Heat
The Heat Report: Venis vs. Dykstra, Cryme Tyme vs. Haas and Benjamin, Eugene vs. Chris Masters
By Saad Naeem
Feb 24, 2007, 19:28

Joy to the world, its President’s week! Yay. Now I might be happy about being off from school (oh that feels so good), unfortunately I’m not going away on vacation. So sitting here at home instead of out in Cancun somewhere writing the Heat Report. But I’m not complaining. I like doing the Heat Report. So let’s get to it. This week might be the most star-studded edition of Heat in a very long time. Not only do we have 4 matches tonight but they all involve some talented visitors from Raw. Returning to Heat for the third time in a row (surprisingly) we have Kenny Dykstra. Joining him tonight is a man that I believe should be featured weekly on the program, Chris Masters. And an epic main event encounter that pits the appropriately named World’s Greatest Tag Team against primetime Cryme Tyme. You DON’T wanna miss this.

No matter how hard the WWE gives Chris Masters a push, the poor man doesn’t click with the audience. But this guy is very lucky. Despite all the failed attempts he still gets to be on Raw nearly every week. That’s something not everyone can say. Sure most of that time has been spent against Carlito or Super Crazy but he’s had a match or two against John Cena as well. But Mr. Masterpiece your luck is starting to run out cause you have stepped foot in wrestler prison. A. K. A Heat. I have a feeling you’re gonna be here a while, at least until Wrestlemania, especially cause Scotty got moved backed to Smackdown.

Apparently, Chris Masters' robe is worth $5000…at least that’s what Coach says. Anyone know what Flair’s are valued at? Anyways, Lilian’s got the night off and Maria is our special ring announcer. Dear God. That woman announcing sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Trust me. It’s that bad. Masters starts the match by immediately going after Eugene’s left arm. Arm lock locked in but Eugene breaks out with the fans behind him. Then something very icky happens. Believe it not, Eugene pulls down Master’s tights (from behind) and takes a big bite of his apple bottom. Chris is livid and Eugene can’t help but smile at the fact that he just tasted some badunka-dunk. Now that’s something you don’t see everyday…even in the WWE. Eugene starts swinging in the ropes and when Masters runs towards him, he gets kicked in the face. To sell Eugene’s “special gimmick” he goes over and asks Masters if he’s okay. What does Masters say? Eat Clothesline Pansy! Masters clocks Eugene with a stiff clothesline and then nails two legdrops on his fallen opponents. Yea I said legdrops.

Masters nails a neckbreaker but only gets a two count for it. Snake eyes in the corner by Masters and he starts choking Gene in the ropes. Snapmare takedown and a neck twist (sorry don’t know the real name) applied to Eugene. Then it’s time for Eugene’s new (well not really) signature move. Masters beats his head on the turnbuckle and with each “beat” he gets madder and madder. Eugene’s hulkin’ up! Well, Euegene-in’ up. Then the combo follows. A couple of punches and a flying clothesline followed by the second most electrifying move in sports entertainment, The Rockbottom! 1, 2 and a kickout!! Somewhere in Tinsel Town, The Rock just screamed like a girl. Chris Masters kicked out of the move that made The Great One a 7 time WWE/F champ. Both men get to their feet and Eugene attempts the Stone Cold Stunner. Blocked by Masters who sends Eugene into the turnbuckle sternum first only to ricochet back into the Masterlock. Within seconds Eugene “passes out” and Mr. Masters collects the W.

Pretty good match. I was thoroughly entertained. I mean where else are you gonna find a man willing to bite another man’s bare ass and then smile about it afterwards? That’s Eugene for you ladies and gentlemen.

Promo for Lifestyles of the Built and Dangerous. It’s WWE’s version of MTV Cribs on WWE.com. This week we have who else but Torrie Wilson. All they show is her bathroom where she “takes her bubble baths, her showers and all that girly stuff.” Wait don’t guys take showers? They end the video with Torrie saying “You guys need to get out of here cause it’s time for me to get a tan without my top on.” It’s quite pitiful what desperate measures the WWE thinks they have to take to draw in male viewers.

