Heat
The Heat Report: Cryme Tyme vs. Haas and Benjamin, Victoria vs. Mickie, and Venis vs. Masters...Twice
By Saad Naeem
Apr 28, 2007, 10:38

Hello Heat seekers and welcome back to another brand spankin’ new edition of Heat. Tonight we got some great action on our hands because for the first time in a very long time, Heat features no jobbers whatsoever! Can you believe that? That’s like having no Simon Cowell on American Idol; no Pam Anderson on Baywatch; no Stewie on Family Guy! But the difference here? The show’s gonna be better without the jobbers.

Let me take this time to say that Todd Grisham is the worst ring announcer ever. He’s doing his best to sound like a man, but sorry Toddy G you suck. Just shutup already. On the other hand it is important to note that the number one contender for the women’s title is wrestling on Heat. Does that make sense? Probably not but do keep in mind that Heat does not really follow storylines. So I guess its okay.

Match begins with a tie up and Mickie is thrown onto the mat. Mickie backs away and we start over again. Lockup and this time Vickie gets Mickie in an arm lock. Then she takes her down with arm drag for the two count. James comes back with an armdrag of her own and then takes down Toria with a Monkey Flip. James is backed into a corner and Victoria lays in some shoulder blocks. She attempts a monkey flip of her own but Mickie lands on her feet. She grounds Vic and hits her with a dropkick to the face which gets another two. MJ locks in the Camel Clutch but Vicky breaks out real fast as she tosses Mickster right off her. Back in the corner and Mickie tries for her hurricanrana but Victoria blocks into a powerbomb. She gets a dos off that one. Vickie grabs Mickie by what Vinny Mac no longer has and tosses her across the ring. James tries to return some offense but her kick gets turn into a split and she eats a Vicky kick to the face. It was one hard ass kick but Mickie still kicked out.

Victoria proceeds to lock in a modified version of the one legged Boston crab but James escapes. She comes back with a small package for the two and then some right hands. Roaring elbow takes down Toria and hits a flying clothesline for the two. She hits her hurricarana and then a neckbreaker but still gets a two. Mickie sets up for her Impaler DDT but Victoria beautifully reverses it into a swinging side slam. That pisses off Victoria and eventually costs her the match. Mickie sends her into the corner and the ricochet sends her flying back into James’ DDT.

Wow. Really great match put on by these ladies. They went in there and pulled out all the stops to deliver one kick ass match. Good job ladies, Trish Stratus would be proud.

WWE Uncut featuring the most impactful superstars of Smackdown. Number one on the list? Who else but the people’s champion, THE ROCK! They practically named the show after him.

Masters makes his way to the ring first and who uh cares. His entrance is more exciting than his matches. And believe me it’s not very exciting to see an oiled up muscular man displaying his ups and downs for you. So that tell you what I think about his matches. But he is up against a ring veteran in Val Venis, who today comes out with a purple towel! I dunno, the white one looked cooler. This just looks gay.

A waist lock on Val starts the match and a grounded headlock continues Masters’ wrestling. Val reverses into a wrist lock and kicks away at Chris’ arm. Masterpiece comes back with a hard forearm but gets a hiptoss and an arm drag for it. But Masters retaliates with a tremendous clothesline. Chris pounds away at Morley and locks in an abdominal stretch. He has it on for a damn long time but Val finally breaks out with a hip toss. Masters hit Val with a scoop slam but misses two attempted elbow drops. Val comes back with a few clotheslines of his own and a neckbreaker gives him a two count. Ten stationary clotheslines (yes that’s possible) are hit on Masters’ face followed by a spinout powerbomb. That gets a two but Val argues with the ref. This distraction is enough for Chris to capitalize who hits Venis with a huge spinebuster. Masters goes to hook on the Masterlock but he reverses. Tries for a half nelson but Masters reverses and gets the Masterlock! But instead of making Venis tap out, Chris turns the lock into a devastating full nelson slam for the win.

Good to finally see a Masters match end without someone “pass out.” This new (I’m presuming) finisher suits Masters’ power persona. I have a lot of respect for Val Venis. He loses and loses and loses some more and never ever do you hear anything about him on the internet about how he’s bitchin’ and moanin’ backstage about not getting a push. If I ever open a business I’ll definitely hire Sean Morley.

But wait! After the match, Val grabs the mic (?) and challenges Masters to a rematch. Chris complies. So…

Both men get in the ring. They trade some intense punches, Val hits a spinebuster and then the Money Shot for the win.

Interesting turn of events but if they did this the first time around I wouldn’t have spent do much time typing. -_-

Next time on WWE Sidesplitters, The Mountie gets arrested.

