Before Heat even begins we get that Trump vs. McMahon hype video that I’ve seen too many times. So I fast forwarded. So glad you have that luxury on the internet. But you gotta admit what Booby Lashley did after that cage match got you outta your seat saying HOLY SH!T!

That starts our weekly dosage of jobber. Sometimes I wonder if it’s the same couple of jobbers who just come back with different names. Or it just might be the same jobbers with the same names. Who really cares. We know what their ultimate fate is. Losers! This week’s featured jobber is Tony Jones who is a bald man (head shaped like Vito’s) dressed in a black one piece. Not a one piece bikini moron, a one piece wrestling costume.

By now we all have come to understand that Eugene’s matches on Heat are no more than comical relief. But who doesn’t like to laugh. So I have been enjoying Eugene as of late. Eugene comes out in his patentony white (and green) jacket to quite a pop. Match starts off with a headlock. Euegene is in early control. They battle in the corner but Eugene gets the better of the situation so he laughs at Jony. That ticks the dude off who starts nailing rights and lefts but Eugene slides out the ring and starts giving fans high fives. But when he sldies back in the ring, T. Jones catches him off guard and starts working on his arm. This takes place for quite a while until a drop toe hold by Eugene sends TJ to the ground. Then the Genester rides the jobber around the ring and when he hops off, Eugene bites the poor man in the ass. Wouldn’t wanna be the doctor to heal that injury. Some more Eugenic antics as he turns a test of strength into a hands up hands down competition until he shakes his booty.

Pretty great suplex by Tony but Eugene kicks out at two. He locks in a sleeper but Eugene fights out. Then Tony beats Eugene’s head on the turnbuckle which only make Eugene madder and madder. Time to Hulk up baby! A couple of punches followed by an airplane spin which gets both men really dizzy. Then Eugene Irish whips his opponent and nails the big boot. Could it be? Is Eugene gonna nail the Hulk Hogan legdrop! No. Mr. Blacktights gets up before the move is executed. But Eugene then resorts to a move done by a wrestler better than Hulk Hogan; Stone Cold Steve Austin! Yup, it’s the Stunner that gives Eugene the 1, 2, 3.

This match was a great way to start off Heat. It was comical but at the same time there was some good wrestling it in. I like to laugh so I liked it. But I also like wrestling so that was an added bonus.

It’s official. No one watches these new WWE Broadband videos. But there really are no ppv’s to hype up so what else are they gonna show?

The Highlanders come out in new kilts this week. Instead of the usual red, these are brown or tannish. On the other side of the ring lays a surprise. Along with their totally awesome names, these guys are not your typical jobbers. Kabu is a huge Indian (of course much smaller than The Great Khali) and he is really built. Or he might be Hawaiian. Regardless, he looks pretty tough. The other guy looks like one half of the Gymini and has a decent build as well. Rory starts things off with Kabu and keeps the upper hand. Kabu goes for a sunset flip but Robbie blocks by sitting on his face for the 2 count. Tag made to Rory and the Highlanders nail a double shoulderbutt on Kabu. When the jobber falls to the ground they both nail a double headbutt on him. Rory grabs Oliver Stone and slams his head on opposite turnbuckles and then tags Robbie back in. Another double team as the Scots nail a double hiptoss and then Robbie hiptosses Rory onto Kabu. Good combination. Irish whip and then a back body drop by Robbie. Robbie telegraphs but Kabu finally gets some offense by beating his head on the mat.

Tag made to Oliver who gets a drop toe hold as he enters the ring. That’s embarrassing. His first real action in the ring and he gets slammed on his face upon entry. But the bearded dudes don’t care how bad they made this guy look. Robbie (I’m Robbie) nails a big elbow and tags back to Rory. Rawr-y nails a stiff headbutt and beats Oliver’s into the top middle and bottom turnbuckle 10 times. Stone falls into bottom corner and Rory nails a Jeff Hardy type dropkick (where he comes off the second rope and nails the guy in the ribs). Rory tags again and nails a backdrop on Stone. Robbie comes off the top with a big splash but the idiot doesn’t go for a cover. A couple of European uppercuts and front forearms to the chest of Stone. Then he misses an elbow drop and Kabu gets the tag again. The jobbers then start working on Robbie’s arm as they relentlessly slam it on the mat over and over again. A pretty painful looking armlock applied on Robbie but he breaks out and tags his partner. Rory takes out the jobbers with some clotheslines, double axe handle smacks, dropkicks and caps it off with a big back body drop. Then Robbie comes in to put the nail in the coffin with the Soctdrop.

It was an okay match. At first I thought it wasn’t gonna be a jobber match but it was. Stone and Kabu’s wrestling ability could not compare to their physical stature. They were bad wrestlers. The Highlanders did have the offense most of the time which is why I put it under the squash category.

Promo for Val Venis’ Sex U on wwe.com. This week, the special guest is Maria. Val asks her what she uses as a pickup line for the guys. Her answer: “Hi.” But you know something, I can just about guarantee you that works 10 times outta 10 for her.

Poor Haas. His partner (superior partner might I add) got a chance to be at Wrestlemania and was in the Royal Rumble while Mr. Haas was overlooked. Don’t worry Charles, there is still one more slot left in the Money in the Bank Match. Maybe you can lose to Randy Orton in a Qualifying Match for it. At least you’ll get to be on Raw. But that’s the most interesting part. Charlie Haas does not come out to his WGTT music. He comes out to his own music. What? Charles had his own theme song?? Yea, it’s some generic crap. But what’s even scarier is that the cornrolls are gone and Haas has dyed his hair blonde again. Uh-oh, I see times a changing for Mr. Haas.

