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In over 85 bazillion countries. On more than 80 continents. The worldwide leader in sports entertainment…. WWE WrestleMania video package. Good stuff with shots of past Manias. Clip of Vince McMahon introducing Aretha Franklin at WrestleMania 3. From there, we go down to the "Queen of Soul" Aretha Franklin…live! Aretha Franklin, at her piano, sings "America the Beautiful." People with really crappy TVs turn to one another and talk about how Lillian Garcia really let herself go. Once Frenchie Davis finishes the anthem, we go to another WrestleMania video package. It's the All Grown Up ads. Too bad Chris Masters wasn't one of the wrestlers featured in these. Rather than going out and finding a little kid to play the role of a small Masterpiece, they could just use a photo of him from three months ago. Welcome everyone to WrestleMania 23! Standing by, we have all the announcers you've grown to love. Hall of Famers Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler handle the Raw side of things while Hall of Regular of Non-Famers Tazz, JBL, Michael Cole, and Joey Styles call the action for their respective brands. You ready to start things off? Break out the ladders and empty attaché cases. It's Money in the Friggin' Bank! Ken Kennedy gets to do his ring announcing entrance from the top of the stage, which was cool. Total darkness with the spotlight on him. JBL, Cole, Lawler, and J.R. called the action while Finlay mixed it up. The brawler dove from the ring down to four of the guys at ringside. When Edge, with his Essa Rios tights, tried to grab the case, he was stopped by Matt Hardy. Jeff tried the ladder deal, but ended up knocked off by Kennedy. Eventually a stepladder was introduced and used as a weapon. The mini-ladder did some damage and cut open CM Punk early. King Booker had the ring to himself briefly, but chose to Spinaroony instead of getting the contract. JBL did some good commentary here and spoke about the Hardys have never been on opposite sides of a ladder match. Then, he went from informative to surprising when he mentioned Joey Mercury's ladder match injury. Weird to see him mentioned at Mania when he was just let go. Ken tried to take out Matt with a Swanton on the ladder. Hardy moved and Mr. K hit the steel hard. While on the ground, he was hit by a Jeff Hardy Swanton and the two brothers worked together while Layfield screamed about how it wouldn't last...which it didn't. They both ended up trading blows on the ladder, but Fit Finlay rushed in and took them down from their perch. Suddenly CM Punk took control…and Joey Styles appeared along with Tazz. If they had said anything up until now, I missed it. Weird. Six men at the broadcast booth seems a bit like that scene in Naked Gun where the booth is full with everyone including Dr. Joyce Brothers. When Edge tried to grab the prize, he was taken down by his sorta-friend Randy Orton. Every man for himself indeed. We then got the first major spot of the night. Jeff Hardy, who obviously doesn't give a damn about no stinking title shots, climbed the ladder. Then, in the center of the ring, jumped from the top onto Edge, who was laying on a prone ladder (resting on the barricade and apron), and bent the thing in half. Bradshaw mocked the choice that the Charismatic Enigma made as paramedics came out to help Adam Copeland. Right about this time, Orton went RKO crazy and gave everyone his finisher before grabbing the ladder. For some reason, Punk set up a ladder...right next to another one and it wasn't near the briefcase. The announcers wondered why and Randall used the opportunity to give Mr. Straight Edge an RKO from the top of the ladder. Hornswaggle eventually showed up to help Fit, who was bleeding from the head. He tried to climb the ladder, but Kennedy climbed the other. Horny hit him with a few punches and then, in a page from WrestleMania 3, King Kong Kennedy gave the Little Bastard a rolling Fireman's Carry from the ladder to the mat. This lead to a number of different attempts by different guys to get the case. The last one was Mr. Kennedy who nonchalantly climbed up and took down the case. Kind of underwhelming ending. Not a bad MITB, but not exactly Earth-shattering either. Winner: Mr. Kennedy…Kennedy. The Condemned Premiere: Check out Mike Rickard's movie review from the premiere Todd Grisham joins Mr. Money in the Bank...Bank. All Grown Video features Batista. Some might argue that he's not, but those people are, you know, haters. 2. Kane vs. Great Khali Yeah…so. Yeah. Khali vs. Kane. If it's worth anything, it was better than I thought. Then again, I had pretty low expectations. When the Great one walked all the way to the ring and got through the ropes, he had already surpassed my expectations. The gimmick here was that GK was invincible and the Big Red Machine had to be the underdog. Eventually he got Khali tangled in the ropes and kicked him in the "unprotected and ugly head" (J.R.) of the Big K. When Lita's ex-husband tried to get his trusty hook, he was thwarted by his foe. He came back, though, and slammed the Giant in the ring. Ross compared it to WrestleMania 3, which is a bit of a stretch. Still, it was cool. Unlike WM3, the big man kicked out. He took back control and gave Big Red the double choke "Tree Slam" and covered him with - get this - one foot for the pin. I thought Khali would win, but I didn't expect that. Winner: Great Khali Creepy "Divas as little girls"All Grown Up ad.
