Poop.  Say it with us.  Poop.  Can't help but make you smile, right?  Think about it.  All brown and poopie like.  It's just so funny.  Now, combine the greatest star of South Park with the second greatest star of Raw.  John Cena meets Mr. Hanky and the world will never be the same.  Don't be a cheap-o.  Grab one today, ya ham sandwich.  Word Life and Hi-Dee-Ho!

Price: $19.99

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He knows if you've been naughty or nice.  Either way - he'll squash you!  Finally a Christmas Ornament worthy of Triple H's picture.  This mammoth ball weighs 183 pounds and is roughly the size of a loveseat.  It may look like it's going to pull your entire tree down to the ground, but it's not.  It's putting your tree over!  Have your tree put over by the best in the business.  Make it a Hunter Hearst Christmas. 

Price: $11,000

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We found this piece of paper and wrote Eddie Guerrero's name on it.  We're charging $4 for it.  All proceeds go to his family.  Then again, who's gonna just buy a $4 thing online?  Chances are these people will buy a whole bunch of stuff and save on shipping.  Ca-ching!  Whoops.  I don’t think I was supposed to write that last part.  Whatever.  I hate this job anyway.

Price $4

Act now and we'll throw in this granola bar that kinda looks like a low rider:

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Last week, Stephanie McMahon went to Starbucks.  While there, she saw former WWF Ring announcer Mike McGuirk.  You remember - the female ring announcer before Lillian Garcia.  Remember?  No?  Doesn’t matter.  Anyway, she was kinda bitchy to Steph, so we've been asked to put together this special DVD.  We don't have much dirt on Mike.  She's the daughter of promoter Leroy McGuirk and was once married to B. Brian Blair.  Other than that, we don't have much.  Luckily, Bobby Heenan agreed to talk smack about her for 90 minutes.  He loves doing that stuff. 

Price: $39.99

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So, what are you asking Santa for?   The Worm Eating Playset, right?  Me too.  Wonder what Eric Bischoff will ask for.  Lunch with Ted Turner perhaps?  God I hope so.  Now that the Bisch has been removed from his figurehead position as Raw General Manager, who will step up in his place and be named the successor?  Dusty Rhodes?  Shane McMahon?  Stephanie McMahon?  Jim Ross?  Bob Ross?  Billy Blanks?  Babar the Elephant?  Skippy Handleman?  The list is endless.  We can all just sit back, wring our hands, and wait.  Don't wring too long, though.  The wait ends tonight.  It's Monday.  It's 9 o'clock.  It's Mizzle Nizzle Rizzle, bizzle!

What an opening to Raw.  Check this out.  Vince McMahon struts out with one hand in his pocket (JG Note: … and the other one's givin' a Peace sign.)  Old Mister Mac begins to speak into his microphone but it doesn't seem to be  working right.  He tosses it off stage and calls for a new one.  The sound guy throws him a new one, but the toss is short and it bounces off of the ramp with a thud.

Jerry Lawler says that it looks as though the sound guy's going to be fired.  Vinnie Mac points towards the downed microphone and  picks it up.  He walks up to the lowly employee and says:

"You hand me that mic like a man."

Now seriously, at this point the guy knows he's fired, right?  He's done.   It's all a matter of paperwork.  Why not just go nuts and start whaling away on Vince McMahon's face live on Raw?  Just pound him.  You're gonna get fired.  You might get sued.  But I bet TNA would pay you a boatload to headline a pay per view.  It all balances out.  Opportunity knocked and the sound guy didn't take it. He handed VKM the mic.  No punches.

Vinnie says that last week's taking out of the trash was not some sort of bait and switch.  No, no, no.  It wasn't like plugging Ric Flair on the Cutting Edge talk show up until the moment they announced he wouldn't be there…even though they knew he wouldn't be there.  It wasn't anything like that.  They genuinely removed Eric Bischoff from office.  No foolies.  With Easy E out on his heiny, Mr. McMahon assures us we won't see his return.  Now who can replace the Bischmeister?

