Impact
The TNA Impact Report: Team 3D Throws Down Their Old Titles, Jim Mitchell Brings Mama Abyss To See The Show
By Saad Naeem
Mar 22, 2007, 23:40

Welcome back guys and gals to another brand new edition of the Impact Report. Last week the countdown to Lockdown officially got underway as Jim Cornette announced the main event for the pay per view. Come April 15^th it’ll be Team Angle vs. Team Cage in a Lethal Lockdown match. So far only AJ Styles has aligned himself with the NWA World’s Heavyweight Champ. Who else will rock out loud with The Instant Classic? Who’s gonna break some bodies with Kurt Angle? Only one way to find out…

Great video package recapping last week’s events and developments.

Show opens with our backstage interviewer Jeremy Borash. His guests? Kurt Angle, Samoa Joe and Rhino. Kurt does all the talking and basically reveals the other two to be his first picks for Lockdown teammates. They are fired up and deliver a solid promo.

Serotonin comes out without Raven. Martyr (the artist formally known as Matt Bentley) began the match against Rhino. Unfortunately for Serotonin he got whooped bad. No control whatsoever. Eventually, Angle tagged in and so did Kaz who got hit with a German suplex. He too got his ass handed to him. Team Angle is dominating, you know your basic squash match formula. Joe tagged in and Kaz ran for his life and gave the tag to Havok who got hit with a thunderous powerslam and several right hand punches. The match was on the short side but the finish was friggin amazing. Rhino hit a gore, gore, gore that literally turned Havok upside down and inside out. It was quite an amazing site. Angle hit his Angle Slam on Kaz. The match ended seconds later when the “Samoan Submission Machine” Samoa Joe destroyed Martyr with the Muscle Buster.

That’s the question everyone’s been asking Christian Cage. From Tomko to Steiner and now AJ Styles, everyone wants a title shot. But when is Christian gonna give it to them? You never know. But if you mention it again you ain’t getting’ no title shot. Cage and Styles get in a no you can’t, yes I can do that back and forth argument. It’s not an angry argument but Styles got friction with Christian.

Raven is back in his dark dungeon of a place where he has Kaz and I believe Martyr tied up like a dominatrix. On the ground is Havok who is screaming in pain. Raven in his bird mask and reminds us about his dark past. Apparently he was tied up in deserts where scorpions ran over his body. He concludes the vignette by pouring hot wax from a candle on Havok’s back. Very weird stuff.

Borash is back, baby, and this time it’s with Abyss and Sting. Or should I say Steve Borden cause he ain’t got no face paint on. Well Sting gives his inspirational preacher speech and tells Abyss that nothing can stop him now.

Making their way to the Impact Zone are none other than the 18 time tag team champions, Team 3D. They’ve won just about every one of those Tag Titles with three letters before them. Every one of them except the NWA World Tag Team Championships. Well those 3 letters LAX has got and that means Brother Ray and Devon are gunnin’ for them. Since they don’t have any belts for themselves, Team 3D brings out some trunks with them. They ask, no demand, LAX to come to the ring and the nice 5150s comply. Ray admits LAX had their number in recent matches. But now things have gone too far. LAX wants their legacy. Na-na not like that boi. You don’t take someone’s legacy you earn it. They open the luggage and in it are the WWE World Tag Team titles, the WCW World Tag team titles and the ECW World Tag Team titles. Wow this is historic. The only time ever that a piece of WWE, WCW, ECW and TNA legacy are in the same ring. But 3D don’t care. They toss the WWE and WCW titles to the ground like they were tickets to a William Hung concert. However, they are more respectful toward the ECW titles. The fans feel the same way.

At Lockdown, Larry the Table Guy and his brotha from anotha motha want a legacy vs. tag team titles match. But before Homicide and Hernandez can answer the challenge, Konnan came rolling out on his wheelchair, with the help of Machete of course. Konnan used crutches to enter the ring and said the titles in the ring mean nothing when you’re the NWA world tag team champs. He gives 3D a counter proposal to the legacy vs. titles match. Konnan O’ Brien wanted an electrified cage match for Lockdown. Team 3D didn’t officially accept the challenge but lots of curses in both English and Spanish and some “sign language” from Brother Ray ended the segment.

They show a shot of Cornette who is ticked off at what just took place.

Mr. Backland is talking with Jim Cornette and he wants a match at Lockdown. He even gives Cornette a cup full of piss for a urine sample. He knows he’s ready for the match cause he works out everyday and “doesn’t eat marijuana.” Corny doesn’t give him a match but does allow the man to be the special guest referee in the Austin Starr and Senshi encounter at Lockdown. After he leaves Cornette takes a peak in the pee and says “that has chunks in it.”

