Impact
The Impact Report: Christian. Sting. Angle. Sacrifice.
By Saad Naeem
May 3, 2007, 23:26

Hey guys and welcome back to a brand new edition of the Impact Report. Last week I had some business to take care of so a big thanks goes out to ZAH for covering for me. Thanks man. But tonight I’m back and the TNA train is rolling full speed ahead. So grab your Metrocards and pull up to the station cause its time for TNA bay-bay!

Video package recapping the events and developments of last week.

Sting is making his way to the Impact Zone and it looks like he’s got something to say. But before he even gets in the ring, Borden gets jumped! Kurt Angle attacks Stinger with a steel chair as security runs out to break things up.

We are sent to the back where Borash is standing by with Christian Cage, who by the way looks pretty nifty with the new beard he’s growing. Cage decides to take the role of Dr. Phil and goes out to address this issue personally.

Back in the ring, both men have mics in their hands and argue about what happened last week (when Angle attacked Cage in the main event costing Sting the title and Sting retaliated by planting Kurt with his baseball bat). Out comes NWA World Champ Christian Cage who proposes an epic tag team encounter for later tonight. How about later on tonight we see Angle and Sting team up to take on Christian Cage and AJ Styles? No DQ style. The catch: The man that gets the pinfall, gets a title shot against Cage at Sacrifice. BUT…if they both lose then no one gets a title shot. All or nothing match. Sting is like why do I need to have this match, I already have a shot against Cage. Angle questions his icon status calls him a p**sy. (The missing letters are u and s). So Sting accepts.

Leticia is in the back with the now 20 time Tag Team Champs, Team 3D. They reveal that Sacrifice they will defend their tag team titles in a three way against LAX and Tomko & Steiner. But tonight they are up against two tough ass SOBs. They know what Rhino is about but this will be their first encounter against Joe. Looking forward to see if he really is as tough as they say.

I guess it should be mentioned that LAX is not commentating during this match. Other than that this one starts off pitting Rhino against Brother Devon. What surprises me is that a Team 3D sucks chant starts. But it doesn’t last long once the match begins cause its one awesome encounter.Team 3D is in control for the beginning of the match but the Joe gets the tag. He and Ray go back and forth with a series of some great power moves. Good stuff right here. Both men show us they are some tuff ass mofos. There is even a stalemate. Joe hit Devon with a Samoan Drop and Bubba caught him with a Rockbottom. But when he turned around, Rhino connects with the Gore, Gore, Gore. Sets Devon up for the same move but he gets intercepted by…

Christopher Daniels! For a second week in a row, Fallen Angel clocks Rhino with a Sting baseball bat. He knocks out Devon too but then scurries out the ring. But he runs right into Joe. Joe catches him in a rear naked choke and tosses him back into the ring for the hungary dogs laying in wait. Team 3D even hit the Whazzzuuuppp on Daniels and all four men call for the tables. The beatdown concluded with Rhino goring the hell out of Daniels through a table in the corner. Awesome stuff.

In the back, Jeremy Borash is with Christian Cage and AJ Styles. Styles is obviously a bit upset about being volunteered for the No DQ tag match for later tonight. Chillax AJ! Do you see anyone else around here? No Tomko, no Steiner, and Abyss is dead and buried. Cage uses his brilliance to convince Styles that when they take out Sting and Angle tonight, he’ll be the number one contender. AJ is so happy that he is at a loss of all words. So he does what any future World Champ would do, he gave Christian a hug. Awwww, how cute.

Robert Roode (with a contract in his hands) and Ms. Brooks (with a neck brace around her neck) make their way out to the ring. Roode was not in a good mood and demanded that Eric Young comes out so he could fire his ass. But Young did not come out. Instead someone rather old showed up; Jim Cornette. Corny lays down the law: No one is firing Eric. The only people that deserve to be fired are Roode and his “flotation floozy.” Take that silicone valley! He says that Jarrett is not here tonight cause he doesn’t “want men beating up women, no matter how much they deserve it.” Then Cornette went through a whole bunch of lawyer mumbo jumbo about how Eric breached his TNA contract by signing with Roode Inc. Roode could care less and says that he is gonna fire Eric whether Jimbo likes it or not. Then he actually shoves Cornette! That brings out Eric. Young takes it to Roode and then goes to pull out Jarrett’s guitar from under the ring. He tries to hit Roode with the guitar but a kick to the midsection and a DDT change the beat. Robert Roode then pulls out some handcuffs and cuffs EY to the ropes. Traci uses this time to slap the tied up Eric a couple of times as a “We want Jarrett” chant starts. Then Roode informs Eric that “It pays to be Roode” and proceeds to smash Jarrett’s guitar over his head. After all this, Cornette gets up and grabs the mic and informs us that he will not fire Roode. Instead he will have Roode face Jeff Jarrett at Sacrifice.