WWE rewind. McMahon picked Umaga as his “representative” for Wrestlemania. That shuts up all those “Hogan vs. Khali” or Lashley vs. Khali” rumors. That just proves something Matt Dawgs said “half of what’s on the internet is bull and the other half is shit.” Well, I think it was Matt. If it wasn’t then sorry for putting words in your mouth bro.

It’s time for Heat to get loco cause Super Crazy is in the house. Whoever’s shoes Crazy was shining is now wearing sandals cause El Senor Loco is back on Heat. Too bad for him. On the other hand his opponent has one helluva last name. Wellington, I think I’m gonna name my kid that. Lloyd Wellington. Sounds like a rich guy. Well this guy looks anything but. Jobber Wellington is wearing a black wifebeater with silver tights that have a red stripe on the sides. Match begins with a test of strength which Crazy caps off with a hiptoss. Then two arm drags and Crazy locks in a wrist lock. Whipped to the ropes and we see a tilt-a-whirl head scissors courtesy of the Crazy one. Arm lock applied for a while until Welly breaks out in. Backs Crazy into the corner and a rake to the eyes follows. Wellington nails a crappy scoop slam and an even crappier elbow drop. Then he nails a knee drop for the two.

Mikey locks in a sleeper but Super fights out. He Irish whips Wellington and kicks the holy low hell outta his knee. It’s so hard that Red Stripes Silverpants flips 180. If you remember a long time ago when Edge and Christian were together, they had this double team when they’d place their legs between the legs of their grounded opponent and then do a somersault. In the process the opponent would fly in the air and land back hard on the ground. The point of telling you that now? Super Crazy just did that move alone. Then a nails a modified version of an elbow drop, runs to the top rope and nails a helluva moonsault for the win.

Very entertaining match. Super Crazy is a great in ring performer and he showed us that once again. Always flying and putting on a great show. Thanks for not boring me Super.

Promo for Ringside Reality. Another WWE.com exclusive way to get to know the superstars. This week it features Victoria. Apparently, she named her special the widow’s peak after her receding hair line. That is actually quite stupid. I personally thought it was named after a spider or that comic book chick. You know something deadly like “The Black Widow.” But you live and learn I guess.

If you read the Heat report last week or actually caught Heat, then you know this is a rematch. Now usually I hate Heat rematches (Highlanders vs. Cade & Murdoch) but since these guys had a strong showing last week I’m excited to see what they put out today. As Dykstra enters, Coach teases Todd about getting slapped by the former women’s champion. It’s cool kid. Stuff happens but you gotta stop being so damn nosy. Anyways, back to the match which is preceded by Maria’s terrible and I mean just dear God make it end my ears are bleeding announcing. Match starts off with a Kenny sucks chant. Good the audience cares. Now Val locks in a headlock, Irish whip and he takes Kenster down with a shoulderbutt. Back up, Kenny leapfrog over a running Venis and gets in position for a hiptoss only to have it reversed into a backslide for the two. Then an inside cradle for the two and a school boy for the three!!! Nah I’m just kidding. It was two too.

Crowd still spewing venom Kenny’s way as he gets the momentary upper hand with a couple of punches. Val turns the tables with his patented Irish whip knees to the guts followed by a Russian Leg Sweep. Then only gets a two as well. The action is quite fast paced so far. Kenny telegraphs and gets kicked for it. Kenny comes back strong with a drop toe hold that hotshots Val in the ropes. He hits Val with some hard stomps and chokes the man in the ropes. Val goes for a suplex but Doane reverses it into a DDT. Then Kenny does his new signature (not finishing) move. He grabs Val’s hand and clotheslines him with the other then he somersaults over the fallen Val (still holding the hand) picks Venis up and clotheslines him again. Pretty good move in my opinion. That gets a two count so Dykstra locks in a rear naked choke. Val finally breaks out with a spinout powerbomb. Rights, lefts, elbows forearms and a huge butterfly suplex give Val a two count. Val nails the half nelson and goes up top for The Money Shot! Val’s body comes down as Kenny’s knees come up. Ouch! That one looked like it hurt a lot. Well it’s a done deal after that. Kenny nails Vally with the unnamed modified neckbreaker he unveiled last week and gets the 1, 2, 3 instantly.

