And this thing with Torrie, even though she does look beautiful, is brutal! Trump was right about you. You don’t know what these people want. If you did, you'd know that they don't want to see stupid skits. They don't even want to see you talk. What these people want to see. They want to see people fight."
- Carlito, 10:04pm
This is like bizarro night. I expect Vince McMahon to start melting at any moment. Where is this coming from? It's as if Vince has finally come to terms with his World Wrestling Insanity. Anyway, Mr. McMahon decides to freak out and challenge Carlito to a fight. Oh, but not with Vince. No, no, no, Chiapet. You don't fight the chairman. You'll fight this man…

3. Great Khali defeated Carlito in a pseudo-non-match thing
Khali beat up Carlito. That's about the size of it. He never got a pin or anything. He just sort of beat up the Apple Man until Vince raised his arm in victory. I guess that counts.
After the match, McMahon took the microphone and said, "Now that's cool" as Jim Ross laments about poor Torrie Wilson, who had to watch her "friend" Carlito get his butt kicked. I hate that they call him her "friend." How old are they? 11?
Commercial Break. The Marine is on DVD. You can get the rated version or the unrated version . Too bad they don't make a "good movie" version.
4. WWE Women's Champion Mickie James pinned Victoria
I feel like there's a lot of female wrestling on the shows lately. I don't have much of an opinion on it yet, I'm just pointing it out. There was still the obligatory girlie stuff. Mickie spanked Toria at one point, but that didn’t last long. Vicki came back and tossed the Champion to and fro. After the beatings didn't do it, Vick decided to try and split James right up the middle. She threw her to the mat in a split position and then tried to tear her legs apart. As this was going on, Lawler asked Ross if he ever pulled his groin. Nice. Injured gentiles aside, Mick still came back in a big way. She used her thrust kick to the face and finished off her Pizza-Selling challenger with a 1,2,3.
Commercial Break. This is the "most star-studded Royal Rumble" ever. I have no idea what the hell that means.
Chris Masters ain't dumb. He's just special. He's special and he's on the microphone. Chris Mooses his way through another promo about his Full Nelson. The Masterpiece informs us all that no one can break his Masterlock. Oh…oh…and guess what. G'awn, guess! Mr. McMahon signed a piece of paper that says because of outside interference in Iraq, his Masterlock was never officially broken! (JG Note: I expected him to be like, "YAY! Masterlock - UNBROKEN! YAY!") So now if there's anyone in the back that wants to take a crack at the Mosterlack, bring it on down. Chris will snap you like a…
DAMN!
Ron Simmons walks up the aisle in his black jeans and Damn shirt. Upon seeing the former WCW Champion on his doorstep, Chris backtracks. He didn't mean you, Ron. He meant someone else. You know, those other people. Not you. You're cool. You're…
Punch.
Masters hits the mat and it appears we have a challenge. Ron takes a seat and allows the rapidly-growing Masterpiece to put on his Full Nelson. After a few moments of struggling, the move is broken….but it's not Simmons who did it.
It's Super Crazy! The mini-man is and going loco! He delivers some dropkicks to Masters and celebrates. The announcers wonder why Crazy has shown up. What's his reason? As Super walks up the ramp, he says, "For Mexico!" I guess that explains it. He did it for Mexico. Mexico hates Full Nelsons.
Seeing the fallen enemy of Mexico on the mat, Faaroq delivers the only line that feels appropriate. You know what he says. Come on. You know….he says the D-Curse.
Commercial Break. Toyota is a smart way to keep moving forward. Know what's a bad way to keep moving forward? Doing the moonwalk.
WrestleMania 22 Recall: Rob Van Dam wins the WrestleMania 22 Money In The Bank Ladder Match. He goes on to use it, win the titles, get busted, lose them both, disappear for a while, return to a dilapidated non-brand on life support, and fight the kid from Smackdown for the belt again. Wow. That story didn't end well.
Todd Grisham, Ace Reporter, standing by backstage, folks. Ric Flair looks like he's been shot in the face. That's right. He was found on the floor of his dressing room. Who could have done this? Was it Rated RKO? They're the face-shooters around here. Rumors have it that Randy Orton and Edge were the last ones seen in the vicinity. We'll keep you up to the minute as this story unfolds. Thank God for Todd Grisham. He has the courage to report the things that CNN and Fox News won't.
5. JTG pinned Shelton Benjamin after interference from Shad
This one was just filler. Nothing more. Nothing less. I'd love to know the point of giving Cryme Tyme a tag title shot "somewhere in the future," if they're just going to waste time week after week. At this rate, they probably would have earned a title shot in the amount of time they waited to get the one they just earned on PPV. Jerry Toowiliger Gaspar scored the victory thanks to help from Big Shad. Benjamin had JTG up for a power bomb, but Gaspar swept his leg. Shelly fell and three seconds later, Tyme had stolen yet another win. Let's all cheer the criminals! Hooray!