Shelton is not at ringside as the match begins with a long lockup. Haas locks in a headlock and gets the early advantage with a shoulder block. Another lockup, another headlock, and then Val nails a hiptoss. Then an armdrag….and then a dropkick!! What the hell? Who are you and what have you done with Sean Morley! When was the last time Valley did something like that? Haas does a damn great move when he grabs Val’s arm and jumps out the ring hanging his arm on the rope in the process. It was well executed and the crowd showed their approval with a few OHHs. Charles drags Venis to the apron and lays in some stiff shots. Then he gets another reaction from the audience by slamming Venis’s tricep into the ring apron. And you know what he did it again! Go Haas, you da man. He drags the bald man to the corner and nails Sean with some shoulder butts. But Val Kilmer catches a boot and nails a stiff clothesline on Haas. He nails an elbow drop but starts wailing in pain because he hurt his tricep. Haas capitalizes with some stomps to Venis and proceeds to choke him with his boot first and then the middle rope. He applies an abdominal stretch for a VERY long time and when he decides to use the ropes for some leverage, the ref catches him as Chief Morley hiptosses Haas. Both men trade hard blows out of which Val gains momentum. A shoulder butt, back elbow and then a clothesline by the Rated R X Superstar after which he nails a big back body drop. He does a front slam which only gets a two count and then a great fisherman suplex for the same results. He hits a half nelson and then calls for it! The Money Shot. And I don’t believe what I’m about to write. Val Venis nails the Money Shot and picks up the win over Charlie Haas. Unbelievable.

What the hell was that??? Val has lost to every Tom, Joe and Dick on the roster and he just beat Charlie Haas. What was it Val’s birthday or something? The answer is yes. Val’s b-day is coming up on March 6^th so I guess it was an early present from the WWE. Happy Birthday Val. You deserved it.

Cena vs. HBK Wrestlemania match promo. I don’t know who I’m rooting for.

Match 3: Cryme Tyme vs. Cade & Murdoch

The Hood and the Trailerpark collide once again for what should be a match not as great as 2 weeks ago. Cade & Murdoch come out looking quite sharp. And as usual Cade hates his jacket. Today he decides to toss it behind him and it actually winds up hitting the Titontron. After them Cryme Tyme hits the ring rocking their new T-shirts and flashing their bling. Is that stuff real?

JTG starts things off against Murdoch. He gets the upper hand with a kick to the midsection and a pummel to the back. He backs the gangsta in the corner and nails him with some knife edge chops. But JTG fights back with some stiff shots and nails a spinning elbow that knocks Murdoch to the ground. Then he takes him down with a running shoulderblock. But then he gets hit with a damn hard elbow as Murdoch shows his version of the JTG dance. The audience boos and the tag is made to Cade. Murdoch grabs JTG’s arm (wish he had a nickname or something cause I’m getting sick of referring to him as JTG over and over again) and Cade nails a huge chop to his chest. He has the upper hand with lots of right hands and shots to the back but the tide eventually turns. JTG leap frogs over a telegraphed Cade and nails a huge dropkick. Murdoch comes running in but eats a dropkick too. When  they both get up Shad comes in the ring and nails both of them with a huge double clothesline. Both heels roll out the ring and once again as Cryme Tyme hype up the crowd.

Huge slugfest in the ring which ends with a sick boot to the face by Cade on JTG. Tag made to Mr. Sideburns and he just all out assaults his opponent. I mean elbows and clotheslines and shots that made JTG’s mom say Dayom son! Tag made to Lance and a double team performed by Redneck Wrecking Crew. Cade picks up Murdoch for a backdrop but sends him down on a fallen JTG with a leg drop. Cade hits a clothesline but only gets a two count. Tag made again (damn these guys make too many friggin tags) and Murdoch starts nailing some crossfaces. Murdoch Irish whips JTG but when he telegraphs, he eats a boot to the face. Both men on the ground crawling to their corners. Murdoch gets the tag to Cade. JTG gets sooo close…but no cigar. Cade (the tag team specialist he is) knocks Shad off the apron. He then Irish whips JTG into their corner and both men kick the crap out the little dude. JTG gets raked in the eyes and gets choked in the ropes. Cade backs away and Murdoch kicks the crap outta JTG’s face. Damn this poor guy has gotten his ass whooped the whole friggin’ match. Then the obvious happens. Murdoch drags JTG to the corner and goes for a splash off the top. Can you guess what happened? Did he connect? Did JTG roll out the way? No JTG put his knees up. Shad is hyped up and FINALLY gets the tag. Shad comes in clotheslines everybody in sight. Then he grabs Murdoch and tosses him out the ring. In the process the cowboy loses his pants. But it doesn’t bother Shad cause then his kick causes Cade to lose his head and the match.

Winners: Cryme Tyme

Good main event indeed. Lots of hard hitting action and one hell of an ending. Typical Cryme Tyme. But the victory wasn’t unexpected. After all, Cryme Tyme are the number one contenders for a match “some time in the future.”

All in all… You’d be surprised. I know I was. When I first saw there were two jobber matches and the same main event from a couple of weeks ago I was pissed that Heat is gonna suck. But it proved me wrong as I thoroughly enjoyed it. I advise that you check it out.

That just about does it for me. and I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. My e-mail address is Naeem920@gmail.com or you can hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. My username is Naeem920.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Heat.