Leave it to TNA to come up with super crazy names for matches. Last week it was “Sabin Suicide Stampede” and now this. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that these two women have had a storied rivalry no doubt and it has been quite entertaining to say the least. Jackie comes out with a bull rope and Gail comes out with a cookie sheet and a bag. She wastes no time as she immediately clocks Jackie with the cookie sheet. They brawl to the outside and Jackie slams Gail into the dividing gate. Gail hits a scoop slam on the outside but gets a two. Action back near the ring as Kim pulls out a very dirty trash can and a kendo stick from under the ring. She makes Jackie wear the trash can and nails some Homers on the canned woman. She goes for the cover but it too gets a two. Then Jackie hits her with one damn hard shot to the ribs. But Gail comes back by throwing powder in her eyes. Then she whips out a red bra (?) and chokes Jackie with it. Jackie comes back and chokes Kim with the bar and picks up the steel chair. But Gail comes running and dropkicks the chair into her face for the three count.

After the match, Cowboy James Storm comes to the rescue of his “Pride of Tennessee.” He and Jackie double team her and set up to hit her with the beer bottle. But that brings out Wildcat Chris Harris. He and Storm have a stare down and then Harris rips off his eye patch. Seems like he has fully recovered. Then the men go at it but Storm storms away.

In the back Christy Hemme lets us know that there will be yet another team to debut at Sacrifice to face VKM. Kip James sticks his armpit in her face and it smells so repugnant that she leaves the room.

We go back to where it we left off last week with Chris Sabin and Bob Backland. I dunno what the hell they were doing. Kinda wrestling but not really. But that’s not important. What’s mad cool is that Bob Backland is wearing a Midwood Hornets shirt! That’s my high school guys! After doing some research, I find out that Backland was the wrestling coach at my school in 1998! Ain’t that something special?! What was even more cool is that Backland started reading some book. From the print, I thought it looked like World Wrestling Insanity by James Guttman.

We see a video package of the gruesome beatdown Abyss got a few weeks ago. James Mitchell says that Abyss is nothing with out him and now he’s useless. So Abyss is gonna go find a replacement. Who’s it gonna be?

Mike Tenay and Don West run down the Sacrifice card. Some good stuff so far. All the titles will be defended.

Jim Cornette is at commentary for this one. It began with Angle and Cage against each other. Exchange of punches and forearms but Angle gets the upper hand with a takeover slam. Sting gets the tag and hits a great standing dropkick on Cage. He press slams the NWA champ and almost throws him out the ring onto AJ. Control back in the Stylish corner once they ram Sting’s gigleberries into the ring post. Let’s hope he didn’t have plans for later tonight. Cage and Styles isolated Sting and worked him over while Angle just stood by and watched. (I mean it’s a no DQ match, why doesn’t he just comes in and beat the snot out of Cage and Styles? What’s the ref gonna do…disqualify him?). Sting hung in there and finally got the tag to the Olympic Gold Medalist. Angle hits a few German Suplexes and Stinger hit a double Stinger Splash. Cage was taken out with the Scorpion Death Lock but Angle broke up the cover. Remember if Sting had gotten that pinfall he would have gotten the title shot and not Angle. Angle and Stinger eliminated Styles with what looked like a double Rockbottom. Cage scurries into the ring and knocks out both his opponents with steel chairs. He and Styles attempt a conchairto but Angle moved and sent Cage to the floor with a belly to belly. Then both Sting and Angle locked in the Ankle Lock to which AJ taps.

Cornette becomes alarmed cause the winner of this match was the one that got the title shot. But both of them made him tap! What’s a guy to do??? So he asks the ref who officially made Styles tap. Rudy Charles declared that both men made the submission. As a result, Corny announced that the Sacrifice main event is now Kurt Angle vs. Sting vs. Christian Cage in a Triple Threat Match for the NWA World’s Heavyweight Championship.

Pretty cool edition of Impact. The main even was pretty rockin’ even though the end was expected. Looking forward to this match at Sacrifice. It will be a classic. And since Slammiversary is upcoming, this might be a chance to plant seeds for a Sting-Angle encounter at the big ppv.

I especially liked the Street Fight. Great showing by both women. They held nothing back. Credit also goes to booking. It shows that TNA appreciates their female talent. What started off as a stupid catfight has now escalated into a raging rivalry. Glad to see that they didn’t just push it aside.

As much of a fan I am of Christopher Daniels, the beatdown he got tonight was called for. He is all over the place as it comes to booking nowadays. He had his thing with Jerry Lynn and the on-going emulating of Sting. But tonight he sticks his nose in a completely new arena tonight. Wassup with that? Hopefully they have something great planned for him. On the other hand the unity of Team 3D and Joe/Rhino was uplifting. They had good chemistry together and got the crowd and myself really excited.

Lastly, I’m a bit disappointed in Jeff Jarrett. He made a triumphant return…against Robert Roode? No disrespect cause Roode is evolving into a great heel, but c’mon TNA if you want to show me that Jeff Jarrett is the new babyface in town, he has to feud with someone significantly more upper card.

I guess that just about does it for me. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. My e-mail address is Naeem920@gmail.com or you can hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. The username is Naeem920.

See you back here in a day or two with The Heat Report.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Impact.