Is there a hood in England? Cause from the looks of it the Brits love Cryme Tyme. Huge pop for them upon their entrance. For the World’s Greatest Tag Team, not so much. But at least they look cool rockin the white and the blue. Shad and Shelt start things off. Benjamin (being the smart guy he is) decides to slap the big guy. He no sold it and punches the crap out of Benji for it. Shoulderbutt after shoulderbutt take the All American down. Tag to JTG as Cryme Tyme drops a double elbow on Benjamin. JTG twists around the arm but tags Shad back in. Shad hits a ferocious sidewalk slam on Shelton and makes the tag back to TG. Very coolio double team move hit by Cryme Tyme as Shad slingshots JTG off the top rope so that he splashes onto Benjamin. Never seen that in the WWE before. He picks the mama’s boy up but Banji catches a rake to the eyes and slams JTG in WGTT’s corner.

Tag to Haas who lays in some knees. But he gets hit with a spinning elbow by JTG. Dropkick and a stiff blow but Haas sends JTG over the ropes and onto the apron. This allows Shelton to come by and innocently kick the hell out of TG’s face. Man that was loud and it must’ve really hurt. TG stays down for a while till Haas picks him up and sends him into the turnbuckle. He lays in some punches and hits a huge belly to belly for the two. Haas tags Benji who jumps over the ropes and onto TG’s back. JTG comes back with some great right hands straight out of the streets of Brooklyn but Benjamin counters with a huge backbreaker. JTG comes back with some great right hands straight out of the streets of Brooklyn but Benjamin counters with a huge backbreaker. Haas back in and he hits a spinebuster and locks in a single legged Boston Crab. Tag again and WGTT is methodically picking apart the little Cryme Tymer. Shelton telegraphs but gets caught with a DDT. Haas gets the tag on one end and on the other Shad finally comes in. He powerhouses around Haas and Benjamin and then rips off his wife beater. I’s about to to get popin’ in dis joint. Shad fires up and hits snake eyes and then a hard hard forearm. Goes for the cover but Shelton breaks it up. From behind JTG sneaks up with a victory roll. But instead of rolling him up he sends Benji flying out the ring. Meanwhile, Haas is hit with the G-9 in the ring and Cryme Tyme wins.

Fair exchange of action in this one. Both teams had their highs and lows in the match but Shad’s power overpowered it all. All the athletes had something in their corner whether it be agility for JTG, power for Shad or wrestling skills by Haas and Benjamin. That’s what made this match great. A clash of contrasting styles.

Seein’ Superstars featuring Timbaland airs soon on wwe.com

Oh my God. It has happened. Nitro has been demoted to Heat. Why, why, why? This reeks. But my opinions don’t really matter to the WWE so let’s talk about Nitro’s grand entrance. I really like it, but of course Melina makes it better. Unfortunately, she is no where to be found tonight. Anyways, Nitro is dressed to impress while Eugene is quite the opposite. By the way this match took place on Raw 2 weeks ago and if you remember, Nitro killed him in like two minutes. This contest started with some Eugene dancing. Nitro retaliates by flexing his abs. Sexy time Eugene! Headlock applied by Johnny and Eugene Irish whips him out. Then Eugene runs from one side of the ring to the other while Nitro does the same on the perpendicular side. Kinda comical. Then both men stop face to face and Eugene tells Nitro to look up and pokes him in the eyes. He crawls under the “A-Lister” and bites him on A-ss. Melina’s man retreats to the ropes and while Gene does a dance he gets clocked with a standing enziguri. Nice move man. The cover gives him a two. Nitro pummels on Eugene and applies a neck vise. After a while he breaks out but eats some kicks for it. Another neck lock applied and he turns it into a camel clutch. Eugene powers out but gets a scoop slam for it. He toys with Eugene but the cuckko kid “Eugene ups.” Lefts, rights and a swing around punch take down Melina’s man. He gets Nitro in a backslide but it’s only a two. Nitro hotshots Eugene on the ropes and hits him with a knee off the top. Then a sit-down neckbreaker gives him the win.

Pretty good match but it was not worthy enough to be the main event. Nitro was quite impressive to say the least. Nice ending too.

Very nice edition of Heat. No jobbers and all straight up good matches. I was happy to see it and was one of the shining editions of Heat. It had everything. A tag match, women’s match, a match where both competitors won and Johnny Nitro!

That just about does it for me. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. Send me an e-mail at Naeem920@gmail.com. Or hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. The username is Naeem920.

See you Thursday night with the Impact Report.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Heat.