Heat
The Heat Report: Viscera Eats Eugene, The Highlanders Return The Favor, and Val Venis Still Exists
By Saad Naeem
Jan 20, 2007, 12:42

Today I come to you as a ticked off Texan consumer. On Tuesday I bought the great spectacle that is the PS3 and I’m sorry to say that I was utterly disappointed. Ladies and gentlemen, if you were thinking of wasting 600 plus bucks on the PS3 (Yes wasting not spending) then please save your money. It is not worth it as of yet because there is nothing much that sets it apart from the PS2. Currently there are no great games out for it and what might not be common knowledge is that you cannot play using your PS2 controller or PS2 memory cards. As a result, you have to start all your PS2 games from scratch and (again) waste $50 on another controller. Also, the whole Blue-Ray addition means absolutely nothing because I personally see no difference in that and an ordinary DVD player. But like every other system, you have to give it some time. So I say that if you really do want a PS3 wait until Christmas 2007. Until then PS2 is just fine.

But you didn’t come here to hear about my technological woes. You came here for some Heat! Well you know what, I’m actually a bit scared. Heat is in danger because bit by bit the roster is dwindling. Think about it. First Rob Conway gets “fired”. Then WGTT gets reunited and Haas is sent to Raw. There’s rumors of Snitsky going to ECW and Rated RKO “takes out” Hacksaw Jim Duggan this past Monday. Pink slips are being handed out left and right, so who betta than jobbers to get one? Luckily as of yet (4:33 pm EST) no one from Heat has been kicked to the curb. On a sadder note, Bam Bam Bigelow has passed away. It is very sorry to hear that and may he Rest in Peace. All of us here at worldwrestlinginsanity.com express our grief and condolences to his friends and family.

Well Viscera is coming into this match with a 2 week winning streak (watch out Samoa Joe and Umaga) and Eugene goes from an encounter with the vertically gifted Great Khali to a match with the horizontally gifted Viscera. Who’s gonna win the guy that’s crazy about sex or the guy that’s just plain ol’ crazy?

What the hell. Eugene is face again. Dear goodness WWE gives up so fast. He comes out to a pretty good pop (which I’m sure was put in later) and gives high fives to the fans. Wasn’t he playing the crazy lunny gimmick like just 2 weeks ago?! Anyways, the match starts off with some Eugene booty shakin’ and a tie-up. Vis shows his strength by tossing Eugene and then begins to work on his arm. He gets on an armlock which grounds Eugene. But with the crowd’s support, Crazy hair gets back to his feet. Big Vis gets a big shoulderbutt which sends Dinsmore into the corner. Match stays still for a while both men just stand there. Then Eugene slides out the ring and puts on Vis’s brown robe.

He gets back in the ring and mocks Mohawk Mabel by doing his sexy time dance. All that does is piss Viscera off who proceeds to nail a big boot right to the face of Eugene. Then he nails a huge headbutt and starts choking Eugene in the ropes. Eugene fights back with a couple of punches to the gut, but eats a spinning heel kick for his troubles. Cover for the 2 count and then a sleeper hold by Viscera. Eugene breaks out and then Hulks up! Punch, punch, punch, Irish whip, big boot, leg drop, cover, win and a John Cena like flying shoulderbutt. Goes for the cover but only gets a two count. Then Vis nails a Black Hole Slam, which Todd calls a side walk slam (Re-Todd) and wins with a big splash.

Cool. Viscera is the only person on Heat that can say he has 3 finishing moves. The Big Splash, Visagra and “The Sex Drive” that was unveiled last week. As for the match, it was whatever. I didn’t hate it, I didn’t like it but hey at least Eugene is face again.

Royal Rumble Promo. There’s no Rumble Qualifying matches this year. Why? And they already told us who’s gonna be in the Rumble. That’s so weird. But there’s still 5 spots remaining. Who’s in your fave 5?

I hate jobbers. Not jobbers like Val Venis, but scrawny no name never will be anything jobbers. These guys are a waste of time a waste of match and wrestle like waste too. But I will give them credit for the fact that they sell moves quite well. So guys thanks for making me think “Damn! That had to hurt.” But what is worst about them is that fact that they are highly unneeded. I don’t wanna see John this or Helix that gets whopped around by Umaga. I mean why not just bring Scotty 2 Hotty and Funaki to Raw? What are they doing on Smackdown? Nothing that’s what. At least on Heat we could see something new and not the same damn matches over and over again.

