Heat
The Heat Report: Tag Teams Galore Featuring Cryme Tyme, Highlanders, Vis and Masters, Cade and Murdoch, Eugene and Duggan
By Saad Naeem
May 5, 2007, 10:55

Hiyo guys! Just got home from seeing Spiderman 3 and I have got to say it was brilliant. But let’s just leave it at that cause I don’t wanna spoil it for you. However, if you go see it and don’t like (you’d be a total moron to do so) then don’t come back and curse me out. I’m just telling you what I thought of it and that doesn’t necessarily mean you will think the same.

Another thing of importance in my week is the elimination of the Dallas Mavericks from the NBA Playoffs. Damn, Damn, Sh!t, Ass, F*ck! Two years in a row they blew it. I was hoping for a double D’s in the Playoffs this year. Double D’s implying Dallas and Detriot. In the end I hope to see the Pistons winning it all. Yup I said it, the Detroit Pistons are gonna win. If you got something to say about that just wait till the NBA Finals. The Pistons will speak for themselves. You’ll see, you’ll all see!

But we’re not here to talk about movies and basketball. We’re here for some rasslin’! Heat is brand new this week and you must agree that it has definitely stepped up its game over the past few weeks. Great talent like Johnny Nitro and Cryme Tyme are being featured just about every week. But is that a good thing or a bad thing? Well that’s up to you to decide. So let’s get this party started.

Wait, what? Cade and Murdoch are the number one contenders for the tag team championships and they’re still on Heat? Is there like a clause in their contract that says that they have to be on Heat? I mean give the poor guys a break. But I’m still happy that they’ve finally go their push. They really deserved it. On the other hand, why are Eugene and Duggan teaming up again? Last time they were in the same ring Eugene was choking him with some wood. But today he grabs Duggan’s wood and starts riding it like one happy cowboy. Oh my God I can’t believe I just wrote that. The ref tries to take the stick away from Eugene but he just doesn’t want to let go of Hacksaw’s wood. This is sounding more and more like an erotic novel. Then finally Eugene lets go of the wood as the match is set to begin.

USA and HO chants start the match as Eugene and Cade open the match. Cade powers over Eugene but Genester comes back with some booty shaking. Long headlock follows by Cade and then a tag to Murdoch is made. He locks in a headlock of his own and sends Eugene to the match. Murdoch works over Gene’s arm but a reversal gives him the opportunity to tag Duggan. Jimmy nails rights and lefts and clotheslines the redneck over the top rope. After that we head to a “commercial break.”

WWE Uncut. Has the torch from Trish Stratus and Lita been passed onto Mickie James? She doesn’t feel so.

We come back just in time to see Hacksaw get flattened with a stiff elbow. Tag to Cade who lays a hard whooping on Duggan. Stiff shots connect but once one is blocked, Jimbo makes the tag to Eugene. He’s gets in control of the match but then a blind tag is made. Redneck wrecking Crew hit a great double team with a inverted atomic drop and a kick to the face. Eugene rolls out the ring in pain. Murdoch comes out behind him and rams his spine in the steel post. Sends him into the ring and gets a two count. Tag to Cade and Murdoch hits a leg drop on Gene. Cade locks in a neck vise and nails a huge sit-down spinebuster for the two. Frequent tags by Cade and Murdoch who pummel Eugene in their corner. After about 2 whole minutes of getting beatdown Eugene comes back and tags the Ho Man. Dugs unleashes on Murdoch but misses his Three Point Stance in the corner. He turns right into a Murdoch DDT which gets the winning pinfall.

Yay! Finally. After countless defeats on Heat, Cade and Murdoch finally have a tally on the winning side of things. You really deserve your push guys. Congrats!

WWE SideSplitters. Stone Cold Steve Austin fires WWE Corporate employees.