Wow Kenny. You da man. That was a really good match. Even though Val had the upper hand most of the time it was good ol’ Dykstra that got the W. Very good match for Heat. Very good.

Promo for WWE Uncut. Damn I guess no one watches these new WWE Broadband videos. Next time it’s an exclusive flashback with the one and only Hot Rod Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Get ready ladies and gentlemen. The epic encounter of the evening is upon us. The hot and fresh team of Shad and JTG is set to do battle against the ever so talented in all aspects of the word (except mic skills) WGTT. As you might know I am a huge fan of these guys especially Shelton Benjamin so forgive me cause I’m rooting my guys on. Shelton and Haas come out in white and blue today (oh la la) instead of their usual white and red. Charlie Haas worries me. He looks a little different every week. Sometimes it’s his hair, sometimes its his attire and now its his facial hair. What’s different? I can’t really tell. But trust me. It’s different.

Match starts off with Haas and JTG. Haas tries some chain wrestling but JTG doesn’t give him the chance. Mr. Cryme Tyme gets taken down with a running shoulderbutt and then a hiptoss reversed into a fireman’s carry. Armlock locked in on the fallen criminal who fights out with some elbows. JTG nails a flying elbow and then a dropkick that has Haas reeling. I know those Timbs had to hurt. TG sent to the corner and nails one hell of a great move. He climbs the top and nails a leg drop on a standing Charlie Haas. Good stuff for a two count. Blind tag made by Benji who locks in a headlock upon his entrance into the ring. JTG gets the drop toe hold and the tag to the big man Shad. Huge running shoulderbutt that grounds Shelton. Then another and then another after that. Then Shad gives the tag to his partner. I don’t know how to describe what happens next so I’ll try my best. Okay. Shelton’s in the corner. Shad has his back turned. JTG is running towards Shad. He jumps onto the big guy so that he’s in the powerbomb position. Then Shad lets him go behind him and basically launches him onto Shelton. A pretty good double team move. It was so impressive there was actually a replay! They never have replays on Heat.

Shelton gains control of the match with that modified backbreaker he does. Tag made to Haas who backs JTG into the turnbuckle and nails a few punches. Tag back to better man of the duo Shelton who hits a shoulderbreaker on JTG. Pretty average stuff from Benjamin tonight, nothing too special. Sends his arm into the steel post and makes the tag back to Haas. Charles comes in and lands a thunderous kick to the arm of JTG and applies an armbar. Yup, they’ve started working on his arm. J fights out and nails another dropkick. Both men are down and slide toward their corners to make the tag. Shad and Shelton both get the tag and Shad starts cleaning house. Takes out Hass and then Shelton and then Haas again. A clothesline, then a back body drop to Haas and a sidewalk slam to Shelton. The crowd is poppin’ as Shad gets ready to hit a big move. But Haas grabs his leg and the distraction is enough for Shelton to land a tremendous kick to his face. Gaspard is down and Shelton goes for the cover but damnit JTG breaks it up. From there the fat lady started to clear her throat. Shelton goes for a suplex but Shad gets him up on his shoulders and Cryme Tyme hit the G-9 for the win.

It was a surprisingly okay match. Nothing too special except the ending. Shelton didn’t show off his in ring acrobats and I was disappointed WGTT lost. But remember Cryme Tyme are the number one contenders for a title shot “sometime in the future.” But the noteworthy thing during this match was the commentating. Coach and Todd were quite the pair in this one. Listen closely when you watch this.

All in all…It was one helluva Heat! Except for the main event (which wasn’t too bad) Heat was poppin’ tonight! Check it out and I’m sure you won’t regret it.

I guess that just about does it for me. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. My e-mail address is Naeem920@gmail.com or you can hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. My username is Naeem920.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Heat.