Stephanie McMahon:  Hunter's wife.  Blonde hair.  Implants.  Looks a bit like Vince, which is disturbing at times.

Shane McMahon:  Former announcer on Heat.  Used to wear jerseys mocking his opponents.  Feuded with X-Pac for 11 years. 

Theo Epstein:  Former GM of the Boston Red Sox.  Not the son on the Cosby Show.  That's Theo Huxtable.

Ted Turner:  Yes, Vince said Ted Turner might want to get back in the "rasslin' business."  Wow.  That wound still hasn't healed.  What an angry person.  McMahon must hear screaming inside his head all day long.  

It could be "one of you:"  Vin points to the crowd.  Then he says:

"Just ribbing.  It's not gonna be one of you."

Oooo.  Vinnie speakie Carnie. 

The interview process begins tonight.  That means we're not getting a new GM tonight.  That's splendid.  In the meanwhile, we have a temporary GM for the night.  Guess who.  Go on.  Guess.  It's Mr. McMahon!  Yah!  Big Mac's first order of business is to make qualifying matches for the Elimination Chamber.  By night's end, we'll have the five opponents to fight WWE Champion John Cena at New Year's Revolution.  Let's go to the first match.  As an extra feature of having Mr. M as boss is that there won't be any beeping during Kurt Angle's intro.  Oh thank God. 

Mr. Angle, you're up next.

Thanks, man.

You feeling OK?  You need anything?  An asprin?  Some Thera-flu?

I'm fine.

Some Pepto?  How about some herbal tea?

Ahhhhhh!  I feel fine!  Leave me alone!

1. Kurt Angle pinned Ric Flair after hitting him with a gold medal.

What a bad way to bring Flair back.  They made such a big deal out of him last week and now he's just brought out in the opening match to job to Kurt Angle.  No explanation.  Nothing.  Very anticlimactic.  It just seemed weird to make such a big deal about having him out last week and not this one.  Ric is also starting to look different physically.  He's getting the Piper look.  All that being said, the match was alright.  We can rip on Ric Flair for hours, but it doesn't change that he can still work a match.  Whether or not he looks credible compared to a mack truck-looking guy half his age is another thing altogether.  The finale to this one saw Angle nail the Nature Boy with one of his gold medals and score the pinfall.  The fans celebrate by telling the winner he sucks.

Now it’s time for your Olympic Hero to speak.  He's tired of listening to you fans!  At this point, Angle is a sweat machine.  He's pouring out sweat like a faucet and he walking around in a daze.  He manages to tell us that next week Raw will be in Afghanistan.  It's a benefit to entertain the troops.  Know who won't be there?  Kurt Angle - that's who!  He said no!  No!  Why would Kurtis risk his life and take a long flight in order to protect the troops of a country that doesn't respect him?  (JG Note: Duh.  You can break anything down using that stupid example.  Does he hate money because it's printed by a country that doesn't respect him?  Does he hate oxygen because it's in the country that doesn't respect him?   Does he hate the Olympians of a country that doesn't respect him?  Does he hate himself?  Uh oh.  I think we just had a breakthrough, Mr. Angle.)  The Thumb guy brags about winning his medal and says that he's far better than the troops.  He says…well, this:

"What have these troops done?   You tell me what they've done over there.  Absolutely nothing!  I'll tell you what, if - and it's a big damn if - if they catch Osama then maybe, maybe I might go over there and sign a few autographs!"
- Kurt Angle, 9:22pm

Wow.  OK.  So he moves from attacking the troops to something that hits closer to home.  He hits the sports stars.  Let's go to our fuzzy little correspondent, Shawn Daivari, backstage.  He's standing by with a statue of Bobby Orr and one of Larry Bird.  Take it away, Shawn.

Thanks, Kurt.  Daivari points to both statues and tells the world that he will be desecrating the displays much the same way that he and Angle are desecrated by the fans.  With that, S.D. hocks a loogie on Larry Bird.  No way!  A loogie on Larry!  Noooo! 