3. US Title Match: Chris Benoit vs. M.V.P. The idea that JBL was pushing here was that Montel could keep up with Benoit and, in some cases, be a step ahead of him. It was a bit weird because MVP wasn't dominating all that much, but they sold it like he was killing the Wolverine. In fact, the more the announcers talk, the more it seems like Porter is a lock to win here. In all fairness, the Blue Chipper dominated more as the match went on. Outwrestling the master technician, Monty had it all going his way until the dreaded Rolling Suplexes came. But he even reversed that. Chris came back and was able to land them though. With the crowd cheering, the Crippler climbed the turnbuckles and hit his flying headbutt...for the three count. Unexpected outcome given the way the match played out. Bradshaw said that MVP should be applauded for doing as well as he did. Besides, you know, the losing part. Winner: Chris Benoit WWE shop commercial for WrestleMania-used memorabilia. They say you can "live your dream." Yeah, if your dream is to own a piece of stained ring-canvas. Donald Trump is backstage with former Miss USA Tara Connor. Honest. While on the phone complaining about wanting a sandwich, Donald is so engrossed in conversation that he doesn't see the Boogeyman rising up behind him (or the red lights or music). Tara does. She screams and runs away. Boogs does his "I'm coming to getcha" thing and Trump makes him a deal. Hey, Boogey. Boogie your ass down the hall and fetch the NBC guy a sandwich. If you do…you'll get some worms. Mmmm. Worms. Cute segment. Michael Cole laughed harder at it than I did, though. Hall of Fame Rundown. Our own Mike Rickard was there too. You can read his report here. Lillian Garcia thanks the crowd for making a new Ford's Field attendance record of 80,103. After that, she introduces Howard Finkle, who introduces the Hall of Fame Class of 2007. 82% of people voting in the WWE Text Poll pick Undertaker to beat Batista. That match is coming up...next! Really? Yeah.
