James E. Couture
Couture's Championship Profiles: WWF Hardcore Champion Shawn Stasiak
By James E. Couture
Apr 12, 2007, 08:38

Folks, I still can't believe it's really me, James E. Couture. Y'know, fervent fans of the Profile, or "Prophiles", as I like to call'em, know that last week I referenced infamous WWWF Champion and master of the Heart Punch, Stan "The Man" Stasiak. A nine day world title reign in the age before this interweb thing or wrestling shows with approximately 30 minutes of recaps from other shows seems pretty unimpressive, but his son, Shawn "Hey Mon" Stasiak, was out to impress them even less. Therefore, it is Shawn Stasiak, Hardcore Champion.

Shawn Stasiak had a long long road to WWE gold, with a many a winding turn. Originally brought into the Ent as Meat, the character was scrapped after a man whore surprisingly failed to get over, and stepped on the toes of another wrestler.

"Ladies, you know and I know that the Big Valbowski always comes first! Wait..." -Val Venis, in an exclusive interview with SundayNightHeat4Life.com, 2005

Still, WWE kept Shawn on under his own (not really real) name, but again, his "plain guy in orange trunks" failed to win fan support. Then, "Meatgate" hit, and Shawn was released for recording conversations, probably in an attempt to catch Steve Blackman's stirring rendition of "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad."

But ironically, it was Shawn himself who was out of there like a bat out of hell. After a rinse cycle in WCW, as Mr. Perfect's heir apparent (which caused him to pre-roll over in his grave), then a young gun alongside future SmackDown! riff raff Mark Jindrak, Sean O'Haire, and Chuck Palumbo, then finally as the generic rising star, Stasiak found himself back in the WWE as part of the single greatest use of mid-word capital V ever, the WCW InVasion. Shockingly, his "stupid idiot who can't do anything right" character again failed to get over with the crowd, much like his Meat fell short years earlier. After the Alliance was vanquished at Survivor Series 2001, the man they call Shawn was at a crossroads. Apparently time off and OVW make you batshit insane, as when he did return to Raw in 2002 after the brand split, he claimed to be "craziak" and be from/nicknamed Planet Stasiak. Despite his status as Crazy Yak, and making his video game debut in Shut Your Mouth, he still sucked.

Luckily, there was a title for guys who sucked: the Hardcore Title. On May 2, 2002, Shawn just continued to fuel the comparisons between himself and The Rock by becoming part of a father-son duo to win WWE gold. In a non televised event is Glasgow, Scotland, Planet Lazyak pinned Steven Richards, probably with the aid of a muffin tin or really hard loaf of bread, and became Hardcore Champion. Stan Stasiak's 9-day reign was one thing, but Shawn wanted a title reign 1/86400th as awesome, and he got that, lasting approximately nine seconds before being pinned by Justin Credible. Luckily Shawn would haven't to wait for a sissy rematch, this was 24/7 baby, and regained the championship from Steven Richards again; however, like programming on TBS that's not a Braves game, it was just another repeat as he immediately lost it again to Steven Richards.

Even though he had about 20 seconds as champion between two title reigns, Shawn Stasiak had lived a dream: he had managed to make the name "Stasiak" synonomous with crappy title reigns (moreso).

Well, until RVD and Sabu hoist a returning Blue Meanie overhead to celebrate him joining the Originals, I am, in fact, James E. Couture.

And I'm off to Planet Couture.