Shawn then picks up a spray can and turns his attention to the lifesize Bobby Orr.  He shakes it a few times and then runs into…John Cena.  (JG Note:  Thank God.  For a minute there I thought they were trying to push a tag team match with Angle and Davari against Bobby Orr and Larry Bird)  John is from Massachusetts and he takes offense to all this.  He slaps Dai across the face and seems to knock the English out of him because he runs off screaming in Farsi.  The WWE Champ mocks Kurt's choice to send a "bootleg Iron Shiek" out here.  After the ha-ha's, we get serious.  It becomes a Very Special Episode of John Cena's Promo.

Johnny's voice lowers into this ultra emotional tone.  Saint Cena calls the Olympic Hero a "heartless bastard" for disrespecting the troops.  JC says he's seen soldiers that won't be coming home for the holidays.  So Kurt's mad because the people think he sucks?  Well…

"Newsflash!  Half the people out there think I suck!"
- John Cena, 9:25pn

Wow.  This promo was actually going good too.  Weird to remind the crowd that he's not very well liked.  The audience doesn't mind though.  They like the USA.  So they chant it.  The Doctor of Thuganomics goes on some weird tangent about there being no American Heros without America.  He finished off by spraying the camera with spray paint and saying "You can't see me."  Hmmm.  This promo went from controversial to weird to sappy to awkward to confusing.  How's that for hitting all the emotional buttons?

Commercial Break.  Pssst.  Wanna buy a book?

Ric Flair is wearing his new T-Shirt when he's approached by Lita and Edge, who's wearing his new T-Shirt.  Notice how all the T-Shirt look the same?  They're all black with big block lettering.  Adam Copeland continues to play the arrogant shootin' heel who over-enunciates everything he says.  He makes a joke about Ric's road rage and draws the Nature Boy's ire.  Adam puts Lita in his way and tells Naitch to think twice about hitting.  Wouldn't want to be involved in assaulting a woman.  Whoooo!  With that, Pillman Lite takes a walk leaving the Speed Racer to ponder his next move.

Close up of leather chaps.  That can only mean one thing.  It's the gimp.  Oh wait, the gimp's sleeping.  It must be Shawn Michaels.  Ol' HBK is zippin' his leggings when he's approached by Shelton Benjamin.   Hey Rocker.  Last week you told Shelly to have an attitude.  So that's what he did.  What did you do, Boy Toy?  You left your partner hanging!  There's some heated words exchanged and Benjamin tells Michaels that he holds him responsible for their tag loss last week.  It's the Same ol' Shawn.  Selfish to the end.  That's cool, Shawny.  Benji is going to the ring.  Once there, he'll beat Carlito and go to the Elimination Chamber.  Shelly only wishes that the Heartbreak Kid qualifies for it too.  If he does…it's awwwwwn!  Los lobos kick your ass.  Los lobos kick your face.  Los lobos kick your balls into outer space!

Coming up tonight:  Shawn Michaels faces the Big Show in an Elimination Chamber Qualifier.  Also, Triple H meets Kane!  Someone dig up Katie and get me some mood music!

Commercial Break.  The Brothers Grimm is coming to DVD.  Don't miss your chance to miss it again!

I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool.

That's great, Carlito.  I just came over here to grab a sandwich from catering.  Mmm.  That's good.  You want a bite?

I spit in the sandwiches from catering.

Ah! Yuck!  What's wrong with you!?

2) Carlito pinned Shelton Benjamin with a small package

This match was OK too.  Nothing great, but nothing bad.  In fact, I really hope they know what they're doing with Benjamin.  He's got so much potential.  You see it every time he wrestles.  Being a plain jane on Raw isn't a good spot.  They need to give him something.  Maybe this whole casting call for a woman to play his "momma" is a good sign.  What?  I'm trying to be optimistic here.  At least it shows some sort of effort being made.  The general direction he's taking now is the inexperienced arrogant young man that loses matches by being too cocky.  In this one, he tried to eat Carlito's apple (JG Note:  Get your mind out of the gutter) but Carl rolled him up for the pin.  Coolio qualifies for the Elimination Chamber.