Teddy Long did ring announcing for this one. Batista got a regular ol' Dave entrance, but Taker got his usual amazing intro. This was probably one of my favorites. It began with flame-carrying Druids and the Enigma-style music. After that, smoke rose and a light shined from the ramp. With his bells tolling, Undertaker began to walk to the ring. Completely silhoutte, U.T. didn't even appear to be real. It looked like it might have been a video. Really cool stuff. There were lightning bolts on the screen behind him and it looked like they were hitting him on the top of the head. This was one of the best intros I've seen WWE put together. It was a huge spectacle. 4. World Title Match: Batista vs. Undertaker Fans boo Batista and JBL makes sure we all notice. Hmmm. They talk about how his title reign is built on the crowd and question how he can overcome without them in his corner. Michael Cole freaks out because Dave did a shoulder block from the top rope. He says "I swear to God…I've never seen Batista…come off the top rope." I'll take his word for it, but it still sounds sketchy. I'm almost positive he's come off the top rope before. Sure, he doesn't do it every night, but I'm sure it's happened. Taker took it to the Champion but was overpowered when going for his choke slam. The fans hissed as Bootista pulled his arm away from his throat. After that, Cole says that he's never seen this type of aggression from Batista. (Has he seen Batista before? I mean, he keeps seeing all these amazing new things about him) Undie came back and took down the Champ with a leg drop as he laid on the apron. He followed up with a breath-taking rope flip to Dave on the floor. The Animal regained control, though, and sent the Dead Man flying into the bell table. Cole says that Batista will retain the belt if both men are counted out and suddenly, I realize that they've been outside the ring for like 20 minutes. Countout? What countout? They count? The former Evolution member goes buck and begins to beat on Kane's brother on the announce table. Michael reminds us once again that he's never seen the Champion like this before. What follows that is something else we've never seen before - a running powerslam from the Spanish announce table to the English one. Nice spot. Unfortunately for D.T., he couldn't secure a pinfall and once again found himself on the defensive. He kicked out of a Callaway pin attempt and hit his trusty spinebuster. He received a round of boos for his patented "seizure on the ropes" taunt and paid for turning away from his challenger. Streaky McDeadman took control, lost control, ate a Batista Bomb, and kicked out of a sure-loss once again. This all lead to a quick reversal, an out-of-nowhere Tombstone and victory for...your new World Champion The Undertaker (15-0). Very good match. So far, I'd say it's match of the night. Winner: New World Champion The Undertaker Vince McMahon is backstage when he's interrupted by our favorite Screeching Princess, Stephanie McMahon. Stephie is here with the baby, Vinnie Mac. Say hi. After yelling at his daughter for no reason, Grandpappy Vince gets on one knee and starts to baby talk the stroller. The camera goes to a shot from inside the carriage, looking out as Grandaddy Mac talks about killing Donald Trump tonight. Creepy. Could you imagine if Vince McMahon was your grandpa? Man. Then again….imagine Hunter as your dad. Crazy. Anyway, when the boss smells a stinky in little Aurora's diaper, he tells his daughter that the baby has taken a "Trump."
5. ECW Originals (RVD, Sabu, Dreamer, Sandman) vs. ECW New Breed (Striker, Burke, Thorn, Cor Von) This was the match you'd expect. Everyone stopped following the tag team rules after a while and there were shots thrown by everyone. The craziest was Sabu, who hit a flying attack from the ring to the floor and looked like he snapped himself in half. Match was kind of short and, while historic, not a huge part of the show. This all lead to the Five Star Frog Splash on Matt Striker by Mr. Sunday Night and the 1,2,3. Joey Styles screams "Oh My God! The ECW Originals have just won at WrestleMania!" Tazz tells Joe to switch to decaf. Leave Styles along. As far as overexcitement goes, Don West and Mike Tenay make little Joey seem like Tommy Chong. Winners: ECW Originals Up next…the Haircut Match!