Super Sleuth Todd Grisham has just learned that Ric Flair is being rushed to a medical facility. All of this right before Shawn Michaels' big match with Rated RKO. Hey, there's HBK now. Shawn! Grishy has a question! But before Todd can ask it, Michaels stops him. He tells the interviewer that if tonight's DX's last hurrah then he's going down in "a blaze of glory." The Boy Toy threatens to take down everyone around him too. He closes his interview out by kicking Grisham in the face and then doing crazy eyes.
Commercial Break. Go on, Jarred. Give John Cena your meat. Don't make him hurt you.
Video Package of Triple H's surgery. Ew. We get a rare look into his knee…literally. Pretty gross. Hunter vows to fight through this injury. He threatens to once again return to the ring.
Rated RKO is here and they're not injured. They're fine. Orton and Edge make a grand spectacle of themselves and mock DeGeneration X's entrance skit. Before they can get all the way it, though, they have a better idea. Vince McMahon has ordered all the security guards, including the big Amish Roadkill guy, to confiscate all the DX signs in the crowd. Get 'em!
With that, the security confiscate DeGeneration X signs en masse. Fans who don't comply are threatened with ejection. (JG Note: That's a good way to endear yourself to the fans. Threaten to throw them out of your show if they don't comply with your silly angle. "Wait! My kid made that sign!" Screw you, mark! Get OUT!)
J.R. wonders what RKO will do next. We'll have to wait until after the last commercial break to find out. I stand by my prediction that it involves chairs and punching.
Commercial Break. If you eat at Taco Bell, you can date Carmen Electra…and get E Coli.
When we return, Jerry Lawler says that the fans are irate over their signs being confiscated. He calls the scene crazy. Speaking of crazy, there ain't no one crazier right about now than the Hunter-less Heartbreak Kid. He's here. He sneers. Get used to it.
6. Shawn Michaels defeated Rated RKO via Disqualification
Michaels spent a good amount of the open taking it to both men. He held off the challenge, but even the announce team admitted that once Shawn got tired, he would have to crumble. Still, HBK stood his ground. In one of the best moments of the match, The Boy Toy mounted Edge and started punching him like Ralphie from A Christmas Story . But nothing last forever. Just like cold November Rain, Michaels loses the advantage and ends up getting busted open. (JG Note: It looked like a blade job that went a bit low. Shawn had a nice gash across his forehead and by the match's end, half his hair was red. Sick stuff.) In the end, things came to a crashing halt when The Heartbreaker got his second wind. Michaels made a big comeback and even managed to nail Copeland with a top rope elbow drop that hurt them both. After a few convulsions, the Showstopper regained his composure and went for the Sweet Chin Music. Tough luck, Chuck. No go on that. Orton ran in and Adam hit his Gore Spear. He laid Michaels out and got a chair from the ringside area. That's when the ref called for the bell.
After the match officially ended, Edge appeared to set up Shawn for the Con-Chair-To. He put his head on one chair while he rose another in the air. The DXer kicked his legs up and smashed The R Rated Superstar's chair…right back in his face. Copeland fell. Randy ran in and found himself drop toe hold…ed? Drop toe holded? Is that right? Drop toe held, maybe? No idea. Anyway, grammar aside, Shawn Michaels don’t need no good English to win a war. Nah. He just needs a little help from his friends.
Well, his friend's sledgehammer, that is.
Shawn Michaels, bloodied and battered, uses the hammer to clean house. once he does, he places Randy Orton in the Con-Chair-To position. With Edge watching helplessly from the ramp, Orton took a vicious chairshot to the skull. (JG Note: Uh oh. He had problems with concussions for a few weeks back in like 2005, right? Remember that? No? Don't worry. Neither does WWE.)
Jim Ross swears that DX isn't dead and cheers on the prevailing Shawn Michaels. Three cheers for Shawn! Hip Hip…Hooray! Hip Hip…Fade to black.
All in all…Weird. Very weird. Not all that interesting, but definitely weird.
So let's see if I have this right. Vince McMahon is aware of how bad he's made his shows? He's so aware of it that he's actually built his whole Trump feud around it? It's just so bizarre. For a guy that rarely admits his shortcomings, he's now using his shortcomings as angles.
On a side note, between this whole Vince-Trump thing and the VooDoo Kin Mafia in TNA, it's amazing how many storylines are being created that are all based on the fact that Vince McMahon likes to do stupid storylines. It's ironic on so many levels.
I thought tonight's show as a whole was kind of a snoozer. There weren't too many magic moments. Sure Cena opened things up with a big segment and HBK did his all-alone smileless gimmick, but there still weren't any major angles. It just sort of rambled on. I really have nothing to say at all. I was completely indifferent to this show. With the exception of Vince McMahon admitting that his shows are stooooopid, nothing here was all that interesting or exciting - either in a good or bad way.
I guess it's all just biding time until the Royal Rumble. That's when we get on the Road to WrestleMania. Right now we're on the driveway, heading to the Road to WrestleMania. Ho-hum. Nothing fun in the driveway.