Backstage, Mr. McMahon runs into Trevor Murdoch.  Trev hears that Big Mac is looking for a new General Manger.  Well, Mac, look no further.  Murdoch is your "hucklebuck."  As Trevor the Cable Guy spits his chaw and pushes for his appointment to GM, he promises the chairman that he has tons of "ideals."  Vin chastises his chewing tabbacky habit and agrees to think things over.  As he walks off, he calls TM an "idiot."  Nice.

Vinnie walks on and comes to a door.  It swings open and Candice Michelle is inside.  She has a wand and a skimpy outfit.  Hey, Mr. "I Said I Love My Wife Less Than Two Months Ago on Raw," how's about giving Candy a new position.  The GM position.  Oh yeah. With that, she removes her robe and has an orgasm.  You want me to describe it to you?  Well I won't, you sicko.  Anyway, after men across the world rewind their Tivos ten times, they see that Kurt Angle interrupts the party and tells the chairman that he needs to speak with him…now!  Sorry, Miss Michelle.  You have to leave.  Poor Vince.  I guess it'll be a Blue Christmas after all.

Commercial Break.  It's Cena-Hunter in East Ruthford this January.  Let the practice begin.

3) Shawn Michaels defeated Big Show via disqualification.

A part of me was looking forward to this match.  The thing I like about HBK is watching him perform against a variety of foes.  When he fights the big guys, he gets to flop around like a fish.  It's cool.  This match didn't meet my expectations though.  There was something flat about it.  One of the lowlights was Michaels getting hit by an overhand chop and selling it like a nine year old dying in a school play.  He drops to his knees and takes five seconds to fall in slow motion.  I pictured him screaming out "My God!  Why hath thou forsaken me?"  Anyway, the Source of All Strength ends up catching a break in this.  In order to prevent the Big Show from going the Elimination Chamber, Triple H runs to ringside and slams Shawn in the head with a chair.  Why?  Well, because Show gets DQed for it.  John Coachman seems hugely impressed by the whole thing.  He screams out that Hunter is truly the Cerebral Assassin for doing something so brilliant.  That's brilliant?  He impresses easily.  It's smart.  I'll give him that.  Helmsley did something smart.  Then again, it's fake. So he didn't really do anything. 

In the leather couch room, Kurt Angle is just beginning his conversation with Vince McMahon.  What they've been doing for the last eight minutes is anyone's guess.  Angle is going buck and demanding all sorts of stuff from the chairman.  This doesn't go over well.  McMahon screams "Back off!  Who the hell do you think you're talking to?  I'm not Eric Bischoff!"  Big Mac books a special main event.  It'll be John Cena against Daivari in the first ever "You Can't See Me" Match.  That means that the WWE Champion will be blindfolded!  Bah.  To close out this segment, VKM tells the Olympian that he can insult the hometown heroes.  He can insult the troops.  But he can't interrupt Vince McMahon!  Good to know that Vince has his priorities right. 

Commercial Break.  X-Box 360.  You ever think you'd pay $900 to see Shaq sweating for Christmas?

4) Chris Masters defeated Viscera with a Masterlock

Yeah.  OK.  Viscera is going to be in the Elimination Chamber.  Right.  Whatever.  Masters wins with the Master lock. Joey Styles says that the Masterpice could become the youngest World Champion at the age of 22.  Yeah?  Well when I was 22, I was drunk…a lot.  Kids today - with their ambitions! 

Commercial Break.  Take your PS2 Online.  You can challenge people and then exit the game just as your about to lose.  Then someone can put you on a list of bad players and post it online.  What fun!  The Internet - Finding New Ways to Alienate People Every Day!