Lillian Garcia begins introductions and a barber chair and pole come down the aisle like one of those WrestleMania 3 carts. The King says it best. "I think we've seen it all now. A barber shop that has its own entrance!" 6. McMahon Hair vs. Trump Hair: Umaga vs. Bobby Lashley The intros were like 15 minutes. No joke. Didn't matter though. You expect long introductions for big matches like this. The crowd was somewhat hostile to Lashley and didn't want to get behind him for most of his offense. Bobby went to town on Maga to the lukewarm response and the only time they seemed to get loud in a positive way was for Stone Cold, when he pulled the ECW Champion off. It wasn't like the audience was behind Umaga either. When the Samoan Bulldozer choked his foe down with his hands, Austin yanked him off too and the two exchanged some words. When Vinnie's rep did it again, Steve grabbed him by the hair (how ironic) and pulled him away. They engaged in another staredown while Donald shouted "Shake it off, Bobby. Shake it off!" He did and even found a way to knock Mr. McMahon from the apron to the floor. Maggie recovered and tried a top rope move, but was caught and tossed by Lash. The Rattlesnake began to count both men on the outside, but stopped at ten. He declared there would be no countout and the action continued as Shane McMahon arrived to check on his dad. After pulling the Umaga off of Bobby by the eye, Steve Austin found himself dealing with an interfering Shane-o. His attention diverted, Stone Cold was easy prey for a Samoan Spike. The guest ref was knocked the fudge out and Little Mac was free to interfere. Shane helped the Savage pound away on the ECW Champion. After allowing the rep to hit his running butt bump, the McSon decided to hit the high spot of the match and plastered Bobby with a Coast to Coast. As Lashley fell to the ground, Shane put on the ref shirt. Awww….junk. All seemed lost for Donald and his friend Bob, but just as Shane O-Mac went for the count, Austin pulled him out of the ring! The crowd screamed… …but they screamed louder when Trump jumped Vince McMahon and hit him with some strange looking punches. After avoiding a Samoan Spike, The Ref retaliated with a Stunner Umaga. The ECW Champ followed with a Spear. 3 seconds later and Vince is on his way to Baldville. Winner: Bobby Lashley After the bell, Vince tried to escape but Steve Austin wouldn't let him. He pulled the boss back in and was jumped by his son from behind. Steve responded by hitting Shane with a Thesz Press and walking the mudhole he stomped in him dry. During all this...Mr. McMahon escaped. Well, almost. Lashley ran like Forest Gump and stopped Daddy Mac in his tracks. He brings the boss back in and Stone Cold stuns him as a "hello." Vince gets strapped into the chair and then, with Lashley on one side and Donald on the other, he gets his head shaved. It was set up as a perfect promo shot with Austin in the middle holding the chairman from behind. After using a buzzer, the billionaire and the Bobby switched to shaving cream and razors to make it clean and shiny. VKM was all cueballed out and...wow. He has a small head. After seeing the job that was done on his noggin in a mirror, McMahon almost fell out of his chair...but couldn't. He tried three times. Finally, seeing that Ziggy needed a hand, Austin tipped his chair over. Vinnie Mac stumbled from the ring and Steve Austin...Stunned Donald Trump. No joke. The Donald fell and Steve cackled as he left the ring. Great spot. Trump sold the hit pretty well and looked all sorts of messed up. Stone Cold walks up the ramp and flips us all the bird. This will be something we remember for a while. Backlash Commercial.
7. Lumberjill Women's Title Match: Ashley vs. Melina Who's Brooke? There's a Brooke? I saw her pic on WWE.com once and didn't know who she was then either. Anyway, she's at Mania. I'm sure that makes Carlito all warm and fuzzy. (I realize that she's one of Extreme Expose, but she's like the third Destiny Child. I know Beyonce and the one from Freddy vs. Jason, but the third I wouldn't know if I tripped over her.) So, as for the match, there wasn't much to talk about. It lasted mere minutes and Melina pinned her with ease. Ease. Winner: Women's Champion Melina After the bell, all the Lumberjills decided to...guess. Go on. Guess. Yup. Run in the ring. With the Divas split down the middle and fighting it out, JBL declared it "Lumberjill Pandemonium" Then, he declared "Lumberjill Pandemonium" the best commentary call ever. You tell 'em, Johnny. You tell the world. Up next: Shawn Micahels vs. John Cena 59% of Text Voters have chosen Cena to beat HBK. When telling the tale of how Michaels gained this shot, Jim Ross said that he "got in the Game." I laughed. Then again, I can be pretty juvenile.