Am I just being paranoid or are the jobbers this week supposed to be a parody of TNA? I mean Everett sounds a lot like Jarrett and Christian could be Christian Cage. Okay maybe I am overanalyzing. They both are twins though. Matching blonde hair, matching outfits, and matching tans. They really look alike. Highlanders obviously in control with some stiff headbutts and a great dropkick by Rory. They make frequent tags and hit a double shoulderbutt on Everett. Same strict strategy goes on by the Highlanders. Hiptoss, axe handle smacks, headbutts etc. Robbie misses a shoulderbutt in the corner and momentum shifts to the twins. They both work on his arm for quite a long time. I was surprised to see jobbers in control for such a long time. Maybe we could see another “Major Upset?” Rory cheers on his cousin, who hits a backbreaker and makes the tag. Baldie comes in a clears house. He tosses one of the twins out the ring and he and Robbie hit the other one with the Scot Drop for the win.

What do you want from me. It was your typical squash match. Highlanders come out, kick some ass, take a few punches, kick some more ass, hit their finisher and pick up the won. Simple recipe for a simple match.

4 Horsemen DVD now available. WHOOOOOO!!!!

Okay so this past week on Raw somebody wanted to make a statement on Raw. He or she took out HBK, Edge and Randy Orton all within 20 minutes of each other. Now people were fingered (haha) but ultimately it was The Great Khali that claimed responsibility for the carnage. That’s all fine and dandy but what if instead of Khali, it was revealed that TRIPLE H was the one killing people right and left?! That would have been PERFECT! C’mon you can’t tell me that if the Game stepped out to the ring and bashed in Cena’s face with his sledgehammer you wouldn’t have been cheering. And the set up was perfect. That is soooo characteristic of The Game. He would take out anyone, even his best buddy HBK, to get a title shot. I’m telling you it would have been perfect. Absolutely perfect.

Let me start off by saying that a Viscera Masters team sounds pretty cool to me. They both personify the word “big” whether it be in muscular context or in weight, both these guys are “big.” They’re gonna give Cryme Tyme a run for their money. JTG gets the audience riled up as he and Masters engage in a lockup. Chris easily tosses the Cryme Tymer aside and goes on to shake his muscular man boobs. They exchange blows again but Shad gets the blind tag and hits a powerslam on Masters. He tags JTG back in and they nail a slingshot splash (I came up with that name) which is basically when JTG goes on the top rope and Shad slingshots him onto a grounded opponent. This gets them a two count. Tag again as both Shad and JTG nail some clotheslines on Masters in the corner. Masters rakes Shad’s eyes and gets the tag to Viscera. He shows no intimidation as he nails Big Vis with a couple of rights. But an attempted clothesline is turned into a “Viscera Drop” aka the Black Hole Slam. Tag to Masters who lays a whooping on Shad. He chokes him in the ropes and then tags in Vis. Mohawk Mabel locks in a neck vise and when Shad tries to break out he gets clotheslined to the ground.

Tag back to Masters who nails a few knees to the back. He hits Shad with a suplex and gets a two count for it. Vis gets tagged in and does his sexy time dance but misses the Big Splash. Tag finally made to JTG and to Masters on the other side. They go at it and TG connects with a flying elbow. JTG goes up top and hits a missle dropkick for the two. Viscera comes into the ring and starts beating up both members of Cryme Tyme. But Shad a Snitsky-ish boot on Vis and a double clothesline sends him out the ring. Masters comes for TG and sets up for a suplex. But JTG reverses into a roll up for the 3 count.

Pretty awesome way to end Heat. It was a new match that we had never seen before and both teams fared well. What was ironic though is that throughout the whole match it was Shad who was getting beat down and he’s the big guy of the team. If anything it should have been JTG that got manhandled by the big men on the opposing side. But what ever works is fine by me.

It was a tag team edition of Heat and it was done well. You’d think that seeing one kind of match over and over again would get repetitive but it didn’t. Each of the three matches was different in its own way and they all were very entertaining.

That just about does it for me. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. Send me an e-mail at Naeem920@gmail.com. Or hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. The username is Naeem920.

See you Thursday night with the Impact Report.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Heat.