The Austin Starr vs. Eric Young

Eric Young comes out first. While Austin Starr is still in the tunnel, Robert Roode stops him and whispers something in his ear. The audience cheers for Eric and boos Starr. Both men exchange blows but Starr is mostly in control. He even hits a great dropkick to the face in the turnbuckle. Then Robert Roode and Ms. Brooks make their way out to the Impact Zone to watch their little toilet cleaner up close and personal. Starr misses his pendulum elbow drop and the tide turns. Eric Young gains the momentum. He tosses Starr from one side of the ring to the other and even manages to nail an elbow drop off the top rope. But Ms. Brooks distracts Referee Andrew Thomas with her “assests” while Roode interferes in the match. He hit Young in the back allowing Starr to hit the brainbuster and get the victory.

Winner: The Austin Starr

After the bell, Roode and Ms. Brooks start beating up the grounded Eric Young. But to the rescue comes Petey Williams as we see an encounter of three former Team Canada members. He fights off Roode and even Ms. Brooks. Petey extends his hand to Eric and just as he is about to shake it Roode pulls Young to the floor and then pushes him toward the back.

Borash is interviewing Jerry Lynn about his match with James Storm. Apparently, this is the first time these two have ever met in the ring. Borash asks about Christopher Daniels when suddenly the lights go off. We hear some sounds and when the electricity returns, Daniels is choking out Lynn with some kind of wire. He is wearing a Sting trench coat. Looks like they’re trying to get a Sting and Daniels thing started. Don West and Mike Tenay repeat that a couple of times.

Chris Harris is in the back with Jim Cornette and he demands a match with James Storm. Cornette can’t do that without a doctor’s note cause Harris can only see 60% (if that made any sense). He leaves the office ticked off.

Cowboy James Storm and Jackie came out. Lynn’s music hits but no Jerry. A referee came out and said that Jerry Lynn was too injured to compete. So Storm grabs the mic and says that his two favorite things are drinking beer and beating people up. Since he’s out of beer, he needs someone to beat up. Guess who stepped up to the plate? It’s “Wildcat” Chris Harris! Before he could lay a whipping on his former AMW partner Gail Kim shows up. She stops Harris from getting in the ring. But Jacqueline Moore taunts Gail Kim and calls her a slut. Uh-oh that bitch is dead. Gail gets in the ring and we have a catfight on our hands. These ladies beat the hell out of each other until some refs break it up. Meanwhile Harris chases Storm around the ring and to the back.

Best of the Tag Teams Vol. 1 Featuring LAX, Daniels & Styles, Team 3D and AMW. Available now.

You thought that catfight stopped in the ring? Hell no. In Cornette’s office (again) Gail Kim demands a match with what’s her face. Before Corny can answer, Jackie attacks her from behind. They beat each other up all over his office and Jackie even hits Gail in the head with a tennis racket! What’s that doing in Cornette’s office? Well not to be outdone, Gail throws a printer at Jackie. Damn now I’ve seen everything.

It’s time for our “Hell Freezes Over” main event. They’ve been hyping it up all night long and now the wait is over. Never did we expect to see Sting and Abyss as tag team partners after so many brutal encounters. But here it is. All four men brawl to begin the match butSting and Cage are left the legal men. Styles and Cage keep Sting isolated from his partner for a long time. AJ hits a phenomenal dropkick as we head to a break. Back and Cage misses a top rope headbutt which allows Sting to get the tag. Styles also gets tagged in. Abyss is on fire and hits Styles with the Shock Treatment. Goes for the cover but Christian breaks it up. AJ saved the champ from the Shock Treatment but Sting gets the blind tag. He hits a top rope crossbody on both men.

BUT THEN……James Mitchell comes down to ringside with some woman. Who is this mystery lady? They never say but c’mon guys we’re a smart group here. They’re trying to sell this lady as Abyss’ mother. This left Abyss confused and he ended up following Mitchell and the lady up the ramp leaving his partner high and dry. Styles and Cage double team Sting but all it did was get him fired up. He hit a double Stinger Splash on them. Tossed Cage out the ring and locked Styles in the Scorpion Death Lock. But Cage got the referee’s attention and “Big Poppa Pump” Scott Steiner came out. Steiner knocked out the Stinger with a metal pipe and put Styles on top of Sting giving Team Cage the pinfall.

Christian never formally announces Steiner as his third Lockdown teammate but the commentators kinda hint at it.

All in all… Great solid episode of Impact. Lots of storylines expanded forward and some new twists taking place. The Christopher Daniels and Sting rivalry sounds like one hell of an encounter that I am certainly looking forward to.

Christian and AJ have got a good thing going and I really enjoy their tease fights.

Kurt is really fired up nowadays. He is all about business and so are his new allies Samoa Joe and Rhino. Very good combination here.

As far as this new Abyss twist goes….I dunno man. Sounds like Katie Vick to me all over again. But TNA is working this better than WWE did so maybe we won’t be too disappointed.

I guess that about does it for me. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. My e-mail address is Naeem920@gmail.com or you can hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. My username is Naeem920.

See you back here in a day or two with The Heat Report.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was TNA Impact.