We're in the Women's Locker Room and it appears that Trish Stratus is trying to practice her break-up speech to Mickie James.  She doesn’t get a chance to tell her, though.  When James approaches, she gets the first word.  Mickie tells Trisha that she went to WrestleMania 17 with her Grandpappy and cheered her on.  She and her pappy were huge Stratus fans.  Now, grand pappy is dead.  No tears though.  He's happy that his granddaughter is chilling with Stats.  Even better?  If MJ wins her match with Victoria tonight, she'll go on to challenge Miss Trish at New Year's Revolution.  Sweeeet!  Now, what did you want to say, TS?  Predictably, the Women's Champion doesn't deliver her speech.  She wishes her stalker luck and the two share an awkward high five.

Matt Striker appears on the ramp with a blackboard.  He delivers a pretty mundane segment that reeks of Dean Douglas, Right To Censor, Bob Backlund, and Chris Nowinski only with a bigoted slant.  He preaches Family Values and insults mothers of the world for being whores.  He then goes off on welfare and mothers who "can't keep their damn legs closed."  He calls the missing fathers gay and makes sure to hit every right-wing heelish stereotype line he can.   We don't know any better that to "take the pot" and get all tatooed up.  He's Matt Striker and he's going to be  "teacher."  This segment was pretty lame.  Sorry, Matt.  Any more promos like this and I'll be asking for the bathroom pass.

Back in the Leather Couch room, Vince McMahon is handing John Cena's mask to the referee.  During all this, Chris Nowinski is asking to be General Manager.  Imagine it, Vince.  A Harvard educated GM.  Good to see Chris on TV.  I always thought he had a great presence on camera.  His request doesn't get much play though.  He's interrupted by…the 'Merican Dream Dusty Rhodes!  Apparently, the Mac loves the Dust again because they play rubby-rubby with each other's elbows.  Vinnie says, "Should I say General Manager Dusty Rhodes?"  The two chuckle together and bop around.  Rhodes is back, babeeeeeee!  Wow!  I can't wait until Edge gets to make "Sweet Sapphire's dead" jokes!  Whoo-hoo!

You know this conversation is coming:

Hallo!  Hallo!  Misser MacMahon!

Hi there, Super Porky.  I called you into my office because we needed you to do an angle for us to greet the new GM.

OK!  I do!  I do!

Great.  How do you feel about…uh, masterbating in a trash can?

Still to come:  Katie Vick VIII:  Katie Takes Massachusetts.  Then it's the Blindfold thing.

Commercial Break.  Stay tuned for a preview of King Kong.  No, not the fat guy from that tag team.  They mean King Kong the gorilla.

5) Mickie James pinned Victoria after a DDT

Trish Stratus calls commentary for this one along with Joey Styles, John Coachman, Jerry Lawler, and whoever else happens to be there.  They ask her about the weird Swimfan quality of Miss Mickie, but Trisha stays firm in her admiration of the little weirdo.  Regardless of her true feelings, Strats needs to put all that aside at New Year's Revolution.  Why?  Well, because Alexis nailed Vickie with a DDT and scored a pinfall.  That's right.  Melina's favorite wrestler is heading to NYR for her first title shot!

Commercial Break.  USA asks: Are you Monk-ish?  You mean like do I pray a lot and not talk?  No.  I'm not Monk-ish.

Mr. And Mrs. Levesque, Little Vincello is having a hard time fitting in.  He spits water at the other students.  Then he asks if they want to play a game.  When they say yes, he beats them over the head.

So?

Well, we're also concerned about his big furry sideburns and mustache.


6) Kane pinned Triple H after a Chokeslam

Surprise, surprise.  This is a good sign though.  I mean, we all know that Hunter's got John Cena at WrestleMania.  At least by keeping them apart until after January, WWE has a chance of not screwing things up.  Last thing we need is some last minute World Title switch that ends up booting Cena from the WM picture.  Wouldn't want to see the Doctor of Thuganomics playing the Orton role and getting Batistaed out of a main event match.  I liked how they used the Big Show match from earlier to build up to the finish of this one.  It gave it meaning, something that many matches don't have.    The ref ends up bumped to the mat, allowing Helmsley to retrieve the sledgehammer.  He turns to use it, but is confronted by the Big Show.  At this point, I was sure we'd be getting a swerve with Show turning, but we didn't.  Can't tell if that's good or bad.  Biggie runs in and joins his tag team partner in chokeslamming the Game.  Yay Big Show!  We're firmly behind you…until the upcoming pay-per-view where you play a heel for no reason!  Hooray and boo!