Val spends a bit of time deciding where to throw his towel until he finally spots a dame worthy enough for the honor. She’s not bad looking at all but what was funny about the situation was that her boyfriend was sitting right next to her. Yea having some dude in a speedo come up to your girlfriend and give her a towel that was wrapped around his crotch and give her a kiss sure makes you a great boyfriend. Good job dude. You made men all across the land proud.

Match starts off fast. Tie-up, Irish whips, shoulderbutts, armdrags and hiptosses. We don’t really know much about Moxley except for the fact that he has strawberry pink hair and boy does it look terrible. Seriously awful. At least Val is impressed by this dude cause he shakes his hand out of respect on 2 different occasions. And even I have to admit, this guy is no ordinary jobber. He can actually wrestle and is giving the Big Valbowski a run for his money. Moxley falls out the ring and Val opens the ropes for him to come back in. But the jobber gets a quick change of heart as he kicks the crap outta Val, sending him crashing to the outside. The dude can’t throw a punch but he is still pummeling Venis. Moxley nails a pretty great suplex for a 2 count. He nails a neckbreaker but again only gets a 2 count. But then the tide turns as Val flapjacks turnip head into the turnbuckle and makes him eat some stiff clotheslines. A big elbow and a couple of knife edge chops follow. Then Val nails a butterfly suplex and wins with the moneyshot.

Good jobber match. The dude was not wrestling like a jobber and the match was quite enjoyable. We knew Val would win but Moxley gave him a run for his money.

They show Hacksaw getting jumped, Flair getting jumped, Todd getting kicked and Rated RKO getting whopped. If you wanna know further details go read JG’s Raw Insanity Report.

Okay. I have been doing the Heat Report for about 4 months. That means 16 Heat Reports. Of those sixteen, 8 were recap episodes and 8 were regular Heat episodes. That is a total coincidence but that’s not the point. The point is that of those 8 Heat episodes 3 have featured this match. My point? I’m getting sick of this match. I like Cade and Murdoch and even the Highlanders. But damnit how many friggin times can a guy watch two cowboys fight two Scots??

But I have no other choice so here’s what went down. Murdoch starts things off with Rory and gets the early advantage with a stiff elbow. Then a tag to Cade who nails a powerful shoulderbutt. The Redneck Wrecking Crew was doing just that. They are really aggressive tonight and just downright nasty. But Rory slaps Robbie in the face for a tag as The Highlanders start working on Cade’s left arm. They both take turns heatbutting it. Robbie uses Rory as a battering ram into Cade and does the same thing with Murdoch. Then the Scots double clothesline both Cade and Murdoch out of the ring as the crowd gets on their feet. Cade calls timeout as Murdoch slides into the ring but then slides out. This distraction allows Cade to jump Rory from behind to get the momentum once again. But a tag to Robbie (I’m Robbie!) who nails an elbow on Murdoch for a 1 count. That’s right 1 count. When was the last time you saw a 1 count? Exactly. It’s always, 1, 2, kickout.

Blind tag by Cade and the cowboys nail a great double team (Manhattan drop and kick to the face). Then instead of a cover Cade locks on a blatant choke. Wow the Highlanders are getting a serious beatdown as Cade and Murdoch take turns nailing clotheslines in the corner and just an all out assault capped of with a huge backdrop by Murdoch. Cheapshot to Rory on the apron which allows for a mugging in the corner on Robbie behind the ref’s back. Robbie gets some offense with right hands to both Cade and Murdoch but that is shot down with a backdrop again. Then Murdoch applies a neck submission to Robbie. The crazy Scot fights out and nails a dropkick to lay out Murdoch and get the hot tag to Rory. On the other side Cade gets the tag as well and Rory cleans house with some Double Axe Handle Smacks and a one man flapjack on Murdoch. Then he goes to the top rope (I don’t know why) and misses a big splash. As he’s getting to his feet BAM! He gets clocked with the High-Low and the shocking win for the Redneck Wrecking Crew.

It’s like these guys take turns putting each other over. But maybe their matches aren’t so bad. Maybe, I over exaggerated. But still if I have to see another one of their matches I’m gonna lose it.

All in all, Heat was okay. There was nothing too exciting about it and I was actually bored most of the time. But that’s just me. Check it out for yourself to see what you think.

Thanks for clicking the link and I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. My e-mail address is Naeem920@gmail.com or you can hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. My username is Naeem920.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Heat.