Shawn Michaels got a pretty normal entrance while John Cena got the big movie-like thing. We went to a shot of a Ford Mustang in the street. We follow as it takes sharp turns into the building, up through the garage, and finally through a glass WrestleMania 23 pane in the entrance way. Once the car stops, we hear the song-starting "Shabadoooooo," and the Champion steps out of the car. It isn't until the music ends that you can hear the boos. 8. WWE Title Match: John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels Shawn started things off pretty cocky. He sat on the top rope and waved to the crowd while J.R. figured it was to "rattle Cena's cage." Also, in a moment that won't make the DVD, a fan in the front row jumped the rail and ran into the ring. The ref pushed him out and the camera quickly cut away as it happened. The crowd wasn't too loud either way until John hit the Boy Toy with a clothesline. That caused them to elicit a loud boo as Shawn ran off. When The Marine hit a shoulder block, they jeered louder. The weird thing is that it wasn't like they were going ga-ga for Michaels either. Sure, they cheered him, but it wasn't deafening. Even when HBK hit a truly amazing Asai Moonsault on the Champ as he stood by the announce table, there wasn't a huge eruption. Reaction or not, the Rocker continued to grow more intense as the match progressed. He targeted the Champ's leg "like a shark" and relentlessly pounded him. It got so bad that the referee had to ask John if he could continue. Lawler said that he didn't expect this type of match and you had to agree. He added, "Shawn Michaels has actually made John Cena look bad." Ross assured his partner that the WWE Titleholder won't lay down or make excuses. Lady Luck was on J.C.'s side though. After falling out of the way of the charging DXer, Cena avoided an attack and sent his foe into the ringpost. Michaels was bleeding and John seized the moment. He tore into Shawn as the people booed his every move. When the Boy Toy tried to mount a comeback, the Doctor of Thuaganomics ducked, and the Super Kick hit the referee. The ref's down! Ref's down! Cena goes for the F-U and Michaels reverses it into a DDT. HBK leaves the ring and starts to toss weapons to and fro. He takes John to the ring steps and piledrives him on them. Wow. Ten years ago, that would have been a ho-hum thing. Now, since they don't do it much anymore, it means a lot. Johnny falls to the mat and the Dude With Attitude looks like he has the thing won. After we see the huge-ass gash on the back of the WWE Champion's head, Shawn's chances look even better. He calls for another referee to come down and replace the dead one. When Jack Doane arrives…he only gets to two. With DJ Whitebread Bloodyhead prone on the mat, the challenger climbs the ropes and hits his big elbow. He follows it up by tuning his foot up by tapping it on the mat. When he hits five, Michaels runs in and eats a Cena clothesline. The fans explode in boos and the Champ, while not popular, is still very much alive. The tag champs exchanged some punches and John went for another F-U. Michaels reversed it into a sunset flip, but only got to two. Dr. Thuggy followed up with a second F-U, but this time he hit it. The challenger fell and the crowd wasn't happy. Even with a second finisher, the Champion couldn't keep the DeGenerate down for the three. Eventually, Mr. Popular caught Kid Heartbreak in a top rope F-U, but couldn't hit it. They followed this with some crazy near-finishes. Great stuff. One on, Shawn went for the Superkick, but was drop toeheld into an STFU. He didn't tap on that one, but a minute later he found himself locked in another. As the crowd sat on the edge of their seats, Michaels reached up his hand...and grabbed the rope. The referee yelled at Cena for not breaking the hold quick enough and S.M. took advantage of the distraction and slammed him with some Sweet Foot Tunes. Both men crashed to the mat and neither looked like they could move. The referee counted them both out as they laid on the mat. When he hit nine, he said, "Screw it" and let the match continue. Well...that's a pointless rule, huh? Both guys regain their composure at the same time. They jump up and, after some reversals, Michaels finds himself trapped in the STFU for a third time. This time, he taps. Two years in a row - John Cena, babyface, gets booed out of the building and retains his title. He's like the Sanjaya of WrestleMania. Winner: WWE Champion John Cena After the contest, Michaels blew off a handshake with his tag partner. John didn't seem fazed. He tossed his opponent a salute and went back into the ring to bask in the boos. (The music was playing loudly, so you couldn't hear them. So they didn't count.) After a WrestleMania 23 music video, we fade to black.
That's it, folks. Be sure to head over to ClubWWI.com later tonight for a post-WrestleMania audio with me, ZAH, and Matt Dawgs. We'll have all our thoughts on the entire night, with talk about each match and all their outcomes.
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