Commercial Break.  I want a remote control truck for Christmas.  I hate being a grown up.  I swear.  I'm returning the socks this year and exchanging them for a remote control truck that I can slam into things.

7) You Can't See Me Match: WWE Champion John Cena defeated Daivari via STF-U (duh) submission

I hate the blindfold gimmick.  Ever since I saw Jake the Snake's hand through his eyeholes right before he locked up with Rick Martel at WrestleMania, I've hated it.  It killed the match.  I had looked forward to Jake's match with Martel.  Then, before it even began, it was ruined.  So it goes.  Making matters worse, John was wearing the exact same gimmicked hood.  The match layout was unique.  The fans cheered for Cena when he was pointing in the direction of Daivari.  It would have been funny as hell if they tried to throw him off.  It was definitely a good spot though and great way to make it seem like people are into Cena.  In all honesty, this night seemed to help JC a great deal in getting over.  Then again, if you can't get over by defending the troops and fighting a terrorist-gimmick guy while wearing a blindfold in your hometown, you can't get over... ever.   After finally getting a hold of Muhammed's ex-friend, John locked in the STF, which Joey Styles called "the STF-U"...twice.    The guy gets a new move and he names it.  It already has a name.  It's an STF. 

After the official word, Johnny C goes buck on Kurt Angle.  He knocks him from the ring and then hits Daivari with an F-U.  My Time is Now hits.  Angle leaves.  Cena waves his hand in his face.  We have still no General Manger.  Fade to a WWE Loves the Troops Promo Video.

WWE Loves the Troops Promo Video. Every week, Raw is a tribute to the McMahon family.  Next week, it's a tribute to our brave men and women.  After that, we will return to our regularly scheduled McMahon honoring.

Now we fade to black.

All in all...  It was alright.  Definitely better than what we've been seeing.  Although still nothing to remember.

The first thing that really struck me tonight is how inconsequential the whole Jim Ross thing turned out to be.  For all this fuss that went into getting him out of the broadcast booth, I feel like nothing has changed.  It's still the same meaningless banter between a horny old King and a brash young buffoon while a straight  man moderates.  Styles hasn’t done anything to stand out and is sadly becoming another voiceless WWE announce drone. 

Shelton Benjamin's gimmick has wings.  They need to really find something to do with him and do it.  If they play their cards right, he can be a breakout star.  Then again, they've screwed up surer things than Shelton.

Ric Flair came back with no fanfare.  No clue what that was about.  After falsely advertising him last week and then switching out with Michael Hayes (a strong segment that was ignored this week), WWE returned Ric to the fold without any excitement.  He was just there.  Whooo.  Zzzzzz.

Matt Striker is looking for cheap heat. That blackboard has been with the company longer than the blindfold hoods. 

Speaking of which, if John Cena can't get cheered after tonight, they might as well turn him into a super heel and let him set fire to some fans.  Cena still has it.  You have to remind the audience that he has an edge.  Right now, he's just a big doofus.  Granted, he likes the things that are good.  He defends the troops.  Wonderful.  That doesn’t make him "cool," it makes him compassionate. 

The show was OK.  Last week was pretty horrendous, so this made up for it a bit.  Hopefully we'll have a new GM before the year is through. 

That's it for me.  Everyone here on the site has been doing a great job and really helping to make WorldWrestlingInsanity.com grow each day.  I urge you to check them out.  None of this would be possible without them.   Also, be sure to come back Friday, I'll have Tom Prichard on the Radio Free Insanity.  So definitely check back for many more announcements and features.  Thanks for reading!  Be well and thanks for sharing my Insanity.

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